I am feeling so empty right now!!!
- Thread starter xlc67
- Start date
Chuckus
'Master' of all things good and pleasurable
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2000
- Posts
- 6,187
> > "In-Flight Safety Announcements"
> >
> > Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort
> > to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their
> > other announcements a bit more entertaining.
> > Here are some real examples that have been heard
> > or reported:
> >
> > 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may
> > be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
> > only 4 ways out of this airplane."
> >
> > 2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising
> > altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat
> > belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
> > wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
> > land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
> > the wings it affects the flight pattern."
> >
> > 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta
> > Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
> > the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
> > a ride."
> >
> > 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
> > at Washington National, the lone voice of Jim
> > Zhang came over the loudspeaker:
> > "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
> >
> > 5. After a particularly rough landing during
> > thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
> > Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
> > when opening the overhead compartments because,
> > after a landing like that, sure as hell
> > everything has shifted."
> >
> > 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee:
> > "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
> > operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
> > the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
> > every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to
> > operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
> > public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
> > loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
> > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
> > and pull it over your face. If you have a small
> > child traveling with you, secure your mask before
> > assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
> > two small children, decide now which one you love
> > more."
> >
> > 7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
> > some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them
> > fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> > nobody loves you or your money more than
> > Southwest
> > Airlines."
> >
> > 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation.
> > In the event of an emergency water landing,
> > please take them with our compliments."
> >
> > 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to
> > gather all of your belongings. Anything left
> > behind will be distributed evenly among the
> > flight attendants. Please do not leave children
> > or spouses."
> >
> > 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
> >
> > 11. From the pilot during his welcome message:
> > "We are pleased to have some of the best flight
> > attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none
> > of them are on this flight."
> >
> > 12. This was overheard on an American Airlines
> > flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
> > windy and bumpy day. During the final approach,
> > the captain was really having to fight it. After
> > an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant
> > came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
> > gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
> > your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
> > captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
> > gate!"
> >
> > 13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
> > than perfect landing:
> > "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
> > Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
> >
> > 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this
> > particular flight he had hammered his ship into
> > the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
> > which required the first officer to stand at the
> > door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
> > them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
> > that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
> > time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
> > that someone would have a smart comment.
> > Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this
> > little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> > "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
> >
> > 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
> > the flight attendant got on the PA and said,
> > "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
> > seats until Captain Crash and the crew have
> > brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
> > against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
> > cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
> > open the door and you can pick your way through
> > the wreckage to the terminal."
> >
> > 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
> > announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
> > flying with us today. And, the next time you get
> > the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
> > in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
> > of us here at US Airways
> >
> > Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort
> > to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their
> > other announcements a bit more entertaining.
> > Here are some real examples that have been heard
> > or reported:
> >
> > 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may
> > be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
> > only 4 ways out of this airplane."
> >
> > 2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising
> > altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat
> > belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
> > wish, but please stay inside the plane till we
> > land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on
> > the wings it affects the flight pattern."
> >
> > 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta
> > Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us
> > the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
> > a ride."
> >
> > 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop
> > at Washington National, the lone voice of Jim
> > Zhang came over the loudspeaker:
> > "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
> >
> > 5. After a particularly rough landing during
> > thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
> > Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
> > when opening the overhead compartments because,
> > after a landing like that, sure as hell
> > everything has shifted."
> >
> > 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee:
> > "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
> > operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
> > the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
> > every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to
> > operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
> > public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
> > loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
> > from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
> > and pull it over your face. If you have a small
> > child traveling with you, secure your mask before
> > assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
> > two small children, decide now which one you love
> > more."
> >
> > 7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
> > some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them
> > fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
> > nobody loves you or your money more than
> > Southwest
> > Airlines."
> >
> > 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation.
> > In the event of an emergency water landing,
> > please take them with our compliments."
> >
> > 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to
> > gather all of your belongings. Anything left
> > behind will be distributed evenly among the
> > flight attendants. Please do not leave children
> > or spouses."
> >
> > 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
> >
> > 11. From the pilot during his welcome message:
> > "We are pleased to have some of the best flight
> > attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none
> > of them are on this flight."
> >
> > 12. This was overheard on an American Airlines
> > flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly
> > windy and bumpy day. During the final approach,
> > the captain was really having to fight it. After
> > an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant
> > came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
> > gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
> > your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
> > captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
> > gate!"
> >
> > 13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less
> > than perfect landing:
> > "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
> > Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
> >
> > 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this
> > particular flight he had hammered his ship into
> > the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
> > which required the first officer to stand at the
> > door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
> > them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
> > that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
> > time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
> > that someone would have a smart comment.
> > Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this
> > little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
> > "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
> >
> > 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix,
> > the flight attendant got on the PA and said,
> > "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
> > seats until Captain Crash and the crew have
> > brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up
> > against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
> > cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
> > open the door and you can pick your way through
> > the wreckage to the terminal."
> >
> > 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
> > announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for
> > flying with us today. And, the next time you get
> > the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
> > in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
> > of us here at US Airways
Chuckus
'Master' of all things good and pleasurable
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2000
- Posts
- 6,187
>> > Official Minnesota Temperature Conversion Chart
>> >
>> > 60 above
>> > New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
>> > People in Minnesota plant gardens.
>> >
>> > 50 above
>> > - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
>> > - People in Minnesota sunbathe.
>> >
>> > 40 above
>> > - Italian & English cars won't start.
>> > - People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
>> >
>> > 32 above
>> > - Distilled water freezes.
>> > - Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
>> >
>> > 20 above
>> > - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves
>> > and woolly hats.
>> > - People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt
>> >
>> > 15 above
>> > - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
>> > - People in Minnesota have the last cookout before
>> > it gets cold.
>> >
>> > 0
>> > - People in Miami all die...
>> > - Minnesotans lick the flagpole.
>> >
>> > 20 below
>> > - Californians fly away to Mexico.
>> > - People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
>> >
>> > 40 below
>> > - Hollywood disintegrates.
>> > - The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies
>> > door to door.
>> >
>> > 60 below
>> > - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
>> > - Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival"
>> > classes until it gets cold enough.
>> >
>> > 80 below
>> > - Mt. St. Helens freezes.
>> > - People in Minnesota rent some videos.
>> >
>> > 100 below
>> > - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
>> > - Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg
>> >
>> > 297 below
>> > - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
>> > - Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands.
>> >
>> > 460 below
>> > - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
>> > - People in Minnesota start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
>> >
>> > 500 below
>> > - Hell freezes over.
>> > - The Vikings win the Super Bowl!
>> >
>> > 60 above
>> > New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
>> > People in Minnesota plant gardens.
>> >
>> > 50 above
>> > - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
>> > - People in Minnesota sunbathe.
>> >
>> > 40 above
>> > - Italian & English cars won't start.
>> > - People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.
>> >
>> > 32 above
>> > - Distilled water freezes.
>> > - Lake Superior's water gets thicker.
>> >
>> > 20 above
>> > - Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves
>> > and woolly hats.
>> > - People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt
>> >
>> > 15 above
>> > - Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
>> > - People in Minnesota have the last cookout before
>> > it gets cold.
>> >
>> > 0
>> > - People in Miami all die...
>> > - Minnesotans lick the flagpole.
>> >
>> > 20 below
>> > - Californians fly away to Mexico.
>> > - People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
>> >
>> > 40 below
>> > - Hollywood disintegrates.
>> > - The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies
>> > door to door.
>> >
>> > 60 below
>> > - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
>> > - Minnesota Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival"
>> > classes until it gets cold enough.
>> >
>> > 80 below
>> > - Mt. St. Helens freezes.
>> > - People in Minnesota rent some videos.
>> >
>> > 100 below
>> > - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
>> > - Minnesotans get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg
>> >
>> > 297 below
>> > - Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
>> > - Cows in Minnesota complain about farmers with cold hands.
>> >
>> > 460 below
>> > - ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
>> > - People in Minnesota start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
>> >
>> > 500 below
>> > - Hell freezes over.
>> > - The Vikings win the Super Bowl!
Desert Amazon
Esse Quam Videri
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2000
- Posts
- 6,482
Desert Amazon
Esse Quam Videri
- Joined
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- Posts
- 6,482
Rodneyism's
Desert Amazon
Esse Quam Videri
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2000
- Posts
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The Golfer
Desert Amazon
Esse Quam Videri
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- Posts
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PacificBlue
Beautiful
- Joined
- Jul 11, 2001
- Posts
- 5,662
Chuckus said:
I heard a flight attendant do this on a flight to DFW once...was really funny!!!
BlondGirl
Aim for the Bullseye ; )
- Joined
- Dec 27, 2000
- Posts
- 2,092
If you REALLY wanna laugh your ass off, check out the "post a picture and add a caption" thread--it is one of the few that is well worth looking at every posting on every page!!!
(Be sure to go pee first or you will end up doing it at your desk in your pants--it is tooo funny!)
Oh, and if you are in the Lower Houston area and still need that drink, I'll buy you a cheap one.
; )
(This offer is only good for tonight though...)
(Be sure to go pee first or you will end up doing it at your desk in your pants--it is tooo funny!)
Oh, and if you are in the Lower Houston area and still need that drink, I'll buy you a cheap one.
; )
(This offer is only good for tonight though...)
