I have a question......

[sexycaz22]

How do you know if you have found the right Dom? (either online or in real life)

The reason I am asking this question, is that I am currently searching for a Dom for an online D/s relationship/friendship. I am finding it really difficult to decide between some Doms who have answered my personal ads on collarme.com (i haven't made a personal ad on here.... and maybe I should have! *laughs*)

One Dom is really nice, kind and funny, another Dom seems to expect things almost straight away, the other Dom seems to be interested in sex only (?)

But then there are other Doms who are serious and is interested in getting to know ME as a person, and as a sub. This is where I find it difficult to decide between these Doms.

How do you (as a sub) decide? Do you have a checklist in your mind? Or do you go with your heart? (or) do you go with your head?

The same question goes to Doms - i.e. how do You know if You have found Your sub/slave?

I look forward to reading some of Y/your replies!

 

[WriterDom]

I think too many people are searching for a storybook ending where they live happily ever after when the reality is you might have several subs or Doms before you settle on one.

 

[catalina_francisco]

If I was looking for online only, for me the heart would not come into it as that would only be asking for future problems. That being said, no-one can tell you who is right for you and what you are looking for but you. What do you want from it? What are your list of needs? What are you expecting from the relationship? What are your limits in terms of personal issues, what you will/will not do? How serious is it going to be for you? Is it meant t be for the time you are online with that person only, or are you hoping for it to extend into your everyday life? Do you just want a bit of fun to releive the usual stuff of life? Is it something to give you to look forward to at the end of the day? What would you do if you found yourself wanting it to move beyond online? Would that be possible for both of you if it became a real need? These are just some of the things you should be looking at.

Basically, if you do not give out your full name, address, etc., someone online cannot physically hurt you so that takes a bit of the seriousness out of needing to get it right the first time. Depending on how it effects you, and how you feel about the whole situation, the outcomes can be good or bad. If you are definately not of a mind to move beyond online, chances are you are only ever going to get a certain level of commitment and input with the likely chance there will be a time limit of its survival. There are probably others who are more able to answer you as I have never been able to do the online only thing, it has always had to have the option it will extedn to real time if we both fit what the other was looking for. Good luck in searching anyway.

Catalina

 

[HottieMama]

How do you know if you have found the right Dom? (either online or in real life)

The reason I am asking this question, is that I am currently searching for a Dom for an online D/s relationship/friendship. I am finding it really difficult to decide between some Doms who have answered my personal ads on collarme.com (i haven't made a personal ad on here.... and maybe I should have! *laughs*)

One Dom is really nice, kind and funny, another Dom seems to expect things almost straight away, the other Dom seems to be interested in sex only (?)

But then there are other Doms who are serious and is interested in getting to know ME as a person, and as a sub. This is where I find it difficult to decide between these Doms.

How do you (as a sub) decide? Do you have a checklist in your mind? Or do you go with your heart? (or) do you go with your head?

The same question goes to Doms - i.e. how do You know if You have found Your sub/slave?

I look forward to reading some of Y/your replies!

Nice, kind, and funny win EVERY time with me. Because it goes this way...make me laugh and i want to keep talking to you...want to keep talking to you and i learn to trust you more...trust you more and almost anything becomes possible. My last Dom was my best friend before he became my Dom. While the relationship didn't end well, the fact that we were so close DID help our relationship while it was occurring...and it's making it a bit easier to salvage a friendship now.

 

[sexycaz22]

I think too many people are searching for a storybook ending where they live happily ever after when the reality is you might have several subs or Doms before you settle on one.

Yes, I do agree, and I am certainly not looking for a storybook ending, real life is not like that, not at all, either in the BDSM world or the vanilla world or any other worlds!!

I have been in two D/s relationships (online) and both of them were not really successful but I did take a few valuable information/things from both relationships and I will be always grateful for that.

 

[sexycaz22]

If I was looking for online only, for me the heart would not come into it as that would only be asking for future problems. That being said, no-one can tell you who is right for you and what you are looking for but you. What do you want from it? What are your list of needs? What are you expecting from the relationship? What are your limits in terms of personal issues, what you will/will not do? How serious is it going to be for you? Is it meant t be for the time you are online with that person only, or are you hoping for it to extend into your everyday life? Do you just want a bit of fun to releive the usual stuff of life? Is it something to give you to look forward to at the end of the day? What would you do if you found yourself wanting it to move beyond online? Would that be possible for both of you if it became a real need? These are just some of the things you should be looking at.

Basically, if you do not give out your full name, address, etc., someone online cannot physically hurt you so that takes a bit of the seriousness out of needing to get it right the first time. Depending on how it effects you, and how you feel about the whole situation, the outcomes can be good or bad. If you are definately not of a mind to move beyond online, chances are you are only ever going to get a certain level of commitment and input with the likely chance there will be a time limit of its survival. There are probably others who are more able to answer you as I have never been able to do the online only thing, it has always had to have the option it will extedn to real time if we both fit what the other was looking for. Good luck in searching anyway.

Catalina

First of all, thank you for your kind and encouraging words, Catalina and I am very honoured to have one of your posts in my thread as I have seen your posts in other threads and have always thought them to be very valuable and encouraging, even if I do agree or do not agree. So, very honoured to have your post in my thread!

Secondly, I never thought of how would it affect me in the end. The questions you set out, it makes sense and I might need to re-consider what I want from an online relationship so I thank you for that. It definitely has given me food for though!

 

[sexycaz22]

Nice, kind, and funny win EVERY time with me. Because it goes this way...make me laugh and i want to keep talking to you...want to keep talking to you and i learn to trust you more...trust you more and almost anything becomes possible. My last Dom was my best friend before he became my Dom. While the relationship didn't end well, the fact that we were so close DID help our relationship while it was occurring...and it's making it a bit easier to salvage a friendship now.

Yes, I agree that friendship is always vital and I always feel that the getting to know each other is very, very vital. Yet, a couple of Doms I have talked with, seemed to expect U/us to jump into a D/s relationship *online* almost straight away. Whenever I look at my personal ad, did I make it clear of what I am looking for? Is it too board? To be honest, I really do not know but the questions Catalina has set out in her post, certainly has give me food for thought and with each question, I will see what is my answer to each question and see if I should re-work my personal ad!

Nice, kind and funny - yes, I love that in a man or a Dom and I find it attractive in a man or Dom if they can make me laugh. If they can make me laugh then O/our friendship/relationship will evolve quickly! *smiles*

 

[naxalite0906]

Caz. I am currently looking too, but I will share with you the things I have learnt recently.

You always need to know what you want/expect from the entire thing, and always be upfront about it from the start. Even as a sub, you have a right to do what you want and choose who that is with.
Also.. TAKE YOUR TIME. Do not ever be forced into anything, or rush into things. As people have already said, you need to develop a friendship with them first, especially if you want something more meaningful than just some cyber kinky fun. Really do take the time to learn about that person, as well as paying attention to their online patterns/habits etc. From this you will know whether you both want the same thing, and how easy the contact between you will be. The ones willing to stick around and wait are the ones less likely to be in it just for sex, and will not vanish without a trace.

If you just want a kinky cyber fantasy, then just play the field, but I get the impression you want more than that. Taking the time to talk to someone and get to know them will help you realise if they want the same thing and are not just using you.

 

[sexycaz22]

Caz. I am currently looking too, but I will share with you the things I have learnt recently.

You always need to know what you want/expect from the entire thing, and always be upfront about it from the start. Even as a sub, you have a right to do what you want and choose who that is with.
Also.. TAKE YOUR TIME. Do not ever be forced into anything, or rush into things. As people have already said, you need to develop a friendship with them first, especially if you want something more meaningful than just some cyber kinky fun. Really do take the time to learn about that person, as well as paying attention to their online patterns/habits etc. From this you will know whether you both want the same thing, and how easy the contact between you will be. The ones willing to stick around and wait are the ones less likely to be in it just for sex, and will not vanish without a trace.

If you just want a kinky cyber fantasy, then just play the field, but I get the impression you want more than that. Taking the time to talk to someone and get to know them will help you realise if they want the same thing and are not just using you.

Thank you, Nax, for your encouraging words. I really appreciate it *smiles*

I am certainly taking my time and think about what I really want from a D/s relationship/friendship (either online or real life) and I am currently writing down what I want/expect from a D/s relationship and what I want to evolve into. *smiles*

 

[naxalite0906]

Thank you, Nax, for your encouraging words. I really appreciate it *smiles*

I am certainly taking my time and think about what I really want from a D/s relationship/friendship (either online or real life) and I am currently writing down what I want/expect from a D/s relationship and what I want to evolve into. *smiles*

It was the least I can do. Everyone needs help from somewhere. I just hope I helped.

Good luck with your search, whoever you find will be very lucky.

 

[sexycaz22]

It was the least I can do. Everyone needs help from somewhere. I just hope I helped.

Good luck with your search, whoever you find will be very lucky.

thank you, and no, whoever I find, I will be very lucky to have Him! *smiles*

 

[JupitersGirl]

With each new online relationship I engage in, I learn something new about myself and my sexuality. That is one of my goals going in ... to expand my horizons. If this is one of your goals, I would suggest that you go with someone who wants to learn about you, who you are, how you feel, where you are in your development and where you'd like to go. They can't lead you if they don't know where you're starting from.

On the other hand, you may just want someone to have some fun with or to experience on a comfort level or a myriad of other possibilities. What I am trying to say is, examine your specific needs before letting your heart become engaged.

Good luck to you!

 

[sexycaz22]

With each new online relationship I engage in, I learn something new about myself and my sexuality. That is one of my goals going in ... to expand my horizons. If this is one of your goals, I would suggest that you go with someone who wants to learn about you, who you are, how you feel, where you are in your development and where you'd like to go. They can't lead you if they don't know where you're starting from.

On the other hand, you may just want someone to have some fun with or to experience on a comfort level or a myriad of other possibilities. What I am trying to say is, examine your specific needs before letting your heart become engaged.

Good luck to you!

Thank you very much. I know, for one thing, is that I would be taking my time and explore my submissive side and learning more about who I am. I am very independent in the 'vanilla' world, but, somewhere in my mind, I find myself wanting to obey/please Someone, to enjoy submitting and to have a good spanking at the same time.

But I always feel that starting out online is a good starting point but at the same time, I am that scared to 'step' into the reality and to experience the emotions/feelings, however I am also excited at the thought. (oh, gosh, my cheeks are feeling hot as I write this --- oh, not the other cheeks down there!!)

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Talk to many. Build friendships over time. If the magic is there, it will occur, if it isn't you still have friends! Always a good thing.

 

[sexycaz22]

Talk to many. Build friendships over time. If the magic is there, it will occur, if it isn't you still have friends! Always a good thing.

Yes, I do fully agree, building friendships over time is important. I am beginning to realise that now.

As some Doms I have talked with, *well, actually a couple* seemed to be expecting for us to step into a D/s dynamic almost straight away, which has made me feel uncomfortable almost straight away and I have been honest with one Dom, through an email so we will have to wait and see what happens.

Thank Y/you A/all for the kind words and I really appreciate all Y/your advice and suggestions, it has actually made me think twice and I have re-worded my profile on the CM site.

Caz

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

I'm don't have much else to add from what other posters have said. I just wanted to thank you for posting the thread because it has made me think. I didn't ask myself some important questions before I started looking for an online relationship. I guess I didn't realize how intense it could get even though I know I am an emotional person. Because of this intensity I think it is making me want R/l even more, not quenching my desires as I thought it would. Anyway, good luck with your search. You seem like a thoughtful person with a good head on her shoulders.

Ivy

 

[foxyscarlett]

subs of a feather

Finding a dom is like finding a soul mate; you have to be able to trust them completely; I say meet them all and choose who you are most compatible and comfortable with, you will only get the best experience under these circumstances


FoxyScarlett
Writer
WWW.FOXY.FM

 

[littleone77]

Just follow your instinct.

Rarely does anyone ever get lucky the first time around. Each person comes into our lives for a reason. We learn from them about ourselves. Every Dom that pops up helps you in a way. Life is a learning experience and one day you will KNow. It will hit you so hard you are going to wonder why you didn't get there sooner. In the mean time though please do not settle for anything less than you deserve.

 

[satindesire]

A Few Good Questions

1. Is he demanding things from you that are hard limits for you, then accusing you of being 'unsubmissive' when you speak of your limitations?

2. Is he demanding physically or morally impossible things, and threatening punishment because of your limitations?

3. Does he listen to your wants, needs, fears and desires with respect and care, and offer input based on YOUR best interests?

4. Has he given you the ability to check on his background, such as personal information, the ability to contact his family/friends, and his job?

5. Is he demanding your collar or submission within the first few days of knowing him?

6. Has he had a past history of jail-time or probation from physical abuse/altercations or any other crime?

7. Is he a member of his local BSDM community? Does he participate in forums or chat in order to share and collect information?

*****************

These are my guidelines. Use them as you like!

 

[sexycaz22]

1. Is he demanding things from you that are hard limits for you, then accusing you of being 'unsubmissive' when you speak of your limitations?

2. Is he demanding physically or morally impossible things, and threatening punishment because of your limitations?

3. Does he listen to your wants, needs, fears and desires with respect and care, and offer input based on YOUR best interests?

4. Has he given you the ability to check on his background, such as personal information, the ability to contact his family/friends, and his job?

5. Is he demanding your collar or submission within the first few days of knowing him?

6. Has he had a past history of jail-time or probation from physical abuse/altercations or any other crime?

7. Is he a member of his local BSDM community? Does he participate in forums or chat in order to share and collect information?

*****************

These are my guidelines. Use them as you like!

WOW - what great guidelines, THANK YOU! I will certainly use the guidelines on my list...

Sadly, the Doms I have chatted with have seemed to have disappeared. but at least I have made a good friend out of it (from collarme.com) who is NOT a Dom, but he has helped me quite a lot when considering a Dom!

Thank you all for your advice/suggestions/input - all are appreciated!

Now, another question....*laughing*

Apart from collarme, which bdsm dating site do you think I should put my personal ad up and also, I would like to show you my personal ad on the collarme.com.....perhaps you could help me with the wording etc... I am not very good at making profiles!

My profile

Hope you don't mind?

With thanks

Caz

 

[sexycaz22]

<bump for some advice>

Caz

 

[satindesire]

the whole capitalizing Dom's pronouns isn't necessary and some people actually find it annoying, so keep that in mind.

Also, you might want to make that disclaimer the first and last thing they read on your profile, it might help weed out potential HNGs.

Good luck!

Also, here's a link to mine on collarme

http://www.collarme.com/default.asp?q=satindesire&o=1&v=328816

 

[CutieMouse]

I consider personals ads to be a bit like resumes- the easier you make it for someone else to assess you, the less likely you are to end up wasting time on a "job interview" for a position you aren't interested in.

Alternatives to collarme are bondage.com and alt.com (I think...); even "vanilla" dating services (Yahoo, etc) can be used with a bit of creative writing (for example, were I to use Yahoo, I'd keep the Pygmalion reference in my current ad, but tone down a lot of the rest).

 

[RawHumor]

Pick a dom like you'd pick any other lover.

If someone is only interested in sex (or football or politics or any singular topic), then you'll likely get bored pretty quickly.

A good couple of any type should have several interests in common, and should pique severy aspects of each other's personality.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I have profiles on ALT (Evil_Geoff) and collarme (EvilGeoff) and mingledhearts.com (Evil_Geoff). I think I had one on bondage at one point but I haven't been to bondage.com in so long it's not funny.

Good hunting!