Humbly Requesting Feedback

[The_Fractal_King]

So far this story has generated just seven votes and one comment, if any of you have time I would love to hear anything good or bad y'all have to say about it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=360705


If you're interested (god knows why) the story begins here.

 

[Lalah]

Only seven votes?! That's really surprising, how many views did it get so far? I'd suggest you find better story descriptions, yours aren't very descriptive of your stories. You might get more readers if they had more info.

As for the text. There's many tense problems, missing words, and typos in general. For example here is the second line: James' embraced knocked Shanon onto the grass. I had to guess at what you meant there. You really need someone to proof read your texts before uploading them.

About the story itself. I only skimmed it, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. It seemed interesting, and I have to admit the ending made me curious. Now I want to know what's in the diary. But you have to work on your writing skill to make the story come out better.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Only seven votes?! That's really surprising, how many views did it get so far? I'd suggest you find better story descriptions, yours aren't very descriptive of your stories. You might get more readers if they had more info.

I always worry about giving away too much in the description but (looking at them now) I can see what you mean.

As for the text. There's many tense problems, missing words, and typos in general. For example here is the second line: James' embraced knocked Shanon onto the grass. I had to guess at what you meant there. You really need someone to proof read your texts before uploading them.

*dies of shame*

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

About the story itself. I only skimmed it, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. It seemed interesting, and I have to admit the ending made me curious. Now I want to know what's in the diary. But you have to work on your writing skill to make the story come out better.

Thanks!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Ah, I remember this from when you asked for feedback on the first chapter.

It's not really my kind of thing. I've never been able to fathom out the master/pet thing so the characters are always going to seem a little alien to me. They might be spot on, I just wouldn't know it.

There are a lot of typos. The sentence Lalah pointed out is especially unfortunate as it comes so close to the start there's a good chance any new readers are going to think 'not another badly written story' and proceed straight to the back button.

It's a shame as the rest of the story seemed to flow smoothly to me. It didn't feel like an uphill battle to get to the end even though the subject didn't really interest me. I quite liked the scene where the guy had a panic attack over throwing a ball back.

You need to pay closer attention to the typos though. Rereading a story over and over often fails to spot them as by that point you're reading what you think is on the page rather than what's actually on the page. Finding a fresh pair of eyes or leaving alone for a day or two can get round that.

As before I didn't really feel the urge to read the rest of the series. It caters for a niche I don't belong to. I don't really know how you could broaden its appeal outside of that niche to be honest.

 

[tubulin]

I'm really liking this story, but yeah, some typo-checking would be a good idea.

I have a hard-on for copyediting, so PM me sometime if you'd like me to read over something for you.

Love,
tubulin

 

[Scribbles]

Hi, I'm in the same boat as some others in that puppy-play just isn't my thing, and I found the errors a bit of a glitch in reading. That said, I liked the story well enough. I cared about the characters. I found the agrophobia convincing and very well used to examine D/s - that was my favourite element. I liked the bit of exhibitionism, although the thing about a tail was rather lost on me. The effect of denial was well done - and I often don't find that easy to get either. I loved the puzzle over the absence of dinner, and the involvement of Tom at the end which I thought grounded the story nicely.

I'd have given it a higher score if it was *either* a bigger turn-on, or if the issues were developed more. I'd rather have one or the other, but I guess that's just me and most readers on here need some more arousing content.

All this from a complete beginner, but I'm not a beginner at reading!

 

[Noira]

I have to agree, I loved the momentary twist of paranoia from the dom-character. A lot of what I'd have to say has already been said... a few errors, I'd go with the guy up there who gets a hardon for copy-editing, it would add to your story.

And I don't know. It wasn't badly written, what it lacked was description. It began rather abbruptly and frequently lacked in descriptive elements, though I found the character personalities fairly convincing. However, I felt there was no motive for her to want to be his pet--I guess it's because it's in the middle of a story--but she felt a bit spineless to me, though she did a good job of convincing me she was his pet. Just motiveless so it was a bit too dry.

It was a curiously interesting story, relatively well done and you pulled off most of the elements very well. The phobia bit, the exibitionism. Unlike the others, I liked that it wasn't a 'stroke' story. It didn't turn me on, but it used the sexual atmosphere in a way that attracted me to the story and characters rather than the sex. To me, it was a real form of erotica. A story containing and revolving around a sexual theme, but not being pornographic. Simply an adult story.

I have to admit the ending made me curious. Now I want to know what's in the diary.

That.

Better written and you would've gotten a 5/5 from me. I found you conveyed most of the themes in there convincingly and well enough to be interesting, even if puppy-play is not my fetish. However, the tense issues and the limited description made me a bit distracted even if the characters were appealing. He didn't feel like one of those SCARY RAWR doms, I kinda liked him. He felt nice, and she felt like she was enjoying it. To me.

I wasn't sure about the tail. Was it something that tucked into her pants, or, er, went into a hole?

 

[The_Fractal_King]

And I don't know. It wasn't badly written, what it lacked was description. It began rather abbruptly and frequently lacked in descriptive elements, though I found the character personalities fairly convincing. However, I felt there was no motive for her to want to be his pet--I guess it's because it's in the middle of a story--but she felt a bit spineless to me, though she did a good job of convincing me she was his pet. Just motiveless so it was a bit too dry.

That's interesting. Part of the point of this chapter was to show her as not being spineless.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by a motive for her being his pet. Do you mean her sexuality in general or towards James in particular?

It was a curiously interesting story, relatively well done and you pulled off most of the elements very well. The phobia bit, the exibitionism. Unlike the others, I liked that it wasn't a 'stroke' story. It didn't turn me on, but it used the sexual atmosphere in a way that attracted me to the story and characters rather than the sex. To me, it was a real form of erotica. A story containing and revolving around a sexual theme, but not being pornographic. Simply an adult story.

That.

Better written and you would've gotten a 5/5 from me. I found you conveyed most of the themes in there convincingly and well enough to be interesting, even if puppy-play is not my fetish. However, the tense issues and the limited description made me a bit distracted even if the characters were appealing. He didn't feel like one of those SCARY RAWR doms, I kinda liked him. He felt nice, and she felt like she was enjoying it. To me.

Hooray!

I'm still not quite clear on what people mean by tense issues. But I suppose that's why there are editors.

I wasn't sure about the tail. Was it something that tucked into her pants, or, er, went into a hole?

lol, the second one.