I fucked up big time..

[freakygirl]

*edited for personal reasons*

 

[lilfrk]

Nope don't tell. What good would it do? None. It would just hurt A and make him angry. It's your mistake, your guilt. You need to keep it and deal with it. There is no need to say OMG I Kissed D and now I can't deal with it so here...You take it and feel horrible so I can feel better.

 

[BustyTheClown]

I felt (and still do feel) guilty. I kissed him when I knew it was wrong.. I liked it, i'll admit that. But I know in my heart and my soul that it was wrong. I deleted him off my instant messengers and emailed him telling him not to email me again, or I'd be forced to change my email addy or worse.. tell A about the whole thing and let him deal with it (A and D have never gotten along even before I was in the picture).

I also set it up that we are never alone again.. when I drop off my daughter for visitation A will be with me.. When D brings her home.. someone will be here.

Now, I guess my question is.. Do I tell A about the "kiss"? It lasted about 30 or so seconds before I pushed away..

This is a tough situation, freaky, but I've been in a similar one, and all I can tell you is that you have to tell A about the kiss. I made the same mistake and kissed a guy when I was drunk at a party over Christmas break, and even though I could have not told my SO, that was not an option. You don't have to tell A that you enjoyed the kiss -- in fact, it's probably better not to tell him that -- but let him know that it happened. Honesty is key in a relationship, and if A truly loves you, he will be able to forgive you. Don't expect it immediately, as I'm sure you don't, but let him know how sorry you are, tell him how much you love him, and really get it across to him that you didn't want it to happen then and you don't want it to happen again. Tell him about e-mailing D and breaking off all communication with him. Above all, tell him how sorry you are and how much you love him.

I hope you guys work this out ok. It's tough, but love is an amazing thing and sees people through a lot of sticky situations. Best of luck to you.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[BustyTheClown]

Nope don't tell. What good would it do? None. It would just hurt A and make him angry. It's your mistake, your guilt. You need to keep it and deal with it. There is no need to say OMG I Kissed D and now I can't deal with it so here...You take it and feel horrible so I can feel better.

True it will hurt A and make him angry, but think of how much more hurt and angry he would be if she didn't tell him and he somehow found out later. Chances may be that he wouldn't find out, but I'd hate to be staring him in the face if he did. The consequences could be far more devastating if she wasn't up front with him right away. It's a hard thing to do, but if she didn't mean it or want it, then she shouldn't have any trouble apologizing.

 

[Northern Lights]

My advice is not to tell A about the kiss. You've done what is necessary to get past it and telling A would do nothing to further the cause. BTW, I'm sure Dr Laura would tell you the same thing as she always does on things like this.....of course she'd grill you about the kiss for 5 minutes.

 

[freakygirl]

*edited for personal reasons*

 

[freakygirl]

Re: Re: I fucked up big time..

*edited for personal reasons*

 

[*bratcat*]

Re: Re: Re: I fucked up big time..

 

[lickerish]

I would feel more betrayed if you hid it from me.. and I found out later, by you or someone else. Ya know?

I say tell now. He kissed you, you didn't kiss him.

I'm sorry you have to go through this freaky, my heart hurts for you.

 

[freakygirl]

Re: Re: Re: Re: I fucked up big time..

That is exactly why you don't say anything.

Ok, since you solved that part.. can you tell me how to stop feeling guilty?

 

[ksmybuttons]

Would D never say anything to A about it? Can you count on it?

 

[erosman]

To tell or not to tell?

As a guy, I would appreciate knowing. But....I would add, you could spare me the details. I mean, you dont have to tell him/me that it lasted for 30 seconds, and where his hands went, and what you were thinking. Hey, he knows that you loved him and had children by him. I don't think that you have to play it up to bigger than it is. You kissed him in a weak moment, but you realize now that it opened a door that you don't intend on going through. You're upfront about the whys and wherefores, just don't expound on the details.


my $.02

 

[*bratcat*]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I fucked up big time..

 

[lickerish]

*ahem* not trying to make things worse, but...

would you want him to kiss someone else and not tell you?

 

[freakygirl]

Kissmybuttons-A is likely to kill D if he finds out. His temper towards him is unexplainable. No D will never tell A.. because D knows that A holds alot of anger towards him.

Erosman-thank you for your 2 cents.. lots of opinions is what I'm looking for..

lickerish-actually.. If the circumstances were reversed, yes I would prefer not to know.

 

[lickerish]

You are a much stronger woman that I then.. I couldn't handle that.

 

[ksmybuttons]

As long as it is only between you and D and no one else was present, (including daughter,)and in thinking I have all the information, I think you have handled it. Over and done with. Be like the military: Don't tell, don't ask.

 

[freakygirl]

You are a much stronger woman that I then.. I couldn't handle that.

No Licky, not stronger. Older.. my strength has nothing to do with it. My ex husband had several affairs when i was married to him. I pushed until he told me about the first couple.. I ignored the last one. I went on with my life, with the thought that I would much rather not know the truth (i had suspected an affair, only after leaving him did I find out he was having one).. only because the pain of knowing is so hard.

*just for the record....I will NEVER cheat on A.. I do love him. I would leave him long before starting anything with anyone else.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I fucked up big time..

Ok, since you solved that part.. can you tell me how to stop feeling guilty?

Well, it doesn't seem like anyone's quite solved for you whether or not you should tell him, but I think it would be far easier for you to stop feeling guilty if you told A about it. If he overreacts, there are probably things you can do to protect D if you really are afraid A would go too far. But I have to say, if I hadn't told my SO about kissing the other guy, I'd still have it gnawing on my conscience today. It comes back to bug me once in a while, but it's nothing like it would be if I just kept it to myself.

Regarding A's temper... Have you ever known him to react violently towards D? You say they fight, but I assumed they were just verbal fights. Maybe that was a stupid assumption, but they're grown ment... Anyway, if A has never taken any violent actions towards D so far, I don't think I'd worry all that much about him doing it now. If you are really worried about it, maybe you could tell him when there is no way that he'd have any access to D -- like if D is out of town or something. A just needs time to cool down afterwards. I'm sure it will piss him off if he harbors negative feelings towards D, but it seems to me that the issue is largely where your loyalties lie. Nothing is cut and dry, but it feels like you are more worried about D being hurt physically than A being hurt emotionally. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass, but I'm just going off of what you've said on this thread. I'm sorry if I'm not helping at all or if I'm coming to the wrong conclusion. I just can't imagine not telling my SO about kissing another guy, especially in your circumstances -- you didn't initiate it, but you can maybe tell A not to place all the blame on D. Tell him you accept responsibility, as well.

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't just say and I'll shut up.

 

[freakygirl]

As long as it is only between you and D and no one else was present, (including daughter,)and in thinking I have all the information, I think you have handled it. Over and done with. Be like the military: Don't tell, don't ask.

No one else was around.. it was dark.. and it wasn't in the same town in which I live..

 

[Summery]

FG, I say if there's a way to spare someone unnecessary hurt, then do it.
But, yes there's a but. The truth 'usually' finds a way to the forefront.
If you can live with the guilt/frustration or whatever you are feeling about this situation, and you honestly think there's no way possible for the him to find out, then keep it to yourself.
I just know, I couldn't do it.
Good luck.

 

[BustyTheClown]

Be like the military: Don't tell, don't ask.

This probably isn't important, but it's "Don't ask, don't tell" -- there seems to be a slight difference between the two. Sorry if I'm splitting hairs here.

 

[Sir Alex 4 U]

I didn't see the kiss coming.. I didn't want this to happen.

I'm still trying to figure out if telling A will hurt more than keeping it to myself. I know my part was wrong.. the starting to kiss back and the actual enjoyment of it. But I did push away.. and I have cut all ties..


I'm not worried about A leaving or anything.. I am worried about what he will do. His temper doesn't help (not towards me, but towards D). They have fought many times.. with D always ending up the one that doesn't "win" (I guess there is a winner in the fights, I find them childish myself).

I can't believe I let myself get into this situation.

Just an observation, and take it for what it's worth, but real men only fight when absolutely necessary! You might want to reexamine A as well as D! Sounds like they both need a little maturing!

Just my 2 cents.

 

[freakygirl]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: I fucked up big time..

Well, it doesn't seem like anyone's quite solved for you whether or not you should tell him, but I think it would be far easier for you to stop feeling guilty if you told A about it. If he overreacts, there are probably things you can do to protect D if you really are afraid A would go too far. But I have to say, if I hadn't told my SO about kissing the other guy, I'd still have it gnawing on my conscience today. It comes back to bug me once in a while, but it's nothing like it would be if I just kept it to myself.

Regarding A's temper... Have you ever known him to react violently towards D? You say they fight, but I assumed they were just verbal fights. Maybe that was a stupid assumption, but they're grown ment... Anyway, if A has never taken any violent actions towards D so far, I don't think I'd worry all that much about him doing it now. If you are really worried about it, maybe you could tell him when there is no way that he'd have any access to D -- like if D is out of town or something. A just needs time to cool down afterwards. I'm sure it will piss him off if he harbors negative feelings towards D, but it seems to me that the issue is largely where your loyalties lie. Nothing is cut and dry, but it feels like you are more worried about D being hurt physically than A being hurt emotionally. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass, but I'm just going off of what you've said on this thread. I'm sorry if I'm not helping at all or if I'm coming to the wrong conclusion. I just can't imagine not telling my SO about kissing another guy, especially in your circumstances -- you didn't initiate it, but you can maybe tell A not to place all the blame on D. Tell him you accept responsibility, as well.

I hope this helps, but if it doesn't just say and I'll shut up.

First off.. A is much larger than D.. they are step brothers (puts a whole new spin on things, doesn't it?) They grew up together and have hated each other since they were 11 and 9..

A has PTSD.. not an excuse.. but he does not control his anger well.. He has never, in our time together, hit me or even acted like he wanted to... but just after him and I got together D started some shit.. and yes, A sent him to the hospital with a fractured nose...

I'm not afraid of D getting hurt.. right now, I honestly couldn't care less.. I'm pissed off at him.. yes, i love him. He is the father of my child.. but what he did last night was stupid. I'm more afraid of hurting A.. I didn't mean to do that.. I didn't kiss back on purpose.