Husband watching gay porn - advice please

[liberatedslave]

I have a very good female friend who I'll call 'A' and I'd like to ask your opinions on her current situation. I'm at something of a loss as to how to advise her.

A has been married to 'M' for two years, they're both in their early thirties. They grew up together in the same town and have always been good friends but nothing happened between them until A's first marriage ended three years ago. They both live and wrk in London but lately M has been suffering from nasty 'cluster headaches' and has had to take sick days and stay at home. he's quite depressed about his health and the number of days he has to spend in bed with these headaches. They've both been at quite a low ebb as A has had a lot of problems at work and has since changed jobs.

They have one computer and each use a separate user account. A never felt the need to look at M's account. A few weeks ago she sat down to the computer and a load of porn pop-ups appeared. She closed them but when she went to type in a website address the auto-complete thingy and the history had a load of pornsite names in it. M had mistakenly used her user account to view hardcore gay porn.

A was shocked but left it and a few days later took an opportunity to look at M's user account. He had been viewing a lot of porn and all of it homosexual. A sat him down and told him what she knew. M swears that this has never gone past just viewing porn as A was worried he might be cheating on her.

M doesn't consider himself to be either gay or bisexual. He insists that he wants to be with A and that there is no threat to their marriage. She's concerned that if this is a compulsive thing with M, bottling it up and denying it will lead to trouble later on.

Is it at all plausible that M can want to regularly watch hardcore gay porn and yet be adamant that he has no desire to actually sleep with a man and no dissatisfaction with his wife? She wants so much to believe him that I'm very worried for her. M has since stopped viewing the porn but surely if those desires are present in him they're not just going to disappear?

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

Thankyou

 

[naughtyinsilk]

As each person is different and has there own desires its very difficult to give any kind of definitive answer but I would like to make the following comments.

Did M really use A's account to look at gay porn by mistake, or did he do it on purpose as a way of bringing the subject into the open?
It seems hard to believe that if someone wanted to keep this private that they would make such a simple mistake, and also would not be deleting their history, temp files etc at the end of the session.

Just because he is looking doesnt mean he may necessarily want to try it in reality, we all have fantasiesand sometimes we want them to stay that way.

The only way I think this is going to be resolved is through clear & honest communication between both of them, and if he is being honest in what he says, then A has nothing to be concerned about, and if on the other hand he is Bi, it is something they will have to deal with and figure out how far she is willing to let him experiment.

I hope it all works out in the end for them

 

[liberatedslave]

I hadn't considered that he used her account deliberately. I know next to nothing about computers so it seemed plausible to me.

 

[Tymeless]

they need to talk and set some ground rules for his behavior if they want this marriage to work.

 

[txboyalone]

I think she needs to consider that he may just be curious about a life style he knows nothing about. Why not explore it together. Naturally they need to set some limits. Most guys wonder how they compare to other guys. If your equipment is a normal size 5" to 6.5 " and you look at to many porn sites with all of the over sized models it can make you feel inadequate, she could help him understand that. If in fact he has latent gay of bi tendencies maybe she can help him work through those. At the same time he needs to think about her feelings. Does his interest in men make her feel inadequate as a lover and mate. If they can talk about these interest and desires with mutual respect then it can help but make the relationship stronger.

Just don’t over react. If you love someone and you have made a commitment to then I would think that it is important to work this out and not push it to the point that he begins to hide his interest. Being open and honest can lead to a stronger relationship and some great sex. I apologies I didn’t mean to sound like Dr. Phil.

 

[M's girl]

Like the others have said; there is only one sure way to find out and that is asking him. Although I can understand how he would deny it first if it was not his intention for her to find out. And even if this was his way of making the whole situation debatable, he may find it hard to lay all his cards on the table all at once. This whole situation may take some time to find out what's really going on.

He may of may not have deliberately used her account, leaving those traces. Happens to the best, no matter how much we try to hide our tracks sometimes.

I know what I would think, rightfully so or not.... If he watches gay porn exclusively there is no way he could ever convince me he was not at least contemplating ever trying it for real.

 

[txboyalone]

Another View

Then the question raises its ugly head, “Did he want to be caught?”

 

[M's girl]

Then the question raises its ugly head, “Did he want to be caught?”

She will probably never know - whatever he claims. Or at least it will take a long time for her to make up her mind whether she wants to believe him or not.

No matter how you toss and turn it: I find it to be a tad bit strange that he was watching porn (let alone gay porn) without her knowing it. I don't have to know all the time if my M is watching porn. I know he does and it's OK. I do it too and 99% of the time we watch it together if we do. The fact that he did this without her knowing about it tells me that he knew she would never accept it.

I think the trust between them is broken. Sadly, that's how it works when things like this happen...

 

[naughtyinsilk]

She will probably never know - whatever he claims. Or at least it will take a long time for her to make up her mind whether she wants to believe him or not.

No matter how you toss and turn it: I find it to be a tad bit strange that he was watching porn (let alone gay porn) without her knowing it. I don't have to know all the time if my M is watching porn. I know he does and it's OK. I do it too and 99% of the time we watch it together if we do. The fact that he did this without her knowing about it tells me that he knew she would never accept it.

I think the trust between them is broken. Sadly, that's how it works when things like this happen...

I really hope your wrong, I hope that there relationship is strong enough to be able to deal with this. And unless he is 100% honest with her, he doesnt stand a chance. A lot of people watch porn behind their partners back, the issue here is more the fact that it is gay porn he has been looking at. I also believe that he let her find out this way on purpose, maybe a cowardly way, but at least she now knows.

That all said, and although I do really hope your final paragraph is wrong, I know in my heart you are probably right. All we can do is hope that they themselves can come here onto the GLBT, and get some experienced and heartfelt advice to help them get through this with their relationship intact.

 

[M's girl]

A lot of people watch porn behind their partners back, the issue here is more the fact that it is gay porn he has been looking at.

I know. But that doesn't make it right. Of course I understand how that happens. It's mostly when one of the two does not care for porn or even forbids the other to watch it. Hard to say who is right in that case. I like porn, even the porn that I think is ruining some men's vision on how and what sex should be like (if they believe it to be the standard). But it gets me off and I can totally understand why men want to watch it. I also watch things I would never do or want in real life and some of those things turn me on big time.

In a way it's strange that women who like to watch girls getting it on together are not considered to be lesbian or bi at all per se, and men that like to watch gay porn are. Double standard and so on. But that's how it works, and like I said before: if my man suddenly started to watch a lot of gay porn I would most certainly at least raise my eyebrows!

 

[bgr]

dddddddddddddd

 

[M's girl]

People can over think things. I am fascinated and open to many different sexual ideas and concepts. My wife and I share our fantasies with each other and she knows given the right circumstance I might act on my bi tendancies and her as well acting on hers. But I believe that neither of us would do anything to harm the golden goose(our marriage). He is probably bored with his sex life and gets a woody looking at something that he considers taboo.

You are right. Could be that too. But it's just another option. But if he's bored with his sexlife there are many other ways to spice things up. There must be a reason for him resorting to this. And if it were straight porn it would be a different thing too, in my opinion.

 

[Minouners]

This is just out of my own experience. It might not be the same but it is of some relation.

I must say that I too have recently been watching more and more lesbian porn but my bf thinks that it's "hot". I know it's different when a man watches gay porn but from my perspective, it's because I want to be with a woman. Now I'm not saying that "M" is the same but it might be a probability.

I would suggest having an open discussion about it and maybe have a supervised session with him and another man. But that's up to "A".

The best of luck no matter what they decide. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

 

[Smuttboy2]

good advice given

As curious as I am now about doing a bi thing. I can't stand to watch gay porn. Turns me off for some reason.

Now with that said, I have watched it before, mostly from being bored with "common" porn. I feel the same about watching two women, it just don't do much for me. It confuses me greatly, knowing I am wanting to be with a guy again.

Soooo, it may be he is just bored and looking for something new, maybe just interested in seeing something he has only heard about. Maybe just killing time.

I know I hear "things" from time to time and have no idea what it means. I can know from the comversation that has to do with sex, either hetero or gay, but what some "things" really mean is beyond me. So I have looked at gay porn, to try and see what those "things" are. Or any porn to find out.

One more thought and I'll shut the hell up. He is ill right now, has he only started watching these flicks since then? It may be some med he is using that has him confused, or, maybe even letting him open up some. Like gettin a little high tends to do. He may be finding what he has held back from for some time.

Ok, I am done now. LOL

 

[Tymeless]

a guilty concience will always get caught!

 

[human_male]

I can only give my opinion, for what it's worth. I have no idea if he intended her to find out or not. But you both should be wary of making too big a deal about it. To put this plainly... looking at gay porn doesn't mean you're gay, necessarily. Fantasising about sex with men doesn't mean you want to actually go out and do it. A man looking at any kind of porn doesn't mean he's unhappy with his sex life.

A lot of women seem to be very insecure about their men looking at porn, and they really don't have to be. I can see how this would make someone doubly insecure, but again it may not mean anything. Really.

It would be a mistake for you and her to assume that because he's looking at gay porn, he's a closet gay, and it's only a matter of time until he goes out and does something. That is NOT necessarily the case.

She's had a talk with him and he's said he has no intention of doing anything in real life and that he wants to be with her. She's either going to believe him or not. I'm not saying he definately isn't gay, or isn't going out having sex with men. I don't know him. All I'm saying is she doesn't have to assume that.

Even if he does have gay or bi tendancies that's still no reason for her to be worried. It might even be something she can enjoy with him, but that's probably asking too much given her reaction to it.

 

[gargouille]

Watching gay porn doesn't mean he's gay; he could be bi, or curious or just in need of a new twist to get off. I also agree that it seems unlikely that he would sign in under her account when doing something if he wanted to keep it from her. It seems as if he might have done it "accidentally on purpose" to bring this out into the open. It's not the most above board way to do it, but maybe he couldn't think of another way. But when you're contemplating something that you fear your partner won't be able to support, sometimes it's easier to take a round-about way about it.

One of the things that would concern me is the part I snipped below. Basically, she signed into his account and spied on him. It seems like the two of them have a bigger issue to work on then his sexuality. They don't communicate well. He (possibly subconsciously) left a trail of evidence on the computer instead of talking to her, and she further complicated it by spying on him, instead of just talking to him. This doesn't bode well for their future. I know that A did sit him down and speak to him, after she gathered her evidence, but wouldn't it have been better to just ask him?

A was shocked but left it and a few days later took an opportunity to look at M's user account. He had been viewing a lot of porn and all of it homosexual. A sat him down and told him what she knew. M swears that this has never gone past just viewing porn as A was worried he might be cheating on her.

 

[Etoile]

Allow me to be another voice saying that just because you watch gay porn doesn't mean you are gay or even bi. People get turned on by all kinds of things that they wouldn't necessarily do in real life. I participated in a survey a while back about lesbian and bisexual women who enjoy gay male porn!

 

[aussie_ella]

Allow me to be another voice saying that just because you watch gay porn doesn't mean you are gay or even bi. People get turned on by all kinds of things that they wouldn't necessarily do in real life. I participated in a survey a while back about lesbian and bisexual women who enjoy gay male porn!

And I'm one of those bi girls! I find gay porn really hot for some reason. And I agree with a few of the posts here. She's either going to believe him, trust him, and stay with him. Or she's not. It's a leap of faith only she can make. But there's no use her deciding to stay with him if she's going to be watching for any annomaly, any little thing that might indicate he's out fucking guys. (sorry for crudeness, it's the Aussie in me!)

She needs to decide whethe she's going to be able to accept his word and carry on with the marriage, or not, and look at how that will manifest, whether that means the end of the relationship or whatever they decide.

 

[blueblood]

3rd Party Queries

I worked on suicide prevention line and one of things we learned about was how to handle I have a friend question. We always treated it as if the caller was the one with the problem. It's hard to offer advice about someone who knows someone who... Way too far removed for any meaningful discussion about the feelings of any of the parties involved. My short advice would be the guy should dump the woman and find someone male or female who won't blab about his personal business to a friend who will post it on the internet! Someone who will sneak into your computer account, to spy on you isn't great SO material. Rule one for any woman should be don't go into your man's smut pile unless you share all his kinks or willing to learn.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Allow me to be another voice saying that just because you watch gay porn doesn't mean you are gay or even bi. People get turned on by all kinds of things that they wouldn't necessarily do in real life. I participated in a survey a while back about lesbian and bisexual women who enjoy gay male porn!

japanese girls and Yaoi(m/m)

and my personal opinion
what right does she have to do anything about what he can and cant look at?
as my family aways says about things like this: you shouldn't care where they get the appetite as long as they eat at home.

I'd be more worried about why she's having a hard time dealing with it, not about the type of porn he's looking at

[edit]
and if he was smart he'd buy a cheap 20$ flash card and use firefox on it as it wont save history, cache, or temp info thus leaving scott free

 

[faulkner49]

what its worth

wife never seemed engaged in sex-I'm very sexual-she started a new job working with several lesbians. It started with her asking to described sex with others (women I'd been with) during intercourse. One day a co-worked (gay woman) invited her to spa. In SF on men days it is forbidden to be nude but on female days it is require. She went to spa with 3 gay women-story too long and hot to explain but she has made her choice. Leopard can't change its spots. Be happy for the partner. Takes great honety bravery to be oneself.

 

[blueblood]

She went to spa with 3 gay women-story too long and hot to explain but she has made her choice. Leopard can't change its spots. Be happy for the partner. Takes great honety bravery to be oneself.

I doubt a story like this could ever be too long or too hot. But tell us and we'll let you know.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

My friends giggle at me because of my reading and viewing habits. I'll watch and read lesbian stories and porn (Yuri in Japanese) but as far as other things, I find yaoi to be incredibly hot. That said - what makes it odd? Guys frighten me in a sexual sense, so I find it safe when watching or reading the yaoi.

As far as this M is concerned, there's been a lot of good advice given. It could be he's curious. It could be he's bored and wants something different. As long as it's not illegal stuff (and we all know what I'm referring to there), then she shouldn't be too worried. Besides...viewing it is one thing. Tell her to check and see if there are any BBS sites (like this) that he's hit. Cookies are easy to check.

 

[pinkstarfish]

Allow me to be another voice saying that just because you watch gay porn doesn't mean you are gay or even bi. People get turned on by all kinds of things that they wouldn't necessarily do in real life. I participated in a survey a while back about lesbian and bisexual women who enjoy gay male porn!

I agree.

I love gay male porn.

The best thing to do would be to talk about it in a calm, rational manner. If "A" has questions, she has every right to get answers from her husband.