Hurt: a shameless plea for reads & feedback

[Nasha]

I've been dishing it out a lot lately, so if anyone wants to see if I can take it, here's your chance.

Hurt is a work-in progress, and any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated, as I'm gearing up to do some revising.

Votes and comments are good too, though.

 

[fcdc]

The story is very well-written, and the narrations of two different people, with different motivations, is handled quite well. The slow buildup to the sex scene was worth the read, and the description of sex itself was nice, vivid, and - most importantly. - in-character, which is tough to do.

Solid difference between Vanka and Galen's narrations - I could tell that you had different people speaking, with different vocabularies and paces of thought, and yet it didn't seem forced and I could hear a constancy of voice within - definitely written by the same person.

The handling of cancer, of death, of gore, of the zillion different things that turn people on, is respectful and understandable, in the situation. The story could very, very easily have gone the other way and been a major turnoff - you've pulled off a nice balancing act, and done it subtly.

Good job!

Edits:

Nice starting line. I would however split it into two sentences: '... pinking already with sudden tears. Wetness (or some better word) gathered along the pale edges etc. etc. haze. To me, that reads a bit more easily.

The OOOOO as a scenebreak distracts me, because I read it as 'ooh!' - I would change it to pound signs (#) or dashes (-) - pound signs are the industry standard, but dashes are easily parsed as well.

The 'Willing' sentence has a few too many clauses after it for readability. I know you're trying to get a driving rhythm there, but I would suggest subtly breaking that up too.

'Abandoned by the canine chimera' reads a bit too showily.

'wrestled the thing' - 'thing' sounds thudding. 'Motorcycle' wouldn't be repetitive instead.

Yeah, right. should be italicized, although that could be the submission's problem, not the story's.

'House-sitting' should be thus, or a compound word.

'Circa 1960' - if there is a point to that being a sentence fragment, it didn't come through.

'So she wasn't clueless' - remove comma.

'Mascarad' is awkward, and doesn't work as an adjective. 'Mascara-lined'?

'Sang-froid' should be in italics and hyphenated.

'frilly panties on special occasions.' needs a period.

'Hillcrest Boulevard from his knee' I think should be spelled out. 'Blvd.', even though it's the name of the street, jarred me nonetheless.

"Half ready to go, she ran her fingers'

'thwapping of the rain, she heard'

"Aren't you cold out here, with no jacket?" - double quotes, as it's dialogue, even if imagined dialogue.

'out of her hand, his body drove hers forward etc. barrier. His chest was against her back,' - You're missing a comma, and I would split the sentences there.

Feeling... dominated. - space after ellipsis, if it's not the . . . style.

'When he did it again, she whimpered'

'Smooth face, void of expression.'

Having Galen 'trot' back to the car seems weirdly emasculating. Could just be something that twigs only me, but it made him seem cartoonish for a moment.

"So, should I call your doctor for you?" - I would suggest adding a dialogue tag or two here, as I lost track of who was speaking until "Vanka?" - and as the stitches are an important point, it would be nice to more easily parse those statements.

'between his fingers, he slowly pulled'

'He understood now. Why she'd come in' should be more fluid - I would make that one whole sentence, as the choppiness takes away rather than adds. First sentence fragment I really had a problem with, though.

'When she settled down, he realized'

'Mad dogs with Cujo complexes' is genuinely funny, but the joke feels unwarranted where it is. Could you put it when they're first meeting, perhaps, as something to distract from the pain? People often make gallows-humor jokes when faced with dire sitations, after all.

'His palm slid over her warm, soft skin' - sentence is a little too long and I lose track.

'for how it was all going, her every little sigh'

'so long that he knew she'd be wet'

'Thrilled where it counted by the feeling'

'Wet sucking sound'

'Stunned, not caught up yet with the three-sixty things had taken since their last sweet kiss in the bedroom,' - confusing. 'Not caught up yet with the sixty-three things that had taken place since their last sweet kiss in the bedroom,' maybe?

'Twenty-seven.'

'Then dipped the finger into his mouth.' or 'He dipped the finger into his mouth.'

'With a directing glance' - new paragraph.

'The look of someone who knows' - not Galen's narrative voice, but the author's.

'like you'd call the name of someone lost in a dream as you woke' - ditto here.

'With excruciating sensitivity, her cunt felt the slow progress of his cock as he pulled out' - scans a bit better IMO.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Hi Nasha....

......I have some things I need to get to so I only read the first page to get a sense of the story. I'm as much a neophyte at critiquing as I am at writing, and don't have anything to add from the post above. I thought the characters were very interesting and am looking forward to how it all plays out when I go back to read more. Agree you pulled off making a first aid scene very erotic, much better than Marion/Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark (comparison NOT meant as an insult lol)

I don't think Cerberus is THAT obscure, heck I'm practically illiterate and I knew who he was. That he's got three heads made me wonder what the precise comparison was, and wondered if there was an obscure one-header that might fit a bit better. (Rin Tin Fucking Tin??)

Thanks again for your comments earlier.....

 

[Nasha]

The story is very well-written, and the narrations of two different people, with different motivations, is handled quite well. The slow buildup to the sex scene was worth the read, and the description of sex itself was nice, vivid, and - most importantly. - in-character, which is tough to do.

Solid difference between Vanka and Galen's narrations - I could tell that you had different people speaking, with different vocabularies and paces of thought, and yet it didn't seem forced and I could hear a constancy of voice within - definitely written by the same person.

The handling of cancer, of death, of gore, of the zillion different things that turn people on, is respectful and understandable, in the situation. The story could very, very easily have gone the other way and been a major turnoff - you've pulled off a nice balancing act, and done it subtly.

Good job!

Thank you. And thanks for leaving a PC on the story, too.

Thanks also for taking the time to comb through and point out all those edits--that'll be phenomenally helpful as I go through, revising.

I'm pleased to see you've got something up in the Story Discussion Circle; I look forward to reading and discussing.

 

[Nasha]

......I have some things I need to get to so I only read the first page to get a sense of the story. I'm as much a neophyte at critiquing as I am at writing...

Oh, don't be shy. You don't have to be a seasoned critic; your reactions as a reader are valid and helpful.

Agree you pulled off making a first aid scene very erotic, much better than Marion/Indy in Raiders of the Lost Ark (comparison NOT meant as an insult lol)

Hey, what's not erotic about digging asphalt out of a guy's knee?

I don't think Cerberus is THAT obscure, heck I'm practically illiterate and I knew who he was. That he's got three heads made me wonder what the precise comparison was, and wondered if there was an obscure one-header that might fit a bit better. (Rin Tin Fucking Tin??)

Hmmm...I wonder if the rabid dog in "To Kill a Mockingbird" had a name?

Thanks for the feedback--it's much appreciated.

-Nasha

 

[writelove]

Nasha,

I read your latest chapter. This was the first time I have read any of your work. It was good, extremely good. The dialog, the descriptions, all of it.

You combine the erotic with solid story telling in a way that few others do. Your voice is powerful. I was gripped by the story and didn't notice any minor defects along the way. I didn't want to stop for that kind of analysis. I will need to re-read it for that and don't particularly want to do that.

The opening scene of Chapter 9 held me immediately. You have such clarity as to the life of a person on chemo as to have experienced it or lived with someone who has.

 

[fcdc]

Thank you. And thanks for leaving a PC on the story, too.

Thanks also for taking the time to comb through and point out all those edits--that'll be phenomenally helpful as I go through, revising.

I'm pleased to see you've got something up in the Story Discussion Circle; I look forward to reading and discussing.

Sure thing! Comments = love, no matter how tough. Sorry for all the edits, but I tend to keep a running list when people ask for that sort of thing, so. (Out of curiosity, was there a point to 'circa 1960' being a fragment? I kind of had a feeling that there was a joke there that I didn't get, but oh well.)

 

[Nasha]

Nasha,

I read your latest chapter. This was the first time I have read any of your work. It was good, extremely good. The dialog, the descriptions, all of it.

You combine the erotic with solid story telling in a way that few others do. Your voice is powerful. I was gripped by the story and didn't notice any minor defects along the way. I didn't want to stop for that kind of analysis. I will need to re-read it for that and don't particularly want to do that.

The opening scene of Chapter 9 held me immediately. You have such clarity as to the life of a person on chemo as to have experienced it or lived with someone who has.

Wow. Thanks, writelove.
All your praise is lovely to hear, but I'm especially pleased you felt I handled the chemo element well.
Thanks so much for having a look and taking the time to give me your comments.
-Nasha

 

[Nasha]

Sure thing! Comments = love, no matter how tough. Sorry for all the edits, but I tend to keep a running list when people ask for that sort of thing, so. (Out of curiosity, was there a point to 'circa 1960' being a fragment? I kind of had a feeling that there was a joke there that I didn't get, but oh well.)

Please, no apologies for the edits! It's great to get such detailed feedback, in addition to the broader impressions.

As for that intriguing little fragment, no it had no special meaning beyond my attempt to voice thought in a style that captures that process, somewhat. Since we don't tend to think to ourselves in complete sentences, I often do that in narration from a character's POV.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Chapter One......

I'm totally hetero and by the end of the first chapter I was ready to fuck Galen lol....

Any To Kill a Mockingbird reference that doesn't include Boo Radley is a good one!

Your story reminds me how much I wish I had more time to read, I was thoroughly captivated and interested in both characters. The story definitely passes the "story I'd like to be reading on a plane to take my mind off the awful fucking turbulence" test. I felt happy, sad, reflective, turned on, intruiged pretty much the entire time.

Interesting when you mentioned him telling her what to do....but not like an order (I'm doing a shit job paraphrasing)....about a page earlier I felt as though that's exactly what he was doing, that he'd pretty gone Sgt. Carter on her. I was expected her to reply with a Gomer Pyle-ish "Gee Seargant" at any moment. But as I said earlier, I'da succombed as well (kidding!)

Don't want this to turn into "Pussy Talk"....I'm not fond of the word "cunt", at least not when describing "the bits" in a non-derogatory fashion, though I'd have gotten sick of seeing pussy that many times as well. Kinda pick your poison I guess.

Speaking of body parts, I'd argue on the first page his "butt" hits the pavement, not his ass. I don't think his butt should become his ass until she grabs it.

Again, personal tastes here.

I'd be happy to give feedback on another chapter if you want. Is there one in particular you'd like comments on? (assuming they can be read non-consecutively?)

Thanks for the "stir"

Oh, don't be shy. You don't have to be a seasoned critic; your reactions as a reader are valid and helpful.



Hey, what's not erotic about digging asphalt out of a guy's knee?



Hmmm...I wonder if the rabid dog in "To Kill a Mockingbird" had a name?

Thanks for the feedback--it's much appreciated.

-Nasha

 

[christabelll]

I read hurt...

Holy cow...
gripping. torturous. sad. very erotic.
You write extremely well. so very compelling.
I wish I had more time to tell you more of my impressions...
All I can say is MFG!
Incredible...

 

[Nasha]

I'm totally hetero and by the end of the first chapter I was ready to fuck Galen lol....

Happy to have broadened the vista for ya.

Any To Kill a Mockingbird reference that doesn't include Boo Radley is a good one!

Now, now, there's no cause to be afeared of a man, just 'cause he's different from you.

Your story reminds me how much I wish I had more time to read, I was thoroughly captivated and interested in both characters. The story definitely passes the "story I'd like to be reading on a plane to take my mind off the awful fucking turbulence" test. I felt happy, sad, reflective, turned on, intruiged pretty much the entire time.

Wow, am I flattered. I'm not sure Galen actually fucking me could take my mind off bad turbulence.

Interesting when you mentioned him telling her what to do....but not like an order (I'm doing a shit job paraphrasing)....about a page earlier I felt as though that's exactly what he was doing, that he'd pretty gone Sgt. Carter on her. I was expected her to reply with a Gomer Pyle-ish "Gee Seargant" at any moment. But as I said earlier, I'da succombed as well (kidding!)

I try to slip in those oblique Gomer Pyle references early and often to pump up the erotic heat.

And now, back to Pussy Talk with ninefe2dg and Nasha

I'm not fond of the word "cunt", at least not when describing "the bits" in a non-derogatory fashion, though I'd have gotten sick of seeing pussy that many times as well. Kinda pick your poison I guess.

Indeed. For whatever reason, "pussy" sounds more porny to me than "cunt" does, but I realize those words have very different connotations to different people.

I'd be happy to give feedback on another chapter if you want. Is there one in particular you'd like comments on? (assuming they can be read non-consecutively?)

I'm far too greedy to turn down such a generous offer. I'd love to get some feedback on either chapter three or chapter four. However, both of those have a fairly strong non-consent element to them, so if that's off-putting, I could use some input onchapter five as well. I think they're all pretty readable without having read all the preceding chapters. Thanks!!

Thanks for the "stir"

You're most welcome, and thank you for the flattering and helpful comments.

-Nasha

 

[Nasha]

Holy cow...
gripping. torturous. sad. very erotic.
You write extremely well. so very compelling.
I wish I had more time to tell you more of my impressions...
All I can say is MFG!
Incredible...

Damn, thanks! This will go in my little file of things to re-read when I get discouraged.

 

[Nasha]

A new chapter is up; Vanka gets herself a double dildo, masturbates with it, then tries it on her lover.

Reads, votes, comments and constructive criticism would be much appreciated!

 

[Nasha]

It's almost over!
The penultimate chapter of Hurt posted today.

Constructive criticism is always appreciated. And I wouldn't say 'no' to votes and comments, either.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

It's almost over!
The penultimate chapter of Hurt posted today.

Constructive criticism is always appreciated. And I wouldn't say 'no' to votes and comments, either.

I'm still making my way through the first chapters. I like your writing, and I like the story.

 

[ninefe2dg]

Read Ch 5.....

.......so I no doubt missed some things (read 1 and 5). It's a very interesting story to me. Your narrative really captivates me, to the extent I sometimes wish the characters wouldn't talk so much! I find myself skimming during longer conversations but that could just be my problem, I do that in real life!

I think I'm over my brief man-crush on Galen Ross, he'll never leave Khalid lol!

You could write sexy/erotic without sex scenes. You're that good. Have you ever done that?

I'd read more of this if I had the time, but as I said, your descriptions just jump off the page to me. I'm not trying to blow sunshine up your skirt, I distract easily, but the narrative really has my attention. Dialogue a little less so. Not sure I'd change it, maybe just a little less of it??

Thanks for the ride

 

[Nasha]

I'm still making my way through the first chapters. I like your writing, and I like the story.

Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying it.

 

[Nasha]

...Your narrative really captivates me, to the extent I sometimes wish the characters wouldn't talk so much! I find myself skimming during longer conversations but that could just be my problem, I do that in real life!

I think I'm over my brief man-crush on Galen Ross, he'll never leave Khalid lol!

You could write sexy/erotic without sex scenes. You're that good. Have you ever done that?

...your descriptions just jump off the page to me. I'm not trying to blow sunshine up your skirt, I distract easily, but the narrative really has my attention. Dialogue a little less so. Not sure I'd change it, maybe just a little less of it??

Thanks for the ride

Thanks for the feedback.

Yes, there's a LOAD of talking in chapter five, namely Khalid's big monologue, which essentially turns into a piece of narration, in itself. I do that in a couple places in the story, with him, in part as a way of revealing backstory, and in part because I've chosen never to go inside Khalid's head in the narration, as I do with Vanka and Galen, so his bits of storytelling are a chance to get a glimpse of his thoughts. But I do find myself fretting that I'm letting him go on too long.

Was that mainly when your interest waned? Or do you mean the dialogue between the characters more generally?

And no, I haven't written anything fictional without explicit sex scenes. I'm getting increasingly bored with writing those scenes, though, so expect my writing will evolve to have fewer of those, in future.

Again, thanks for taking the time to read, and for both the compliments and the constructive criticisms.

-Nasha

 

[ninefe2dg]

Thanks for the feedback.

My pleasure!

Yes, there's a LOAD of talking in chapter five, namely Khalid's big monologue, which essentially turns into a piece of narration, in itself. I do that in a couple places in the story, with him, in part as a way of revealing backstory, and in part because I've chosen never to go inside Khalid's head in the narration, as I do with Vanka and Galen, so his bits of storytelling are a chance to get a glimpse of his thoughts. But I do find myself fretting that I'm letting him go on too long.

Was that mainly when your interest waned? Or do you mean the dialogue between the characters more generally?

Actually, it was more the dialogue. I felt like I could anticipate what they were saying (though I was wrong much of the time, maybe I'm just a sentence finisher lol!). As I said, the narration is riveting (sorry for the dimestore paperback please buy me adjective!), so maybe I'm comparing the dialogue to that standard that you set. I don't think the dialogue is bad. Just not riveting! And it wasn't "oh just shut up and fuck already either", re my point below....(I dunno, maybe some stupid small talk, maybe the chatting is too heavy?? Food for thought, not a suggestion)

And no, I haven't written anything fictional without explicit sex scenes. I'm getting increasingly bored with writing those scenes, though, so expect my writing will evolve to have fewer of those, in future.

Yeah, I've only written 10 or so myself and I'm ready to default to the hermaphroditic space alien with three tits and two dicks just to keep my own interest up. You write sexy and am quite confident you can do that w/o explicit sex scenes.