I am heartbroken and feeling empty

[peachykeen]

The husband and I had a huge falling out last night.

After a lovely day yesterday of morning sex, a nice brunch, lounging around, more fooling around, and watching a movie, at bedtime when we were cuddling up when I went to grab his cock he sighed and said, "Isn't anything ever enough for you?" Not in a good way, more like irritated and grumpy.

Mind you, I have only just returned from being away 3 and a half months, and he has been working really long hours up until yesterday, so we haven't had much time alone together since...early June.

So this got us into a rather unpleasant discussion, during which he revealed that he doesn't really enjoy sex that much, he does it mainly because he knows I like and expect it, and he really doesn't think he can bear to go down on me again, he only ever did it because he thought it was what I wanted but really he'd prefer not to anymore thanks, and he never really thinks about having sex with me when we are not actually having sex, which is why it doesn't occur to him to initiate it, unless is happens to occur to him we haven't for a while, in which case he will make sure it gets done. How sexy and desirable does that make me feel?

But, he loves me very much and can't imagine life without me so if I think we should go see a counselor he will be happy to go.

I am uttterly floored, devastated. Just yesterday morning we were talking about planning for our future (getting pregnant, whether or not to move back to the US, wether or not to sell some property there and buy some here, etc.) and now I feel like I do not even know this man. I can't eat and can't sleep and I am terrified; it never occurred to me that we would not be together for a long, long time and now suddenly it is like I've been whacked in the gut.

I don't even know why I am telling all of you this except I can't even call my best friend right now cuz of the time difference and I am just so, so, so, so, sad.

Fuck. This sucks more than I can say.

 

[Ezarc]

*Huge hugs* Just keep breathing. Go to some counselling and see if you can talk and work things out for the two of you. I hope that things will get better.
Take Care and Lust Always,
Ezarc

 

[Mad_Jack_Rabbit]

Have you talked to him about WHY he doesn't want to have sex with you? Is there something he doesn't like about going down?

You really need to talk to him about this. Best not in bed. After dinner perhaps. Clothes on. No pressure to have sex or that it will lead to sex and less hurt over any rejection.

 

[Jewelz]

Peachy,
I'm at a loss for words. I can't even imagine what you are feeling. My thoughts are with you hon. Sending you lots of warm hugs and hopefully things will be able to be worked out.

 

[acitore_vuli]

.

 

[bknight2602]

I feel for you, but ask yourself some questions. If he feels this way really, then isn't it better to find out now and not later with some kids in the picture. They are not a good reason to stay married, been there done that it didn't work. If you have a higher sex drive than him you can choose to accept it, and have a lot of masturbation time on your fingers. You can choose to go find others to fulfill your needs. Or you can leave now and find someone that has the same drive as you. If you stay in the same situation you will end up older, and still horny. The decisions may be harder to make then.

 

[Soblue]

Wow, sorry to hear this Peachy.

I agree with jackrabbit, have a talk out of bed, calmly and then you can ask what the problem is exactly.

Good luck to you girly.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Peachy, I could hear the pain and sorrow in your words. I can also relate to being married to a man who doesn't initiate sex. If you think it's painful now, trust me in that after a few years of this, your self esteem will be in the toilet and you'll be looking elsewhere for fulfillment.

I think you should dump him now, before you waste anymore time and certainly before you have children with him.

People do not, can not, change their basic beings for another.

 

[Debbie]

Yeah, this does suck for you emotionally.
But in a good way? He is communicating with you.
IE,"So this got us into a rather unpleasant discussion, during which he revealed that he doesn't really enjoy sex that much, he does it mainly because he knows I like and expect it, and he really doesn't think he can bear to go down on me again, he only ever did it because he thought it was what I wanted but really he'd prefer not to anymore thanks, and he never really thinks about having sex with me when we are not actually having sex, which is why it doesn't occur to him to initiate it, "

Long hours suck, being away from each other does too.
Maybe it was meant to be a flippiant comment?
LOL Like ; "Cant, you get enough of me?"

Or? Maybe he has issues he needs to deal with. With your help.
My ex was sexually abused as a kid and he thought of sex as a chore. He never initiated sex. For him it was almost repulsive.
I'm not saying in your case it could be the same but perhaps listening to him and hearing why he feels the way he does about sex might help you both.

I understand the feeling of, is it me? Am I not sexy enough etc but maybe this isn't about you but him. Something you could both learn about each other. Possibly get past and go on to have a wonderful future together.


Wishing you the best.

 

[peachykeen]

I know, I know, I know. Better now than later, I know. But we've been together 8 years, married for 3. Do you not think he could have told me this before we got married? Bought a house together? Moved to another friggin continent?

I can't imagine my life without him, and he says he doesn't want to lose me. I know we have a good enough relationship in all other aspects that we have to get some counseling and try to work this out. At least I think we do. Oh I just don't fucking know anything anymore.

 

[Rambling Rose]

Jesus honey, what a blow. The counseling sounds like a good idea. Take him up on it and don't delay. He's obviously had some issues he hasn't been able to communicate to you before now. You're beautiful, smart and desirable. This is not about you. It's about the way you are with each other and his feelings about sex.

Good luck to you both. I know you love your husband very much. I'm so sorry to hear this from you after knowing how excited you were to reunite.

 

[kotori]

wow. that's sad, peachy.

when i lost interest in having sex with my wife is when i lost interest in my wife. and that was as a result of feeling that she'd lost interest in me. we never had that kind of time/distance separation--this happened under the same roof. hell, i even lost interest in masturbation. i felt so totally alone in the midst of a full household.

i wish i knew something to say. and now it's even to late to offer to take you to the Canton Casino for some chop suey.

 

[Ezarc]

If the love and trust are still there, work on it. Get some help to try to get an understanding. I wish you the best and hope that you can work this out. I am routing for you.
Take Care and Lust Always,
Ezarc

 

[peachykeen]

somebody say something to stop me going out to buy a pack of cigarettes, I'm rather feeling like starting smoking again today.

 

[Bob_Bytchin]

If you love him, and he loves you, and he was honest with you about this, then it sounds to me like he wants to find a way to change things.

Go to the counseling, get to the root of the problem, and fight this together. It's not as if he said that he didn't love you, and maybe, just maybe, there is something else under the surface that will explain all this.

We all have times when we lose desire for our partners...sometimes just for 5 minutes, sometimes for weeks, sometimes longer. It doesn't mean we don't love them though. I had gotten into a slump for a while where I wouldn't initiate sex because every time I would, things seemed to conspire against me....the phone would ring, the kids would all decide to come inside, the doorbell would ring, she would have things to do etc... So when she asked me a few months later why I no longer initiated things, I told her why. But we worked through it.

If you love the guy, and he loves you, work through it if you think it's worth working for.

 

[Rubyfruit]

somebody say something to stop me going out to buy a pack of cigarettes, I'm rather feeling like starting smoking again today.

When the dust settles, do you want to be a smoker or a non-smoker?

 

[Guest]

peachy!!

i wish i could say something to make you feel better, i dont know what that would be, i am sure this is a very emotional situation. try to weigh all situatios though, counseling might be a good option , i have been through that some not for your reason but for other marriage problems and it did work!! take care and hopefully things will all work out for you!!!

 

[Jewelz]

I know, I know, I know. Better now than later, I know. But we've been together 8 years, married for 3. Do you not think he could have told me this before we got married? Bought a house together? Moved to another friggin continent?

I can't imagine my life without him, and he says he doesn't want to lose me. I know we have a good enough relationship in all other aspects that we have to get some counseling and try to work this out. At least I think we do. Oh I just don't fucking know anything anymore.

I speak from my own personal experiences only. Things can change if the both of you desire that change. Find out why he doesn't want sex and what it is that bothers him. And whether or not he wants to change it. My marriage was over this summer. All we had to do was sign the papers. He knew what I needed from him on many levels. Emotionally, sexually, physically, romantically...all of it. We have been together for almost 15 years and married for 8.5 of those and we have 3 children. It wasn't til he realized that he could change for us and I changed as well. It couldn't be more beautiful than it is now. We truly are happy and sexually is amazingly different. He was like your husband. Not any more. He took the interest in how he could make it better and more satisfying for me and him. And to learn about my body. It can work out but only if he is willing to and wanting that change too. I wish you the best!!

 

[Dillinger]

I'm so sorry...

*hug*

 

[Mischka]

Is the lack of interest in sex a recent development, or has he never been all that interested? If it's recent, it very well may be a physical problem. He should see a doctor. Many men go through a sort of "menopause" fluctuation in their hormone levels, at random times in their lives, that zaps their sex drive. That could be happening here.

If it's been an issue since the beginning, then a counselor is the only way to go. Only after you have the complete picture can you make the decision of whether you are better off with him, or without him.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Bindii]

I'm so sorry to hear this Peachy......and even sorrier that I don't have the right words to say.

You mentioned that your husband has been working long hours, could he be under a lot of stress at work perhaps? Stress is a large libido killer, as is drugs (including cigarettes and alcohol), tiredness, low testerone levels etc.

I'd suggest getting him to a doctors first to rule out any medical problems before you start councelling.

Good luck and take care.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[Hamletmaschine]

I think Mischka is right on the mark.

Although he may say that he's never been very interested in sex, if your sex life has been satisfactory thus far and if this is the first time he's ever said such a thing, he may be rationalizing for a current lack of interest in sex--which could be brought on by any number of factors.

Right now you're going through two very difficult passages in your relationship: the 3rd year of marriage (end of the "Honeymoon Phase," as it's called) and the 8th year of your relationship (the so-called "seven year itch" phase). Lots of tricky shit to work through in either of those alone, much less at the same time.

Right now you're hurt and in a bit of shock. Don't make any rash decisions. Take a day or two to calm down--and then take him up on his offer to seek counseling.

Good luck to you.

 

[LadyG]

Maybe he just doesn't have as high a sex drive as you? It's possible. But he's willing to work it out so, all is not lost. At least he told you, I know that's not much of a consolation, but some wouldn't.

Good luck and sounds like you both love each other very much so, chances are a little counselling will do wonders.

As for the oral sex, well, not all guys are into it. It's just a fact of life, as sad as it seems.

 

[peachykeen]

Thanks everybody. He came home a bit ago (had been at the store) and we had a some tears and shouts and more tears and then talked a bit. He is really stressed from work, I know this. I suspect he may really need some individual couseling as well as us together. No he has never been highly interested in sex and we have talked about it in the past but - I thought - we were working on it, he was feeling more comfortable with it, and that we had made some good progress. Turns out he was putting on a bit of an act, because he didn't want to disappoint me, but he still is really not all that interested. But I still really think there is more going on with him, because he said a few things this afternoon that made me go 'hmmm...' Like, "You deserve to be happy and since I will always be miserable I can never give you that," and "You could have been with anyone else and had a nice life but instead you got stuck with me and I'm sorry." I mean, wow. I had no idea he was so unhappy, I thought we were having a pretty decent life, all things considered. Makes me feel that maybe there were some signs all along I should have been seeing or something; wouldn't a better wife have known?