I have submitted 3 stories and,,,,

[Carnus]

Recently on the last one I submitted

Milk does a body very good (fetish)

I received feedback from an anonymous user who ripped the story to shreds basing his rather unpleasant observations on my having written it as first person. I am curious what other writers think of the story, and of writing in first person. Please let me know what you think. I have also received some very positive comments about the story as well, and it has a rating of 4.3 so i don't think I amdoing too poorly, well I hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks
Carnus

 

[MNGuy]

A lot of the erotica I wrote was in the first person. Because when I wrote it, it was a personal fantasy. I never expected to find Literotica or even submit some of the work for publication. If I ever got around to it, I could increase my story base here from the current two to twenty in a matter of a week. Some people just don't like anything in first person form. But I think there is a place for it, especially here, where people are exploring fantasies, as they write, they like to feel like part of the story.

 

[Carnus]

I am glad to hear I am not the only one that thnks so, not all stories should be of course, but I like them that way sometimes, to write and to read. You really should publish your stories here, if nothing else you can use it as a flirt point in a bar,, tell some girl you have published erotic material hehehe ( never thought of doing that before, hmmmmmm )

Carnus

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The problem is not the first person, which is routine, but the second: You do this, you feel that. This puts quite a few people off, because they manifestly aren't going to do or feel those things.

I haven't tried a second-person story, so don't have a feel for what techniques could make it work: but yours has the failings that people complain about. She is wholly unspecific, she gets nothing out of it. She has no voice, no name, no personality. You're telling a little bit about her - she has to respond to give you pleasure - but mainly about yourself.

A lot of your sentences look as if you hadn't read them after writing:

You look at me and agree and I smile softly, trust me my pet it will be worth I assure you as I leave.

One comma, a missing 'it', no punctuation clues to the transition between actors, or from action to speech and back to action.

I reach down and run my fingers along my wet cock, scooping up the mix of milk and cum on my fingers I bring them up to your lips and watch as you lick the taste of us from the tips of my fingers.

This is a hybrid of 'I reach down, scooping up the mix on my fingers' and 'Scooping up the mix on my fingers, I bring them up and watch'. The 'scooping' clause changes ownership. If you'd read it I think you would have heard that it jerks abruptly as it does.

Your nipples are very large and hard and I suck each of them into my mouth, sucking hard to taste your milk I bite down just a bit on each one.

Same problem, running on and switching the ownership of the 'sucking' clause. The fact that you repeat 'hard', and 'suck', and put 'bit' near 'bite', also suggests you didn't re-read. Your ear should tell you to take them out.

This also illustrates another problem, that the word choice is flat. There is almost no variety, and no description. This prevents any emotion being conveyed. The only things going on are actions: a penis in here, a nipple out there. No sign of how they feel - the odd bare adjective like 'hard', 'wet' does little: how else would they be?

The feel of your warm milk and wet pussy around me is incredible and I cum quickly, filling you even more and feeling that coating my spasming cock as well. I begin to move slower loving the feel of you around me.

Unread again: feel... filling... feeling... feel.

And despite using that word three times, there are no feelings in this. Saying 'incredible', and 'loving' it, don't convey any feelings.

 

[Carnus]

The problem is not the first person, which is routine, but the second: You do this, you feel that. This puts quite a few people off, because they manifestly aren't going to do or feel those things.

I haven't tried a second-person story, so don't have a feel for what techniques could make it work: but yours has the failings that people complain about. She is wholly unspecific, she gets nothing out of it. She has no voice, no name, no personality. You're telling a little bit about her - she has to respond to give you pleasure - but mainly about yourself.

A lot of your sentences look as if you hadn't read them after writing:

You look at me and agree and I smile softly, trust me my pet it will be worth I assure you as I leave.

One comma, a missing 'it', no punctuation clues to the transition between actors, or from action to speech and back to action.

I reach down and run my fingers along my wet cock, scooping up the mix of milk and cum on my fingers I bring them up to your lips and watch as you lick the taste of us from the tips of my fingers.

This is a hybrid of 'I reach down, scooping up the mix on my fingers' and 'Scooping up the mix on my fingers, I bring them up and watch'. The 'scooping' clause changes ownership. If you'd read it I think you would have heard that it jerks abruptly as it does.

Your nipples are very large and hard and I suck each of them into my mouth, sucking hard to taste your milk I bite down just a bit on each one.

Same problem, running on and switching the ownership of the 'sucking' clause. The fact that you repeat 'hard', and 'suck', and put 'bit' near 'bite', also suggests you didn't re-read. Your ear should tell you to take them out.

This also illustrates another problem, that the word choice is flat. There is almost no variety, and no description. This prevents any emotion being conveyed. The only things going on are actions: a penis in here, a nipple out there. No sign of how they feel - the odd bare adjective like 'hard', 'wet' does little: how else would they be?

The feel of your warm milk and wet pussy around me is incredible and I cum quickly, filling you even more and feeling that coating my spasming cock as well. I begin to move slower loving the feel of you around me.

Unread again: feel... filling... feeling... feel.

And despite using that word three times, there are no feelings in this. Saying 'incredible', and 'loving' it, don't convey any feelings.

Thanks for the help on it, I really never liked the way I wrote the story much either, my first strory about meeting an online friend I think I did a much better job on. Again thanks for the comments and help on this one.

Carnus

 

[Chicklet]

Ditto to some...

Okay, I'm going to second the remark about 2nd person. It puts a lot of people off. IMHO, on lit at least, 2nd person works a lot better for the readers if the "you" is male. Get what I'm saying? But as a rule I *never* ever read 2nd person stories.

That set aside, I had very few problems with your story.

First paragraph, you write:

You look at me and agree and I smile softly, trust me my pet it will be worth I assure you as I leave.

First, this doesn't really make sense...it will be worth I assure you? Also, it read as a run-on, I think...at least it did to me. I'm honestly not that good at rules.

Also, you write what you said, but you don't write it as dialogue. I don't like to read stuff that way. It would be better (imho) as:

You look at me and agree. I smile softly.

"Trust me, my pet. It will be worth it."

Next!

I kiss you lips and gently rub your nipples as I go and sit down.

Obviously, you should be your.

I open my briefcase and pull out two plastic water bottles and about 4 feet of satin rope.

I then hold up the two bottles and pour one of them into the other, giving me about 2 cups of milk.

First off, all numbers under 100 ought to be spelled out ( I thought up until recently that it was under ten, but I have learned otherwise. ) Secondly, if you're not going to spell all of them out, at least be consistant.

Througout your story, it's "then I do this" and "then I do that." That's pretty boring, it's a play by play of what's going on...sort of like a report. A bad report. You have a good story going, you should fill in the blanks! What's your character thinking, what kinds of tingles are running through his body? How does he see her react? Those are the things the reader is really looking for - those are the things that flesh out your characters and make your story truly enjoyable.

I slide then end of the bottle into your open pussy and tilt it up...

Then should be the.

Basically, if I were you, I would go back and re-write the story. It's up to you whether you kill the 2nd person, but I would definitely change the small errors that another proof read would give you. If you want to make this a 4.8 instead of a 4.3 then use this story as an outline and try to flesh it up some. That's my opinion. Over and out.

-Chicklet

 

[Carnus]

Re: Ditto to some...

Okay, I'm going to second the remark about 2nd person. It puts a lot of people off. IMHO, on lit at least, 2nd person works a lot better for the readers if the "you" is male. Get what I'm saying? But as a rule I *never* ever read 2nd person stories.

That set aside, I had very few problems with your story.

First paragraph, you write:



First, this doesn't really make sense...it will be worth I assure you? Also, it read as a run-on, I think...at least it did to me. I'm honestly not that good at rules.

Also, you write what you said, but you don't write it as dialogue. I don't like to read stuff that way. It would be better (imho) as:

[/color]

Next!



Obviously, you should be your.





First off, all numbers under 100 ought to be spelled out ( I thought up until recently that it was under ten, but I have learned otherwise. ) Secondly, if you're not going to spell all of them out, at least be consistant.

Througout your story, it's "then I do this" and "then I do that." That's pretty boring, it's a play by play of what's going on...sort of like a report. A bad report. You have a good story going, you should fill in the blanks! What's your character thinking, what kinds of tingles are running through his body? How does he see her react? Those are the things the reader is really looking for - those are the things that flesh out your characters and make your story truly enjoyable.



Then should be the.

Basically, if I were you, I would go back and re-write the story. It's up to you whether you kill the 2nd person, but I would definitely change the small errors that another proof read would give you. If you want to make this a 4.8 instead of a 4.3 then use this story as an outline and try to flesh it up some. That's my opinion. Over and out.

-Chicklet

Thanks I might just do that

Carnus