I need help :(

[doormouse]

I have an idea for a poem, but every time I try to put the ideas in my head into words, it ends up sounding worse!!

A Lullaby:


your eyes heavy
as you quietly sit
my ramblings
lead to a tentative kiss

unspoken words,
of a pain within,
the path upon I was led
full of promise and hope

that cold July day
I learned of your fate
selfish portrayal, I deemed
as I left you alone

anger terminates
any glimmer of chance
cancer ridden you writhe
still holding your pride

too hurt to profess
leaving you alone,
when you needed me most
my own little world I brood


whispered surrenders
as you gently sleep
love ceded too late
as your angel awaits



^^ It needs HELP!!

Please, any suggestions are more than welcome.
I want this one to be special.

 

[minsue]

I have an idea for a poem, but every time I try to put the ideas in my head into words, it ends up sounding worse!!

I have no help to offer, I'm just here to commiserate. I have that problem all the damned time.

 

[doormouse]

LOL

Thanks anyway minsue. I'm tempted to scrap it and start over.
It just doesn't have the emotion I was trying to capture.

Cheers

 

[tarablackwood22]

Kim.....I sent you a PM....check your mailbox.

 

[Angeline]

Ok, here's my two cents. What your poem wants is very specific detail instead of summary of the event it describes. What did the room look like, why was it cold in July, what was the difference between the two people, how exactly did they feel--in their bodies as well as their thoughts? These are the kinds of details that for me bring a poem to life--if it were me, I'd try that and see where you go with it.




Ange

 

[doormouse]

Thanks Angeline and Tara.

I'll work on it keeping those ideas in mind.
Thanks for taking the time to reply

 

[Angeline]

Thanks Angeline and Tara.

I'll work on it keeping those ideas in mind.
Thanks for taking the time to reply

My pleasure. Let me know if you want me to look at it when it's revised.

 

[champagne1982]

Everything Angeline said plus:

A Lullaby:

your eyes heavy
as you quietly sit
my ramblings
lead to a tentative kiss
Here you're speaking in the 2nd person to a living person of your ramblings and tentative kissing, were you on a journey or maybe, your conversation was just rambling? It's also difficult to determine if you're in the past or present tense.

unspoken words,
of a pain within,
Whose pain?
the path upon I was led
full of promise and hope
This phrase is twisted and is in the passive voice, which is okay sometimes, but the syntax here is all wrong. Try rearranging it into something we feel comfortable speaking I was led upon a path of promise and hope

that cold July day
I learned of your fate
I think you could foreshadow a bit here, use a word like fortune rather than fate.
selfish portrayal, I deemed
It's all about word choice here. Would you have said deemed rather than decided in conversation with this person?
as I left you alone
You have an opportunity to create a metaphor in this strophe. An actor in a drama, in a self-portrayal or an artist painting a selfish portrait (I prefer the wordplay in the latter). Either will create imagery explaining your dismissive attitude when this person tells you about their cancer.

anger terminates
any glimmer of chance
Whose anger, the person's or your own, perhaps both? This thought deserves its own 4 lines.
cancer ridden you writhe
still holding your pride
You tell us of a drama queen and then you drop another characteristic of this person on us. Pride doesn't fit in that image. Maybe you could describe this individual in the first third of the poem. Tell us who they are and what they're like. I need an understanding of your relationship with them before I can even begin to understand what you feel as you stand by their bed.

too hurt to profess
Profess makes me wait for a great pronouncement of emotion, so this is a fragment that doesn't go anywhere, you should either develop it or discard it but don't leave it hanging.
leaving you alone,
when you needed me most
Are you harkening back to the cold July day? I don't feel that here. You've switched tenses and now it seems you're back to the present and again in second person.
my own little world I brood
How did you get there from here?

whispered surrenders
The whisper doesn't surrender. Try whispered surrender.
as you gently sleep
love ceded too late
as your angel awaits
This is the best verse of the poem. There's imagery, the rhythm is flowing and it is complete.

I look forward to seeing if you keep on with this version or if you decide to scrap it and start fresh. Personally, there's a good idea, but you need to tell us a bit more so that we can get more out of your poem.

 

[doormouse]

OMG thanks Champagne!!

I'm going to print that so I have it for future reference.

Here's the beginning of my newer version.

A Lullaby

quietly seated, your
eyes heavy
my ramblings
lead to a tentative kiss

unspoken words,
a love unconquered
by fate's deathly blow

that cold July day
Winter's wonderland
left colder, than
blankets of white


It's still a work in progress.

 

[champagne1982]

OMG thanks Champagne!!
<snip>
It's still a work in progress.

You're welcome. As to works in progress, even published poems are still okay to tinker with. Aren't they? Isn't everything and everyone a work in progress?

 

[doormouse]

laying quietly, your
eyes heavy, you lean
to kiss me, to cease
my rambling words

your hand grows cold
a struggled breath
a glimpse, Heaven's gate

I never told you, my
love cheated
denied a chance

had we more time
to share, to grow
my heart would have
thawed the pain of
days gone

left colder than
the white blanket
of Winter's wonderland

I whisper surrender
as you gently sleep
love ceded too late
your angel awaits

 

[doormouse]

It's submitted.

Thank you again to champagne, Angeline and tara for their help.

I know it's not perfect, but from this beginner's eyes, it's bloody better than it was!!!! ;-)

 

[Angeline]

It's submitted.

Thank you again to champagne, Angeline and tara for their help.

I know it's not perfect, but from this beginner's eyes, it's bloody better than it was!!!! ;-)

Bloody better indeed! Look where you went from the first to the second version. I find I have to push myself all the time. I read and reread what I write and I think--is that the best way to describe it? How do the words sound next to each other? Does my mouth feel right, good when I read it out loud? (I know that last one sounds crazy but it works for me lol). I think writers who think about the writing process this way can't help but improve.

 

[doormouse]

LOL

Thanks Angeline,

it's my first 'real' grasp at poetry, so I'll let it rest.

I've printed all advice given on this one.
To look deeper into my words in future.

It's far from perfect. but I'm semi happy with the result. I don't know any better at this stage.