Humor

Juliangel

Georgia's Juiciest Peach, ...and my nectar dribble
Joined
Sep 5, 2000
Posts
6,194
Ok I am board so I started going through some of my disks I have jokes saved on and thought I would share some.

WordPerfect
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the
help desk employee was fired; however, the employee is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause." This is from the
taped conversation leading up to dismissal.

"WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect"
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went
away"
"Went away?"
"They disappeared"
"Hmmmm... So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing"
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type!"
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I
type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know"
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so"
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
"Yes, it is"
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable"
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer"
"I can't reach"
"Un huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because
it's dark"
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming
through the window"
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't"
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet"
"Good, Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then....I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
 
Stupid Criminals

Kidnappers, who abducted Gildo dos Santos near his factory in a suburb of Sao Paulo, demanded $690,000, but Santos escaped. The next day, Santos got a phone call asking for $11,500 to defray the cost of the abduction. After negotiating a discount of 50 percent, Santos called police, who were waiting when Luiz Carlos Valerio showed up to collect payment.

A terrified woman on the edge of tears is testifying on how she was beaten and robbed by a couple of toughs. The prosecutor turns to the tearful woman and asks, "Are the two perpetrators of this terrible crime present?" The 2 defendants raise their hand and say, "Here!"

Several employees of a large (un-named) aerospace company decide to rob a bank on their lunch hour (Figuring that the police would never look for them at the plant). Of course, they forgot to remove their ID badges while they were robbing the bank! (And I thought wearing mine into the grocery store was embarrassing.)

Boston, Massachusetts
A "Einstein protege" had been "casing" a particular bank for several days, waiting for just the right moment to rob it. He went through the customer line, and as he walked up to the teller's window, he produced a handgun and announced in a very loud voice "THIS IS A HOLDUP, NOBODY MOVE!" Much to his chagrin, the next five people in line at the bank were armed FBI agents on their lunch break and attempting to cash their paychecks. He quickly surrendered with no shots fired. His fabulous "casing" job had failed to notice the FBI Field Office two doors away from the bank.

A small gang of robbers from Gastonia, NC (Known in the area as not having the most intelligent residents) robbed an armored car in Charlotte, a neighboring city. They pulled it off getting an extremely large amount of money. The thieves were apprehended after a couple in the little group decided to move from their old trailer park and buy a $500,000 house paying in cash.

Maryland
A local bank here used to have a night depository box on the sidewalk, which was in a mall parking lot. One night a group of men decided that they were going to hook a chain to it and pull it from the concrete in their 4-wheel drive. Upon gunning the vehicle the rear bumper pulled off of the truck and it made so much noise they got scared and left, leaving the bumper chained the box, which never even budged. Guess what was on the bumper. The license plate. Mall security arrived a few minutes later and called the police. The police were waiting for the men at the truck owner's house before they even got home.

Rochester, New York
John Schieman, 37, was charged with robbery, assault and grand larceny after his intended victim, Robin Van Bortle, 32, beat him with an anti-theft device known as the Club. She told police she was attaching it to her car steering wheel in suburban Rochester, New York, when Schieman tried to force his way into her car, so she "just started to hit him with it."


An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed

Chicago, IL
Police in Chicago sent Cubs tickets to people with outstanding arrest warrants. When they arrived to the game, they were promptly arrested.


Police in Bari, Italy, arrested a man suspected of snatching handbags to finance his drug addiction after he sped past one woman on his motorcycle and snatched her purse. The woman was his mother, who recognized him and reported him, said a police spokesperson, adding, "We were rather surprised by the whole episode, I must admit."

Belgian prosecutor Marc Florens was surprised to see a defendant wearing a familiar-looking jacket. It was his, having been taken, along with a camera and some money, during a burglary of his home. The defendant, who had been charged with theft in Bruges, claimed to have bought the jacket in Paris, but the label proved it belonged to Florens, who got it back and turned over the current trial to another prosecutor.

In Fredericksburg, Texas, there is a local ne'er-do-well. His criminal acts include such gems as offering to send a bomb to the local District Attorney, and assaulting the girl's basketball coach during an argument about his daughter's game. Mostly, though, he upsets the local cops by committing some minor infraction, and then racing home to his junkyard (a genuine junkyard), locking the gates and refusing to come out and be arrested. In order to avoid a Waco-type standoff, they mostly just let him stay inside. One day, however, a worker at the courthouse noticed that this guy's name came up on the list to be sent a summons for jury duty. She mentioned to the Sheriff that she should just throw it away, right? And the Sheriff told her to send it anyway. Lo and behold, on the day the jury convened, who should show up but our hero, who was promptly arrested and hauled off to jail. Guess you can't let a little fear of arrest stop you from performing your patriotic duties
 
The Three Corporate Lessons:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit
saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing
all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped
on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey,"but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung
and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the
first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull... might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm
it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops s... on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s... is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep s..., keep your mouth shut
 
The Final
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the
next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?
 
30 Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahhhh, it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow, and your feet are so big.

8. It's OK, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no... a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. It looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
 
Advice for the Pregnant Couple
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose
as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my
feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during
pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to
bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
on labor?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and
a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see
me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast
and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
 
Baseball

A man moves from Scotland to the U.S. and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un, yah
bahstard. R-r-r-un!"

A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "RRRun. ya bahstard, rrrun, will ya." The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls, "Take your base". The Scotsman stands up, yelling "RRRun ya bahstard, rrrun!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers "He
doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with prrride, man!"
 
Funny, but the first one, at least, isn't true, it's a cyber legend and I've seen it in various versions since the mid 80s.
 
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,

"What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down
there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply,

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
 
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. Thanks to John Sedgwick for this report.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked (lol) for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
 
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman
was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini
skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tired to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the
tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped
the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable
to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the
line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the
step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero
screeching at him

"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I wouldagree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends. "
 
This is something either of my boys could have done
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes,," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me"
 
Ok done for now will save the rest for other days, I have to go fix dinner. Feel free to add any you have.
 
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