I love all the stories here but need help...

[Solaris the Elf]

Writing my first erotic story.

I'm writing my first one dealing with the Halloween contest. I'm not sure how to keep the plot from fizzing out on me. I got about a paragraph or two of it done and I have all ready got the feeling that the plot is going down the drain.

Is it all right for me to post what I have done here for all to see and help me out?

Thanks.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Sure! Go ahead!

 

[Star of Penumbra]

Sure! Go ahead!

Ditto.

Despite my appearance of an apathetic, cynical person who has long ago lost faith in humanity, I like to help people.

Let's see what you have.

 

[Solaris the Elf]

This is what I got so far.

I don't think it is much but I think the plot is fizzing.


I was not planning to do anything for Halloween, even getting candy for the kids, which included getting dressed up and head for parties like I did the previous Halloween. I did think twice about not accepting Kevin’s invite to his Halloween party but a call from him that morning was enough to send me rushing off to the costume stores to find myself a good looking Halloween costume by 3 in the afternoon, which I knew by now was going to be a darn long shot to find – the stores had already run out of the normal costumes and all was left was the ones that no one wanted to wear.

I walked into the last costume store in town and it was about 5pm; I prayed that they would have a costume that would look good on my small frame and height. I took a glance at the costumes and frown as they were totally not my style nor did I think they would be good for me with this Halloween party.

The lady came over and asked, “Hi, can I help you find something?”

“Yes, I didn’t plan this too well. I got a late invite to a Halloween party tonight and I’m not interested in going as the normal costume wearer. I want different but I want to also look sexy too.”

The lady took a long time looking at my body and started to look at the costumes that were hanging up on the racks. “I think there is one that is in the back. Just hold on and I’ll get it.”

I stood there waiting and wondering what kinds of costume was she going to bring out for me. I hoped it was not going to be a clown’s costume. I hated clowns. It was couple of costumes Zorro and Mortisha Adams of the Adams family.

I looked at the outfits shocked. I knew I would be the talk of the town if I came as Zorro but as Mortisha Adams, Angelica Huston had nothing on me if I went as Mortisha! I would probably have all the single and the married guys will be my dance partners on the dance floor.



So what do you think? Is it good still or should I rewrite the whole thing?

Thanks!

 

[Solaris the Elf]

Worked on it some more.

I'm not sure if this will be the way it will be in the final draft or not. I may just yank this part and write it differently. But who knows.


I looked at the outfits shocked. I knew I would be the talk of the town if I came as Zorro but as Mortisha Adams, Angelica Huston had nothing on me if I went as Mortisha! I would probably have all the single and the married guys will be my dance partners on the dance floor. I decided to let the lady decide which one I should wear. I entered the dressing room with both costumes and put them on. I stepped out wearing one of them.

“My dear, no one will think you are not very beautiful in that outfit. You look stunning.” The lady said as she looked at me. “With some make-up done, you will be unrecognizable even if you are wearing that.”

I went back into the room to get out of it and dressed in the other costume. The look I got said it all it was perfect for the party.

 

[Saracen]

Hmmmm, writer's block diagnosis 1 ... where's the conflict? Ok, technical term. What does this chara want and what's stopping her from getting it?

She wants to impress this Kevin guy? Run with that. Why did she think about refusing? Does she hope he'll bed her?

Why does she want to look sexy? To make this Kevin jealous?

Get the reader asking what happens next, and you, and the story'll write itself, I promise.

 

[Solaris the Elf]

What does this chara want and what's stopping her from getting it?

She wants to impress this Kevin guy? Run with that. Why did she think about refusing? Does she hope he'll bed her?

Why does she want to look sexy? To make this Kevin jealous?

I really do not know what she wants. I believe she wants Kevin and yet is shy about telling him that she wants him. But he only considers her to be pretty not the babe she's going to turn out to be. As I said before I don't know what she wants. I can only hope as the story matures that I will find out what she wants before someone actaully forces it down her throat.

 

[The_old_man]

I can only hope as the story matures that I will find out what she wants before someone actaully forces it down her throat.


Think about that, and let the charactors write thier own story.

 

[Whispersecret]

Some details:

I was not planning to do anything for Halloween, even getting candy for the kids, which included getting dressed up and head for parties like I did the previous Halloween.

This first sentence is awkwardly constructed. I know what you mean, but you need to clean up the structure. The way it stands it sounds like the act of getting candy for the kids necessitated getting dressed up and heading for parties.

Maybe: I wasn't planning to do anything for Halloween. No candy for the kids. No dressing up. No parties.

Or: Last year, I'd done it all--candy for the trick-or-treaters, a kick-ass costume, and party, party, party. This year I was planning to take it easy.

Watch how often you use the word "costume."

I knew I would be the talk of the town if I came as Zorro but as Mortisha Adams, Angelica Huston had nothing on me if I went as Mortisha!

Ah, what does this mean? I'm confused. Also, I think it's Morticia, but I'm not sure. I'm sure there's an Addam's family website you can check spelling on.

I also want to know what this girl wants.

Finally, you might want to reconsider if she's going to go to the party and be so different that Kevin doesn't recognize her and hits on a "stranger," that's really her. I saw that a lot in the stories last year.

I'd suggest a real twist. Don't have her go as some sexy vamp, like Morticia. What if she goes as Zorro?! Or a gnome? Something surprising. What if she finds a strange costume that seems harmless, but really sort of channels some spirit that takes over her body just for this one night? Through her the spirit can live again, and it takes advantage of the fact. Screw Kevin. The spirit chucks him aside. Sets her eyes instead on...whom??

Okay. Sorry about that. My imagination runs away once again. Just don't do the safe thing and have a timid girl find confidence in a vampy costume. Go for something out of the ordinary!

 

[Solaris the Elf]

Thanks Whispersecret,

I'll take your suggestion, I already decided to make her show up at the party as a female Zorro. 'Igor' was suprised and she doesn't know which costume wearer is Kevin for she arrived at the party an hour late. She's not really known for how sexy she looks, she's always seen around town in a baggy pants and shirt and known to be too shy to even dress hot or sexy.

But I am wondering if you would like to read the story itself, just PM and I'll message it over to you.

 

[Whispersecret]

I'm going to have to pass, Solaris. I have my 500 word critique thread that I'm behind on, and my own stories. I spend too much time avoiding my own writing anyway. I have this love/hate thing with writing. I am mad when I don't have the time to write, but when I get the time -- like today -- I squander it by goofing around here.

Best of luck on the story.

 

[Solaris the Elf]

No problem, Whispersecret.

Good luck with your stories.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I like the part about her dressing up as Zorro rather than Morticia - Morticia's sexy, but she's also rather passive in nature. Dressed as Zoroo, this girl will be able to let loose and kick ass!

However, I'm not too hot on the idea of the dress transforming her into something she really isn't. From what I understand, that's been done and overdone. I'd suggest that you use you imagination, which seems fine to me, and create some little plot where the girl dress up like Zorro, and then reacts on the way people reacts to her, if you know what I mean?

Like, on the way to the party, she witness someone being robbed, and she sneaks up and throws a cokebottle in the robber's head, rescuing his victim, and as she continues to the party, something else happends, yada, yada, yada, she's a heroine.

And later on gets a heroines' reward - she gets the guy.

 

[Solaris the Elf]

You mean like this scene, Svenskaflicka?


It was nearly 9pm when I had got into my truck. I had to stop a robber from trying to rob one of my neighbors. He saw me standing there and before he knew it I was on him within seconds knocking him out cold with the hilt of my fake sword. My neighbor had some rope that she had tied some cornstalks up with and tied him up. I pulled out my lipstick which was too low for me to use on my lips anyway and marked him with a Z on his shirt. I smiled to my neighbor and walked towards the garage where my truck was parked and headed for Kevin’s home.

I climbed down from my truck and looked at all the Halloween decorations that lined Kevin’s mansion and property. I could hear music playing inside and it was dancing music with a hint of Halloween in it. I rang the door bell which sounded like a Banshee had her hair pulled tight.

 

[Saracen]

A trick that will improve your writing, and anyone's writing, tremendously, is to avoid passive voice and use active verbs in place of descriptions. This can be difficult for a lot of novice writes, I still goof on a regular basis and get overenthusiastic with my adjectives and worse, adverbs.

An example, so you know what I'm talking about ...

Why hadn't the clock stopped? It was already nine! This just wouldn't do. Of course I had a great excuse.

This idiot kid tried to rob my neighbor. Well, ok, not so much of a kid, but he was an idiot. All I had to do was bop him over the head with the hilt of my fake sword and he dropped like a rock.

My neighbor shouted, "All hail Zorro to the rescue!"

With this kind of encouragment, I scrawled a big 'Z' on the kid's chest with my lipstick. It wasn't going to do me any other good tonight.

By the time I got to the party, the music was already loud enough to wake the dead, which might well have been the point. The hanged man looked so much like some over rich Mexican patron I had to hide my giggles. Zorro never giggled.

I rang the doorbell. I couldn't decide if the resulting shriek was a banshee getting her hair yanked or if someone had stepped on a cat at the same time I pushed the button.

....

Can you see the difference? Its mostly the same stuff, but translated into action. In the first case, stuff is being done to the chara, in this one, the chara (and others) are doing things.

Yes, it can be dreadfully embarassing standing out there without all those nice weasel verbs, protective adverbs, and dithering modifiers. Very, most, any, some, look, feel, almost, mostly, just, that, and so on are great comfort words. However, they gut a story. Be bold, be brave, write active verbs! Let them shine on their own! Its only bits in a machine, after all.

 

[Solaris the Elf]

Thanks Saracen.

That helps the scene even better.

 

[Solaris the Elf]

I'm having a bit of a problem with this scene. I think it will work like I have written it but I am not so sure now.

I wrote it last night.


The door creaked open as I saw Igor the hunchback who worked for Dr. Frankstein in the movies standing there at the door. “Come in, I shall announce your arrival, Zorro.”

“Please don’t, I like to just slip in unannounced, Igor.” I whispered, as I looked at him. I walked fully into the mansion and headed down the stairs trying to find Kevin but I had arrived too late to figure out who he was in this time around; last year he was Count Dracula.

I mingled my way through everyone to head for the punch bowl and the tray of food. I went right for the chocolate iced with yellow cake which was decorated in a Grave yard scene – I always loved chocolate iced, yellow cake.

I didn’t have time to grab too much of the delicious cake or the punch before I wandered to the side of the room to watch and wondered which one of the male dancers was Kevin.

You thought Harry Potter books were just for kids or that the costumes would only be worn by kiddies. HA! I see Professor Dumbledore dancing with Madame Hooch and I see Professor Snape frowning as he’s dancing with a very good looking double of Hermione Granger, when she is about age eighteen years of age, I wonder if that body is what she’s really going to look like when she’s older. I do hope the books have birth control pills and condoms for the boys are going to be hot and heavy for her in the later books. I knew by now that he would have been told of the latecomer and would come by to introduce himself. But I didn’t mind if he didn’t, I was usually the only one not dancing with the rest of the partiers till later on in the evening. I finished the blood red drink that I had in my hand and I was getting somewhat thirsty as I wandered over to the punch bowl to get another.

I noticed this one guy dressed in an elf outfit with the small pointy ears; smiling towards me. He actually reminded me of Legolas from the movie Lord of The Rings. I smiled in return before turned back to the punch bowl and started to pour myself a drink. I noticed a hand reaching for the scoop when I decided to be helpful. “Here let me do that for you.”

The hand pulled back and pushed the cup he drank from. I poured the punch into the cup and smiled at him. “Thank you, Zorro.”

Thanks!

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Getting better and better!

 

[Solaris the Elf]

Would it be too much to describe the other party goers who are dancing or just leave it at what I got?

I thought about adding a sighting of the Mummy, the werewolf, bride of frankenstien and frankenstien himself and a few of the other dancers.

Thanks!

 

[Solaris the Elf]

Svenskaflicka, Saracen, Whispersecret and Star of Penumbra.

Thank you for the help you gave me. I improved my story. I figure I should show you what I got going for the dance scene where our leading lady is looking towards. I've added onto it in a big way.


I mingled my way through everyone to head for the punch bowl and the tray of food. I went right for the chocolate iced with yellow cake which was decorated in a Grave yard scene – I always loved chocolate iced, yellow cake.

I didn’t have time to grab too much of the delicious cake or the punch before I wandered to the side of the room to watch and wondered which one of the male dancers was Kevin. You thought Harry Potter books were just for kids or that the costumes would only be worn by kiddies. HA! I see Professor Dumbledore dancing with Madame Hooch and I see Professor Snape frowning as he’s dancing with a very good looking double of Hermione Granger, when she is about age eighteen years of age, I wonder if that body is what she’s really going to look like when she’s older. I do hope the books have birth control pills and condoms for the boys are going to be hot and heavy for her in the later books.

I checked out the other dancers to find the Mummy, oh it is not the new move The Mummy but the old one. I see the Bride of Frankenstein, and Dr. Frankenstein dancing together. The dancers had to be a married couple or a couple who were dating. I saw several ghosts and werewolf dancing. Maybe I should have arrived here as a ghost? I wondered to myself as I sipped the punch.

I knew by now that Kevin would have been told of the latecomer and would come by to introduce himself. But I didn’t mind if he didn’t, I was usually the only one not dancing with the rest of the partiers till later on in the evening. I finished the blood red drink that I had in my hand and I was getting somewhat thirsty as I wandered over to the punch bowl to get another.

 

[Whispersecret]

Okay, I swear, I'm only here for a few minutes! I have to get back to my story...BUT QUICKLY:

You can't "mingle" through things.

I'd nix the description of the other partygoers. It doesn't add much. Doesn't advance your plot, unless those characters show up later in the action.

Watch out. You're changing verb tenses, going from past to present. Keep it consistently in past tense.

I'm assuming you just whipped this up quickly, but there are a lot of errors, so proofread carefully before submitting.



Personally, I'd like to see her ditch the party and go on a vigilante spree. The party seems kinda dull to me. (Sorry!) Maybe she happens upon a man dressed as a colonial Spanish Ranchero (Is that what they were called?) and they get it on.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Actually, I'm hoping our female Zorro (Zorra?) will rescue a goodlooking vampire from the Blue Balls...

 

[Solaris the Elf]

Whispersecret,

I have in mind when I wrote the other dancers to have the rooms filled with them doing what comes naturally for lovers or those drunk enough not to care where they sleep at.

But the scene is written to where Legolas and our female Zorro find an empty room where she can sleep off her spiked punch migraine. But you would probably think that the end of this story.

I'm one who is prone to having migraines and I know when one is coming on I get horny even though all I want to do is get into a dark room and sleep.

Our female Zorro might get laid that night or probably not.

 

[Whispersecret]

Well, I've seen the orgy party thing before. If it were my story (and it isn't, so take my advice with a grain of salt), I'd still reach for something beyond the norm.

What if Legolas wasn't really a guy dressed up as Legolas, but a being who has crossed over on this All Hallow's Eve? He's really an elfin creature. Maybe he has healing powers. Maybe he's empathic and can absorb her pain into his own body. Maybe from there, they get it on and he leaves her mysteriously. She has no idea who he was or where he disappeared to.

Okay. Again, I've rambled away. Do with your story what you like.

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I was at a male strip-tease show Friday night, and saw Zorro strip. Hmmmmmm... (=happy sound)

Later on, I ate cream out of Zorro's ass. Nice. Maybe that would be an ingredient to include into your story?