i can't write for shit

[Andraste]

but i'm posting it anyway.

Sleeping beauty

Poor baby, you’ve over-indulged. Curled up in the passenger seat, your words escaping in slurred mumbles. You’re not used to drinking, are you?

Pulling into the drive, I try to rouse you but you barely respond. Lifting you in my arms, you look so vulnerable, so sweet, so peaceful as I carry you inside and lay you gently on the bed.

I’ve watched you do this…I take the wipes from your dresser, gently removing your makeup. Beneath it you look so young, so real. I can’t resist stealing a kiss from your unresponsive lips, running my tongue between them.

Undressing you now… rolling you, lifting you, manipulating passive limbs, exposing you in the soft half-light. Drinking you in with my eyes, wanting you.

And then, sudden urge… I want to examine, probe, learn every inch of your most private place. In this sweet state, no blushes, no covering hands, no modesty or shame.

I spread you, part, stroke, probe, taste. Even in your unconscious state you start to seep that sweet nectar, your pussy twitching at each touch to your clit, a sheen of perspiration forms on your skin and you glow.

…should I?

My need, my desire, your open body… so receptive, so responsive.

To gently make love to you, worship you, use you and sate my hunger…

Will I fill your dreams as I fill your body?

More gentle than I knew myself capable of and as silent as the night about us. I love you more this moment than ever before, with all your defences removed, all barriers gone, there is only the one remaining truth.

You’re mine.

 

[Masterofsmiles]

Don't worry about what others think

Write because it fills a need inside you.

Most of the Editors here on Literotica are sexually frustrated people who wouldn't know a good story if it bit them on the hand.

They would probably tell Stephen King his stories were slow and boring.

 

[Masterofsmiles]

As usual some editors have...

such class.

Once again Starrkers has shown how crass some of the editors can be here

". I was wanting to get past the crap and into the story."

There are others words that can be used. Drivel is one that comes to mind

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Anraste, welcome. despite your number or posts, I haven't seen you round here before. Hope you'll hang around.

BTW you're wrong. You can write. This is a lovely little 'stream of consciousness' piece that I enjoyed. The only major fault I would mention is your use of ellipses - those little three dots. An ellipsis is a trailing off, an uncompleted piece of story, but never a pause or a change of thought.

If you want to publish on Lit, first, your story must be longer - Lit only accepts stories of at least 750 words and yours is only 270 words.

Second, use of the second person rarely works in written fiction. Half the readership are the wrong sex and the other half struggle to relate. Even if you write in first person to give inner thoughts and emotion (which you do well), you should keep the object of your passion in third person so we see things clearly through your eyes.

"I laid Jane down on the bed." We are in your head and following your every move.

masterof smiles seems to have a chip on his shoulder. Volunteer editors here are actually supportive. Most are writers themselves and actually want others to do well. The reason this site works is the degree of help that is on offer.

You are too good not to get on the main story board and you have the skeleton of a good story. Try and expand a bit, add some thoughts from 'I', get the girl to be aware a bit (otherwise you run close to rape) - and then submit and promote here when it's posted.

If I can give any help, PM me.

Please, finish this story and post it. Truly, you don't write like shit.

Regards,

Elle

 

[Andraste]

thanks, that's sweet of you.

writing isn't my thing though. i much prefer paint {lacking in subtlety that way} so i won't be rewriting & finishing.

just had a spur of the moment impulse to put a thought down.
i'm satisfied now

 

[cloudy]

Anraste, welcome. despite your number or posts, I haven't seen you round here before. Hope you'll hang around.

BTW you're wrong. You can write. This is a lovely little 'stream of consciousness' piece that I enjoyed. The only major fault I would mention is your use of ellipses - those little three dots. An ellipsis is a trailing off, an uncompleted piece of story, but never a pause or a change of thought.

If you want to publish on Lit, first, your story must be longer - Lit only accepts stories of at least 750 words and yours is only 270 words.

Second, use of the second person rarely works in written fiction. Half the readership are the wrong sex and the other half struggle to relate. Even if you write in first person to give inner thoughts and emotion (which you do well), you should keep the object of your passion in third person so we see things clearly through your eyes.

"I laid Jane down on the bed." We are in your head and following your every move.

masterof smiles seems to have a chip on his shoulder. Volunteer editors here are actually supportive. Most are writers themselves and actually want others to do well. The reason this site works is the degree of help that is on offer.

You are too good not to get on the main story board and you have the skeleton of a good story. Try and expand a bit, add some thoughts from 'I', get the girl to be aware a bit (otherwise you run close to rape) - and then submit and promote here when it's posted.

If I can give any help, PM me.

Please, finish this story and post it. Truly, you don't write like shit.

Regards,

Elle

I agree with Elle. You write beautifully, although I'll echo what she said about changing from second person to first. One minor quibble: restrict the use of ellipses to an unfinished thought or statement in dialogue. It'd be relatively easy to do:

Poor baby, I thought. You’ve over-indulged. She was curled up in the passenger seat, her words escaping in slurred mumbles. She's not used to drinking.

I pulled into the drive, then tried to rouse her, but she barely responded. When I lifted her in my arms, she looked so vulnerable, so sweet, so peaceful while I carried her inside and laid her gently on the bed.

I’d watched her do this…I took the wipes from her dresser, and then gently removed her makeup. Beneath it she looked so young, so real. I couldn't resist stealing a kiss from her unresponsive lips, running my tongue between them.

I undressed her, rolled her, lifted her, manipulated her passive limbs, exposing her in the soft half-light. I drank her in with my eyes. I wanted her.

And then, a sudden urge. I wanted to examine, probe, learn every inch of her most private place in this sweet state, with no blushes, no covering hands, no modesty or shame.

I spread her, parted, stroked, probed, tasted. Even in her unconscious state she started to seep that sweet nectar, her pussy twitching at each touch to her clit, a sheen of perspiration formed on her skin and she glowed.

Should I?

My need, my desire, her open body so receptive, so responsive.

I wanted to gently make love to her, worship her, use her and sate my hunger.

Will I fill your dreams as I fill your body?

I was more gentle than I knew myself capable of, and as silent as the night about us. I loved her more this moment than ever before, with all her defenses removed, all barriers gone, there was only the one remaining truth.

You’re mine.

 

[starrkers]

such class.

Once again Starrkers has shown how crass some of the editors can be here

". I was wanting to get past the crap and into the story."

There are others words that can be used. Drivel is one that comes to mind

Ah, there's nothing like being quoted out of context.

 

[cloudy]

Ah, there's nothing like being quoted out of context.

I wouldn't let it worry you. Every single post he's made has been whining about "editors." Apparently, if you don't agree with something he says, you immediately become an editor.



he whined in the GB, and I corrected the myriad grammar/spelling errors he had in a red font. No wonder his stories keep getting corrected - he can't write three sentences without mangling the language.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ah, there's nothing like being quoted out of context.

Just walk past every Broadway theater. ' A really enjoyable evening' - Newark Clarion. The original review said, 'Don't go here if you want a really enjoyable evening.'

Roll with the punches.

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Just walk past every Broadway theater. ' A really enjoyable evening' - Newark Clarion. The original review said, 'Don't go here if you want a really enjoyable evening.'

Roll with the punches.

Elle

Stop being nice, Elle. Repeat after me : "FUCK THE HELL OFF, YOU MOUTHY MORON!!!"

 

[starrkers]

I wouldn't let it worry you. Every single post he's made has been whining about "editors." Apparently, if you don't agree with something he says, you immediately become an editor.



he whined in the GB, and I corrected the myriad grammar/spelling errors he had in a red font. No wonder his stories keep getting corrected - he can't write three sentences without mangling the language.

But he was born to write. It says so in his profile.
He also hasn't got the balls to put his name to his comments (which I might add are hilarious in their nastiness) on stories, but comes here to whine about those who do.