I need help please...to all those parents out there.

[Guest]

She's going to be 17 in a week, and has been with the same boyfriend for one year and eight months. Last weekend, he was involved in a rollover accident that he is really lucky he walked away from. Yesterday, they broke up because he was treating her as if she wasn't important. He has been saying that he almost died...blah blah blah.

She's crying, almost non-stop, begging me to tell her they'll get back together and can not even handle being in school where she'll see him. She won't eat, won't sleep and constantly stands over me crying her eyes out. If she isn't near me then I can hear her sobbing elsewhere in the house.

I've supported, I've babied and I've listened. But I'm getting frustrated because the kid isn't worth a minute of her tears and hasn't been for a year or so.

HELP!!! What do I do? I mean, I've had break ups but I'd never have gone to my parents when they happened. I usually spent some time in my room, never cried in public and got on with my life.

Please, anything anyone can do to help will be a blessing.

Thanks.

 

[Stella_Omega]

She's going to be 17 in a week, and has been with the same boyfriend for one year and eight months. Last weekend, he was involved in a rollover accident that he is really lucky he walked away from. Yesterday, they broke up because he was treating her as if she wasn't important. He has been saying that he almost died...blah blah blah.

She's crying, almost non-stop, begging me to tell her they'll get back together and can not even handle being in school where she'll see him. She won't eat, won't sleep and constantly stands over me crying her eyes out. If she isn't near me then I can hear her sobbing elsewhere in the house.

I've supported, I've babied and I've listened. But I'm getting frustrated because the kid isn't worth a minute of her tears and hasn't been for a year or so.

HELP!!! What do I do? I mean, I've had break ups but I'd never have gone to my parents when they happened. I usually spent some time in my room, never cried in public and got on with my life.

Please, anything anyone can do to help will be a blessing.

Thanks.

YIKES!

My pop psych reaction; this is not about the boy, it's about her. If he really did sy she doesn't matter-- then she's trying to make sure she does matter, and if it's not to him than it's going to be you, by God! (lucky you)

What I can think of right now is sitting her down and talking with her using the "Mirroring" technique (That doesn't seem to be the right name, I can't find any good examples on the web) where you repeat her words back to her;

"He doesn't care about me!"

"You feel like no one cares about you."

(Anyone know the right name for this?I could use some tutorials on it myself!)

Anyway, I think it might be that she needs validatoin of her own worth. And the boy really needs someone to talk to as well, huh?

 

[Chantilyvamp]

How about a girls day out of pampering, maybe have the hair and nails done and go shopping for something even if you buy nothing...nice lunch out?

Somtimes a change of surroundings might do good. Course mine is just a 2 year old so I havent hit that yet with anyone other than friends. And i seriously cant suggest you take her out to get drunk and go dancing like we did the friends.

 

[MercyMia]

Well, it's only been a day since he broke up with her...how about if the two of you go to a big park or walking trail where you'll have a bit of privacy and take a LONG walk. Tell her you're just going for a short stroll to get some air, but keep her talking and keep her walking. I've found that action is a great antidote for despair. Walking will get her blood pumping through her veins and help process physical and emotional toxins. It may take her many walks over a span of a month or so, but keep her walking. There's something so healing about putting one foot in front of the other and breathing more deeply.

 

[jomar]

She's grieving, of course. Her whole future has been shattered and she's overwhelmed. Just being there for her and holding her is helpful. And yes, the crying gets very old. Distraction isn't a bad idea so the girl pampering could be fun for you too. And walking helps with improve mood, so that's a good suggestion. When she's not wailing and is ready to hear it you can talk about "what ifs" and how you were devastated once and what you did to help get through it, that he's going through something, etc. It's going to be rough for her for a bit I suspect if he doesn't snap out of it.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

YIKES!

My pop psych reaction; this is not about the boy, it's about her. If he really did sy she doesn't matter-- then she's trying to make sure she does matter, and if it's not to him than it's going to be you, by God! (lucky you)

What I can think of right now is sitting her down and talking with her using the "Mirroring" technique (That doesn't seem to be the right name, I can't find any good examples on the web) where you repeat her words back to her;

"He doesn't care about me!"

"You feel like no one cares about you."

(Anyone know the right name for this?I could use some tutorials on it myself!)

Anyway, I think it might be that she needs validatoin of her own worth. And the boy really needs someone to talk to as well, huh?

reflective listening... therapist's tool...

My suggestion, besides the above, is a burial. Ritually saying goodbye... (don't you wish you could REALLY bury him? *grin* just kidding ) but after she's processed, of course, and is ready... have her choose something that represents him... have her write something, some sort of goodbye... she could even just read it and then you could burn it together. Or tie it to a helium balloon and let it go...

 

[Guest]

I just gave her a fifteen minute pep talk and sent her back to school. This is the hour she has with him in her class. I said to walk in, smile at him and then go sit by one of her friends and not cry, not whine, not stare at him. After class, go to the next one and don't let him see her being upset.

The big thing, she dumped him. She was tired of the way he was treating her and thought that by dumping him, he would see how much he needed her. I told her games never work. One of her friends suggested it...

I wish we could go for a walk but I can't walk down to the end of the driveway without my cane and getting laid up won't do either of us any good.

I'm picking her up after school and she told me, if he comes out before I do, don't you dare hit him with the car. Damn kid ruins all my fun. Besides, he's terrified of me, it could have something to do with sharpening my knives whenever he's around...

eta'd: Thanks all for the help, the reflective listening I've been doing since yesterday when she came home.

 

[scheherazade_79]

How about a girls day out of pampering, maybe have the hair and nails done and go shopping for something even if you buy nothing...nice lunch out?

Somtimes a change of surroundings might do good. Course mine is just a 2 year old so I havent hit that yet with anyone other than friends. And i seriously cant suggest you take her out to get drunk and go dancing like we did the friends.

I agree. Turn it into a celebration of getting shot of him. A night of her favourite food, some alcohol, encourage her to have her girl friends round, and just live it up. Good luck

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

I went through something similar with my son, who broke up with his g/f after they'd been going out for a year. It was his, and her, "First Cut".

First off, saying to her "he's not worth the tears" is, frankly, one of the worst things you could say! The implication is that she's stupid to be so upset. Reading between the lines, I'd say you need to come to terms with strong emotions yourself. I think it's pretty common, and a sign of a healthy emotional life, to feel really wretched after breaking up with someone.

To help her get over it, encourage her to channel the emotions into something creative, like writing, painting or music, whatever she's into.

 

[Guest]

I went through something similar with my son, who broke up with his g/f after they'd been going out for a year. It was his, and her, "First Cut".

First off, saying to her "he's not worth the tears" is, frankly, one of the worst things you could say! The implication is that she's stupid to be so upset. Reading between the lines, I'd say you need to come to terms with strong emotions yourself. I think it's pretty common, and a sign of a healthy emotional life, to feel really wretched after breaking up with someone.

To help her get over it, encourage her to channel the emotions into something creative, like writing, painting or music, whatever she's into.

You are right, but she knows I don't like him because of how he treats her.

So now I just told her if she wants to get him back, she needs to go to school and be strong and get on with her life. I agree that kids need to cry, hell grown ups too, but it was getting too much. She thinks I'm one of the strongest people she knows and told me to keep giving her pep talks and she'll be fine. I'll believe it when I see it...lol.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I just gave her a fifteen minute pep talk and sent her back to school. This is the hour she has with him in her class. I said to walk in, smile at him and then go sit by one of her friends and not cry, not whine, not stare at him. After class, go to the next one and don't let him see her being upset.

The big thing, she dumped him. She was tired of the way he was treating her and thought that by dumping him, he would see how much he needed her. I told her games never work. One of her friends suggested it...

I wish we could go for a walk but I can't walk down to the end of the driveway without my cane and getting laid up won't do either of us any good.

I'm picking her up after school and she told me, if he comes out before I do, don't you dare hit him with the car. Damn kid ruins all my fun. Besides, he's terrified of me, it could have something to do with sharpening my knives whenever he's around...

eta'd: Thanks all for the help, the reflective listening I've been doing since yesterday when she came home.

She dumped him?

How long has he been treating her like that? Since his accident, or before that as well?

If he was good to her previous (sounds like he wasn't though) and she is blaming him for trauma-induced behaviour, I'd lay into her.


Thanks for the "Reflective listening" name, guys, I really needed it!

 

[jomar]

I just gave her a fifteen minute pep talk and sent her back to school. This is the hour she has with him in her class. I said to walk in, smile at him and then go sit by one of her friends and not cry, not whine, not stare at him. After class, go to the next one and don't let him see her being upset.

Good advice - one hour at a time and they'll sting together. And sorry, forgot about the pain. Sounds like she knows she'll be okay when this is over, so put on your cheerleading outfit and keep up those pep talks.

 

[Guest]

She dumped him?

How long has he been treating her like that? Since his accident, or before that as well?

If he was good to her previous (sounds like he wasn't though) and she is blaming him for trauma-induced behaviour, I'd lay into her.


Thanks for the "Reflective listening" name, guys, I really needed it!

Michael goes through hills and valleys. He has a very controlling father who won't let him make decision one on his own. He is loving and wonderful for a couple of weeks and then he starts with the ignoring and the lying and then she calls him on it. Then he's back to wonderful. That's probably the reason that she thought breaking up with him would work to shock him out of it.

I've laid into her about it, about him and his treatment of her, which is the one reason I don't like him. But I can only take it so far. At one time, I told her if I was any kind of guardian, I wouldn't let her date him at all, while she was on the phone with him.

I'm hoping she's over a hurdle and is looking at ways to make her life better, but that's just exasperation talking.

His parents are taking him to see the Explorer he wrecked this weekend. They think that he's still in shock over it because he acts like it doesn't bother him. They want him to see how close he came to death because he really is lucky to have walked out of it.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

There are a lot of red flags with this boy. She will do better without him. Yes, it will be hard to see at first, but his behaviour will not change. Tell her to go have fun with her friends and forget him.

 

[Guest]

There are a lot of red flags with this boy. She will do better without him. Yes, it will be hard to see at first, but his behaviour will not change. Tell her to go have fun with her friends and forget him.

Trust me, I have. Then she sits back and whimpers...but I love him.

Shaking is out of the question, isn't it?

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Trust me, I have. Then she sits back and whimpers...but I love him.

Shaking is out of the question, isn't it?

Yes, yes it is. What she is going through is natural because she is overlooking the bad stuff because he was good at one time or another.

sigh.....kids.

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

As usual with teenagers, it's a question of trusting them, and also of letting them fuck up.

But

"HELP!!! What do I do? I mean, I've had break ups but I'd never have gone to my parents when they happened. I usually spent some time in my room, never cried in public and got on with my life."

is YOUR problem. Her behaviour is highlighting that.

 

[Guest]

As usual with teenagers, it's a question of trusting them, and also of letting them fuck up.

But

is YOUR problem. Her behaviour is highlighting that.

I'm not sure I understand that... I handle things different than Steph. She more outwardly displays emotions than I do, I've always hid things inside. By why is what she is doing highlighting what I do?

 

[EveAnna]

Plus she's just at 'that' age - nearly 17 and finding her feet, emotions running high and she might even have thought she'd found her life partner.

Maybe explain to her that even though she feels her heart has shattered, it hasn't. Its just part of growing up. She needs to think of all the bad aspects of him and then realise that around the corner there is somebody so much better for her.

I thought I'd found my life partner when I was 15 too and after going out with him for 2 years, found that he had been lying to me, he'd been sleeping around, but he was my first. I finished with him and broke my heart. My life wasn't worth living (or so I thought), nothing Mom or Dad could say would bring me out of it. Until they told me they were going to ship me off to Germany to stay with a strict Auntie. Suddenly my life didn't seem so bad LOL

 

[impressive]

It's not just a teen thing.

I've a 45-year-old man under my roof who's lost 10 pounds in the last month from not eating, has bags under his eyes that put Louis Vuitton to shame, and whose chin quivers if I so much as smile at him.

The only thing that heals is time.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

oh EVERYTHING is drama and angst at that age... let it be what it is... you can't change it... all you can do is empathize...

 

[Guest]

oh EVERYTHING is drama and angst at that age... let it be what it is... you can't change it... all you can do is empathize...

Are we talking the 45 year old man or the 17 year old teenager?

I'm just hoping we make it until next week. She has exams, I'm taking my dog in to be put to sleep(he has terrible arthritis and can barely walk) and then she leaves to go on vacation to the UP with our brother.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Are we talking the 45 year old man or the 17 year old teenager?

I'm just hoping we make it until next week. She has exams, I'm taking my dog in to be put to sleep(he has terrible arthritis and can barely walk) and then she leaves to go on vacation to the UP with our brother.

both... teenager or midlife crisis... I don't know which is worse...

 

[3113]

Tea. I dunno. Always calms me down. Go someplace where they serve tea with sandwiches and scones and Devonshire cream.

I don't know if it'll do any lasting good, but it's a nice retreat, a quiet place to talk and reflect and mellow out--or some other, pretty retreat which involves a little ritualism--the pouring of tea, listening to a fountain, looking at flowers. It helps to quiet the nerves so that a person can actually hear and think on what's being said, rather than just reacting to what's happened

 

[Dr_Strabismus]

Danielle, sorry if I sounded critical earlier. My own relationship with my mother, when I was a teenager, was very strained because she was (and still is, as a sad old lady), unable to show emotion. It was completely impossible to talk to her about anything intimate. And it really did me a lot of harm that she was like that. So I guess what I mean is, your daughter's behaviour is exemplary -- literally, you should take a lesson from it, rather than consider "not going to your parents" and "never crying in public" and "getting on with your life" as the right way to deal with unhappiness. So if anythng, you should be pleased at your daughters histrionics (which will obviously die down in a short time anyway).