I loo...lo..like you too!

[Valantonia]

My best friend recently heard the dreaded L-word from his girlfriend and did the typical male thing...he pretended to be deaf. He really, really likes her and they have discussed moving in together yet he isn't ready to say the word. It's not like it would change anything in this relationship if it slipped out on his part.

I have an uncle who told his girlfriend of three years that he loved her but was not in love with her, i.e.don't be expecting a ring anytime soon sweetheart.

This floored her, as she never once asked for a bigger commitment(they live together) and she now dwells on the fact that he is not in love with her.

So I ask, what does the love word mean to men? Do you feel the noose tightening around your neck every time you say it? Do you assume that for women it's synonymous with that horrible M-word(marriage)? Or by not saying it, is it a way of keeping your options open?

 

[Xander]

Valantonia. Personally I don't dread the much feared L-word, nor the M-word.
But when that is said. It's not words I use lightly. I'm a firm believer in, that these words should, and must only be used when one truely means it.
Not just something to fling around the room, like a dead cat.
If I say "I love you" That's because I mean it. If I don't then I don't feel that overwhelming giddy love lust.

Of course, this only applies when we're talking about bf & gf.

Otherwise I have no problem with it being used in jokes, or by friends......who btw also can love each other, just in a slightly different way.

Okay, I'm gonna stop now before I begin rambling.

Who's next?

 

[Naked Hunny]

Xander you werent rambling you were making complete sense!

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

Xander I would have to agree with hunny you made perfect sense. You almost took the words right out of my mouth.

Bonnie

 

[Xander]

Awww thanks you two.

 

[Naked Hunny]

*thinking this may be an oppurtunity to make a xander sandwich*

 

[Patryn]

I think it's more of a security thing than anything else. When someone hears the L-word, they, for some reason, think the relationship is more solid than if they don't. I don't know why this is...it's not like as soon as you say 'love' you're issued a chastity belt that only your SO has the key for, but I'm guilty of it too. When my last boyfriend said it to me, I was overjoyed. We still broke up 6 months later anyway.

 

[Valantonia]

Xander I understand and agree with you. Let me explain the situation some more. My best friend asked me what he should do or say, as the girlfriend has repeated how she feels in the last couple of weeks and he hasn't addressed the issue yet. I asked him how he felt about her. He explained that respects her immensely and feels that she is the other part of his soul. He is also willing to be a stepfather to her son, something most men are not comfortable with. With all of that I asked him what was holding him back from saying it because from what I can see he feels love for her. He couldn't answer. I guess what I was looking for was some insight into the male pysche.

Naked Hunny and Bonnie most of my female friends are falling in love, it seems like, every second day. Women have a tendency to say "I love you" much sooner then men, oftentimes without really thinking about it. The complaint I hear in their situation is "he doesn't love me". I tend to side with the guys on that issue because it's too soon and most of these relationships are lust-based anyways.

I've come to expect honesty from this board and I guess what I was looking for was for a love-phobic man to stand up and say, "I never say it and this is why..."


Patryn, I may be new but from reading many of your posts I can always count on you being honest, thanks.

 

[Skitten]

Sometimes I believe that it is harder for a man to say it because women get more emotionally involved than men do. To start with, I know that I have only told one person that I dated that I LOVE HIM. I think a man must be totally in touch with his feelings to admit the L word. Somethimes it is more difficult for them to admit their feelings because men hide their feelings because they don't want to get hurt and it makes them vulnerable.

I believe men will tell a woman when she is the one that he can totally open up and let him into her life. Without hesitating but you have to have the trust in him and not make him say something he is not ready for and be patient when they are ready I believe whole heart that a man in love will tell that woman because he is totally devoted to her heart and soul.

 

[Guest]

"L" word...

Wow, I've been dealing with the "L" word quite a bit myself lately. A couple days ago, my Ohio boy )) left a message on my machine while I was out. At the end of the message he said "L..l...l..later babe". lol The funny thing is he actually WANTED to say the "L" word but didn't want to "scare me off". ~sigh~ At any rate, he's coming down to visit (hopefully before the end of this month), and I may travel back to Ohio with him.

~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/net4/jump.gif

 

[Naked Hunny]

Trust me Tiggs i know what you mean i have a guy from Fl that i have been talking to for 6 months now. We call each other once in a while and at the end of a message one time he said "love you". Talk about shock i never thought about us being more than friends until that point. Now i think about it all the time. And of course now with loser boy out of my life this guy is trying to convince me to move to Fl hmmm?? Warm winters, sandy beaches? MAYBE!!!

 

[Endlessly]

Prepare for a rant!

Love.

That word is the bane of my existance, not because of what it is or what it means, but because of what people THINK it means. I don't use it lightly-- hell, I rarely use it at all. I've only used it once in a relationship, and as far as the words 'love and marriage' being synonymous, well, let me tell you it wasn't my ex-fiance I used the L-word with.

Love is so many things.. It's an emotion, a choice, and a commitment. You FEEL attracted\infatuated\what have you for someone.. Eventually however, the feeling is going to ebb a bit. Emotions come in waves, and you can't always be at high tide. That's when you're faced with a CHOICE. You know you could stay or go.. and that's when you COMMIT yourself to loving someone, through the waves and through the choices. Every day you wake up with a choice, and every day you choose to commit yourself to that person.

Love makes you forget about yourself and focus totally on the other person, makes you a servant without making you a doormat. And eventually, that too fades.. You forget about yourself AND you forget about the other person because it's hard to tell where you end and the other begins. Then, it becomes all about 'us.'

Love is something so true, pure and holy that trying to experience it in all of it's undefiled 'agape' spendor would damn near kill us.

Love isn't wanting to get down someone's pants, and it's not feeding eachother's mutual neurposes. I can't even really explain love because, for all of my previous high-brow ranting, I know I still don't totally understand what it is.

I don't use the word because I respect it too much.

 

[Boo]

Is it gender or culture?

V~~

Your question is an old and interesting one. I recently read an article that discusses the issue at length. It poses the proposition that the inability to utter the 'L' word has more to do with culture (American) than with gender. Basically, the idea is that we are brought up to be concerned with sexuality (search for self including but not exclusively connected with sex) and that there is no place for romantic love (including mushy stuff like falling gaga head in heals in love with someone) because that would obstruct the primary goal of never losing 'self.' Pretty depressing in a way but a lot of truth to what was presented in the article. The piece is lenghty and academic but for those of you interested in reading the very well written expansion of this nutshell, go to:

http://www.city-journal.org/html/5_2_a1.html

Boo

P.S. My experience has been that in my teens and twenties I could fall in love almost after a first date...just feeling giddy about the way you feel weak in the knees when the person you are with looks at you in a certain way. At 34, the conventional wisdom among my mostly jaded and often divorced girlfriends is that this emotion is girlish and naive and that being reserved about your love emotions is a show of strength and independence. Too bad really that such reservations are often (not always) merely that.....a show.

 

[Siren]

The I Love You words..........

 

[CreamyLady]

I never say "I love you" lightly; in fact, I go far out of my way to avoid saying it at all, except to my daughter. If it slips out, I'm literally scared sick.

I am so terrified of commitment, I avoid relationships with available men altogether.

I've thought about this for years, and have come to the conclusion that the words, uttered frequently by my parents, actually meant denial of self, martyrdom, alcoholism, sadism, emotional incest, and other claustrophobic family virtues.

Am I wrong and crazy? Absolutely. But really -- if it seems as if I'm madly in love, and ready to commit to someone -- PLEASE take me for deprogramming.

 

[Laurel]

Valantonia. Personally I don't dread the much feared L-word, nor the M-word.

Ah, Xander, I think that's been firmly established.

I don't know what the big deal is. If you love someone, then say it. If you don't, don't. I think a lot of people don't know WHAT love is and so are afraid to say it. I didn't know what it was till I met Manu. Before then, I bandied the word around like it was "hello".

I guess love is making another person a part of yourself. It isn't sex, it isn't your heart racing. For me, it's being able to hang out in the same room for hours doing our separate things without talking and not feeling uncomfortable. It's laying in bed before sleeping and debating the virtues of The Wonder Years versus All in the Family. It's finishing each other's sentences. It's not getting hung up on who's paying for what, because everything is shared unselfishly. It's chasing the cat around the house and fighting over who she loves more. It's hanging out together unwashed, unshaved, and without makeup and not giving a damn. It's tickle fights where he lets me win.

 

[Xander]

Ah yes Laurel, it certainly has

BUT back before, I had a gf who so desperately wanted me to tell her I LOVE YOU. And I wouldn't. Because I didn't love her. With the chance of getting a major flame for this. She was a great lay, and that was it.
Up until I met Angelique, I had not used the L-word to any gf or partners, since I was 18 yrs old. For the same reasons that I stated in my first post.
Drove them all insane I tell you. But such is life.

I have however used it plenty with my friends. But that's a slightly different kinda love you know.

 

[Nicole]

I have however used it plenty with my friends. But that's a slightly different kinda love you know.

I love ya babe xxxx I tell you everytime we talk and you know what I mean by it ... That's why I can say it to you.

I do however agree, I thought I was in love but alas it was not to be, and I DID make the mistake of saying I love you, although it was said back to me. I now know what true love is .... and am not at all afraid to say the words I love you, or I am IN love with you. To feel that love back is an intensity that I don't ever want to loose. To have someone that you can love and to love you back is what we are all looking for ... it just takes some of us longer that's all.

So baby if your reading this (and you know who you are sexy) I love you with all my heart, all my soul and all my being xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.http://smilecwm.tripod.com/net5/bolletje.gif

Oh and Xander, Angelique and anyone else that knows the true me ... I love you all too.

[Edited by Nicole on 08-11-2000 at 04:25 AM]

 

[Svedish_Chef]

Re: Prepare for a rant!

Love.

That word is the bane of my existance. I don't use it lightly-- hell, I rarely use it at all. I've only used it once in a relationship... well twice depending on a certain other...


Love is so many things.. It's an emotion, a choice, and a commitment. You FEEL attracted\infatuated\what have you for someone.. Eventually however, the feeling is going to ebb a bit. Emotions come in waves, and you can't always be at high tide. That's when you're faced with a CHOICE. You know you could stay or go.. and that's when you COMMIT yourself to loving someone, through the waves and through the choices. Every day you wake up with a choice, and every day you choose to commit yourself to that person.

Love makes you forget about yourself and focus totally on the other person, makes you a servant without making you a doormat. And eventually, that too fades.. You forget about yourself AND you forget about the other person because it's hard to tell where you end and the other begins. Then, it becomes all about 'us.'

Love isn't wanting to get down someone's pants, and it's not feeding each other's mutual neurposes.

I don't use the word because I respect it too much.

Ditto for me... and if I could have send any better I would have.

It took me three months for the first I was in love with to say the words to, and the second it took two weeks but that wasn't face to face.

I also use it as what Laurel called "hello" but only people I feel comfortable with and I think people know the difference between the two when I say them. That is only typing it though, in person the words imply so much.

At the moment I am living with a three year old and he knows that I don't like hugs and kisses... as for the word love it is saved for someone extremely special. None of my family have ever heard the world spoken by me in their presence and probably only ever will hear the word on my wedding day.

Fuck another long one I am going to have to quit while I am behind.

Da chef

 

[Carl East]

I've only ever used those words three times in my life, that alone must say something about me. The trouble is though, I don't think I knew what love really was the first two times. Mainly because I am experiencing things on this occasion that I never experienced back then. For a start I haven't even met my love, we just talk all the time. I've gotten jealous for the first time, and that sucked, but it never happened before. I also tend to get over emotional, when talking about meeting my love for the first time.

These are all new feelings for me, and not what I expected love to feel like. But there is one thing I do know, I am in love, and have no problem telling Siren that I love her.

In fact I love those words, but only if the response is a positive one. I'd hate it if I was constantly saying I love you, and getting um's and ah's in response. Thankfully though, I don't, I get I love you right back, which is wonderful.

Carl.

 

[Bushido71XS]

Xander,

You and Laurel, couldn't have said it better.

 

[Valantonia]

Thank you everyone for the great responses. The thought and energy that went into each post is appreciated.

It was easy for me, falling in love with my husband and I guess my friends are right, I tend to take it for granted sometimes and wonder why everyone else isn't doing it.

In my friend's case I've come to realize, after reading this thread, that moving in with this woman and being a surrogate father to her son is the easy part...and even though the emotions are reciprocal, saying those three little words opens up a whole other dimension to the relationship.

chef sweetie keep the long posts coming...you said it just as well as Endlessly.

Boo, that was a great article. Thank you for posting it. There were many points that I agreed with and some that I didn't. I think I would need ten threads to do it justice...don't panic everyone.

 

[Valantonia]

I guess love is making another person a part of yourself. It isn't sex, it isn't your heart racing. For me, it's being able to hang out in the same room for hours doing our separate things without talking and not feeling uncomfortable. It's laying in bed before sleeping and debating the virtues of The Wonder Years versus All in the Family. It's finishing each other's sentences. It's not getting hung up on who's paying for what, because everything is shared unselfishly. It's chasing the cat around the house and fighting over who she loves more. It's hanging out together unwashed, unshaved, and without makeup and not giving a damn. It's tickle fights where he lets me win.

okay Laurel tell me where the camera is and how long have you been spying on us...

 

[Guest]

hmmm

 

[Lasher]

Tonight's dissertation is on the subject of "Love"...

mmmm... donuts.