I just want to get some feedback on my story

[Horus21]

Hello, all. I'm new here and I would very much like to get some some feedback on my first story that I've submitted. Any help would greatly appreciated! I'm still trying to figure out the navigation of this site as well. So, any help in that department would also be appreciated. The story is called When I Awoke and it's a voyeuristic adventure in the great outdoors.
please be gentle. I'm new at this.

Thanks!

 

[cndallas]

Hello, all. I'm new here and I would very much like to get some some feedback on my first story that I've submitted. Any help would greatly appreciated! I'm still trying to figure out the navigation of this site as well. So, any help in that department would also be appreciated.

Thanks!

Can you post a link to the story?

 

[Horus21]

Can you post a link to the story?

I would love to but I'm not sure how to do that yet. Any suggestions?

 

[cndallas]

I would love to but I'm not sure how to do that yet. Any suggestions?

Go to your story and copy the URL from the address line on your browser. Highlight the complete address, press the Ctrl key and C at the same time. Then post a reply here and press Ctrl and V at the same time. This will copy it into the message.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Here's a link to the story:
When I Awoke

 

[Horus21]

When I Awoke

When I Awoke...
by Horus21 ©

One evening, when I awoke prematurely from my badly needed sleep, the glowing deep blue numbers on the digital clock in my bedroom began to glow brighter. They had rarely bothered me in the past but this was not an ordinary evening. The clock read 2:10 am. I had been asleep for no more than an hour and a half, when a very troubling dream woke me up with a sudden lurch. I sat straight up in my bed, shouting NO! I tried to lie back down and reassure myself that it was only a dream but I knew that dreams were not merely free flowing irrelevant images of the psyche, they were important messages from the unconscious mind; shards of broken mirror that reflect our deepest and sometimes darkest inner selves. That is one of the reasons that these dreams tend to be very disturbing for me, even after the memories of those images have faded back into the ether of the unconscious mind.

I decided to go out for a walk into the darkness of the night. I had learned a walking meditation technique from Alan Watts years ago when I was riding my mountain bike. I thought that it might accomplish three things. 1) Make some sense of these remaining fragmented images. 2) Work off some of this anxiety driven energy. 3) Restore my peace of mind.

I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I was not going to merely slip back into sleep without first doing something extraordinary. Reading was too passive; I needed to do something physical. Therefore, I went out.

As I began my trek into the California moonlit winter night, the air was chilly and clear. I made sure to wear warm clothes and my good walking boots. I felt immediately invigorated by the cool air and knowing that most of the human race in my funky little town were asleep.

I did not want to walk along those heavily trafficked boulevards and avenues, I wanted to creep along the dark, uninhabited mountain roads; roads that I could walk down the middle of with little concern for cars or other passersby.

I knew a couple of places that were tranquil and as Scott Peck would say, " Less traveled. " I walked for about a half an hour, all the while replaying those images of impending doom in my mind. The one thing that I knew I would never forget... was running. I had had these dreams before, the question was: What was I running from? I was afraid of something... but what, was the question.

As I continued on my journey, I came upon a truck up ahead. Apparently, the driver had parked in a hurry. The rear end was askew and sticking out into the roadway. As I approached, I could hear male and female voices emanating from it but they sounded as though they were outside. I couldn't see much from my vantage point because it was too dark. As I approached, I could hear a woman's voice moaning. I continued approaching slowly, quietly and her moans got louder. I did not want to sneak but I did not want to disturb whatever it was that was going on in that truck either. After all, I have the right to walk along this road. I stopped and listened... I could hear sucking sounds, mouth noises. I continued and finally, I reached a point where I could see a naked couple in the back of the truck and they were engaged in sixty-nine! My god... there they were out in the open, in the back of a flat bed truck, illuminated by only the moonlight, sucking each other!

Being the inquisitive voyeur that I am, I decided to hide behind a tree and watch and listen. The sounds alone were giving me a throbbing hard-on! I could see the woman on top. She had full hourglass hips and I could barely see the side of what appeared to be large breasts. I couldn't see the man very well due to him being on the bottom of this love pile. He appeared to be tall. In fact, he must have been very tall because his feet were hanging over the edge of the tailgate, which was in the down position. By the movement of her head, he must have a very large cock too. She was bobbing, gobbling, and occasionally choking as she took his entire long dick into her throat. I could see his hands on her ass. He had both hands holding her ass cheeks wide open. " Go deeper " he said! " That's it! " The sloshing sounds that he was making as he ate her pussy were intensifying. She was obviously very wet and he was reveling in her juice. I began to rub my crotch through my pants. I was afraid to take my dick out lest someone drive by and catch all three of us, them with mouths full of cock and pussy and me hiding behind this tree and spying on them.

"Stick your finger in my ass!" She squealed. He stuck all four fingers in his mouth and got them wet with saliva. As he began to insert his finger into her wanting rectum, she stopped sucking his dick, threw her head back and began humping his hand. She was fucking his finger and moaning, "Oh yea baby! Fuck my ass! " She was ready to cum, so he inserted another wet finger into her opening rectum. She could feel the orgasm beginning to vibrate from within her cunt but the fingers in her ass were intensifying the pleasure 10 fold. She looked over her left shoulder and continued fucking his hand as hard and as fast as she could. As she started to cum, she threw her head down onto his swollen cock again and began to deep throat his unyielding dick! She seemed lost in all of the sensations of having her clit licked, her ass penetrated and his creamy cock in her mouth. She could hold no more... she let out a continuous moaning squeal that sounded like a whiny motorcycle engine trying to turn over.

"Don't stop I'm coming! " she cried and just then... she released her cunt juice all over his face; all the while, fucking his fingers and stuffing his cock as deep as it would go into her throat. She liked the feeling of swallowing a cock that was too big to engulf and that intensified her orgasm as well.

As soon as she had squealed her last squeal, he pushed her off stood up, revealing one huge erect cock, grabbed her, bent her over the edge of the flat bed and began fucking her from behind. She was on her knees, holding on to the side of the truck for dear life, while he knelt behind her and plunged his big dick into her juicy cunt. He was no longer concerned about her needs, he wanted to cum now and he was so revved up that he knew it was not going to take long. He grabbed her by her hips with one hand and by the hair with the other and drew his long dick all of the way out and all of the way back in again. His strokes were so long that it seemed as though each stroke took a couple of seconds to complete. " Do you like getting fucked out here?" He asked.

She said " Oh yea baby fuck me good with that big hard dick! " He reached down and began to play with her clit as he fucked her and she began to squeal again.

He was ready to cum, so he fucked her with everything that he had and just as he was about to ejaculate... car lights approached from the opposite direction; shinning like giant flashlights on the mountains; they were getting closer and closer.

He pulled his cock out, they both lay down in the bed of the truck, and I hid completely behind the tree. I could see that they were both lying down but she started sucking his dick while staying low so they could avoid being seen by the approaching car. The car slowed down as it past. Obviously, its occupants were curious about what was going on but they did not stop. She continued to deep throat his cock and just at that moment, he came. I know because I could see him look up slightly and caress her head; all the while trying to remain quiet. She must have sucked up all his semen but I couldn't tell from where I was hiding.

When he was finished, he moaned a sigh of relief and they both started laughing hysterically. I saw them kiss, he said, " I love you, you little slut."

To which she replied," I love you too, you big freak! " They both scrambled to put their clothes back on, laughing and giggling like mischievous little girls. They got up, he put the tailgate back up, and they got into the truck, turned the truck around, drove right past my hidden body, and disappeared into the darkness. I remained there with some new images to ponder and some cum soaked underwear. I hadn't cum completely, but I had discharged so much pre-cum from the excitement that my shorts were soggy. I resigned myself to walking home with a new kind of meditation and masturbating when I got there. I felt awed by the sheer boldness of the couple and I felt a little jealous because they were obviously in love and they obviously had great sex together. Maybe someday, I can have that kind of relationship, that kind of outrageous sex too.

Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved

 

[Hotcappucino]

Hi, Horus21. Thanks for posting the story in your thread. The first word of the posted version got chopped off and I was a little puzzled as to what that first "e" meant.

First off, some minor technical notes. Some of your punctuation is a little off. For example, when quoting something, you shouldn't include spaces between the quote marks and what you're quoting. Also, if someone is speaking, the quoted phrase should be separated from the unquoted phrase using a comma. For example:

I knew a couple of places that were tranquil and as Scott Peck would say, " Less traveled. "
Should be:
I knew a couple of places that were tranquil and, as Scott Peck would say, "Less traveled."

She said " Oh yea baby fuck me good with that big hard dick! "
Should be
She said, "Oh yea, baby, fuck me good with that big hard dick!"

Also, I'd avoid using too many exclamation points within the story. When it's used a lot outside of dialog, it just seems to have an "Oh, golly gee!" feel to it.

Aside from those small errors in punctuation, I thought the story was very well done for a first-timer. Good story structure, with adequate intro and a good close, although I somehow got the feeling from the opening paragraph that this story was going to involved some sort of psychic or paranormal phenomenon. You set the scene very well, a quiet, crisp moonlit night.

One thing that was puzzling was that early on, when the main character first sees the couple in the back of the truck, he says he can't see the man very well because he was on the bottom. That makes sense, since the walls of the truck bed would prevent a good view of anyone laying back there.

However, later in the story, it seemed like the voyeur could see too many details of what the man was doing. For example, being able to see him stick "all four fingers in his mouth" and being able to see her release "her cunt juice all over his face," especially when he describes being able to see the woman stuffing his cock deep into her throat at the same time. To me, I just can't picture where the main character would be hiding in relation to the truck in order to witness all of the details that were described. Perhaps if the voyeur established where his hiding place was relative to the truck (for example, at the back of the truck looking into the truck bed, or on a small ridge besides the truck, looking down into the bed), it would be easier to write descriptions that would be more consistent with what he could see.

One last thing is that when a story is written in the first person (that is, the reader sees the story as it's being narrated by the main character), you really can't write what another person is feeling or thinking, because you're writing from the main character's perspective; only his feelings and thoughts are available to you. If you wish to write about someone else's thoughts or feelings, you have to do it by interpreting what the main character sees the other person doing or saying. For example:

She was ready to cum, so he inserted another wet finger into her opening rectum. She could feel the orgasm beginning to vibrate from within her cunt but the fingers in her ass were intensifying the pleasure 10 fold.

And later on:

She liked the feeling of swallowing a cock that was too big to engulf and that intensified her orgasm as well.

The main character really can't "know" this (unless he were somehow inside the woman's mind), and that's one of the shortcomings of trying to write in the first person. That's why most beginning writers are encouraged to start off writing stories in the third person, because if you write in the third person, you're free to write about any of the characters thoughts & feelings.

Hope this helps. You have a very good story that just needs to be refined a little to make it a great one. If you'd like some pointers on improving your writing, visit the Essays and How-To's, or feel free to ask any further questions.