Humbly requesting to be criticised

[katarina dewitt]

I was looking through the thread advertising new stories, and got kind of scared just looking at who was posting in there... so rather than toss this in there with stuff that can be safely assumed to be interesting, I thought I'd place it separately

Some feedback on my two submitted works would be nice, though I admit criticism is nicer because it always sounds more honest

PS: Not much sex, so if that turns you off... forget I asked.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=125360
(just approved today, may contain some obscure anime references that might be hard to understand)

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=109678
(much older, it's more of an attempt at comedy than at something really erotic)

Thanks in advance to all those who care to spend their time reading.

 

[Guest]

Cosplay Complex

 

[katarina dewitt]

As you can see, focus and consistency are some things I'm working on Along with getting the balance right in walking the line between "minimalist" and "what the hell are you talking about, writer dude?" ... and characterisation... and the tendency to overuse ellipses...

Still, it always helps for someone else to tell you what's wrong, since you often have a hard time seeing it yourself. Thanks a lot for taking the time.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Regarding “Cosplay”—

You write well, so that’s not an issue, but the story is disappointing because the real star is the dress, and we never get to see it or know what it looks like. It’s a fetish story without the fetish, and I was really shocked when I got to the end and realized that, apart from knowing that it was made out of some velvet-like material and had a skirt that came to mid thigh, you weren’t going to tell us anything more. I’m not a fetishist myself, and so I don’t know if fans would be content with a story in which there’s a fetish with no sex, but I really doubt anyone would be happy with a fetish story in which there’s no fetish either.

Aside from that, I think his hesitation about admitting his secret goes on for too long. Really, being into Anime is not really very shocking. He might be a little embarrassed about making clothes in his spare time, but he’s way too worried about her reaction. I know you want to make him different than her other guys (I think there’s too much mention of her other guys too. She seems obsessed), but I’ll bet the guy who wanted to stick the cucumber up her ass didn’t mope around about asking her to do it half as much as Sam does about something that's very tame by comparison. I was ready for Sam to want to do something really kinky with her: golden showers or putting him in diapers or something.

I was kind of bewildered about the floor business too. He has a floor made of unglazed tiles? Was that kinky or something? Or did it have something to do with anime? I didn't understand the attention you and she gave to his floor.

As I say, you write well, and there’s some good stuff in here (I liked her getting aroused when he was measuring her) but I think you kind of wasted your talents on this one. It was mild for Literotica in the first place, and without a fetish payoff, it was robbed of what residual heat it might have had.

---dr.M.

 

[katarina dewitt]

It’s a fetish story without the fetish

Which is why I originally submitted it as Romance, but it ended up in the Fetish corner anyway as it wasn't romantic enough *laughs at self*

No, I'm not good at writing sex yet, I'm learning, and the next one will be better (I hope). Not being a very visual person when it comes to words doesn't help. Not having actually done what you're writing about is worse still.

The floor: I don't know about how floors are generally like; from my impressions so far in Europe people have wooden varnished floors or cold stone floors, both of which I find very inhospitable as I come from a tropical country and we tropical people have the habit of walking barefoot indoors. Of course, there's rich people with marble floors... but I digress. One of the things that's really missing from the comfortable European home (IMHO) is a floor that's nice to walk on. Varnished wood is icky. Stone is... real cold (imagine waking up and swinging your feet off the bed and placing them on the floor... ouch). I like terrazo floors... or anyway, a floor that isn't perfectly smooth, yet not rough. Very nice on the feet.

With all this talk about floors, someone is going to right a floor fetish story next.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

That's fascinating about floors. I confess I never gave it that much thought.

We usually cover out floors with carpet anyhow.

---dr.M.

 

[BrianFrancisFerguson]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=116608

...you show me mine, i'll show you yours, dear...

-brianfrancisferguson

 

[SlaveMasterUK]

I just had a read of Cosplay Complex...

Anime in the UK is very hard to come by and I don't hang around in the right circles to see anything worth watching. But I do have a thing for Hentai, even if good stuff is getting harder to find on the web these days.

But anyway, back to the story. The progression was good, as was the grammar and spelling for the most part, which seems to be a rare thing these days.

Onto the story telling, I really didn't get a feeling of how Vivian *really* felt about the situation with Sam. I didn't really know whether he was that important to her or not, nor did I know just how nervous / worried / concerned she was about the whole Anime thing. But let's face it - is it really that big a deal? He likes to look at drawings, so what? He likes to dress his girlfriends up, so what? I'm not so sure that it's really worth all the fuss, particularly as Vivian professes not to be Little Miss Innocent anyway.

Onto the sex, which was pretty much skipped over - that's not a problem in my opinion, but it may cost you votes from people looking for a stroke story. I think you did pretty well there, because it managed to be realistic and erotic without being exceptionally graphic; in the right context, a scene like that could be acceptable in a published work without being consigned to the Adult shelf.

And I'd also like you to know that you had me laughing out loud at "Look what's happened - now this has become a scene out of one of those hentai games where the protagonist sees a blurred bit between the girl's legs!" reminds me of all the Hentai pics on my hard disk

ax

 

[SlaveMasterUK]

Regarding "Dead Girls Don't Say No"

woah... I really did not know what to make of that to start with. I'm glad you told me it was supposed to be a comedy from the start though, as there's a chance I could have back-clicked from the first mention of... well... I thought I was open minded, but I can't even bring myself to say it...

But I'm a sucker for a good ending, and you sucker'd me big-time

I'd say the same as others have mentioned about your other story though - it really could benefit with a little more detail. Not just in terms of sex, which was I think was pretty much right for the context of the story, but for the build-up - I wanted to know more about the driver really, not lots and lots of background and history but a little more about his actions, what he did, how he felt, what was going through his mind. Did he ever worry about getting caught? How much money was he really making? Did he get a sense of exhileration out of cheating dumb rich kids, or was it something he was doing by necessity? Did it make his heart pound and his skin sweat in nervous anticipation of what he was going to do? That's the sort of thing I wanted to know.

It was pretty kinky the way the girl got turned on by the treatment from the rich kid. That's the kind of "psychological porn" that gets to me - where sexual attention is so precise that it becomes impossible to ignore and the brain goes into lust mode, forgetting everything but the intensity of the moment.

ax