I can write an award-winning TV crime drama

[shereads]

"Law and Order" and its many spinoffs fascinate me, like the squiggly things in garden soil. This show wins writing awards. I don't know why it wins, but I think I can write it. Law & Order dialogue-writing could be my key to the big time.

"Mrs. Carlysle, we're investigating the murder of a neighbor of yours. Mrs. Jessica Flint."

"Oh my God. Jessica Flint was murdered? That poor girl. It's been one thing after another. First she finds out that her husband, who had a drinking problem and was suspected of having mob connections, won early parole and might be living in this area. And now this!"

"You seem to know a lot about the victim's former husband."

"What are you implying, officer?"

"How well did you know Raoul Flint?"

"We may have met...once or twice. Okay, I visited him in prison. His little milquetoast of a wife didn't want the conjugal visits, so why shouldn't it be me! But if you think I'd help him commit murder, you're insane."

"Are we, Mrs. Carlisle? I wouldn't be too sure about that."

"He...he said he loved me! He said I was prettier than her, and that we could be together when he got out, if only he could be free of her. But I didn't kill her, I swear I didn't!"

"And did he also tell you about the life insurance policy he took out on his wife last week?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did your lover mention that her death would make him a wealthy man? Wealthy enough to buy a one-way ticket...to Rio de Janeiro?!"

This happens before the first commercial break. Before the hour is over, I'll have the woman and her lover indicted, tried, convicted, sentenced to life in prison, and released on a technicality by a corrupt appeals court judge. The episode will end with the detectives and a tough-but-vulnerable prosecuting attorney drowning their sorrows at a local bar, pondering whether there's any point in fighting for justice when the system is against them.

Ironic observation by one of the three protagonists, tbd.

Fade to black.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

You're such a loon, but I think it'd be a step down from the swill-bucket that is advertising.

Anyway, if you do end up writing for them, I'd like to see these characters included in a few story lines.

Mrs. Lucy Bowel
19 Bedpan Cover
Wemouth, Mass.

Mr.O Howie Farts
896 Rectum Road
Washington, DC

Mrs. Paula Crapp
222 Enema Drive
Quincy, Mass

~lucky

 

[shereads]

You're such a loon, but I think it'd be a step down from the swill-bucket that is advertising.

That's a flattering assessment of my current job. In the junk mail and spam business, we don't use costly buckets. Our swill is tossed in the mud, to be swallowed by ground feeders. But thank you. You've been very helpful, Mrs. Crapp...By the way, my partner and I are investigating a man named Mike Hunt. Have you see Mike Hunt?

 

[lucky-E-leven]

That's a flattering assessment of my current job. In the junk mail and spam business, we don't use costly buckets. Our swill is tossed in the mud, to be swallowed by ground feeders. But thank you. You've been very helpful, Mrs. Crapp...By the way, my partner and I are investigating a man named Mike Hunt. Have you see Mike Hunt?

Well, I don't know Mr. Hunt personally, but my neighbor Mr. Pidass, Stu Pidass, said he hangs out with a guy by the name of Rotch. Might wanna get in touch with Mike Rotch.

~lucky

Edited to add: I stole the swill-bucket reference from you... I'd watch your show, ya nut.

 

[shereads]

Edited to add: I stole the swill-bucket reference from you.

And I stole it from someone whose name I can't remember: "Advertising is the rattling of a stick in a swill bucket." ~ Someone

 

[DrFreud]

In my opinion, Mrs. Carlysle is innocent, but Mrs. Carlisle is suspicious.

God I'm bored. Where's everyone?

DrF

 

[Guest]

Not bad, Sher, but you need to throw the race card in there, any race card. Or maybe a bi-lesbo angle. Het lovers murdering for money is trite, especially gringo hets. And you left out 9/11. JMO.

Perdita

 

[shereads]

Not bad, Sher, but you need to throw the race card in there, any race card. Or maybe a bi-lesbo angle. Het lovers murdering for money is trite, especially gringo hets. And you left out 9/11. JMO.

Perdita

I can work most of that into the ironic one-liner that ends the program. Thank you.

 

[mismused]

"Law and Order" and its many spinoffs fascinate me, like the squiggly things in garden soil. This show wins writing awards. I don't know why it wins, but I think I can write it. Law & Order dialogue-writing could be my key to the big time.

"Mrs. Carlysle, we're investigating the murder of a neighbor of yours. Mrs. Jessica Flint."

"Oh my God. Jessica Flint was murdered? That poor girl. It's been one thing after another. First she finds out that her husband, who had a drinking problem and was suspected of having mob connections, won early parole and might be living in this area. And now this!"

"You seem to know a lot about the victim's former husband."

"What are you implying, officer?"

"How well did you know Raoul Flint?"

"We may have met...once or twice. Okay, I visited him in prison. His little milquetoast of a wife didn't want the conjugal visits, so why shouldn't it be me! But if you think I'd help him commit murder, you're insane."

"Are we, Mrs. Carlisle? I wouldn't be too sure about that."

"He...he said he loved me! He said I was prettier than her, and that we could be together when he got out, if only he could be free of her. But I didn't kill her, I swear I didn't!"

"And did he also tell you about the life insurance policy he took out on his wife last week?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did your lover mention that her death would make him a wealthy man? Wealthy enough to buy a one-way ticket...to Rio de Janeiro?!"

This happens before the first commercial break. Before the hour is over, I'll have the woman and her lover indicted, tried, convicted, sentenced to life in prison, and released on a technicality by a corrupt appeals court judge. The episode will end with the detectives and a tough-but-vulnerable prosecuting attorney drowning their sorrows at a local bar, pondering whether there's any point in fighting for justice when the system is against them.

Ironic observation by one of the three protagonists, tbd.

Fade to black.

================================================

And the Emmy for best original screen play goes to Shereads, for stupendously original screenplay on Law and Order.

 

[rgraham666]

Now I remember why I stopped watching television.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

I don't watch Law & order much, but have seen a couple of episodes that were very thought provoking. I've seen others that were a waste of time. I wonder if the writers for these shows are a ommittee type thing, with several episodes being written by differnet folks at the same time?

 

[rgraham666]

I believe most TV shows are written that way, Colleen.

It smoothes out 'the product'. It ain't very good, but it doesn't offend anybody either.

It's cheap too. Good writers usually work alone, and are expensive.

 

[Guest]

Have you see Mike Hunt?

Me no see Mike Cunt.

 

[shereads]

I don't watch Law & order much, but have seen a couple of episodes that were very thought provoking. I've seen others that were a waste of time. I wonder if the writers for these shows are a ommittee type thing, with several episodes being written by differnet folks at the same time?

I'm sure there's a plot committee. It's not the plots that bother me, but the expository dialogue. It's just a level above "Dragnet," yet the show consistenly wins Emmys and that bugs me.

RG, I don't know if you ever saw The West Wing when Aaron Sorkin was writing as wel as producing the show, but it was an example of what can be done with a one-hour screenplay, when someone is brave enough to ignore focus groups. And enough of a salesman to get the program on the air. The show became a success despite having complex, cerebral plotlines. The dialogue was brilliant. It was able to be, because each episode focused on an issue that could be argued and examined without expository dialogue, and arrive at a climactic moment if not a resolution within the hour. Sorkin believed that an intelligent viewer would find the inner machinations of government interesting, and would appreciate the drama of the crises of conscience, heartbreaking compromises and ethical lapses that make politics what it is. His topics were realistic if his president was too good to be true: an scholarly, well-read idealist whose major flaw was arrogance; there was no intern under the desk.

After he won a ton of awards and began to build an audience, the suits saw a chance to make it even bigger by putting in car chases, kidnappings, fistfights and weekly near-global-disasters. "The writing will be exactly the same," said a network executive when they announced Sorkin's departure, "but without the banter."

Remember in "Amadeus" when he's told his new opera has "too many notes?"



The West Wing had too many notes. Now it's a catchy jingle you can hum along with: "West Wing Lite. Now With No Grey Areas and 95% Fewer Obscure References To Constitutional Law." It reeks of committees. It would be nice if it failed and taught them a lesson, but that would be too neat a resolution. The kind committees write in response to focus groups.

 

[elsol]

I, for one, am not going to argue with success.

The Emmy is really hard to talk around... "You know, you're writing sucks! Can you get that Emmy out of my face, I'm trying to talk to you!"

Plus it's an EMMY... isn't that like the Grammys... don't they give one to everyone, aren't there like 265 Grammy categories... what are there for Emmy... Best Writing in A Drama (is there another Drama other than Law & Order now... I mean doesn't that show have like 50 spinoffs... it's actually educational to study the success of this and CSI's spinoff series), Best Writing in a Comedy, Best Writing for a Documentary, Best Writing in a....

Best Writing on my Block... that's my award so far.

I might actually have to reduce that to Best Erotic Writing on my Block 'cause I think my neighbor works for a magazine.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Hmm, quite a bit of what I've been seeing lately has pushed a boundary of one type or another, has had either excellent writing, excellent characters, excellent premise, or all three with one or two minor exceptions.

Of course that could be because I don't watch American television anymore (except for Daily Show and Firefly when it used to be on). I may be watching more cartoons in my old age, but at least they weren't written by a committee of monkeys on typewriters. And any postmodern heads should look up Beautiful World aka Kino's Journey. Brilliant f-ing writing and premise.

 

[steve w]

Hmmm.

Nice effort, Sher.

As you may spot from my avatar, I disagree. For once, the faceless awards-givers have it right.

Anything reduced to an hour (inclusive of commercial breaks) won't go into it in infinite detail. And I think you'll find most crime series focus on, er, crime.

I find the acting to be of a consistently high quality. The plots go beyond the obvious and can touch on some real issues and genuine moral, ethical and legal dilemmas. They also largely ignore the usual cop-show tendency to treat the cop's life as a soap opera and the crime as an irrelevant frippery. Crime and the law remain at the centre of the show each week, which is as it should be.

The supposed "opposition" would be shows like CSI:Miami. Yeah, I wanna watch that ugly Caruso guy staring enigmatically into a levee every week. And would that my own local police force could call upon a chopper, a SWAT team, several speedboats and piles of back-up just with one call on a cellular. Now THAT'S a trite show, and doesn't even compensate with glitzy entertainment.

As for writing by committee, well, we don't do much of it in the UK. But if you get enough talent in the same room, and harness them properly, you end up with, for example, The Simpsons.

 

[EnglishMuffin]

a one-hour screenplay
if not a resolution within the hour.
an scholarly, well-read idealist whose major flaw was arrogance; there was no intern under the desk.
"but without the banter."

Remember in "Amadeus" when he's told his new opera has "too many notes?"



The kind committees write in response to focus groups.

its more like 45 min.
george w bush went yale uni, no? con rice sucks?

yeah, like id remember "rock me amadeus"

 

[Texguy84]

Hmmm.

The supposed "opposition" would be shows like CSI:Miami. Yeah, I wanna watch that ugly Caruso guy staring enigmatically into a levee every week. And would that my own local police force could call upon a chopper, a SWAT team, several speedboats and piles of back-up just with one call on a cellular. Now THAT'S a trite show, and doesn't even compensate with glitzy entertainment.

Heh, CSI is entertaining. You can have a Gimmick Drinking Game. Like every time an episode of CSI has an orgy, you take a shot, every time there's a reference to lubricant of any sort "That's a funny place for lubricant..." you take another shot, every time you see alligators or crocodiles, another shot.

And of course, every time you see the hot lady cop, you wolf whistle.

 

[rgraham666]

I know what you mean shereads.

As most know, my all time favourite show was Babylon 5.

For the most part it was produced, written and often directed by one person.

B5 had one other thing that other shows did not, an story arc. It wasn't a bunch of single shows spread over five seasons, it was one show five seasons long. You really couldn't afford to miss anything because you would lose plot coherence. And you didn't want to miss anything because you found the story too enthralling to miss.

Maybe I should use 'I' instead of 'we'.

After B5, TV lost its taste to me. Everything else just didn't quite cut it anymore.

 

[Guest]

If I could spit, [sic] out the window, or throw something, the cushion for instance, I might be able to hit him.
- from The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

 

[Texguy84]

After B5, TV lost its taste to me. Everything else just didn't quite cut it anymore.

Babylon 5 truly was a great show. There have been some other shows with rather good plot arcs. Buffy and Angel, while they didn't necessarily have one all-encompassing plot, did have some very good seasonal story arcs. Firefly, from the same guy who made Buffy and Angel, looked like it was going to have a series-spanning plot arc, but it got canned halfway through the first season (the movie's coming out in September though)

can't think of anything else that really cuts the mustard in the same way though. There are some very good animes out there, most of which seem to have a plot that wraps everything up after one season.

 

[TheEarl]

Babylon 5 truly was a great show. There have been some other shows with rather good plot arcs. Buffy and Angel, while they didn't necessarily have one all-encompassing plot, did have some very good seasonal story arcs. Firefly, from the same guy who made Buffy and Angel, looked like it was going to have a series-spanning plot arc, but it got canned halfway through the first season (the movie's coming out in September though)

can't think of anything else that really cuts the mustard in the same way though. There are some very good animes out there, most of which seem to have a plot that wraps everything up after one season.

Agreed on the Buffy and Angel story arcs. Those shows were written by several different people, but were powered by one man who kept his eyes on everything and kept the executive decision, which I think is why they were so strong.

The Earl

 

[CharleyH]

"Law and Order" and its many spinoffs fascinate me, like the squiggly things in garden soil. This show wins writing awards. I don't know why it wins, but I think I can write it. Law & Order dialogue-writing could be my key to the big time.

"Mrs. Carlysle, we're investigating the murder of a neighbor of yours. Mrs. Jessica Flint."

"Oh my God. Jessica Flint was murdered? That poor girl. It's been one thing after another. First she finds out that her husband, who had a drinking problem and was suspected of having mob connections, won early parole and might be living in this area. And now this!"

"You seem to know a lot about the victim's former husband."

"What are you implying, officer?"

"How well did you know Raoul Flint?"

"We may have met...once or twice. Okay, I visited him in prison. His little milquetoast of a wife didn't want the conjugal visits, so why shouldn't it be me! But if you think I'd help him commit murder, you're insane."

"Are we, Mrs. Carlisle? I wouldn't be too sure about that."

"He...he said he loved me! He said I was prettier than her, and that we could be together when he got out, if only he could be free of her. But I didn't kill her, I swear I didn't!"

"And did he also tell you about the life insurance policy he took out on his wife last week?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did your lover mention that her death would make him a wealthy man? Wealthy enough to buy a one-way ticket...to Rio de Janeiro?!"

This happens before the first commercial break. Before the hour is over, I'll have the woman and her lover indicted, tried, convicted, sentenced to life in prison, and released on a technicality by a corrupt appeals court judge. The episode will end with the detectives and a tough-but-vulnerable prosecuting attorney drowning their sorrows at a local bar, pondering whether there's any point in fighting for justice when the system is against them.

Ironic observation by one of the three protagonists, tbd.

Fade to black.

LOL - add a bit of forensics Sher, and I SWEAR you are Jerry Bruckheimer(sp)

 

[shereads]

Hmmm.

Nice effort, Sher.

As you may spot from my avatar, I disagree. For once, the faceless awards-givers have it right.

No, you're thinking of NYPD Blue. I'm talking about the series with too much expository dialogue. If they really must explain a landmark court case beginning with the discovery of the body and ending with Sandra Day O'Connor going home to feed the cat, they should do the plot in multiple one-hour segments. They certainly have the air time for it...No, I won't say they should; they should do what drives ratings and they're doing a fine job of it. But the dialogue is forced to carry so much narrative that it becomes almost comical.

It's particularly evident in the initial witness-interview scenes like the one I played with in the opening. There's no time for someone to absorb the shock of learning there's been a murder next door. They have to indicate shock by saying they're shocked (or gasping, if the episode is running long) and then get on with the business of providing the crime's backstory.

"You don't suppose that woman he's been seeing had anything to do with it, do you, Detective? He said she was his piano teacher, but I never heard him practicing...And she had the most disturbing tattoo..."

"Lots of people have tattoos, ma'am. What was disburbing about it?"

"It said: 'DIE BART DIE.'"

"Ma'am, that's just German for 'THE BART THE.'" *

"Oh. Well, maybe she didn't kill him then."





*The Simpsons' Sideshow Bob explaining his tattoo to the parole board

Anything reduced to an hour (inclusive of commercial breaks) won't go into it in infinite detail. And I think you'll find most crime series focus on, er, crime.

Ahem: Hill Street Blues, L.A. Law, NYPD Blue.

All crime dramas, all one hour, beautifully written. Hill Street and NYPD Blue might not be fair comparisons; they were character-driven, with as much attention to the personal conflicts and relationships as to the crime aspect. But L.A. Law handled a lot of unusual court cases, and delved into the same legal complexities and ethical challenges. I never had the feeling that the characters were explaining the story to me. They were talking to each other, just like people. But smarter.