I know my lack of understanding is generational

[Bidin~Time]

I can name many people who either have a child and sometimes multiple children to different partners. The grandparents of these "kids" tie themselves into knots trying to "help" their kids parent either with time, housing, or tossing what little extra money they have at the situation. In the meantime, their grown ass children can't hold a job for any substantial length of time; they have no money, rarely have jobs, and usually end up living off and on with their parents. All the while, these deadbeat kids are out partying, and inevitably producing more progeny.

Now, the parents are going to do what parents do, even, if in my opinion, it is nothing more than enabling. But, what part of, X has 3 kids to 3 different partners, has no car, no job, no living space of their own, makes Susie or Johnny look at that person and think, "Oh wow, that's the person I want to spend my time with!"? I'm not even talking about marriage here. What makes a person want to be with an unapologetic, unambitious, person whose life is usually filled with drama of some sort or another, and whose only goal seems to be to manipulate one or both parents (and any other willing sap) into funding their dumbass lifestyle?

I don't 'get it'. Maybe some of you could help me out, because truly, I wouldn't put up with any of that BS for 2 seconds.

 

[Debbie]

I'd be in helping the grandchildren but not enabling the parents if all they are doing is partying and not looking after the kids.

 

[pink]

My parents helped me out a lot when I had my daughter 22 years ago but I stopped with one child.

 

[Bidin~Time]

I'd be in helping the grandchildren but not enabling the parents if all they are doing is partying and not looking after the kids.

That's where they suck their parents in. "oh,I don't want my precious grandchild(ren) to go without because of the poor choices of their parents."

They just won't see that no matter how much overtime they work to provide what the parents won't, it doesn't help do anything but put grandparents in an early grave.

 

[OldJourno]

I was at the park with my grandson a few months back and got into a conversation with another woman I wrongly assumed was there with her granddaughter.
Turns out it was her great granddaughter. She said she was the child's unofficial parent because mom, the granddaughter she also raised, was hooked on meth.
Don't know if I explained that well. Bottom line was great grandma raised her grandchildren and is now raising a great grandchild.

 

[Christobal]

I tried it for about 3 months. A baby was involved so I wanted to help. After being told that jobs are too beneath them several times I said it was time to leave.

 

[Bidin~Time]

My parents helped me out a lot when I had my daughter 22 years ago but I stopped with one child.

I seriously doubt you fall into the type of people I am referring to, pink.

 

[Noor]

I tried it for about 3 months. A baby was involved so I wanted to help. After being told that jobs are too beneath them several times I said it was time to leave.

Did you keep the baby?

 

[LadyVer]

I think you're generalizing this issue. The people I know who have children from different fathers,, whether the women were single or married, work and do what they can to make a better life for themselves..Sometimes, they need help and family members help them. And I think what needs to be considered is when someone asks you for help, and you're able to help, it's hard to justify saying no if it means no food for a few days or weeks for children whose mothers are working and don't qualify for government assistance.

 

[Conager]

I can name many people who either have a child and sometimes multiple children to different partners. The grandparents of these "kids" tie themselves into knots trying to "help" their kids parent either with time, housing, or tossing what little extra money they have at the situation. In the meantime, their grown ass children can't hold a job for any substantial length of time; they have no money, rarely have jobs, and usually end up living off and on with their parents. All the while, these deadbeat kids are out partying, and inevitably producing more progeny.

Now, the parents are going to do what parents do, even, if in my opinion, it is nothing more than enabling. But, what part of, X has 3 kids to 3 different partners, has no car, no job, no living space of their own, makes Susie or Johnny look at that person and think, "Oh wow, that's the person I want to spend my time with!"? I'm not even talking about marriage here. What makes a person want to be with an unapologetic, unambitious, person whose life is usually filled with drama of some sort or another, and whose only goal seems to be to manipulate one or both parents (and any other willing sap) into funding their dumbass lifestyle?

I don't 'get it'. Maybe some of you could help me out, because truly, I wouldn't put up with any of that BS for 2 seconds.

Welcome to Modern Life.

In my formative years just sort of assumed that except for the occasional girl that found herself in a family way who usually had some self-esteem issues there was a natural order to life. 1 met courted got engaged got married completed your education had kids and live happily ever after.

As a society we have removed the stigma of unbridled sexuality as well as the kids that results from that. The kindness in me thinks that that is wonderful the pragmatist in me thinks that that has been horrific for society.

When I found myself single at middle-aged I paused and took some time and reflected about how I was going to live my life from that point. I didn't necessarily desire or think it practical to live the second half of my life in celibacy.

Seems to me the entire point of a committed relationship is as a nurturing environment to raise children I couldn't see the point in monogamy with all of the recreational opportunities that are available out there. I find it's much easier to get laid then to get a traditional let's really get to know each other date.

Now it's probably a result of my self-selected sample size but not only were none of my partners virgins as one would expect given my age I ran into no one who had no children and few if they had more than one child that had the same father for both.

We have created an environment where marriage for men has unlimited downside and absolutely no upside. So not unexpectedly men are not marrying.

 

[Conager]

I tried it for about 3 months. A baby was involved so I wanted to help. After being told that jobs are too beneath them several times I said it was time to leave.

Ah, the allure of rescuing the Damsel in Distress. I still occasionally fall for that. The first time I swung a leg up over ye olde white charger and hoisted my lance in defense of one, I hung in there for one week shy of 20 years.

In my current line of work I find myself frequently reducing or eliminating fees when it's a young mother and child(ren.) I have learned though to make that a one-off act of kindness. I'm careful not to give out my number.

 

[Bidin~Time]

I wasn't clear with my question:

A. Why do people find those who are essentially deadbeats; people in their mid to late twenties and early thirties, who can't seem to get their shit together for longer than 3-4 months at a time, attractive in the first place?

Bringing in the kids of these kids was probably misguided on my part.

 

[Christobal]

Did you keep the baby?

That wasn't an option they loved the baby and weren't giving her up. After being kicked out they decided the jobs that were beneath them might be ok. It worked out.

 

[Noor]

That wasn't an option they loved the baby and weren't giving her up. After being kicked out they decided the jobs that were beneath them might be ok. It worked out.

Oh good!

 

[Bidin~Time]

I think you're generalizing this issue. The people I know who have children from different fathers,, whether the women were single or married, work and do what they can to make a better life for themselves..Sometimes, they need help and family members help them. And I think what needs to be considered is when someone asks you for help, and you're able to help, it's hard to justify saying no if it means no food for a few days or weeks for children whose mothers are working and don't qualify for government assistance.

I work with at least 2 grandparents whose children call on them weekly if not daily for support of some type. The kids have kids, won't work, and still expect mom and or dad to 'help out'; often to the detriment of the one doing the helping out.

A few years ago, I had a coworker tell me that when she met her then spouse, he had 2 kids to an ex, and was expecting with another. I asked her just what made her think he was a stable partner and her answer was a dumbfounded look.

So, no, I don't think i am generalizing one bit as I see it happening daily. I am, however wondering why the young'uns think this is no big deal?

 

[Bidin~Time]

I tried it for about 3 months. A baby was involved so I wanted to help. After being told that jobs are too beneath them several times I said it was time to leave.

You did them a huge favor. They may not have thought so at the time, but you did.

 

[Conager]

I wasn't clear with my question:

A. Why do people find those who are essentially deadbeats; people in their mid to late twenties and early thirties, who can't seem to get their shit together for longer than 3-4 months at a time, attractive in the first place?

Bringing in the kids of these kids was probably misguided on my part.

Because people that can get their shit together are few and far between and are likely in healthy, committed, productive relationships with someone else who also has their shit together.

As to why is anyone gets involved,involved with someone who doesn't have their shit together I don't think anyone ever intends that. It all starts out as recreational and the problem with recreation is bonding. From a biological perspective that's why it feels good. The next thing you know you find yourself emeshed with someone that you know is an absolute disaster.

 

[LadyVer]

I work with at least 2 grandparents whose children call on them weekly if not daily for support of some type. The kids have kids, won't work, and still expect mom and or dad to 'help out'; often to the detriment of the one doing the helping out.

A few years ago, I had a coworker tell me than when she met her then spouse, he had 2 kids to an ex, and was expecting with another. I asked her just what made her think he was a stable partner and her answer was a dumbfounded look.

So, no, I don't think i am generalizing one bit as I see it happening daily. I am, however wondering why the young'uns think this is no big deal?

I don't know the answer. I would assume that some of it has to do with how they were parented, some are slow learners, and some are just plain stupid. And welfare can't be blamed because it's now a temporary fix.

 

[Bidin~Time]

Welcome to Modern Life.

In my formative years just sort of assumed that except for the occasional girl that found herself in a family way who usually had some self-esteem issues there was a natural order to life. 1 met courted got engaged got married completed your education had kids and live happily ever after.

As a society we have removed the stigma of unbridled sexuality as well as the kids that results from that. The kindness in me thinks that that is wonderful the pragmatist in me thinks that that has been horrific for society.

When I found myself single at middle-aged I paused and took some time and reflected about how I was going to live my life from that point. I didn't necessarily desire or think it practical to live the second half of my life in celibacy.

Seems to me the entire point of a committed relationship is as a nurturing environment to raise children I couldn't see the point in monogamy with all of the recreational opportunities that are available out there. I find it's much easier to get laid then to get a traditional let's really get to know each other date.

Now it's probably a result of my self-selected sample size but not only were none of my partners virgins as one would expect given my age I ran into no one who had no children and few if they had more than one child that had the same father for both.

We have created an environment where marriage for men has unlimited downside and absolutely no upside. So not unexpectedly men are not marrying.

Not that I disagree with you on the points made, but you see this from the standpoint of a man not in that generation. I don't know if there are any 20 or 30 somethings on the board for that matter, but do you think they share your standpoints?

 

[Conager]

That wasn't an option they loved the baby and weren't giving her up. After being kicked out they decided the jobs that were beneath them might be ok. It worked out.

Ah. I misunderstood the role you were cast in here. Not enabling is hard. You did well. So glad for the positive outcome.

 

[GimpyIntellect]

Bidin, are you okay? You're not having a breakdown, are you?

I'm available via PM if you need me. Cock pictures and everything.

 

[Christobal]

It always hard to figure out who to help. Some folks just need help to get back on their feet. I have been there myself. Some people won't even try to stand up and complain about the food you are giving them.

 

[Conager]

Not that I disagree with you on the points made, but you see this from the standpoint of a man not in that generation. I don't know if there are any 20 or 30 somethings on the board for that matter, but do you think they share your standpoints?

I am not in my 20s or 30s but I socialize with them on TV. My experiences are with them. Even the slightly more age-appropriate one who was 17 days my junior was the only girl of a woman who had her out of wedlock 50 years ago and had one daughter of her own out of wedlock who is an adult now with one child again out of wedlock and is having relationship with the next door neighbor's married husband who is in a somewhat open marriage and whose wife is busy with some other guy across town.

I've yet to see anyone that's not in a soap opera.

 

[Bidin~Time]

Bidin, are you okay? You're not having a breakdown, are you?

I'm available via PM if you need me. Cock pictures and everything.

Oh I'm fine, I just get aggravated .....wait there could be cock pics? No, I'm not well at all...not at all....

 

[Bidin~Time]

It always hard to figure out who to help. Some folks just need help to get back on their feet. I have been there myself. Some people won't even try to stand up and complain about the food you are giving them.

A leg up is never a bad thing. And to a limited degree, I think as parents, and as finances allow, we should be willing to give a leg up. But, I personally would draw the line at repeated leg ups.

In the distant past, I have done that for relatives. But when they started seeing me as their personal ATM, I stopped the cashflow and asked for bills I could pay for them. Miraculously, they stopped 'needing' my funds. To this day, I never hand out cash, but I will offer to pay a bill for them if they will bring it to me. Rarely have I ever seen the bill in question.