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Marijuana Overdoses Kill 37 in Colorado On First Day of Legalization

Colorado is reconsidering its decision to legalize recreational pot following the deaths of dozens due to marijuana overdoses.

According to a report in the Rocky Mountain News, 37 people were killed across the state on Jan. 1, the first day the drug became legal for all adults to purchase. Several more are clinging onto life in local emergency rooms and are not expected to survive.

"It's complete chaos here," says Dr. Jack Shepard, chief of surgery at St. Luke's Medical Center in Denver. "I've put five college students in body bags since breakfast and more are arriving every minute.

"We are seeing cardiac arrests, hypospadias, acquired trimethylaminuria and multiple organ failures. By next week the death toll could go as high as 200, maybe 300. Someone needs to step in and stop this madness. My god, why did we legalize marijuana? What were we thinking?"

Rainin' Fire in the Sky
Colorado and Washington state approved the sale of marijuana for recreational use in November though statewide ballot measures. Under the new policies pot is legal for adult use, regulated like alcohol and heavily taxed.

One of the principal arguments of legalization advocates was that cannabis has long been considered safer than alcohol and tobacco and was not thought not to cause overdose. But a brave minority tried to warn Coloradans of the drug's dangers.

"We told everyone this would happen," says Peter Swindon, president and CEO of local brewer MolsonCoors. "Marijuana is a deadly hardcore drug that causes addiction and destroys lives.

"When was the last time you heard of someone overdosing on beer? All these pro-marijuana groups should be ashamed of themselves. The victims' blood is on their hands."

One of the those victims was 29-year-old Jesse Bruce Pinkman, a former methamphetamine dealer from Albuquerque who had recently moved to Boulder to establish a legal marijuana dispensary.

Pinkman was partying with friends when he suffered several seizures and a massive heart attack which ultimately proved to be fatal. Toxicology reports revealed that marijuana was the only drug present in his system.

"This is just a terrible tragedy," says his friend Peter. "Jesse was trying to go legit and now this happens? I guess drugs really are as dangerous as they say."

Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, who opposed the ballot initiative that legalized the drug, says he will call a special legislative session to try and overturn the new law.

"We can't sit idly by and allow this slaughter to continue," he said during a press conference Thursday.
 
US Bans The Import Of Russian Vodka

As the United States tightens economic sanctions against Russia, the Obama administration announced today an import ban on Russian vodka effective immediately.

In a press conference today, Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters that he decided on the move to punish Moscow for its invasion of Crimea.

“Vodka in stock may be sold and purchased but no new vodka may enter the country,” he declared. “The penalty for importing and selling Russian vodka will be $15,000 fine and up to two years in prison.

“Can you think of another product we buy from them? Just one? We can’t. That’s why the president had no choice but to ban the import of vodka. Maybe in Europe they use more Russian goods but I have no idea what they make. Of course they produce misery and corruption but we can’t help that.

“We don’t use their oil and gas. That’s why we have Canada and they sure as hell aren’t going to take over anything. They send over mediocre ice hockey players but once again, that’s why we have Canada.”

Vice President Joseph Biden, who was upset over the ban of his favorite vodka, spoke scarcasstically on the issue. “We need to apply as much pressure as possible. It has worked with Iran, North Korea, and Cuba so I’m sure it will work with Russia.”

Vodka, it’s what’s for dinner
Vodka consumers in the U.S. are stunned by the revelations that their favorite alcohol will be banned.Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, however, was ecstatic with the news. “Finally, an Obama policy worth implementing. Drink whiskey like a real American. None of that girly vodka crap. I’m glad Obama is finally doing something patriotic.”

Vodka exports accounts for the second largest export for Russia after natural gas. The nation’s political elite does not seem concerned about the economic impact of the ban, however. Putin’s chief of staff Sergei Ivanov told The Moscow Times, the morning “We make the best vodka in the world. It is too good for the Americans; they deserve to drink piss.”

The U.S. says it may lift the ban if Russia pulls back their troops and recognizes Ukraine’s sovereignty over Crimea.

“We’ll also be open to re-establishing trade of vodka if they agree to give us back Edward Snowden, we just want to talk to him,” an inebriated Kerry told reporters later that night outside of his local D.C. bar. “Just talk to that little prick, that’s all.”
 
Putin Tops 2016 Republican Poll

Russia’s President Vladimir Putin is an early favorite among Republican voters to become the party’s presidential nominee in 2016, a new poll has found.

Since the crisis in Ukraine began, Putin has earned unexpected support from right-wing pundits who see him as a more respected leader than President Barack Obama.

A phone survey of 5,000 registered voters conducted this week showed Putin’s newfound popularity has trickled down to conservative Republican voters, 66 percent of whom favored him over other potential candidates.

“Putin is everything Obama is not: decisive, tough, ballsy and quick thinking,” said Birch Barlow, a Twitter political activist. “Obama hasn’t even invaded any country; he just sends drones to do all the work.”

“Obama didn’t even kill Osama bin Laden; like a p***y, he sent the Marines to do it,” added voter Carlton Banks, whose military expertise comes from reading The Weekly Standard. “I bet Putin would have gone in alone and killed bin Laden with his bare hands. I like a candidate who is willing to kill for his country.”

“I really like that Putin isn’t intimidated by the liberal media,” said Enid Gumby, a brain specialist. “When the liberal media says bad things about Putin, he just gets rid of them. It’s something that’s long overdue in this country.”

Beats the Alternatives
Putin’s sudden popularity isn’t being ignored by other former and potential presidential candidates.

“Putin could be just what the party needs,” former House Speaker Newt Gingrich told ABC. “He’s a devout Christian and patriot. He doesn’t let Europeans tell him what to do. Russia does have a lot of oil, so I bet Putin could negotiate a good deal for us and bring gas prices down.”

“My husband, Marcus, just loves Putin,” Rep. Michele Bachmann told Fox News. “He admires masculine men, so he’s always talking about Putin: his shirtless horseback riding, his shirtless hunting, his shirtless fishing. He’s always telling me how he would love to meet Putin, shake hands with him and ‘touch greatness,’ as he describes it.

“Marcus even has a framed picture of Putin in the bathroom. Sometimes he just locks himself in the bathroom for hours, just to stare at Putin’s picture.”

Even though Putin is not a native-born U.S. citizen and has not expressed a desire to become president of the U.S., that didn’t stop some on the right from viewing him as a viable candidate.

“I still haven’t seen Obama’s birth certificate proving he wasn’t born in Kenya,” wrote Joseph Farah in the right-wing WorldNetDaily, which has promoted the birther theory. “But I have seen Putin’s birth certificate and it clearly states that he was born in Springfield, USA, to American parents Homer and Margaret Putin.

“That is undeniable proof that he’s as American as you and I. And he’s a white guy, too.”
 
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