I have to leave my kids.

[kiwiwolf]

How do you tell the 4 people that mean more to you than anything in the world that you have to leave? I can't stay in the situation I'm in now. It's effecting my health and my sanity. But walking away from this situation means walking away from my kids.

Only one of these fantastic little critters is mine by birth, Jamie my 4 1/2 yr old, but I love the others as if they were mine. I have looked after them and loved them for the past 5 1/2 years. I've looked after them when they were sick. I've lied to them about their real Dad... telling them that he can't come and see them because he is very busy with work when in reality he doesn't give a shit. I've lied to them about their mother telling them basically the same thing for the same reason.

The mother of my kids and I used to be very close. It ended December last year when she decided she would like to sample the grass over the fence to see if it tasted better. She and her boyfriend now occupy space in the basement. So far I've managed to handle the situation for the last 6 months or so but now it is getting too hard. I've only stayed to be with the kids but I can't handle it any more.

The older kids will be able to handle it. They will be upset but they will manage. How do you tell a 4 1/2 yr old that you love her but you have to leave? Jamie is my world. She is the first thing I see every morning when I wake up... she comes in and wakes me... and I'm the last thing she sees before she goes to sleep. I love her so much that this is making me physically ill.

Opinions? Advice?

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Kiwi... first, I'm so sorry that you're in such a tense situation... I wish that I could take some of the pain from you, and I wish I could offer you a bear hug. But hugs dont heal the kind of wound you're suffering from. Just know that my PM box is always open if you need to talk, cry, rant, or just know I'm here.

Are you able to have visitation with your kids? Or maybe live closeby so that you can visit whenever you or they want? Maybe they can come for 'sleepovers at dad's place'?

 

[kotori]

Any chance of you keeping the kids and just giving the mum and b/f the push? I know what you're going through (unfortunately) and I'm the one who left. And I'm intimidated when I go back because every visit is either walking on eggs or skips that step and devolves into the same old shit, hashed over and over. It sucks, brother wolf.

 

[SweetCherry]

Wolfie, I can't tell you what to do or even offer much advice. I can, however offer you an ear if you need it. I consider you a friend. I hope you can find the solution and do what's best for you.

Hugs to you, Wolfie.

 

[riff]

Kiwiwolf- it sounds like a nightmare to me....

But you are not leaving their lives. And nothing is forever? And who is to say- as difficult as this might be, it might also be the best thing for you and them right now.

All my best,

riff

 

[intrigued]

Oh man...I am so sorry. I am living this myself with my 5 year old, and her anguish over not being with her Dad. We had to go very, very slowly with her. When we separated, he still came here roughly 4 nights a week to eat dinner with us, give her a bath, etc. He would get her half of each week, usually Thursday through Sunday, and that helped her tremendosusly. One of the things we did is that she also has a bedroom at his house with everything in it that she needs so that she isn't constantly toting her stuff back and forth, other than her clothes, and she even has clothes there, too. She speaks to him on the phone alot, and they even email eachother, though hers are mostly just smilie faces.
It has taken a very long time, but finally the tears each night at bedtime ended, the begging me to "let Daddy live with us again" ended...and yes, that was pure hell. There are no more unbearable goodbye scenes when I pick her up each Sunday evening from his house, so the best thing I can tell you is that it is just going to take alot of time, alot.
As for you, its going to tear you apart so much so that you may just change your mind, and then change it again. There is nothing like seeing their lives change so drastically, but believe me, they sense your pain, they know when things just aren't right. You do the best you can, and don't you worry, they are going to love you no matter what....
One thing to consider...do you think the children are OK there, without you? I mean, is she taking care of them in a manner that suits you?

I am very sorry.

 

[Guest]

I haven't been blessed with children. So, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. I can empathize, to a point. I don't have any new options to present. I only want to tell you that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Your kids are lucky.

 

[Dillinger]

This breaks my heart. I really feel for you. And I wish I could offer something that would help you. I'm not sure that I can.

I guess it all comes down to seeing it not necessarily as leaving but as a change in life. Hopefully you can arrange to have co-custody, visitation - whatever it takes... and fight for it. And hopefully for everyone it will turn out for the best.

 

[Private Vasquez]

I can't even begin to imagine. I'm wicked sorry.

Is it not possible to live close enough - without actually living in the same house - that any of them may come and see you when they please?

 

[Soblue]

What a terrible situation, I'm sorry to hear it.

Why can't you ask her to leave and go live with her boyfriend somewhere else? Maybe if you appeal to her that she will have more freedom that way, she'll take the bait.

 

[PepperminTrish]

I am so very sorry Kiwiwolf. I wish I had some words of comfort or advice to offer you but I'm at a loss. My thoughts are with you and your children.

 

[Lovepotion69]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. What pain to experience, your own and your children's...

I don't have any good advice, but I can lend an ear and be a shoulder to cry on.

*HUGS*

/LP

 

[SexyChele]

KW - my heart cries out for you. I can't even try to understand what hell you are going through, but the pain comes through your post. If you need some one to listen, I'm here.

You will be in my thoughts...

 

[Debbie]

You know where I am mate, I know your heart is breaking. I am so sorry.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[MishkarinaSkye]

Your post made me really sad... For you, your daughter, your children and ultimately your childrens' mother. She's the one who doesn't know what she has done [to her kids]. It'll be too late for her to do anything when she gets a clue.

As for you.. Don't sit back. If you leave, make it temporary to your daughter. Fight for her!!! Make sure all the children know that you aren't leaving them and that you are only a call away - anytime!

((HUGS)) I'm sorry you have to go through this. No one should have to.

 

[kiwiwolf]

Thank you all for your replies and wishes. When I posted this I dived out the door as quick as possible for two reasons. First to go and get Jamie from Kindy and secondly because I was getting a bit too damned emotional.

Intrigued you have hit the nail on the head with one of your questions. Will the kids be okay with their Mum and her boyfriend? that is the one that keeps me awake at night... literally. If I knew they would be okay it would be an easier decision to make. My ex used to be the most amazing mother. She was proud of the fact that she knew where all of the kids were every second of the day. Sha taught the three older ones to read and write rudimentary words before they went to school. Her love and attachment for the kids was obvious. Two weeks ago the oldest was accepted into a programme for advanced kids. He was the only one out of 273 Auckland applicants. Despite telling her I was putting his application in and also telling her he had made it in, she didn't know what he was talking about when he gave her the news himself.

Her boyfriend taught my youngest to play Resident Evil on the playstation... a game you can't even buy or hire here in NZ unless you are 16 yrs old. She is 4 1/2. He wonders why she runs screaming to my room every night when she is woken by nightmares of zombies. Zombies at age 4 1/2. Fucking moron. This by the way is the same idiot I punched out a few months back for leaving some of my writing... erotic writing... up on my monitor after breaking into my computer. I caught my 7 yr old reading it.

I don't know what to do. I'm riding an emotional roller coaster and can't see a way off.

 

[MishkarinaSkye]

Her boyfriend taught my youngest to play Resident Evil on the playstation... a game you can't even buy or hire here in NZ unless you are 16 yrs old. She is 4 1/2. He wonders why she runs screaming to my room every night when she is woken by nightmares of zombies. Zombies at age 4 1/2. Fucking moron. This by the way is the same idiot I punched out a few months back for leaving some of my writing... erotic writing... up on my monitor after breaking into my computer. I caught my 7 yr old reading it.

I don't know what to do. I'm riding an emotional roller coaster and can't see a way off.

And he's the grass that was greener on the otherside.. OMFG... What a moran she is!

 

[sexy-girl]

i cant really give much advice i guess semi recently my father left my mother but under the circumstances he did i've found it impossible to forgive him and we're not close now at all even though my mother forgave him and they now are kind of friends

however your situation is totally different im sure you can still keep in touch with your kids and maybe in the end the whole situation will be better for them because you will be less stressed and happier and that will rub off on them also

although i was annoyed about my dad leaving under the circumstances he did life is a lot happier and easier for me and my mother since her left

but like i said your situation is different my dad was the "bad guy" you're not

 

[Chuckus]

Kiwiwolf,

I only can offer you my kind and warm thoughts. I have no suggestions or advice. Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do, even after thinking about it a bit. Sorry I am not of much "good" in this situation. Best of luck to you.

Chuckus

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ki, don't leave. Kick him out. She can go or stay as she wishes. Your childrend come before she does and quite obviously she's more interested in sampling the grass than being a mother.

You have to decide what's best for your children and what's best for you. And you have to get a lawyer.

Obviously the kids are staying put. Or should be moving with you (if for some reason the homestead is hers and not yours). She can be a wonderful mother again, sometimes all it takes is a little wake up call.

Whatever you do, don't tell them you're leaving. Tell them that you can't handle living where you don't have a wife that loves you anymore and you're going to move into your own home. They are more than welcome to be there with you. You may find that they want to pack up and move with you.

Kids know who the better parent is, believe you me.

 

[kiwiwolf]

i cant really give much advice i guess semi recently my father left my mother but under the circumstances he did i've found it impossible to forgive him and we're not close now at all even though my mother forgave him and they now are kind of friends

however your situation is totally different im sure you can still keep in touch with your kids and maybe in the end the whole situation will be better for them because you will be less stressed and happier and that will rub off on them also

although i was annoyed about my dad leaving under the circumstances he did life is a lot happier and easier for me and my mother since her left

but like i said your situation is different my dad was the "bad guy" you're not

All I want is for my kids to grow up in a strong loving environment where Dad is someone you can love, have fun with and respect. These were all things that were missing for my upbringing. I never want my kids to regret having had me for a father or step father. I want to know that they know that I love them very much.

I know that it sounds very melodramatic but believe me when I say that these kids are my life.

 

[ksmybuttons]

I am so sad for you, gentle sir. You have always talked with such respect regarding your children. Does she want the children? Have you offered her the option of you keeping them all and having her visit when it fits her schedule? Might just work...

 

[erosman]

You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

As parents, we want our children to be happy, but often we invalidate that dream for them, by refusing to take the steps that would put our own happiness in the forefront. The line between giving to others and taking for ourselves sometimes seems to be fluid.

However...there is always another path...out of any mess.

Good luck, kw in your search.

 

[sexy-girl]

All I want is for my kids to grow up in a strong loving environment where Dad is someone you can love, have fun with and respect. These were all things that were missing for my upbringing. I never want my kids to regret having had me for a father or step father. I want to know that they know that I love them very much.

I know that it sounds very melodramatic but believe me when I say that these kids are my life.

it doesn't sound melodramatic it makes sense ... im sure you will always be in their lives and maybe by doing what you're doing now it will be possible for you to stay in their lives ... my father can't be in my life now not in a meaningful way anyway because of how he messed up maybe i will forgive him in future but i can't now and i wont for many years not completely anyway

i guess though my sister and i were older than what your kids are now though

i wish you luck though i know its a difficult choice to make