I can take it - REALLY want opinions

[ak_shepanther]

My first story Isabella and Darcy has just posted. Any of you that are willing I welcome all comments and "helpful" criticism.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30264

Thank you so much for your help (in advance).
Panther

 

[Black_Bird]

Constructive Criticism

I want to make it clear that I'm not trying to be an asshole. If I come off as one, I appologize.

Okay - so this is your first story... I'm going to give you one piece of advice that was hammered into my head after several years of poetry workshops and literary arts classes - SHOW, DON'T TELL!

What does this mean? Well, lets take the first six paragraphs of your story - instead of TELLING the reader all this information, have the two characters relay this information through natural conversation. Make it clear to the reader that they have been talking awhile (again, through conversation) and how they feel (through the characters' attitude). In short - SHOW.

Example:
Tell: She was irratated and was seriously thinking about leaving him.

Show: Sarah grit her teeth and turned away from him as he attemtped to apologize. "I don't even know why I stay with you," she muttered.

Sure - showing the reader can often lengthens a story by quite abit, but the readers get a better feel for the characters and their motives... they can also *see* things clearer in their mind.

There were other problems with this story - but as Daughter said in another thread, it is best to take things one step at a time.

One thing you do have - you know what you want to say. You have a concept that you want to communicate, which, sometimes, is more then most writers have. Most writers want to say something, they just haven't decided WHAT yet.

Just because this story is published, doesn't mean you can't go back and revise! Try to apply what you learned here to this story before moving on to the next... Trust me, revision makes you a better writer.

And Keep Writing!!!

 

[ak_shepanther]

Thank you Black_Bird

You obviously took time to really read my story - thank you. Funny, I hear the conversation in my head but it came out as "telling" and I never would have even thought about that point. Thank you. When (hopefully) I get several super ideas like yours, I plan to rewrite my story and incorporate suggestions that I feel I have a chance at actually executing. LOL. Changing my inner thoughts into more dialogue would be an interesting exercise for me.

Thank you so much for taking the time. And I also appreciate your complement. I know all of this is so subjective but other than "newletter" type of writing, I am just now letting my desire to really write and entertain take presence and there are so many ways to go and comments like yours will help me find my niche and my own voice.

Gratefully,
Panther