i can't find a girlfriend

[Hanon435]

I've been trying for years. no luck. I'm online but got little results. I don't know what to do in real life.

 

[Hypoxia]

Same advice I give elsewhere: Go social. What are your personal interests (besides a GF)? Join mixed-sex groups that pursue those interests, whether games/sports or arts/crafts or nature or books or political-religious-social activism or whatever. Take or teach classes, in person, where you actually interact with the physical presence of living humans. I've got laid SO much by being in classes.

* I'm online but got little results. * Well duh. I know exactly two people who found each other online. They started by contributing to a social-activist forum, then exchanged pictures of their genitals, then moved cross-country to be with each other, and have been together for 20 years now. I suspect they're exceptional.

In general, if you want to meet people, MEET REAL PEOPLE IN PERSON, not online. If you want to meet women, GO WHERE WOMEN ARE. And I don't mean meat-market bars/clubs, not unless you want a barfly GF. It's up to you.

 

[more_snow_plz]

Two choices:

1. Give up.

2. Keep looking.

I'm sure you'd prefer #2 over #1. Hang in there and get it done.

 

[SweetErika]

With all due respect and compassion, it seems like you make a thread about this topic at least yearly. We joined around the same time, and it doesn't seem like you've had much success in the romantic relationship arena since 2004. Is that about right, or have you been having good relationships between your posts on this subject?

I mention this because if what you've been doing for all these years hasn't been working, that likely means you've been doing the same thing(s) over and over while expecting different results. I know you've been given great advice on meeting matches in the past; have you actually followed that advice, or forgotten it?

At any rate, it'd help if you'd provide more info on what you've tried, what you think the issues are, whether you're meeting women or not, etc. You'll get much better advice if you narrow it down and help us help you.

 

[subwannabe]

You didn't give us much of anything to go on. I don't have time to read your 2,000 posts but I'm guessing there is a clue in there somewhere. Obviously what you are doing isn't working so you should probably do something different. Even though I am a believer in online meetings eventually working out I don't think you are going to get anywhere there either until you can learn to live in the real world first. Get off the damn computer and get out there in the real world. You may trip and fall a few times at first but, hey, babies do learn to walk - all on their own. In other words, you need to take baby steps - in the real world.

 

[Emerson40]

Hanon,

I clicked the link in your signature and gave the thread a quick skim. You seem like a nice guy and you have a sense of humor. Heck, you even had some ladies reply to the thread and comment that
a) you were funny / had a good sense of humor, and
b) they found this attractive.

Clearly, casting your line out from the safety of sitting in front of your computer and seeing what can be caught is not working. Sure, this kind of thing has worked for some in the past, but I suspect that those who found companionship or made that connection, did so by interacting and participating in other threads and posts, put themselves out there, and revealed who they were through their postings. And I'm not referring to a short blurb in a personal ad that gets bumped recurrently. Put yourself out there, show others who you are, add your two cents here and there, and let the ladies see a little bit about who you are and what you're like.

Online is great place to find info, flights at a great price, the latest viral video, and bad-ass peppermint bark popcorn recipes, all without much, if any, info about yourself revealed. A quality, "nice, cute lady" or girlfriend... yeah, not so much.

Would you jump at the first ad you came across that just said "Nice, pretty, 30 something white girl with great personality seeking like boyfriend"? Maybe don't answer that...
But you have to agree that there is nothing really there, nothing that tells you about this person, who she is and what she's like.

I'll echo the above posters and say get out there and meet some people. Step away from the computer, put on your shoes, and get social with some real life Homo sapiens.
Are you gonna get the girlfriend you are looking for on the first day? Absolutely not. But you may meet her. Or maybe you'll meet her weeks or months later. Who knows. I can tell you that when you find her, it'll have been worth the wait and effort. And through the process of getting to know her and she getting to know you, you may find yourself in a bona-fide, fine lady that laughs at the same things you laugh at, finds beauty in things you find beautiful, and cries during the same sappy commercials you cry during.

Seriously though, get out there, in the world. It's probably out of your comfort zone sure, but nothing worth having is easy to get one's mitts on.


http://25.media.tumblr.com/4815563f87d43e07448f885c9f6702c3/tumblr_myjwuwz9tk1t9jso6o1_500.jpg

 

[SweetErika]

Excellent advice so far!

I'd also suggest you present yourself in the best possible way online. That doesn't mean you should be anything but completely honest and forthright; it DOES mean you should put time and effort into making sure you communicate your thoughts clearly and completely by expanding on ideas, editing what you write, and not oversharing.

For instance, here's the text of your profile here, broken up, with my suggestions in dark red:

Biography:
single, nice guy, shy, playful sometimes, puppydogish maybe, innocent but tired of it sometimes, not very experienced but very eager to learn , still new to this,
Follow the rules of capitalization, spelling, grammar and punctuation. The errors make it harder to read and suggest you either rushed through writing it or don't care about how you present yourself/you don't take pride in your work.

What does "puppydogish" mean? To me, that means you have a tendency to be clingy and kind of annoying. The same goes for the "innocent but tired" and "new to this" (BTW, you're new to what, exactly? Not Lit, given your 2000 posts and join date!) comments. I'd leave these phrases out entirely because they cast you in a less-than-positive light and/or are way too ambiguous/open for interpretation. People who want to get to know you will do so and learn about your traits with more time and communication; a laundry list of common and ambiguous traits doesn't set you apart or make you seem more attractive.

Your overuse of "sometimes" makes you sound wishy-washy. If you don't know who you are and what you're seeking, you're not ready to meet a great lady. I suspect you're more self-aware than your many "sometimes" are portraying. Take 'em out.


likes snuggling and cuddling, in a state of wanting to feel good and help a lady feel good (i luv moans hehe ) i really want to meet a nice cute horny girl! *hits head on wall* wah! sigh privately and discreetly

Again, if you spark something up with a lady, she's going to learn these things about you in time via additional interactions. We know most guys here are horny and would like to meet other horny people. Most women know sexual sounds are a turn-on. Most people like cuddling in some form or another - no need to state the obvious. If you're not a leg-humper (like a gazillion guys here), don't present yourself as one.


Location:
USA, more on my page here || likes snuggling, nuzzeling, and mashing
Just give a location you're comfortable with, and definitely leave your intimate/sexual likes out of this field especially. I'd suggest a state (or part of one, like Upstate New York or Eastern Oregon) because people DO connect based on geographical proximity, but if you're not comfortable with that, you could give a region of the country (e.g. the Midwest).

Interests:
looking for a nice cute girl about my age, someone to talk to and maybe more? , any nice cute ladies out there? is it you? someone like myself i think shy, but wondering and maybe a little horny , a girl willing to put up with my inexperience

I'd strongly advise replacing all of this with your actual interests and hobbies. What are you passionate about and interested in doing when you're not online? If one of those things is, for example, connecting with new people and making new friends, say just that. Steer clear of talking about meeting women specifically and stating the obvious (of course you want someone you're attracted to who treats you well and is in touch with their sexuality). And IMHO, there's no place for telling people you're looking for someone to "put up with" anything in a profile or personal ad. You want to put your best foot forward, and you can discuss experience levels and nerves and such when you get to know a special lady much better.

Occupation:
female orgasm supervisor first one is free with pointers, complimentary advice for female friends female moan connoisseur
Oh lord. I'm sure you meant it in a playful way, but I'm thinking most of the "nice, cute" ladies you're seeking will click the Back button upon reading this. It's oversharing, too-much-too-soon and paints you as one of those very common semi-creepy leg-humpers. And it strikes me as disingenuous, given the fact that you've told us so much about your shyness and lack of experience. Put an actual occupation/field of work (you don't need to be too specific, just give a general idea if you wish) or leave this field blank.

nice white guy, shy, fun
looking for a nice cute lady
hanon435 on yahoo, im
ima guy and stra8 dammit! i have a penis!
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=624421
*fucking* genius and proud of it

In my opinion, none of this tells much about you or puts you in a really positive light. It reads as poorly-written and desperate. Women can smell desperation, and there's nothing attractive about it. At most, something like "I'm a nice, fun-loving guy who's looking to meet other great people here. Messages are always welcome!" that tells who you are in a polite, succinct way without oversharing, looking rushed or seeming desperate.

Have a look around and take your cues from the men on here who are popular with the ladies. AFAICT, those guys present themselves in a non-threatening way, typically put a good amount of effort into communicating well and appear confident. They're not overly focused on women, they make it clear they love women but are just as happy to meet other guys they have a lot in common with here. They flirt, but aren't overbearing or creepy with it; they keep it to light, flirty banter in public and wait to form deeper connections before sharing more in private conversations. They post on many different subjects (often in various forums) so people can get to know them better in public first.

Much of the above advice applies to personal ads as well. If you're on online dating sites, you'll definitely want to spruce up your profile and communications so you're putting forth the best version of *you*.

I hope you take all of this in the constructive spirit it's intended.

 

[Hanon435]

still need to read this. I'm talking about in real life here. literotica is just for fun and wanking. once I thought I might meet someone on here but I really doubt it. I just can't find anyone at all in real life.

 

[SweetErika]

Quite a few people have actually met their spouses here, so maybe you should take what you put out on Lit, any other online communities and dating sites, more seriously. That's not to say you shouldn't focus on meeting people in real life groups and activities (because RL interactions and interests should definitely be where you spend the bulk of your time and effort), but it'd be a shame if a good match passed you by on a site like this because your communications here are focused on "fun and wanking" vs. meeting cool people and honing your communication and social skills while having fun.

My point is that whether you're running around doing errands or having fun online, it's wise to put your best self forward because you never know where you'll meet someone who's a great match.

 

[Hanon435]

what should I do after someone's messaged me a few times back and forth? I try to talk about something that interests them but it almost always fizzles out after a few exchanges. I don't know what to do then. ask them to chat on the phone or webcam, but a lot of women are afraid of that. I assume they're not interested if they don't message back, except that might not be true either.

 

[Hypoxia]

what should I do after someone's messaged me a few times back and forth? I try to talk about something that interests them but it almost always fizzles out after a few exchanges. I don't know what to do then. ask them to chat on the phone or webcam, but a lot of women are afraid of that. I assume they're not interested if they don't message back, except that might not be true either.

Walk away from your computer. Go offline, out into the real world. Meet flesh-and-blood breathing in-person people. Alienate most of them. Big deal, there are always more people. Talk to them.

I may have mentioned this before: Go where people are. Go social. Hang with groups that have interests similar to yours. If you don't go where people are, you WILL stay alone. Count on it.

Ya gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you'll find a princess.

 

[NightL]

what should I do after someone's messaged me a few times back and forth? I try to talk about something that interests them but it almost always fizzles out after a few exchanges.

...little hint - DON'T "talk about something that interests them" - ask questions and let them do the talking

 

[Hanon435]

I don't talk much. I write a sentence or two asking about something they mention to try to get them to talk.

I don't go out much. grocery shopping. how do you just approach someone like that? I've never done that. "it's dangerous for you to be in the frozen food section. you could melt all this food." you have to check for a ring. I know that. with the results from dating sites nearly all of them won't be the person I'm looking for.

 

[Hypoxia]

I don't go out much. grocery shopping. how do you just approach someone like that? I've never done that. "it's dangerous for you to be in the frozen food section. you could melt all this food." you have to check for a ring. I know that. with the results from dating sites nearly all of them won't be the person I'm looking for.

If you don't go out much, you won't meet people. That's a given.

The grocery store for pickups? I've never managed that, although I *have* scored at a flea market. We just started talking about stuff we were looking at, and we clicked.

If you think "nearly all of them won't be the person I'm looking for" and you don't approach them, you are guaranteed not to meet them, so you'll NEVER KNOW if that's "the person I'm looking for".

I'll repeat myself: Turn off your computer. Go outside. Go where people are. Talk to them. Most might blow you off. Big deal, there are plenty more people around. Find groups: discussion circles, book clubs, art classes, activist organizations, cultural societies, whatever. Don't fear meeting people -- desensitize yourself to your fear. It's all a learning process.

Let me expand on one point there. Meeting people is rather like bidding on eBay. I have gone on buying sprees for photographic and musical equipment. At first, I went all giddy when bidding on certain lenses or saxophones or whatever. Then I realized: that's not the only one ever made. And I devised my basic rule of bidding:

* Bid low. Bid often. Lose most. Don't worry, more will appear soon. There's always another lens.

Translated into meeting-people terms, that becomes:

* Say hello gently, and often. Most may ignore you. Don't worry, another prospect will appear right away. An awful lot of people are available. There's always another person. Keep on kissing frogs. You'll find your prince(ss) for sure.

.

 

[littlecordelera]

Hanon, your signature line states that you are a "fucking genius." If you don't mind me asking, is that a tongue-in-cheek statement, or has your IQ been professionally evaluated to fall within the accepted range?

 

[Hanon435]

that was a joke. some guy called me a fucking genius as an insult. if you emphasize the fucking part... fucking genius doesn't sound so bad. that was taking an insult and turning it into a joke. am a fucking genius? yes... yes, I am. lol


work. groceries. that's all I go out for. I've gotten everything else to be right here. I don't know where to go. performance maybe but... everything I go out for I'm on a mission for. there's a goal. and that's what I do.

and I know I'm going to be really bad at it.

 

[patient1]

Yes, you're going to be bad at it. Accept that and proceed.

I am going to take a wild guess and say you were one bad at writing your name, riding a bike, hitting a softball , driving a car, and doing your job.

Most things get better with practice and experience. If we don't make the effort, we never get any better and never gain confidence.

In was once forced to move from introvert to salesperson. I would start up conversations at the gas pump, in the bank, at the post office, in a line for something. Talk about the weather, share a joke, compliment somebody sincerely. Talk to people after church. All for practice socializing.

Volunteer someplace, people will have to talk to you. Take a class in something that's interesting or challenging. Donate blood. You'll improve socially. When you're improved enough, you might even make friends, or get introduced to somebody you could date.

 

[SweetErika]

In a store, it could be as simple as smiling and asking for advice. If, for instance, you see a woman (anyone, not just one you're physically attracted to) picking out leeks, you could smile and say, "Excuse me, I noticed you were getting some leeks. I've heard people rave about them, but I'm not really sure how to use them, or what's the best way to try them. Any advice?" Women are usually happy to share their knowledge and introduce people to new things. Patient's ideas of giving a genuine (non-creepy/non-sexual) compliment and striking up small talk are very good. Practice, practice, practice!

It seems clear that one of your major stumbling blocks thus far has been not meeting/interacting with enough people in person. Force yourself to fix that, practice a ton, make yourself more attractive by refining social skills and gaining confidence, then see where your love life goes. Once you have a bit of experience, something like speed dating or singles events could be very good practice for you if you go into them expecting to have fun, meet some new people and hone your skills (vs. find a girlfriend, which might happen, but probably won't at a few events).

 

[NightL]

Despite insightful and wonderful advice Erika - he ain't listening - see

 

[sexnovella]

explore more

Girls are everywhere and every relation starts like a friendship where you meet and talk.

 

[Hanon435]

the other was just another question. I can have multiple interests. I gave up on finding someone here a long time ago. I don't have to worry about explaining how I met someone in that case.

 

[Que]

You clearly need practice...

Since you're not fucking anybody it is the perfect opportunity to practice approaching just about every possible woman that you meet that you find even marginally attractive. Since you're already not fucking them there's no chance that you're going to fuck it up by trying to hit on them.

Even if you're incredibly clumbsey at the attempt...it's going to make them smile and its going to give them something to talk to their girlfriends about later "there's this guy it was so sweet he tried it didn't work but obviously I look hot today..."

They don't bite.

And if you're going to making a mistake make the mistake of being too aggressive I would say for you because I don't think it's possible for you to be too aggressive.. it's not in your nature.

I'm old, I'm slim, I'm short, and I'm bald and I say outrageous things to women that don't know me... it's extremely rare that anyone gets even marginally offended.

 

[shiny5437]

Not really an answer to the question but why not consider a different approach. Like the poster I've been single for quite a while and so rather than expend effort anguish on trying to find a partner I've decided to take a year off. For 2014 I've decided to just be single and do other stuff with my energy instead.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

A century ago Mencken noted that there are no bachelors by choice: If youre a bachelor no woman wants you. Its true.

 

[unregistered]