I miss my daddy

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

What a few days. We went to work out at around 9:30 p.m. Finished at 11:00, and we were riding our bikes home. I got a flat tire. Had to walk our bikes home and got here at 12:00. My little glutes are sore, and my tits are even sore. I'm really getting hard again and want one more chance at a ripped body. Been working out twice per day. Once at 5 then at night. Today NO WORKOUT. I need to recover.

Very long days but I feel so strong and good. Like I could beat up anyone. Mrs. conquer the world.

Okay truth. I had to kill myself because of the conversation with daddy. It turned very emotional from both of us, and he started going on about how they had done me wrong, but my bitch mom wouldn't talk to me. Daddy asked me to forgive her. I told him no, but I could find it in my heart to forgive him; nonetheless, I told him he was a pussy for not standing up to her. I made him cry, and that made me cry and I felt guilty, but I didn't change my mind. It still seems wrong to be pleased because you caused another pain. I can't quite balance it all yet.

I feel better about it all today after reflection, because I got something out of me that needed out for a long time. I finally stood up and feel like a woman--no longer a little girl. Is that strange? To be proud at causing another hurt and violating a rule I live my life by, which is, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." I think in this case, I kept the rule, because part of the rule embodies wanting to hear the truth. I seek truth in all things.

I was able to pray to God. I haven't prayed in months. I miss God. I still don't know if I believe, but it felt good to pray. I hope there is something when we die. I hope for you, Safe_Bet's Amy. I hope for all of us. Life is difficult.

I haven't been able to write, but maybe today I can.

Maybe I'm having a cathartic reaction. maybe I'm not insane after all. My partner doesn't know what to think.

I love you B, Misty (over one year since, "Wall to wall sex, with just enough story to make it a story), Jellybean, Noira, Venus and all my friends here I'm too screwed up to mention now, forgive my lack of contact. This is a very mixed up time in my life. A full time job (my first job), workouts, Daddy, Father's day, my 21st birthday, and God--what a fucking combination.

I suppose I may get struck by lightning for using God and fuck in the same sentence--if there is a God. WTF, if all else, I am still horny irreverent me. Now let me get ready for work, and then see if my muse decided to be my friend again. Losing your muse ain't cool.

May your day and life be peaceful. To the crinkly mix called life.

Raney

 

[Safe_Bet]

I was just bopping through to say "Hi" on the Isle thread and, for some reason, I was drawn to this post. Quite the surprise when I saw my name mentioned! Must be karma I figure.

My parents died when I was young so I never had a father to miss or a mother to forgive. Sometimes I think I was the lucky one, especially when I see your heartache and know all the shit that my Suzy went through with her parents. LOL at least your parents didn't get up in front of the entire congregation of their church and call you a follower of Satan (YAY, me!) and your kids "abominations". Ha! At least she kept her sense of humor. She thought it was funny me being called a Jezebel!

It's good to hear that you're getting "buff", BTW. It is what has gotten me through most of my life. For me it has been studying Karate and Kendo. Scares the shit out of the poor animals though when I start screaming and kill a bale of hay with my sword!

I really don't know where I'm going with this other than to reach out and touch you somehow. If it's any consolation I think you are going through the toughest time in a queer chicks life right now. It's hard as hell but you still manage to care about and for others and to accept their love for you. That's pretty damn impressive. You're do'in good, girl.

Hugs,

Amy

 

[haurni]

Daddy asked me to forgive her. I told him no, but I could find it in my heart to forgive him; nonetheless, I told him he was a pussy for not standing up to her. I made him cry, and that made me cry and I felt guilty, but I didn't change my mind. It still seems wrong to be pleased because you caused another pain.

There's a difference between deliberately causing others hurt on the one hand and standing up for yourself, calling it as you see it, and not taking any shit on the other hand. You should be pleased and proud about the latter.

One thing I've learned is that you can't let other people blackmail you with their feelings. You should be respectful of their feelings, understand what they are going through and strive to cause as little pain as possible, but sometimes you have to do what's right and not cave in. Sometimes the truth hurts. When someone says to you, "I'm unhappy because of what you have said or done", if the unspoken addendum is "and it's up to you to make me feel better" then you're being manipulated. (I'm not saying that's what happened here at all, btw - it's just an extension of how I started this paragraph.) While we ultimately all need to get along with other people, I see no point in spending your life being miserable just to soothe ruffled feathers and avoid making waves.

Don't let people piss on you*. Look out for number one.

You're doing well - keep it up. Best of luck.

~ J.


* unless that's your particular kink, of course....

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

I was just bopping through to say "Hi" on the Isle thread and, for some reason, I was drawn to this post. Quite the surprise when I saw my name mentioned! Must be karma I figure.

My parents died when I was young so I never had a father to miss or a mother to forgive. Sometimes I think I was the lucky one, especially when I see your heartache and know all the shit that my Suzy went through with her parents. LOL at least your parents didn't get up in front of the entire congregation of their church and call you a follower of Satan (YAY, me!) and your kids "abominations". Ha! At least she kept her sense of humor. She thought it was funny me being called a Jezebel!

It's good to hear that you're getting "buff", BTW. It is what has gotten me through most of my life. For me it has been studying Karate and Kendo. Scares the shit out of the poor animals though when I start screaming and kill a bale of hay with my sword!

I really don't know where I'm going with this other than to reach out and touch you somehow. If it's any consolation I think you are going through the toughest time in a queer chicks life right now. It's hard as hell but you still manage to care about and for others and to accept their love for you. That's pretty damn impressive. You're do'in good, girl.

Hugs,

Amy

A friend of mine once talked to me about something abstract called entanglement. It goes something like being in kinship with another despite miles of separation, as if atoms, quarks and such can speak to each other. It is akin to loving someone you never know due to similarity of experience and nature. I don't understand the physics gobbledygook. But I feel connected to you and Safe_Bet. I think it is because I picked a lit name for my partner as Amy (not her real name). Isn't that so weird? Amy? I want to be a lesbian mother, I write poetry and stories. I am a Literature Major.

Life is so strange, and I see the two of you as an example for me. She seemed so strong, not putting up with any shit. I often shrink under pressure, but have been able to find more courage due to my mentor, my partner and friends. Nice to figure out that you are not such a freak and aren't stupid. It took 20 years almost. I know I'm a kid, but it has been a hell of a ride for a kid. Maybe I am growing up. I picked a strange place to grow up. Literotica has been kind of an education for me. Except my spouse, I've met all of my friends here since I first posted as Irania almost a year and 1/2 ago. Many are here just for kink I suppose (including me to a certain extint). But every now and again, you meet someone truly special.

There's a difference between deliberately causing others hurt on the one hand and standing up for yourself, calling it as you see it, and not taking any shit on the other hand. You should be pleased and proud about the latter.

One thing I've learned is that you can't let other people blackmail you with their feelings. You should be respectful of their feelings, understand what they are going through and strive to cause as little pain as possible, but sometimes you have to do what's right and not cave in. Sometimes the truth hurts. When someone says to you, "I'm unhappy because of what you have said or done", if the unspoken addendum is "and it's up to you to make me feel better" then you're being manipulated. (I'm not saying that's what happened here at all, btw - it's just an extension of how I started this paragraph.) While we ultimately all need to get along with other people, I see no point in spending your life being miserable just to soothe ruffled feathers and avoid making waves.

Don't let people piss on you*. Look out for number one.

You're doing well - keep it up. Best of luck.

~ J.


* unless that's your particular kink, of course....

I can always depend on you to lift me up. I know we are new friends, but each time you offer me anything, I appreciate it. So many people in this world try to tread on you, as if we are a disease. I walked down an aisle about two years ago, "to be saved." What did I need to be saved from, being a lesbian? Someone made me this way. I didn't ask for it.

So, I wasn't born a boy. Maybe some wiring was wrong. Or maybe everybody else's wiring is wrong and mine is right. I like girls, I like the sweet womanhood between my legs. I love women, and am a woman. They turn me on, their smells, the way they look, the way their bottoms smile at you. Is it so wrong to just admit what I am? The world by large seems to think so. My parents think I am a miscreant. Would I be this way if I could help it? Why would I put up with the shit?

I seek to understand my parents and do want to forgive them, But it is hard. They are a product of a misguided belief in a God defined by so called normal men. Men who created a God to be the manipulator and controller of all who are different. This isn't the God I want to believe in, because surely, if God exists, it can't be this type of God.

You should be respectful of their feelings, understand what they are going through and strive to cause as little pain as possible, but sometimes you have to do what's right and not cave in. Sometimes the truth hurts.

I hated them for so long, but now I think it is becoming pity, not so much hate anymore. You are right, all the dwelling on their acceptance of me will not change a thing. They aren't likely to change. They are entrenched in a misguided belief system. Despite it all, I love them. Even my bitch of a mother, who was poison to me. It reminds me of a story I read about a bird, who walks around asking everyone, "Are you my Mother?" We seek our parents validation, a validation that doesn't appear forth coming for me. Guess I better get my validation from within.

Thank you Amy and Haurni.

My kink, , is a good spankin now and again. ...and a certain woman again and again.

Now I'm gonna go exercise and see if my muse decides to show up today.

Irania

 

[Wolfman1982]

Esperanza_Hidalgo: is it okay to give you a hug ? even though I know it probably is not enough .

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Esperanza_Hidalgo: is it okay to give you a hug ? even though I know it probably is not enough .

Taken, savored and returned Wolfie. It's the thought that counts.

 

[Nimbikarana]

 

[haurni]

I hated them for so long, but now I think it is becoming pity, not so much hate anymore. You are right, all the dwelling on their acceptance of me will not change a thing. They aren't likely to change. They are entrenched in a misguided belief system. Despite it all, I love them. Even my bitch of a mother, who was poison to me. It reminds me of a story I read about a bird, who walks around asking everyone, "Are you my Mother?" We seek our parents validation, a validation that doesn't appear forth coming for me. Guess I better get my validation from within.

All relationships are transactions. We give and we get. We will accept negatives if the positives outweigh them in the long run. And the concept of 'extinction' in operant conditioning means that we will often try again and again and again to get a reward that we have received only occasionally.

We are social creatures. We need friends, we need lovers. We also need parents. Those who have parents but were abused, mistreated, unloved or rejected by them, will always seek to reconnect, to find the love and validation that they never got, and will go to extraordinary lengths to obtain it. Like the man or woman with an abusive spouse, you keep trying, you keep taking the shit, and you never get what you need. That need doesn't extinguish.

If they will not change, ultimately your validation has to come from elsewhere - your friends, your lover, yourself. Just being all that you can be (without necessarily joining the army... ), and being the best person that you can be, will go a long way toward that. And perhaps wearing your heart on your sleeve on a public board is a way of seeking affirmation - it seems to be working. From what little I know of you, you seem to be coming along well.

And, honestly - what's not to like about women?

 

[angelkitty7888]

What a few days. We went to work out at around 9:30 p.m. Finished at 11:00, and we were riding our bikes home. I got a flat tire. Had to walk our bikes home and got here at 12:00. My little glutes are sore, and my tits are even sore. I'm really getting hard again and want one more chance at a ripped body. Been working out twice per day. Once at 5 then at night. Today NO WORKOUT. I need to recover.

Very long days but I feel so strong and good. Like I could beat up anyone. Mrs. conquer the world.

Okay truth. I had to kill myself because of the conversation with daddy. It turned very emotional from both of us, and he started going on about how they had done me wrong, but my bitch mom wouldn't talk to me. Daddy asked me to forgive her. I told him no, but I could find it in my heart to forgive him; nonetheless, I told him he was a pussy for not standing up to her. I made him cry, and that made me cry and I felt guilty, but I didn't change my mind. It still seems wrong to be pleased because you caused another pain. I can't quite balance it all yet.

I feel better about it all today after reflection, because I got something out of me that needed out for a long time. I finally stood up and feel like a woman--no longer a little girl. Is that strange? To be proud at causing another hurt and violating a rule I live my life by, which is, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." I think in this case, I kept the rule, because part of the rule embodies wanting to hear the truth. I seek truth in all things.

I was able to pray to God. I haven't prayed in months. I miss God. I still don't know if I believe, but it felt good to pray. I hope there is something when we die. I hope for you, Safe_Bet's Amy. I hope for all of us. Life is difficult.

I haven't been able to write, but maybe today I can.

Maybe I'm having a cathartic reaction. maybe I'm not insane after all. My partner doesn't know what to think.

I love you B, Misty (over one year since, "Wall to wall sex, with just enough story to make it a story), Jellybean, Noira, Venus and all my friends here I'm too screwed up to mention now, forgive my lack of contact. This is a very mixed up time in my life. A full time job (my first job), workouts, Daddy, Father's day, my 21st birthday, and God--what a fucking combination.

I suppose I may get struck by lightning for using God and fuck in the same sentence--if there is a God. WTF, if all else, I am still horny irreverent me. Now let me get ready for work, and then see if my muse decided to be my friend again. Losing your muse ain't cool.

May your day and life be peaceful. To the crinkly mix called life.

Raney

i'm a chubby person lol i don't feel the need to be buff or fit... i like being soft and squishy so to speak... it means i'm a good pillow and i revel in it

My dad wasn't a problem for me... he's pretty chill about everything... (even told me he went through his own phase of experimentation and it wasn't for him but if it was my cuppa more power to me) i don't know what my mom would have thought... it's hard to think about her sometimes... i know she didn't have a good life and i know she made wrong choices... and it hurts me that i can still hate her sometimes even though she's gone and i've mostly made my peace with it... out of all my mom's family i'm really the only one that's moved on. My Aunt Jan still cries about her frequently and it's been over 10 years... at the same time to my Aunt she was never as bad as she really was... she was alway her baby sister who she needed to love and protect... and i think that's why they accept me so easily... i'm all that's left of her...

While i can't completely understand the seperation of your parents from you but i do feel your pain from it hun... *hugs/cuddles* people who are hurting need other people... its a known fact and i'm happy to say i'll be here for you too my pain may be a little different but i do understand where you're coming from...

i'm not christian... was raised it for a while but never felt right with it... the whole "God loves you! (**some restrictions apply)" thing was never fine with me... that's why i believe there are many god/dess' around and the christian one just got a bit overzealous... when i pray it isn't to any particular thing... it's just to the universe in general and i feel connected to the greater threads of time and life... its not like you're talking to a higher power for me, its like you're talking to... i don't know... a friend? a gaurdian? an ancestreral spirit? i talk to my mom sometimes... Though i still believe in Angels there is too much lore from different sects for them to be really a christian thing...

Maybe i'll show your post to my sweety... she's had a hard time with her parents too (not to mention a bad relationship a while back) maybe she'll finally want to come on here lol i think you two would get along great...

Above all you are loved hun and don't foget it!!

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

i'm a chubby person lol i don't feel the need to be buff or fit... i like being soft and squishy so to speak... it means i'm a good pillow and i revel in it

My dad wasn't a problem for me... he's pretty chill about everything... (even told me he went through his own phase of experimentation and it wasn't for him but if it was my cuppa more power to me) i don't know what my mom would have thought... it's hard to think about her sometimes... i know she didn't have a good life and i know she made wrong choices... and it hurts me that i can still hate her sometimes even though she's gone and i've mostly made my peace with it... out of all my mom's family i'm really the only one that's moved on. My Aunt Jan still cries about her frequently and it's been over 10 years... at the same time to my Aunt she was never as bad as she really was... she was alway her baby sister who she needed to love and protect... and i think that's why they accept me so easily... i'm all that's left of her...

While i can't completely understand the seperation of your parents from you but i do feel your pain from it hun... *hugs/cuddles* people who are hurting need other people... its a known fact and i'm happy to say i'll be here for you too my pain may be a little different but i do understand where you're coming from...

i'm not christian... was raised it for a while but never felt right with it... the whole "God loves you! (**some restrictions apply)" thing was never fine with me... that's why i believe there are many god/dess' around and the christian one just got a bit overzealous... when i pray it isn't to any particular thing... it's just to the universe in general and i feel connected to the greater threads of time and life... its not like you're talking to a higher power for me, its like you're talking to... i don't know... a friend? a gaurdian? an ancestreral spirit? i talk to my mom sometimes... Though i still believe in Angels there is too much lore from different sects for them to be really a christian thing...

Maybe i'll show your post to my sweety... she's had a hard time with her parents too (not to mention a bad relationship a while back) maybe she'll finally want to come on here lol i think you two would get along great...

Above all you are loved hun and don't foget it!!

Thank you Kitten. U r a sweetie. The entire God thingy has me confused at times. I rejected it for a long time, now I am just confused about it all. I have no confusion about the fallacy of the bible and man's interpretation of God--for it is clearly a lie meant to control the masses. But I would like to believe in something. It is too ingrained in me to deny. I went some months stating I was an atheist, now I just do not know.

 

[angelkitty7888]

Thank you Kitten. U r a sweetie. The entire God thingy has me confused at times. I rejected it for a long time, now I am just confused about it all. I have no confusion about the fallacy of the bible and man's interpretation of God--for it is clearly a lie meant to control the masses. But I would like to believe in something. It is too ingrained in me to deny. I went some months stating I was an atheist, now I just do not know.

yeah... its definately a tough subject for everyone...

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Thanks Rana, I missed this earlier. I must get for a bit, be back later.