I can't comfort the grieving

[Christobal]

Its a super power I wish I had

 

[Ms_Ann]

I can't do it either. Funeral lines make me want to die.

 

[DirtyPet]

I've never been good with that. I know its wrong but sometimes I get offended if someone decides to break down in front of. I have NO idea what to do or say. Mostly, I just ask if they have someone to call.

 

[Christobal]

I think it might come down to help someone that is hurting.And then we fail

 

[KingOrfeo]

You can comfort the grieving with a big stick. It gives them something else to think about.

 

[Christobal]

You can comfort the grieving with a big stick. It gives them something else to think about.[/QUOTE

In a weird way I get that

Let them be mad at me if it makes them feel better

 

[Hard_Rom]

I'm good at it. Lost both parents early and a younger brother. So been in that place. Lot easier to comfort the grieving if you have much experience grieving.

Have gotten thanks from folk in hospital too for cheering them up. At times I do have a good sense of humour. Again being it same place helps. Telling jokes to someone all hooked up to tubes is easier when standing there with tubes coming out of you too.

 

[Aquagal]

I hated when people wanted to cheer me up when I was grieving. Like they couldn't handle it. It's fake. I'd rather be left alone.

 

[Hard_Rom]

I hated when people wanted to cheer me up when I was grieving. Like they couldn't handle it. It's fake. I'd rather be left alone.

That's part of it. Knowing when they want cheering up. A big old cry is the best way to grieve in the beginning. Some alone time too. It's more after that initial shock and they are attempting to do something normal.

When my mum passed away I swear I was in shock for a year. Wouldn't talk about it and would leave room if folk started to talk about deaths and funerals. Had to be strong for step-mum when Dad died. Think I did more crying and blubbering when younger brother died. Although losing your mum is the worst thing that can ever happen.

 

[Christobal]

That's part of it. Knowing when they want cheering up. A big old cry is the best way to grieve in the beginning. Some alone time too. It's more after that initial shock and they are attempting to do something normal.

When my mum passed away I swear I was in shock for a year. Wouldn't talk about it and would leave room if folk started to talk about deaths and funerals. Had to be strong for step-mum when Dad died. Think I did more crying and blubbering when younger brother died. Although losing your mum is the worst thing that can ever happen.

What he said .

Also the worst thing you can say is I know exactly how you feel

 

[Ms_Ann]

I watch a lot of people...kind of a hobby. The ones that are really, really good at it, you don't even know you're being comforted.

 

[Christobal]

I watch a lot of people...kind of a hobby. The ones that are really, really good at it, you don't even know you're being comforted.

Isn't that the truth

 

[Ms_Ann]

Isn't that the truth

So...who died?

 

[Christobal]

I hated when people wanted to cheer me up when I was grieving. Like they couldn't handle it. It's fake. I'd rather be left alone.

That is part of it for me. You are grieving. Do I walk away like a cold hearted bastard. Or do I fumble for some words to say. I am not being fake.
I just wish I knew what to say.

 

[Bookishleigh]

That is part of it for me. You are grieving. Do I walk away like a cold hearted bastard. Or do I fumble for some words to say. I am not being fake.
I just wish I knew what to say.

I think you just be honest. You tell them you know you can't make it better. You let them know you're there for them. Sometimes it just means sitting there with them in silence. For me, it meant letting my friend read her old journal entries about her fiance when he died. She told me later the hardest part was watching her friends return to normal and expect the same of her so quickly so she was glad to have someone just let her grieve (and I will admit it was terribly uncomfortable and awkward). And I agree - don't try to cheer people up. That is fake. If it happens, fine. But I think turning your back because you don't know what to do is just as bad.

If you care about someone that much, you have to remind yourself it's not about you and your discomfort with the situation. Just showing them you care - listen to them if they want/need to talk. I don't know what the situation is but if possible help where you can (pick up a meal, clean a little, do yard work, a load of laundry, something that they likely aren't thinking about but will eventually have to do).

 

[Conager]

I have learned to say nothing when I first hear about a tragedy. I'm not sure why, but my first utterance tends to be off, and not helpfull.

I feel just as inadequate offering comfort as Christobal reports, but have gotten good feedback on notes I have penned to people struck by grief. I do better when I can pause, reflect, and edit. Usually, positive remberances and general condolences are well received.

"I am very sorry for your untimely loss, I will always remember __________ for that time when something charming/funny/kind/poignant happened. __________ had such a gift for ________."

 

[Bidin~Time]

You don't have to say anything C, your presence lets them know you care.

 

[Froya]

You don't have to say anything C, your presence lets them know you care.

Exactly.

You don't have to try to comfort someone, just care for them the way you always have. There's comfort in that.

 

[Bidin~Time]

Exactly.

You don't have to try to comfort someone, just care for them the way you always have. There's comfort in that.

I would add that a call in a couple of weeks after everyone has gone home is a caring thing to do. Just a "Hi, just wanted to check on you, maybe invite you to lunch or coffee" kinda call

 

[Conager]

I would add that a call in a couple of weeks after everyone has gone home is a caring thing to do. Just a "Hi, just wanted to check on you, maybe invite you to lunch or coffee" kinda call

Also, never ask if there is anything you can do. If you can think of something to do that they may not be doing for themselves just quietly do it. Don't ask.

A simple meal, especially in containers that are disposable is always appreciated.

 

[Bidin~Time]

Also, never ask if there is anything you can do. If you can think of something to do that they may not be doing for themselves just quietly do it. Don't ask.

A simple meal, especially in containers that are disposable is always appreciated.

This is excellent advice. If you ask what you can do, you will hear, "oh I'm fine" even if they aren't fine.

 

[Christobal]

Also, never ask if there is anything you can do. If you can think of something to do that they may not be doing for themselves just quietly do it. Don't ask.

A simple meal, especially in containers that are disposable is always appreciated.

That is so right. You don't vaguely ask can I do anything. You just do it.
Maybe they need the lawn mowed.

 

[OldJourno]

As a man who wore many hats in the newsroom, on occasion I wrote obits of prominent citizens.
One such occasion the subject was the father of a good friend of mine. I got her on the phone less than 12 hours after her father died, and my first words were, "How ya doing?"
Then I realized that was probably not the right thing to say.
She forgave me. Turned into a nice story, too.

 

[Christobal]

I think you just be honest. You tell them you know you can't make it better. You let them know you're there for them. Sometimes it just means sitting there with them in silence. For me, it meant letting my friend read her old journal entries about her fiance when he died. She told me later the hardest part was watching her friends return to normal and expect the same of her so quickly so she was glad to have someone just let her grieve (and I will admit it was terribly uncomfortable and awkward). And I agree - don't try to cheer people up. That is fake. If it happens, fine. But I think turning your back because you don't know what to do is just as bad.

If you care about someone that much, you have to remind yourself it's not about you and your discomfort with the situation. Just showing them you care - listen to them if they want/need to talk. I don't know what the situation is but if possible help where you can (pick up a meal, clean a little, do yard work, a load of laundry, something that they likely aren't thinking about but will eventually have to do).

You are wise. Thank you

 

[Bidin~Time]

and also, hugs to you, Christobal, for caring enough to worry over how best to handle the situation.