I break the line: are you game for the game?

[annaswirls]

.


Inspired by a thread by unapologetic


How would YOU break the lines of this short free verse poem?

Post your reply without peeking, and I will put up another free verser in a day or so.
.

 

[annaswirls]

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

will you teach a wretch to live straighter than a needle ask her ask when ask and ask and ask again and ask a brittle little person fiddling in the rain did you kiss a girl with nipples like pink thimbles ask him ask who ask and ask and ask ago and ask a simple crazy thing singing in the snow

- e. e. cummings


note: took out the parenthesis (thanks Tess) and added the second half of the poem (thanks Tath!)

 

[annaswirls]

this is probably how I would do it (not right, just my routine)

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

(will you teach a wretch to live
straighter than a needle)
ask her ask when
(ask and ask
and ask again and)
ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

extension

will you teach a wretch
to live straighter
than a needle ask her
ask when
ask and ask
and ask again and
ask a brittle little person
fiddling
in the rain
did you kiss a girl
with nipples like pink thimbles
ask him ask who
ask and ask and ask
ago and ask a simple crazy thing
singing
in the snow

(left out the (-) )

 

[Tathagata]

will you teach a
wretch to live
straighter than a needle)

ask her
ask
when
(ask and ask
and ask
again
and)
ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain

(did you kiss a girl
with nipples
like pink thimbles)

ask him
ask who
(ask and ask
and ask
ago
and)ask a
simple crazy thing
singing
in the snow

 

[annaswirls]

will you teach a wretch
to live straighter
than a needle ask her
ask when
ask and ask
and ask again and
ask a brittle little person
fiddling
in the rain

(left out the (-) )

ooh good idea to leave those out!

see you follow the rule some have told me, to leave the end of the line having the reader want more.... to have to read on to answer some question that keeps them reading....I am always wanting to keep things together, to answer the question in the same line. ah the psychology of poetry! Thanks for playing Tess!


will you teach a wretch (teach her what?)
to live straighter (oh...to live straighter.... but straigher than What?)
than a needle ask her (oh than a needle, what are you going to ask her?)
ask when
ask and ask
and ask again and
ask a brittle little person
fiddling
in the rain

 

[annaswirls]

will you teach a
wretch to live
straighter than a needle)

ask her
ask
when
(ask and ask
and ask
again
and)
ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain

(did you kiss a girl
with nipples
like pink thimbles)

ask him
ask who
(ask and ask
and ask
ago
and)ask a
simple crazy thing
singing
in the snow

oop! you caught me cutting the poem in half! Sorry! It wasn't my fault, I just typed in famous free verse poem and that is what google delivered! Half! Hahah, of course I know it is my fault. and THANK you for giving us the whole thing!

 

[Tathagata]

oop! you caught me cutting the poem in half! Sorry! It wasn't my fault, I just typed in famous free verse poem and that is what google delivered! Half! Hahah, of course I know it is my fault. and THANK you for giving us the whole thing!

my fault I thought you were just giving us the beginning
lol

 

[annaswirls]

my fault I thought you were just giving us the beginning
lol

when I read your response, I thought you had made up the second part! oooo lala Tath likes pink nibblers!!!?

 

[Tathagata]

when I read your response, I thought you had made up the second part! oooo lala Tath likes pink nibblers!!!?

like thimbles


so i don't prick my finger....as opposed to
never mind

 

[The_Fool]

will you teach a wretch
to live
straighter than a needle
ask her
ask when
ask and ask and ask again
and ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss a girl with nipples
like pink thimbles
ask him
ask who
ask and ask and ask ago
and ask a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

 

[Guest]

will you teach a wretch
to live straighter than a needle
ask her
ask when
ask and ask and ask again

and ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss a girl with nipples
like pink thimbles

ask him
ask who ask and ask
and ask ago and ask
a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

 

[champagne1982]

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

will you teach
a wretch to live
straighter
than a needle
ask her
...... ask when
.........ask and ask and ask
again and ask
a brittle
little person
fiddling in the rain

did you
kiss a girl
with nipples
like pink thimbles
ask him
...... ask who
.........ask and ask and ask
ago and ask
a simple
crazy thing
singing in the snow

- e. e. cummings

 

[Liar]

Whithout looking at previous entries, and entirely by gut feeling...

will you teach a wretch to live
straighter than a needle

ask her ask when
ask and ask and ask
again and ask
a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain

did you kiss a girl
with nipples like pink thimbles

ask him ask who
ask and ask and ask
ago and ask
a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

 

[unapologetic]

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

will you teach a wretch to live
straighter than a needle
ask her ask when
ask and ask and ask again
and ask

a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss
a girl with nipples
like pink thimbles

ask him ask who
ask and ask
and ask ago
and ask a simple crazy thing

singing in the snow

- e. e. cummings

 

[Maria2394]

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

will you teach a wretch to live
straighter than a needle, ask her
ask when
ask and ask and ask again
and ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss a girl
with nipples like pink thimbles
ask him, ask who,
ask and ask and ask ago
and ask a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

- e. e. cummings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thats the best I can do, probably wrecked it though, and hey, ever notice when you say the same word over and over and over
how wrong and silly it begins to sound?

says scissors about 20 times, lol


cool challenge, Ms Swirls

 

[annaswirls]

ooh! this version really pulls out the rhyme and rhythm in the poem!

will you teach a wretch
to live
straighter than a needle
ask her
ask when
ask and ask and ask again
and ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss a girl with nipples
like pink thimbles
ask him
ask who
ask and ask and ask ago
and ask a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

 

[FifthFlower]

Were this free verse, I would do it as follows:

Will you teach a wretch to live straighter than a needle? Ask her. Ask when. Ask and ask and ask again, and ask a brittle little person fiddling in the rain, "Did you kiss a girl with nipples like pink thimbles?" Ask him. Ask who, ask and ask and ask ago, and ask a simple crazy thing singing in the snow.

But this appears to be written in almost perfect iambic meter, so I would find a line pattern that suited the rhyme breaks. Since I could not put a full stop at the end of line 3, I would make it all one stanza.

Will you teach a wretch to live straighter than a needle?
Ask her. Ask when. Ask and ask and ask again,
And ask a brittle little person fiddling in the rain,
"Did you kiss a girl with nipples like pink thimbles?"
Ask him. Ask who, ask and ask and ask ago,
And ask a simple crazy thing singing in the snow.

 

[annaswirls]

oh I like how you lengthened the lines! that is another technique I have seen (oh lord it has a name I cannot think of) but using that line wrap to weave the one line into the next, feels like fabric--

thanks! it IS a great challenge because so many amazing people jumped in, what fun to see, I think ee would have loved it too

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

will you teach a wretch to live
straighter than a needle, ask her
ask when
ask and ask and ask again
and ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss a girl
with nipples like pink thimbles
ask him, ask who,
ask and ask and ask ago
and ask a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

- e. e. cummings

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thats the best I can do, probably wrecked it though, and hey, ever notice when you say the same word over and over and over
how wrong and silly it begins to sound?

says scissors about 20 times, lol


cool challenge, Ms Swirls

 

[annaswirls]

wow, very close to the original? I have to go back and check, but I remember he had it spaced like that


cool!

will you teach a wretch to live ...
by e.e. cummings

will you teach
a wretch to live
straighter
than a needle
ask her
...... ask when
.........ask and ask and ask
again and ask
a brittle
little person
fiddling in the rain

did you
kiss a girl
with nipples
like pink thimbles
ask him
...... ask who
.........ask and ask and ask
ago and ask
a simple
crazy thing
singing in the snow

- e. e. cummings

 

[annaswirls]

damn! it is amazing how much it changes with different line breaks, and this prose-ifies it, I love it! I never would have thought to do this.

Thanks!

Were this free verse, I would do it as follows:

Will you teach a wretch to live straighter than a needle? Ask her. Ask when. Ask and ask and ask again, and ask a brittle little person fiddling in the rain, "Did you kiss a girl with nipples like pink thimbles?" Ask him. Ask who, ask and ask and ask ago, and ask a simple crazy thing singing in the snow.

But this appears to be written in almost perfect iambic meter, so I would find a line pattern that suited the rhyme breaks. Since I could not put a full stop at the end of line 3, I would make it all one stanza.

Will you teach a wretch to live straighter than a needle?
Ask her. Ask when. Ask and ask and ask again,
And ask a brittle little person fiddling in the rain,
"Did you kiss a girl with nipples like pink thimbles?"
Ask him. Ask who, ask and ask and ask ago,
And ask a simple crazy thing singing in the snow.

 

[annaswirls]

no one says nipples like you, even when you are breaking someone elses lines, it is all you

will you teach a wretch
to live straighter than a needle
ask her
ask when
ask and ask and ask again

and ask a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain
did you kiss a girl with nipples
like pink thimbles

ask him
ask who ask and ask
and ask ago and ask
a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

 

[annaswirls]

this one reminds me of Maria's-- the wrapping of ideas and rhythm from one line to the other.

Whithout looking at previous entries, and entirely by gut feeling...

will you teach a wretch to live
straighter than a needle

ask her ask when
ask and ask and ask
again and ask
a brittle little person
fiddling in the rain

did you kiss a girl
with nipples like pink thimbles

ask him ask who
ask and ask and ask
ago and ask
a simple crazy thing
singing in the snow

 

[annaswirls]

how ee did it

e.e. cummings


(will you teach a
wretch to live
straighter than a needle)

ask
....her
........ask
............when
................(ask and
................ask
................and ask
again and)ask a
brittle little
person fiddling
in
the
rain

(did you kiss
a girl with nipples
like pink thimbles)

ask
....him
........ ask
............who
............(ask and
............ask
............and ask
ago and)ask a
simple
crazy
thing
singing
in the snow

- e. e. cummings

 

[annaswirls]

Here is one

by one of my favorite poets: Anna Swir

Anyone else want to post one to play with, please feel free

I took out the punctuation, inspired by those who played with it in the cummings poem.

so interesting how meanings can change so drastically



POETRY READING

I’m curled into a ball like a dog that is cold who will tell me why I was born why this monstrosity called life the telephone rings I have to give a poetry reading I enter a hundred people a hundred pairs of eyes they look they wait I know for what I am supposed to tell them why they were born why there is this monstrosity called life