I know I shouldn't, but...

[JustDave]

I've just had my first story approved and I was wondering if anyone could summon any feedback. I enjoyed writing it, but I just re-read it and it's not really as good as I'd hoped (LOL). Any and all feedback on any and all aspects would be gratefully recieved.

Thanks in Advance



(Story @ -> http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50043)

 

[secretdesire]

Hi JustDave. Congratulations on your first story.

After reading your submission, I think you have a good feel for story telling. You created some tension right off the bat by letting us know the guy was struggling with his physical desires, knowing in his mind that acting upon them would be bad. And of course, we get the woman's perspective too, which adds to the dilemma (since she has the hots for him).

So the conflict was there, ready to be played out. I think you let it go too easily, though. They came together without much effort at all, which, if they were secret lovers or something would have been fine. But here we had two people who secretly lusted for each other and one of them wanted to resist. It was the perfect opportunity for a seduction, rather than an "oh well, let's do it". You know what I mean? Granted, the man may not have been very strong-willed, but I would have expected him to resist the temptation a little bit. And I think that would have made the story more intense.

Now onto everyone's favorite... grammar! You definitely had some problems in this department. I don't know how experienced of a writer you are, so some of this stuff may be well known to you and just got overlooked in your editing (you'll always find mistakes after you think you've corrected everything!). The main problems I found were awkward sentences and run-on sentences.

Here's an example from your story:

"She wasn't the most attractive, but there was something about her, the way she carried herself was so intricately sexy, but he had promised himself, and she wouldn't look at him anyway, not in that way."

Here's how I might write it:

"She wasn't the most attractive, but there was something about her--the way she carried herself--so intricately sexy. But he had promised himself and, well, she wouldn't look at him anyway, not in that way."

Another big problem I found was your sudden change from past tense to present tense:

"...She looked so fine there, just waiting for him. She kissed his hand lightly, and sends a shiver up his arm. Then it is as if time slows as she places it on her breast..."

You did this in mid-paragraph, about halfway through the story, and remained present tense to the end. I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not since it happened right about the time they got together. But it didn't work. You should stick to one tense or the other.

My only other comment has to do with the male/female POVs. That can sometimes work and sometimes just come across as gimmicky. In your story, it didn't seem gimmicky because you overlayed them pretty well. The thing I didn't like, though, is that there was virtually no difference in their perspectives. It was like he'd say "I touched her arm." Then she'd say "He touched my arm." So it was really just redundancy rather than something that added depth to the story.

With a just little work, I think you could improve this story tremendously. But even if you don't want to go back to it, I hope you'll find my comments helpful on your next one. I'll look forward to seeing more stories by you in the future.

 

[JustDave]

Thank you for you in-depth feedback, it was great!

Firstly the easy bits, my Grammar. I know I pretty much suck here, I'm trying my best but I flunked it at school so I'm feeling my way! I will get there in time, I'm just gonna keep plugging it. My writing experience, erotic or oherwise, is very, very limited.

Ditto the change of tense, you know I didn't even notice that until you pointed it out

The M/F POV was something that just seemed to happen, I feel I could have done more with them, but kinna ran out of ideas, and insight into the female mind LOL.

I am (seriously) considering re-writing this story, and would definately include more tension before 'much' actually happened, but originally I had trouble thinking of ways to do this, as they both DO want each other! LOL, maybe I could have them just having to keep it secret (the lives around them are actually even more complicated than the story lets on, they are both real live people, well, in my head ).

Ultimately I DID enjoy writing it, and although I know I've got a long way to do, this is a medium I really find liberating, both to read and, even more so, to write. I won't be going away anytime soon



(Story @ -> http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...ry.php?id=50043)

 

[Ray Dario]

Okay, this is all just my opinion, but here it is.

First, I enjoyed the story. You have talent, there is no doubt, it’s a little raw right now, but as you write more it will polish into shape. A few problems detracted from this story, but they are problems that are pretty easy to fix.

First, numbers in sentences. This is jarring to the reader, or at least to me when I read a story. Go ahead and spell the numbers out. It makes it read smoother.

Giving a statistic. I don’t like this. I don’t know how tall 5’9”. I don’t even know how tall 6’2” and that’s what my driver’s license says. Instead of saying

she was just a bit shorter than him at 5'9" with very long blonde hair.

Just say she was just a bit shorter than him. It really doesn’t matter that she’s 5’9” tall.

The change of tense was abrupt and jarring. This is something you should watch out for. It was the worst problem, by far, in your story. Although I must say that I didn’t really care for the POV shift. I found it confusing and it broke the action just when I was getting into it, but that’s just me.

If, as you say, you flunked English in high school, may I recommend Strunk and White’s “The Elements of Style”. I just got it. It’s only about seven bucks and is an excellent book. It explains a lot that my teachers in high school mucked up.

Overall you wrote a good story. Keep writing and good luck.

Ray

 

[secretdesire]

Firstly the easy bits, my Grammar. I know I pretty much suck here, I'm trying my best but I flunked it at school so I'm feeling my way! I will get there in time, I'm just gonna keep plugging it. My writing experience, erotic or oherwise, is very, very limited.

The quickest and easiest ways to improve your grammar are: 1) read other people's work, 2) think about how people speak and 3) read your own writing out loud.

For example, read this sentence out loud.

I put a comma after "for example" because it's a natural pause. There are actually rules for punctuation and such, but with a basic understanding of sentence structure and some common sense, you can get by pretty well. And, of course, the more you write, the better you'll get.

Here endeth the lesson