I have a Question

[CatEyes]

Lets say you met someone online (Dom) and you talked to this person for 3 weeks or so. You were very much drawn to each other but you were married and he was single and he told you you had to make a choice.

Your choice is to remain where you are due to your situation and other considerations.

You both decide to try to remain friends.

You tell him that you've decided to introduce the topic of BDSM to your spouse and see where things lead. He tells you to do it in such a way that you know it will sabatoge any chances of it working out.

After a few days of it eating at you you contact him and tell him, nicely, that you know he wants it to turn out badly and you understand where he's coming from but you can't help felling some resentment. In his response you detect pain as well as some anger and you feel as if you didn't explain things right because he feels that you resent him.

Was it wrong to feel resentment?

Was it wrong to tell him about it?

Should you try to explain again why you felt the way you did so he understands it's not him you resent but his advice? Or for a Dom is resenting your advice the same as someone resenting you?

Should you just leave it alone, even if losing the friendship and him will hurt, but knowing that maintaining the friendship is hard on him and might be holding him back from moving on? Because you want him to be happy and the last thing you want to do is cause him any pain.


CatEyes

 

[Sandia]

Cat, you're the only one who can make these decisions (you know that, right?), but my advice, for what it's worth, is: leave it alone.

He doesn't want to share you, and you're asking too much of him. He can't be your mentor and frustrated lover simultaneously.

 

[~Dream~]

You have to do..

what is RIGHT for YOU not HIM(THE dOM) OR yOUR HUBBY.,,IF yOU ARE NOT TAKING care of Your Needs (as only you know them to be)if You are Not happy ,noone else will be either hun..JMHO..

 

["angel" eve]

cateyes, i'd stay away from your friend online. it seems this will only cause problems with your marriage. your life, and unless you are positively sure in your heart that this person online can make your life better in the longterm than the partner you have chosen to marry, let it drop. this person online has caused you a lot of pain already, that isn't a way to start a healthy trusting relationship. also, because you chose your spouse, when you chose before, that is a very strong indication you do not want this online person in your life. it might have been a friendship, but at this point it seems to be a problem. i'm sorry to say this.

good luck, and please remember that it is your own good judgement that tells you who to trust and who to listen to, no one can make that decision for you.

 

[Hot4Heels]

Discusing your desires (not in the way this wannabe sujested) would be a good idea. Who knows perhaps the desire was there on your S.O.'s part but he was afraid to ask.

Dom/me, sub, or switch YOU have to look out for YOUR best interest. Giving someone that kind of control in a mere 3 weeks is a big mistake in my humble opinion. It sounds if they just want to step in to wreck your marriage so they can have you or they can step back to be a sadistic mental tease (so easy to be on the net).

Remeber even as as a sub it is YOUR life and YOU make the decisions. Even if you decide to hand over the decisions to some one else YOU made the decision to do so. Not because you were sub and they were Dominant but because YOU chose to.

 

[redelicious]

Hi Cateyes-

I am also married and this has come up. IMHO, a true Dom would respect your choice and not attempt to interfer in your marriage. In my way of thinking, a solid BDSM relationship (or any relationship really) is based on trust and respect. To me, it seems your friend abused both.

I hope I am not out of line by posting this and I wish you luck in introducing your husband to this world.





edited to add that my experiences have all ended on a positive note.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Was it wrong to feel resentment?

Was it wrong to tell him about it?

Should you try to explain again why you felt the way you did so he understands it's not him you resent but his advice? Or for a Dom is resenting your advice the same as someone resenting you?

Should you just leave it alone, even if losing the friendship and him will hurt, but knowing that maintaining the friendship is hard on him and might be holding him back from moving on? Because you want him to be happy and the last thing you want to do is cause him any pain.


CatEyes

Since you asked this in the how would someone other than you handle this that is how I'm basing my answer. The following is how I would (and did) handle a situation like this.

Total honesty is the only way I could handle a situation like this. My experiences with BDSM started in the cyber world. I met a man thru a popular messenger, we talked for a while, we cybered some......and then the tone of it changed to him wanting to control me. I submitted to him online, in roleplay, as we both had agreed it would stay. However, it opened my mind up to the thoughts of wanting those feelings in the real world. I wanted that type of feeling with my husband.

I talked to this online "Dom", he encouraged me to talk to hubby. Even told me to be honest and tell him everything. So I did. I think at first hubby was in shock, it took him time to think about what I was telling him. However, this also opened our communication lines, that had honestly not been all that great before.

Now, you ask what happened to the online "Dom". Well I tried for a very short while to have both, but this upset hubby, understandably, since we had decided to give this lifestyle a fair trial. So I told the online guy I couldn't play with him that way anymore....and was greeted with attitude. Not totally ugly, but the kind sort of like what you described....hurt, pain, tried to make me feel guilty....didn't work....I broke off all communication with the wanna be and haven't looked back.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for, but this is how it happened for ME. I've not shared this before here, but I thought that maybe seeing that you weren't alone in these feelings, that others had been there and made it thru would help. If you ever need an ear, please feel free to PM me. I'm a good listener, and will only tell you what works for me, then you decide what works for you.


dixi

ps sorry for the long post....hope I didn't ramble too much. If clarification is needed please ask me....lol

 

[spankableBelle]

i am also married...i have brought up D/s to my hubby...many times, in many different ways...i have asked him to read here with me...ask questions, etc...and well, all have received negative responses and an offer to call and set up counseling for ME and my need to be abused...soooooo...

don't let anyone tell you who you are or what you have to do or make a choice you're not ready to make...you decide who you are, who you want to be, and move forward, whatever that forward move means to you...~smile~

belle

 

[Ebonyfire]

Hot4heels you said what I wanted to say. In my experience, anyone who gives ultimatums, especially at the beginning of a relationship, are trying to use guilt as a manipulative tool to control the outcome of a situation that may be going against their own designs or wishes.

Eb<just my opinion>

Discusing your desires (not in the way this wannabe sujested) would be a good idea. Who knows perhaps the desire was there on your S.O.'s part but he was afraid to ask.

Dom/me, sub, or switch YOU have to look out for YOUR best interest. Giving someone that kind of control in a mere 3 weeks is a big mistake in my humble opinion. It sounds if they just want to step in to wreck your marriage so they can have you or they can step back to be a sadistic mental tease (so easy to be on the net).

Remeber even as as a sub it is YOUR life and YOU make the decisions. Even if you decide to hand over the decisions to some one else YOU made the decision to do so. Not because you were sub and they were Dominant but because YOU chose to.

 

[CatEyes]

Cat, you're the only one who can make these decisions (you know that, right?), but my advice, for what it's worth, is: leave it alone.

He doesn't want to share you, and you're asking too much of him. He can't be your mentor and frustrated lover simultaneously.

Sandia, I know I'm the only one that can make the decisions. It just helps to have people to sound things off of. Plus I wanted to know if I did anything wrong by telling him that I resented what he said. I don't know any Dom's and I wanted to make sure I didn't cross any lines by doing that.

You're advice is very much appreciated and I know that your right. He can't be objective about it and I guess keeping the communications going is something that he finds hard to do now. Which I completely understand.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Re: You have to do..

what is RIGHT for YOU not HIM(THE dOM) OR yOUR HUBBY.,,IF yOU ARE NOT TAKING care of Your Needs (as only you know them to be)if You are Not happy ,noone else will be either hun..JMHO..

Dream, the problem is I don't know what's right for me. But I think whichever way I had gone I still would have had some regrets. So I took the safer path, the easier path, the more comfortable path and I know that was the right choice at the time.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

cateyes, i'd stay away from your friend online. it seems this will only cause problems with your marriage. your life, and unless you are positively sure in your heart that this person online can make your life better in the longterm than the partner you have chosen to marry, let it drop. this person online has caused you a lot of pain already, that isn't a way to start a healthy trusting relationship. also, because you chose your spouse, when you chose before, that is a very strong indication you do not want this online person in your life. it might have been a friendship, but at this point it seems to be a problem. i'm sorry to say this.

"Angel" Eve, no reason to be sorry. You made a lot of good points.

Thanks

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Dom/me, sub, or switch YOU have to look out for YOUR best interest. Giving someone that kind of control in a mere 3 weeks is a big mistake in my humble opinion. It sounds if they just want to step in to wreck your marriage so they can have you or they can step back to be a sadistic mental tease (so easy to be on the net).

Hot4Heels, asking that question after 3 weeks was a little much but I do understand why he did it, to protect himself. For my best interest I gave the only answer I could.



CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Hi Cateyes-

I am also married and this has come up. IMHO, a true Dom would respect your choice and not attempt to interfer in your marriage. In my way of thinking, a solid BDSM relationship (or any relationship really) is based on trust and respect. To me, it seems your friend abused both.

I hope I am not out of line by posting this and I wish you luck in introducing your husband to this world.

redelicious, you're not out of line at all. I put a question up and I have to accept any responses that come my way, whether I like them or not. I'm not saying that I don't like your response either, because there's nothing wrong with what you said.

I guess I don't get the Dom persona though. Are Dom's suppose to be more than other humans? I know if I'm jealous or hurt it clouds my judgment and I may say or do things that aren't right, that I may regret later. Don't most people do that?

I always try to see the other side of things, put myself in the other persons place. I have no bad feelings towards him whatsoever because I can see why he's doing what he's doing and even though I might not like it, I do understand.


CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Dixi, I'm not going to quote you because it would be wayyy too long. ;-)

You didn't ramble at all. Thank you for sharing that.

I don't know why I feel I should be handling this different than with anyone else, just because he's a Dom. Heck I even had a stalker online once and I handled him just fine. I guess it's mostly because I opened myself up to him and he to me and I feel that I owe him a little more. I guess it's mostly because I feel responsible for his hurt and because I do care about him.

In the end though the only thing I could do is let it go so he can do the same.

Isn't there a song that says something about having to be cruel to be kind?

CatEyes

 

[redelicious]

redelicious, you're not out of line at all. I put a question up and I have to accept any responses that come my way, whether I like them or not. I'm not saying that I don't like your response either, because there's nothing wrong with what you said.

I guess I don't get the Dom persona though. Are Dom's suppose to be more than other humans? I know if I'm jealous or hurt it clouds my judgment and I may say or do things that aren't right, that I may regret later. Don't most people do that?

I always try to see the other side of things, put myself in the other persons place. I have no bad feelings towards him whatsoever because I can see why he's doing what he's doing and even though I might not like it, I do understand.


CatEyes

Again IMHO, a good Dom should be able to step away when he sees that a situation or his part in it is not good for the sub - at least that is what I have learned of late. I guess in a perfect world all people should have the strength and maturity to do that.

I guess I think Dom's should be above the kind of behavior you described. But yes, they are allowed to be human with human failings . . .

Isn't that nice of me to say????

 

[CatEyes]

i am also married...i have brought up D/s to my hubby...many times, in many different ways...i have asked him to read here with me...ask questions, etc...and well, all have received negative responses and an offer to call and set up counseling for ME and my need to be abused...soooooo...

don't let anyone tell you who you are or what you have to do or make a choice you're not ready to make...you decide who you are, who you want to be, and move forward, whatever that forward move means to you...~smile~

belle

I can be quite stubborn so I know no one's going to force me to do something I don't want to do. I also think things through so much sometimes I give myself a headache, so hasty decisions aren't a problem either.

belle, I hope you don't mind my asking but I'm curious? Does he think light bondage and stuff like that is also a need to be abused? A lot of people do that even non BDSM people. I would think that would be a good starting point.

I hope you find whatever it is that you need.

CatEyes

 

[CatEyes]

Again IMHO, a good Dom should be able to step away when he sees that a situation or his part in it is not good for the sub - at least that is what I have learned of late. I guess in a perfect world all people should have the strength and maturity to do that.

I guess I think Dom's should be above the kind of behavior you described. But yes, they are allowed to be human with human failings . . .

Isn't that nice of me to say????

redelicious, I've read that myself at some websites I've been to. I just don't understand how someone could be that in control of their feelings. If it is true I'd love to know how they do that.

LOL, I'm sure the Dom's will appreciate you being so nice and saying that.

CatEyes

 

[Daddyslilpet]

CatEyes,

Don't blame ya for not quoting that post...LOL. I can be verbose at times...LOL

I agree with you...why should you handle this any differently than you would any situation. Yes I understand how you feel, you sound so much like me...I too didn't want to hurt his feelings, but in the long run I had to decide that my happiness mattered more than my desire not to hurt him. I know that sounds mean, and its not meant to be that way. Just something I had to decide for myself. Just as you have to decide for yourself how to handle these things. And I think you are doing just fine from what I'm reading.

Sometimes we all need a sounding board to help us see what we already know we should do. Or better yet to affirm in our own minds that what we already know to be the right thing to do.

Oops there I go again....lol...promise that's the last time....ok probably not, but I'll be good now.


dixi

 

[artful]

CatEyes

Isn't there a song that says something about having to be cruel to be kind?
CatEyes

Truth is sometimes painful to handle, and that's why some people slip into small deceptions. It appears to protect one from undue pain.

What it actually does though, is to drain off our energy in subtle ways. Making us weaker and weaker, until we FACE the truth head-on.

Sometimes, people go through their entire life, avoiding the truth,...looking away from it. That's the main reason couples stay in abusive relationships. They won't face the truth,...in fact,...they DENY the truth.

It's not just physical abuse either, and it's not ALWAYS the women who suffer. I know a number of men who suffer emotional abuse from their wives, girlfriends, etc.

The *truth*, is the ONE thing, no one can change. If I looked at a wall and declared it was painted pink,...someone else may look at the same wall and say it was purple. Someone else may see it as green,...but if the wall is red,...that is the *truth*.

Now one has to ask the question,..."Well Art, just what color IS the wall?" I would honestly tell ya it is *pink*, (even if it WAS red). Why? Because THAT is my TRUTH. It just depends on how you see things.

 

[Shadowsdream]

CatEyes

Yes Dom/mes should behave with a higher standard of self control than you might expect from other relationships. A Dominant worth their weight and your respect would go the extra mile to HELP you save your relationship with your husband if you expressed that desire. That Dominant would~NOT~be devastated~rejected~in pain~angry~ and hurtful to you.

What you have described is a man out of control, a spoilt man, a man that has the potential to be abusive. A chameleon that sucks you in slowly until you are emotionally hooked to some degree. Then when you step aside he pouts, stomps his foot and raises his voice.

you did the right thing by confronting him and will do the safest thing for your own growth by moving past him without a second thought. He wastes your emotions with every second of space you give his memory. He weakens the realities of real Dominants in your mind slowly and insiduously as you will compare all you meet to his idiocy.

your own common sense recognized that something wasn't right. you called him on it and found out you were correct. you owe nothing to this three week relationship no matter how enjoyable or intense it was. you do owe yourself your pride.

you know your husband better than anyone. If you feel even the slightest desire to have him be your Master then you should consider finding the best way for your particular relationship to allow him a glimpse of your needs. Never rush into this new world with your eyes half closed. It is the journey not the destination that will give you the ultimate joy.

In My opinionated opinion

 

[artful]

Shadows

In My opinionated opinion

Damn I love those,..."Onionated Onions", and I am copying the recipe for them even as you read this.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Re: Shadows

Damn I love those,..."Onionated Onions", and I am copying the recipe for them even as you read this.

LOL...Art that was funny, thanks.

Shadows, I loved your post too. As always very well stated.


dixi

 

[spankableBelle]

I can be quite stubborn so I know no one's going to force me to do something I don't want to do. I also think things through so much sometimes I give myself a headache, so hasty decisions aren't a problem either.

belle, I hope you don't mind my asking but I'm curious? Does he think light bondage and stuff like that is also a need to be abused? A lot of people do that even non BDSM people. I would think that would be a good starting point.

I hope you find whatever it is that you need.

CatEyes

i don't mind you asking anything at all...feel free...and to answer your question...yes, he does...very very very closed minded...(sigh)...you name it, i've tried it...i've grown and changed and well, it in a completely different direction than his...(shrugs)...we're good at being friends and shitty at being lovers...can't be good at that with the only communication being 'this is what i need' and 'not in this lifetime'

And thank you ~smile~ i am working on finding it...(fingers crossed and a wish sent to the stars...)

belle

 

[Shadowsdream]

Thank you Art and dixie