CandiCame
Rocket Grunt
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2011
- Posts
- 26,765
But I don't sleep if I don't have to work the next day and I am so pissed off right now that I thought you guys would think it was funny. So I had the maritals and my gf went to sleep. I don't sleep but I really, REALLY wanted a cigarette. I quit when she quit, so I went and made some fucking like... berry bread, but it was gnawing at me and gnawing at me- and I have a pack- hidden. And when I do something that I'm not supposed to do or lie I way overprepare.
Now, I am stupid. And when you're stupid, you know that about yourself, and you plan ahead for it. Not there's no way in hell I'm going to smoke in or near the house, because if she gets up, she'll know. And there's no way that I'm going to take the pack with me, because, being a dumbass, I'll forget about it and leave it in my pants or something. Actually, I wasn't even wearing pants, I was had pulled on a pair of shorts- and this becomes important later.
So I hatch a plan. I'm going to take the dog on a walk at like... 3 or 4 am or whatever it was. I'm gonna walk down to the road- which is a pretty good ways, and I'm gonna throw the cigarette butt on the road. And rather than taking the pack, I'm just gonna take the one cigarette with me. So yeah. Good plan.
I sneak back to the bedroom and I sneak out some clothes, my phone (which has no signal, but can still be a mp3 player) and I go get a single secret cigarette. I hook up the dog's harness and his leash and shit, I take the lighter from the incense place, I light the cigarette, and I book it out the door before I exhale.
So I'm outside and everything is going according to plan. I make it off the porch, the two "outside" dogs come up, the dogs are fucking around, I put in my headphones- so at this point, I have the lit cigarette in one hand, the phone in the other- with the dog's leash wrapped around my wrist. I don't have a driveway or anything, because I can't afford the gravel yet, so I'm walking down the hill while I'm trying to find a thing on my phone to listen to.
I don't know how it happened, but I'm walking, just minding my own buisness, and then out of nowhere I fall on my fucking face.
Hard.
And you know how, if you do that, you don't have time to think; your body reacts. Do you know what my brain, by itself decided to protect? Maybe my body, which carries it around and provides it? No. The fucking smartphone that is one of the few cool things that my broke ass owns? No. No, it's main priority is the fucking cigarette.
So I get up- pissed- because what the fuck is that? I can't remember any other time that I've just fucking- fallen on my face, completely sober. Nobody pushed me. I fucking fell. I am an adult and I fell on my fucking face. So I've got dirt and shit in my mouth and I spit that out- and my phone, SOMEHOW is not cracked. So I'm just like, "MWAHAHAHA SUCK IT GRAVITY! MY CIGARETTE IS LIT AND MY PHONE ISN'T BROKEN! ...where is all that blood coming from? Am I making that? Shit, I am."
And the entire front of my body- because I was wearing a shitty pair of shorts and a batman T-shirt is covered in scrapes and bruises and blood. And I'm just so pissed off. And I want to blame it on somebody, but there's nobody to blame it on, so that makes me more pissed off. So I walk down to the road, and I'm still really pissed even after I smoke, so I went jogging up and down the road just fucking... bleeding everywhere the whole time.
So I'm going to go take a shower and try my damndest to think of a cover story. For a reason I would fucking look like this. Because I look like shit.
Now, I am stupid. And when you're stupid, you know that about yourself, and you plan ahead for it. Not there's no way in hell I'm going to smoke in or near the house, because if she gets up, she'll know. And there's no way that I'm going to take the pack with me, because, being a dumbass, I'll forget about it and leave it in my pants or something. Actually, I wasn't even wearing pants, I was had pulled on a pair of shorts- and this becomes important later.
So I hatch a plan. I'm going to take the dog on a walk at like... 3 or 4 am or whatever it was. I'm gonna walk down to the road- which is a pretty good ways, and I'm gonna throw the cigarette butt on the road. And rather than taking the pack, I'm just gonna take the one cigarette with me. So yeah. Good plan.
I sneak back to the bedroom and I sneak out some clothes, my phone (which has no signal, but can still be a mp3 player) and I go get a single secret cigarette. I hook up the dog's harness and his leash and shit, I take the lighter from the incense place, I light the cigarette, and I book it out the door before I exhale.
So I'm outside and everything is going according to plan. I make it off the porch, the two "outside" dogs come up, the dogs are fucking around, I put in my headphones- so at this point, I have the lit cigarette in one hand, the phone in the other- with the dog's leash wrapped around my wrist. I don't have a driveway or anything, because I can't afford the gravel yet, so I'm walking down the hill while I'm trying to find a thing on my phone to listen to.
I don't know how it happened, but I'm walking, just minding my own buisness, and then out of nowhere I fall on my fucking face.
Hard.
And you know how, if you do that, you don't have time to think; your body reacts. Do you know what my brain, by itself decided to protect? Maybe my body, which carries it around and provides it? No. The fucking smartphone that is one of the few cool things that my broke ass owns? No. No, it's main priority is the fucking cigarette.
So I get up- pissed- because what the fuck is that? I can't remember any other time that I've just fucking- fallen on my face, completely sober. Nobody pushed me. I fucking fell. I am an adult and I fell on my fucking face. So I've got dirt and shit in my mouth and I spit that out- and my phone, SOMEHOW is not cracked. So I'm just like, "MWAHAHAHA SUCK IT GRAVITY! MY CIGARETTE IS LIT AND MY PHONE ISN'T BROKEN! ...where is all that blood coming from? Am I making that? Shit, I am."
And the entire front of my body- because I was wearing a shitty pair of shorts and a batman T-shirt is covered in scrapes and bruises and blood. And I'm just so pissed off. And I want to blame it on somebody, but there's nobody to blame it on, so that makes me more pissed off. So I walk down to the road, and I'm still really pissed even after I smoke, so I went jogging up and down the road just fucking... bleeding everywhere the whole time.
So I'm going to go take a shower and try my damndest to think of a cover story. For a reason I would fucking look like this. Because I look like shit.
