Humor and music

[cantdog]

sweetsubsarahh posted theis joke in another thread:

Do you wanna know a bad cor anglais joke?

What's the difference between an English horn solo and wetting your pants?

Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.

So here we are.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

There are plenty more.

Why is a drummer like a cat by the screen door?

They don't know when to come in.

Heh.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer.

 

[cantdog]

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh, they have a machine that does that now.

 

[cantdog]

The first viola was urgently wishing to speak to the second violin.

Grigor! The maestro was at your house last night.

The maestro!? At my house!?

Yes, yes, but it's not good, Grigor

At my house!! This is wonderful.

But he hanged your dog from the cherry out front! He fucked your wife! He and your wife have gone to Daytona together for the weekend! They burnt your house and car so you could not follow! He will dump her in Florida and sell your daughter into prostitution in Santo Domingo, he knows a man there who procures!

The maestro! At my house!!

 

[NoJo]

Ronnie Scott (the Jazz club owner and sax player) used to do legendary funny warm-ups.

One of his jokes I remember was

[Famous Jazz Musician] went into his local public library and shouted: "Pint of bitter and a double vodka, mate!"

Librarian says: "Excuse me sir, this is a library!"

"Oh, sorry: Pint of bitter and a double vodka, mate..."

 

[NoJo]

Another jazz joke:

Bandleader to dep drummer: "...And then we have to play 'God Save The Queen'.

Drummer looks blank.

Bandleader gets worried: "You do know, 'God Save The Queen', don't you?"

Drummer says, "Yeah, I fucking know it. It's in 4/4 time."

Bandleader says: "Er, no, it's it 3/4, mate."

Dep drummer; "No, it's in four: 'God saving our fucking gra-cious queen, long live our fucking no-ble queen...'"