I dont know what to do?
- Thread starter shelleb4
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Vixandra
Everything well in hand!
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Kick his ass to the curb.
Forget subbing for him, the man doesn't even sound worthy of getting anything period.
Yes, you fucked up, but he choose to stay with you- not vice versa. Remind him of this next time he starts railing at you.
If he doesn't meet his dead line, serve him with divorce paperwork. And kick him out.
He does not sound like a healthy influence on you or your children.
And what kind of man sits back and doesn't try to support his children? Honestly- that's pathetic!
Forget subbing for him, the man doesn't even sound worthy of getting anything period.
Yes, you fucked up, but he choose to stay with you- not vice versa. Remind him of this next time he starts railing at you.
If he doesn't meet his dead line, serve him with divorce paperwork. And kick him out.
He does not sound like a healthy influence on you or your children.
And what kind of man sits back and doesn't try to support his children? Honestly- that's pathetic!
Although I probably would have worded it differently, I agree with vixandra. This guy is definitely dragging down your life with his, and now he's starting with the kids, too. It sounds like he is incapable of truly loving someone else.
I'd suggest either throwing him out, or having the police do so if he won't go. One restraining order after a temper tantrum will be enough to do it. If not for yourself, then for your kids.
If he straightens up his life, meaning he is working, taking care of his family, and hopefully getting some sort of treatment for his emotional and chemical problems, then you might consider changing your mind. Not until then, though.
Hope tings get better.
Kat
I'd suggest either throwing him out, or having the police do so if he won't go. One restraining order after a temper tantrum will be enough to do it. If not for yourself, then for your kids.
If he straightens up his life, meaning he is working, taking care of his family, and hopefully getting some sort of treatment for his emotional and chemical problems, then you might consider changing your mind. Not until then, though.
Hope tings get better.
Kat
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He wanted you to stay with him when you had the affair. After 4 years it's either time to forgive and forget (FORGET) or move on. Forgetting is the main word in that for the simple reason that if he doesn't forget he'll have it on his mind, and then bring it up as he seems to be doing.
He has to be willing to forget.
He needs to get a job, any job. Get him into a temp agency. After I got laid off, and the first month or 2 of pure bliss not having to get up and go to work, I got bored. Then bordom turned to fear, fear turned to self loathing, self loathing turned into a depression of sorts.
I am working now, at about half what I once made, but at least I'm working. I know I'm better than the job I have, some of my bosses have seen my real resume and know that I don't belong there, but at least I'm working. I feel better about myself, and therefor am able to feel better about others.
You didn't really say how old your children are. No matter how old they are, it isn't good for them to hear him degrading you. It WILL affect them later in thier opinions and treatment of women. If they are girls, it will affect how they behave in relationships and in the men they end up with.
Many women from my readings are often not willing to do things to protect themselves from someone who is not good for them. They want to improve the man, or fix what is wrong. I've also found that sometimes those women are willing to do things if it affects their children.
Please, keep to your word and if he is not working by your deadline have the paperword ready. He's already gotten you to push it back once. If he can do that again it's yet another example for him that he can walk all over you and get away with it.
As for the drinking. If there is anger and destructive actions against objects, it is only a matter of time before that is aimed at people. It might not be you, or your children at first. It might be a bar fight, a stranger in the streets, or a friend of his at home. But it'll esculate.
He has to be willing to forget.
He needs to get a job, any job. Get him into a temp agency. After I got laid off, and the first month or 2 of pure bliss not having to get up and go to work, I got bored. Then bordom turned to fear, fear turned to self loathing, self loathing turned into a depression of sorts.
I am working now, at about half what I once made, but at least I'm working. I know I'm better than the job I have, some of my bosses have seen my real resume and know that I don't belong there, but at least I'm working. I feel better about myself, and therefor am able to feel better about others.
You didn't really say how old your children are. No matter how old they are, it isn't good for them to hear him degrading you. It WILL affect them later in thier opinions and treatment of women. If they are girls, it will affect how they behave in relationships and in the men they end up with.
Many women from my readings are often not willing to do things to protect themselves from someone who is not good for them. They want to improve the man, or fix what is wrong. I've also found that sometimes those women are willing to do things if it affects their children.
Please, keep to your word and if he is not working by your deadline have the paperword ready. He's already gotten you to push it back once. If he can do that again it's yet another example for him that he can walk all over you and get away with it.
As for the drinking. If there is anger and destructive actions against objects, it is only a matter of time before that is aimed at people. It might not be you, or your children at first. It might be a bar fight, a stranger in the streets, or a friend of his at home. But it'll esculate.
catalina_francisco
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Have to agree with the others here......you are dealing with someone who thrives on playing the victim, and making you the whipping post for anything and everything that goes wrong. As you said, he wanted you to stay when he found out about the affair...likely because he couldn't imagine how he could survive without you to carry him...but nevertheless, he woiuld not let you go so it is time he got over it and moved on. Trouble is the victim role has always worked well for him, provided him with everything he wanted, and released him from ever facing his own inner demons and conquering them.
It is highly unlikely he is going to change permanently..as you said, he tried for a couple of weeks to get a job then when he felt you were in his pocket again, he sat back on his heels and let you carry the load alone and punished you for being strong enough to do it. He will always resent that part of you which reminds him of his own weakness, and you will likely never be able to trust him or see him as having strength and honour again. It is difficult, but sounds as if you and the children have had enough. In Oz there are usually free community centre type counselling services available in major cities which can help you get through the transition, point you in the direction of services which can help you, and highlight with you what is the right choice for you.
Catalina
It is highly unlikely he is going to change permanently..as you said, he tried for a couple of weeks to get a job then when he felt you were in his pocket again, he sat back on his heels and let you carry the load alone and punished you for being strong enough to do it. He will always resent that part of you which reminds him of his own weakness, and you will likely never be able to trust him or see him as having strength and honour again. It is difficult, but sounds as if you and the children have had enough. In Oz there are usually free community centre type counselling services available in major cities which can help you get through the transition, point you in the direction of services which can help you, and highlight with you what is the right choice for you.
Catalina
Vixandra
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If my wording was a bit harsh, I do appologise.
I tend to get quite miffed in situations where someone's hurting not only their s/o but thier kids as well.
Its not healthy for anyone involved, including him.
Counsling sounds like a good idea.
I tend to get quite miffed in situations where someone's hurting not only their s/o but thier kids as well.
Its not healthy for anyone involved, including him.
Counsling sounds like a good idea.
Vixandra
Everything well in hand!
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No offense was taken, Ms Kat. I know I can come off a bit brashly sometimes and didn't want to offend others by it. Sometimes being reminded that hashness is not the only answer is a needed thing, especially in such emotional issues.
