I just don't understand....relationship

[beautiful_lacy]

I've been engaged since November and I have been getting so frustrated at my fiance. He complains about not getting sex more than twice a week, but every time I approach him for sex (the last 4 times and it just happened again today -- over a several month period) he always either turns it down or he says something that just totally destroys whatever sexual mood I was in. I get that some guys don't like hair on women, but we live in an apartment where the bathtub is unusable and I hate shaving in the shower, so shaving doesn't occur as often as I'm sure my fiance would like, but when he called it disgusting today it really hurt my feelings. Of course now he is mad at me for being mad at him. Well what does he expect? I have yet to approach him for sex and him accept. What does he think that does to my sex drive? That after he says a comment like that I can still be raring to go? Not only that, but when we do have sex, it is a pain in the ass to even get him to warm me up. I am a woman, I can't be ready in two seconds. I love him, and he really is a great guy, or I wouldn't be engaged to him and living with him, but our bedroom situation is really getting on my nerves. This doesn't really belong in the How To, but the General Boards are a little too undermoderating for me, so forgive me.

 

[unregistered]

 

[beautiful_lacy]

I don't typically shave in the shower because I have dizzy spells if I'm in the shower for too long and the constant bending over and standing up makes it worse. I typically only go two weeks max before breaking down and shaving (I always shave my underarms because it doesn't make me dizzy), but we've been together for two years and this hasn't been an issue before. And he has never been rude about it. We are both the types to disregard social norms (I think it is ridiculous the pressure women go through to look like models) but he has never had a problem with it before. I'm just frustrated and this was the only place I had to vent.

 

[mntcmn]

believe you me

Believe me when I tell you if your guy turns you down for sex because you haven't shaved, he's got MAJOR problems and they have nothing whatever to do with what grows out of a follicle!! Best get to a counselor pronto if the two of you are not able to discover and discuss whatever it is that has angered or upset him.

 

[beautiful_lacy]

Yes, I've been thinking about couple's counseling, but I haven't figured out how to ask him to go.

 

[infinity706]

In my experience, bedroom issues are usually signs of larger problems. You may need to consider that more could be wrong in the relationship. Maybe.

Also, I'm not sure how many guys are able to look past hairy women. You didn't mention if this is pubic hair or leg/underarm hair, but if shaving is something he'd really like you to do I think you may need to shave in the shower. What is it about shaving in the shower that you don't like? I rarely have time for a bath and do all of my shaving in the shower with no problems.

Plus, twice a week is pretty good for married couples by the way, at least those past the newlywed stage. He may not realize that...

You've posted in a great place for advice, I'm sure the regular HT responders will be here shortly with their well-composed replies.

I actually kind of like hair. It captures the natural smell of the person. Of course, I don't mind shaved or trimmed, either.

 

[beautiful_lacy]

Right. I prefer my more natural state and I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I should shave every day or every other day just to please a man, especially since I've been the same way since we started dating. He just came and apologized for being an ass (his words). I'm still a little irritated, but I accepted his apology. I'm tired of coming to him for sex and him rejecting it, so if he wants sex, he's just gonna have to come to me.

 

[Rayven101]

It does sound like there may be larger issues in the relationship. I guess I need to ask how freely do you talk about sex with your partner? your wants, needs, dislikes etc... you may want to tell him how his comment hurt you -perhaps have him shave you? That might be a very sensual experiece for you both.

I know my husband likes me smooth, that is just because he loves to lavish attn on me lol and I don't always shave in the shower - I can't see with all the water coming down. So I take my time and find some "Me time" and do it in the bathroom. There are ways.

I wish you the best of luck hun, but you have to resolve this before you get married. You need to be able to talk about things like this without feelings getting hurt....openess is KEY.

Hugs,
Rayven xx

 

[beautiful_lacy]

Thank you. We have talked about our likes and dislikes several times, but where I want to experiment, he doesn't, so we are kind of stuck. But yeah, I definitely want to do counseling (for myself -- underlying issues growing up; and for us as a couple). Divorce is not an option for me, so I definitely want us to be at the right place before we get married.

 

[sunandshadow]

What about an electric razor? But, personally I don't shave, I think the whole custom of shaving is kinda ridiculous. And any man who calls his girlfriend disgusting deserves to be slapped (excluding if it's in good natured play, which this obviously wasn't.)

 

[Rayven101]

Thank you. We have talked about our likes and dislikes several times, but where I want to experiment, he doesn't, so we are kind of stuck. But yeah, I definitely want to do counseling (for myself -- underlying issues growing up; and for us as a couple). Divorce is not an option for me, so I definitely want us to be at the right place before we get married.

Hun,
He has to be willing to experiment with you. I have been married twice - The first time around I was 17 when I met him and married at 18 - the intimacy piece was terrible and next to none ( meaning I was lucky if it was one a year) and we could not talk about it because if I did I was a whore. Needless to say there were other issues - he was abusive - I finally left 19 years later and now married to a man who blew open that sexual door and allows me to experiement, explore, talk, dream, fantaize, and bring them into reality.

What I am getting at is - don't waste yourself if he isn't willing to meet you half way...otherwise you are stuck and miserable. I truly hope the counseling works and you can be happy.

Rayven xx

 

[NippleMuncher]

Thank you. We have talked about our likes and dislikes several times, but where I want to experiment, he doesn't, so we are kind of stuck. But yeah, I definitely want to do counseling (for myself -- underlying issues growing up; and for us as a couple). Divorce is not an option for me, so I definitely want us to be at the right place before we get married.

As has been mentioned, this is well beyond a sexual issue, and if you're unable to resolve whatever that issue is, then counselling is in order if this relationship is to continue. It is obvious that you love him, and I strongly suspect that things have not always been the way that they are now, which suggests some outside stressor is in place.

For him to demand things of a sexual nature, yet is unwilling to entertain things that are appealing you, suggests a severe sexual incompatibility that will only serve to further drive a wedge between the two of you.

Now, from a personal standpoint, I can absolutely see your fiance's affinity for a shaved coochie, it is one of my favorite things. However, I also understand that I am not the owner of said coochie. I am also PAINFULLY aware of what a shaved nether region feels like to those unaccustomed, and the maintenance of such a thing. I will not demand anything of my mate that I am not willing to do myself if that is what she would like. I am also perfectly willing to entertain her ideas of fun, regardless of my tastes.

Love and relationships are all about give and take. From the sounds of it, you're doing all the giving, he's doing all the taking. This is a cycle that must be broken before your relationship advances or it will be doomed from the start. You may not believe in divorce, but consider the alternative, being married to an insensitive bastard for the rest of your life. Honey, you are worth SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much more than that, don't be sublimated in your relationship before your life even starts.

If he won't go to counseling with you, go on your own. You won't regret it.

 

[Ginger41]

There is soooooo much more going on here than shaving/not shaving..

Personally, you need to run, not walk, away... The lack of respect is cause enough and it wont get better.. IMHO

But since you both "love" each other then you need to figure out what is going on here. Could be as simple as cold feet on his side.. The counseling should help greatly.


Good luck with every thing.

 

[beautiful_lacy]

I just realized what might be going on this morning. He was engaged before and he told me that once they were engaged, his fiancee just went crazy (she was bipolar) and that they were broken up with 3-4 months. We've been engaged since November, and I don't remember any of this being an issue before that. Before we got engaged, he said he was nervous that it would ruin our relationship, but I told him that wouldn't happen. I wonder if he is subconsiously trying to see what it will take for me to leave. I think counseling will definitely help determine what is going on and moving past it. It is hard for me to voice my concerns (stepdad was kind of volatile growing up so I tended to stay in the background) so I think having a counselor to kind of "push" me to talk will open up our relationship.

Thanks everyone for your advice. We love each other and I know relationships are hard work, but I'm still learning. This is my first adult relationship, so it has been a learn as I go process. Again, thank you everyone.

 

[kmb411]

If there are any problems now, it will only get worse. When people are dating, they hide allot of them selves. Living together/ engaged, people let their hair down (no pun intended). Once married, life changes agian and people settle into roles. They rarely change to the positive, normaly to the negetive.

Run now!!!

 

[NaomiWiz]

For me shaving is really troublesome and i'll only do it prior to occation i'm attending. My bf did mentioned my legs hair spoiled his mood but I didn't took it into heart I supposed i'm easily forgive and forget that kinda person. There was once few years back, I needed to attend a function so I shave my hair after shaving my armpits, pussy and legs clean, my friend called my mobile and I chatted with her while I was still naked walking around in the room, my bf walked in saw me but I was too busy searching for after shave cream. That night he gave me a big one, he had never been so wild before which surprised me. I never came but his one time wildest act was worth remembering.
Maybe I'm too busy with my job and outings and it didn't matter to me much of my needs. Sometimes I do question myselve 2 people together in love but less satisfaction can it work? Or the otherway round.
I'm not into giving you ideas of breaking up but if you guys really love each other I do hope you both find a way to compromise each other.
Good luck!


~NaomiWiz~
*There were times after stuff were done, beneath hold a question 'what if'

 

[Dearelliot]

My wife will not shave...we are married 50 years...and I think she has shaved twice...but ...thats the way she wants it...so we dont always get everything we want..I have total access to it for whatever I want so I cant complain...

 

[bambikiller]

Maybe he just jerked off and didn't think he could do it twice in a row.

 

[subwannabe]

He may have issues due to his past relationship, BUT, this doesn't bode well for the future. You are young and young people find someone they love and think it is the real thing, get married, and then get divorced. I'm a big believer in communication but if you're talking about counseling and you're not even married yet, you are asking for a life long of misery. Don't be naive enough to think that you or him or both can just go for counseling, get fixed, and live happily ever after. It isn't going to happen. You've got to mature and realize that there is more than one fish in the pond and that you can feel the same way about someone else who you can get engaged to, not need counseling, and live happily ever after. Pleaaaaaaaaase realize that and that what you are going through is just the tip of the iceberg. You are on the Titanic and don't even realizie it.

 

[Primalex]

He was engaged before and he told me that once they were engaged, his fiancee just went crazy (she was bipolar) and that they were broken up with 3-4 months.

I wonder if the fiancee tells the same story.

 

[Keleigh]

I understand your frustration with being turned down, but I'd like to point out the flip side.
You said you aren't shaving.
Maitenance is important--- you don't have to be a model but are you also making an effort to be what he finds attractive?

I'm honestly just curious.

And for what it's worth, I can't shave in the shower either, but I shave in the bathroom sink, it requires some acrobatics but it works.
Or sit on the floor of the shower and do ti that way--- just some suggestions, really not trying to be a bitch just offering a different perspective.

 

[CasualLurker]

Right. I prefer my more natural state and I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I should shave every day or every other day just to please a man, especially since I've been the same way since we started dating. He just came and apologized for being an ass (his words). I'm still a little irritated, but I accepted his apology. I'm tired of coming to him for sex and him rejecting it, so if he wants sex, he's just gonna have to come to me.

While shaving every day or every over day may be too much (I'm not a woman, and not you, so I don't know how frequent you need to shave to stay smooth), the bolded is the thing that most disturbs me.

This isn't a man, this is your man. Worse, it's your fiance. You're showing him exactly how <edit>he will be treated the rest of </edit> his life with you...2nd place.

His apologizing was because of his more harsh direct tone and the way you took it. He let you know how he felt about it, and you don't give a F.

Break it off now if that's how you're going to treat him....

Edited to better reflect what I was saying.

 

[storyreader84]

And for what it's worth, I can't shave in the shower either, but I shave in the bathroom sink, it requires some acrobatics but it works.

WOW, That seems like a little more than acrobatics!!!

 

[storyreader84]

- Your man has got to put in his work to, if he wants it then he needs to be pleasing you also, i.e. getting you warmed up ;-)
- I agree with some of the others, maybe you should think about at least keeping it trimmed if you don't like the shaved feel/look, my wife keeps it short (not too short that it is giving me a face burn) and trimmed and shaves it only on special occasions for me
- Glad he apologized but don't give up going to him when you want it, but I'd communicate to him that he better be pleasing you when you're needing a little action and then if he still is 'ugh...', you probably know how to get him to change his mind ;-)

 

[Dearelliot]

Id like to add...there is pubic hair a nd then there IS PUBIC HAIR! my wife's is sparse...but I have seen some real bears..