Hpv

[Michael_Keaton]

I've been lurking on this site for some time and haven't posted yet but I think the time has come. I never thought I'd be posting on an online forum for advice but the anonymity of this forum combined with the diversity of experiences of the posters here has made me think this may be a good option for me. So, here goes...

I'm a guy @ retirement age and divorced for six years. Recently I've been seeing someone new and things have been progressing nicely at our own speed although she and I haven't had intercourse yet.

We recently were having the "safe sex talk" and she revealed that she has HPV, and I now don't know what to do so I'm looking for some input. Within the context of the "talk" she told me that many people contract HPV and never know it because the body usually tends to take care of it itself. She also said that most people who are sexually active contract it at one time or another so it's not uncommon.

I then went home and did my homework and found that everything she told me about it is correct. However, there were a few other things I also learned.. Apparently there is no way to have sex with someone who has HPV without exposing one's self to the disease. Condoms help but they're not foolproof.
Another thing I learned is that there is no test to determine if a man has HPV - but he can pass it along. Therefore any man who contracts it has the potential to be a Typhoid Mary, exposing any future partner to HPV and not knowing it. Since we are not in a committed relationship this is a very real concern for me.

I like this woman very much and we have a lot in common so I'd be willing to use "alternative sexual methods" like mutual masturbation and toys. In fact, everyone having their own preferences, I love giving oral sex nearly as much as intercourse, but it's my understanding that performing oral sex on his wife when she had HPV is how Michael Douglas contracted throat cancer - and obviously getting throat cancer isn't on my bucket list.

And having a sexless relationship isn't a viable alternative for either of us.

She and I haven't talked about this yet. I'm still collecting information. Does anyone else here have any experience with HPV? If so, how did you handle it?

 

[LadyVer]

Good luck. I'm sure others will offer relevant advice.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I would take the Douglas thing with a large grain of salt. Yes, HPV *can* cause throat cancer. But MD was (is?) also a smoker, which is a MUCH bigger cancer risk, and there's generally no way to confirm what exactly caused a cancer.

(And if there was, the answer would usually be "a combination of several things".)

By my understanding, most sexually active people over about 35 have already contracted HPV and never noticed. However, you might talk to your doctor about getting vaccinated; it won't make a difference if you've already got it, but in that case you're not losing anything beyond the cost of the vaccine.

Everybody gets to make their own risk decisions, but for me HPV would not be a deal-breaker.

 

[Michael_Keaton]

Good luck. I'm sure others will offer relevant advice.

Thanks. I'm at a loss....

 

[box13]

She's probably a very nice, and beautiful person. And she wasn't looking to contract HPV when it happened. Those are things you can't change, however.

Not sure if it applies to your situation, but there is a sort of politicized movement to accept STIs as "normal" and "not the result of my choices" kind of thing, even to the point that self-disclosure to a partner is "wrong" so that others are exposed to risks because it's "my human right", and there might be some of that involved in influencing her attitude about the subject (google "bug hunter").

It could also be that she's wonderful, sincere, and you could have a very rich relationship with her. But from the pictures I've seen, there's no condom big enough, sans that used as a joke on "Naked Gun", that will keep you from becoming infected. I'm not a doctor however, and I don't know what the efficacy of the HPV vaccine might be in your situation....but I could be a rubber fetishist so the former applies to me, more than the latter.

She's certainly been responsible in informing you.

What you get to decide is that, once you have HPV, does that become one of the reasons for why the relationship continues. Or do you see yourself participating in HPV dating sites, or whatever the case may be, once the relationship ends....should that happen, unfortunately.

I guess what I'm thinking is the bottom line here is that many of us have said at one point "had I known how important doing X and Y in bed was to me, I would have chosen differently" and in your case, this is still a valid question. And without some drastically different behavior and habits than you're used to, you will have HPV.

"I gave you herpes and that's the reason why I'm staying and putting up with your bullshit" is as good as reason as any for commitment, of course. Commitment isn't always fun. But it can pay off, too.

I think the statistic at one point (back in 2005 or so) is that over half of all sexually active college aged women have HPV, so yes, it's very common.

Given a few qualities in personality and features, I'd sure be tempted to try, myself. I don't think it's an easy thing to say "no" to someone who is very special in many ways.

 

[NightL]

"I gave you herpes

just so you know - HPV is often warts
HSV-1 (oral herpes) and HSV-2 (genital herpes) - blisters

different conditions

 

[NightL]

However, you might talk to your doctor about getting vaccinated

While there are vaccines for a couple of common types of HPV, there may be an age factor involved - but great advice from Bramblethorn, "talk to your doctor".

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I'm with Bramblethorn, doctor, doctor, doctor. Chances are you already have it also unless you have been celibate your whole life thus far. So, get a professional opinion. And good luck.

 

[Michael_Keaton]

First, thanks to everyone who took the time and energy to respond to my OP. My quandary isn't something I want to discuss with friends or family because 1) I'd be suspicious of their objectivity, and 2) because should this woman and I go public to them I don't want them thinking of her as being 'dirty'. She contracted it through a cheating husband, which is part of the reason why she's no longer married. Anyway, your thoughts and opinions are much appreciated.

Most probably what I was looking for from my OP was a "magic bullet" to help me make a smart decision. Either someone would tell me that all the talk about HPV is all hooey and that the contagiousness (is that a word?) of HPV has been greatly overstated, or else I'd hear that having sex with someone with HPV would make my dick fall off. Either of those would make my decision a lot easier but unfortunately that magic bullet doesn't exist.

I can see that I need to continue to collect information, and that probably my doctor is a good place to start. Then I'll be able to make an intelligent decision as to what to do.

Thanks again to all of you who responded, as well as to anyone else who wants to chime in on this. One can't have too much information or too many viewpoints.

 

[NightL]

You met someone who is honest - what importance do you place on that?

'cos it is as simple as that.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Honesty from her, priceless. And from what I gathered in you first post is you are a guy who is what? 64, 65? You have what? Maybe 20 more years, 30 more? HPV won't make your dick fall off. If might not even effect you at all.

Is she your age or younger? Is she sick?

If I was in your position, wait I am as far as age, and found a woman I cared about and who cared about me...just saying.

Good luck.

 

[swingerjoe]

As others have pointed out already, HPV is incredibly common. Most people who are sexually active have it already and don't even know it. What is the harm in having a virus that has no symptoms? Well, for men, there isn't, really (except in VERY rare cases.)

For women, there is a risk of cervical cancer. The way I understand it, having HPV doesn't mean you will get cervical cancer, but you cannot get cervical cancer without having HPV.

HPV can (and usually does) remain dormant for decades, so there is a chance you have it already (although, as someone else mentioned, there is no HPV test for males.) And there is also no vaccine for HPV unless you're under 18 years of age. (In which case, you shouldn't be on this site!)

Bottom line: your risk is practically nothing. Her risk is nothing, as she already has it. So it boils down to: are you planning on being with any other women besides her for a while? If so, and you're worried about passing it along, then the safest bet would be to avoid having sex with this woman. (Although there are no absolutely "safe" bets when it comes to sex.)

I think it's admirable that she admitted this to you. That's a point in the "plus" column.

 

[Michael_Keaton]

The honesty factor

Ahhh yes. The "honesty" factor. That's something I've considered repeatedly. And how easy it would have been for her to not have told me. That kind of honesty is obviously worth a lot to me, especially because of the risk she took in telling me. It feels like I'm penalizing her for being honest with me, and I certainly recognize the unfairness in that.

For now I'm going to forego having sex with her until I get a chance to talk to my doctor. The most logical sense seems to come from Swingerjoe in that the only true risk involved is mine and then only if I decide to become intimate with another woman post-this relationship.

I have some serious soul-searching to do here. Thank you to everyone for good advice and being my sounding board.

These friggin' diseases anyway! Why can't things be like they were when I was 20? Grrr.

 

[Bramblethorn]

And there is also no vaccine for HPV unless you're under 18 years of age.

Not so. In Australia, last I looked, Gardasil was approved for women up to 45. FDA has approved Gardasil for males up to 26 years old: https://www.cdc.gov/hpv/downloads/9vhpv-fda.pdf

I understand the OP is older than 26, but it might be possible to find a doctor who'll do it off-label (not sure what the rules are in the USA).

The rationale for the upper age limits is that past those ages, most everybody who's going to get HPV has already got it, so there's less benefit. (Which is why, if it were me, I wouldn't be worrying about the situation the OP describes, but I'm all in favour of people setting their own risk tolerances.)

These friggin' diseases anyway! Why can't things be like they were when I was 20? Grrr.

HPV was still around then, it just wasn't as well recognised.

 

[fire_breeze]

I've been lurking on this site for some time and haven't posted yet but I think the time has come. I never thought I'd be posting on an online forum for advice but the anonymity of this forum combined with the diversity of experiences of the posters here has made me think this may be a good option for me. So, here goes...

I'm a guy @ retirement age and divorced for six years. Recently I've been seeing someone new and things have been progressing nicely at our own speed although she and I haven't had intercourse yet.

We recently were having the "safe sex talk" and she revealed that she has HPV, and I now don't know what to do so I'm looking for some input. Within the context of the "talk" she told me that many people contract HPV and never know it because the body usually tends to take care of it itself. She also said that most people who are sexually active contract it at one time or another so it's not uncommon.

I then went home and did my homework and found that everything she told me about it is correct. However, there were a few other things I also learned.. Apparently there is no way to have sex with someone who has HPV without exposing one's self to the disease. Condoms help but they're not foolproof.
Another thing I learned is that there is no test to determine if a man has HPV - but he can pass it along. Therefore any man who contracts it has the potential to be a Typhoid Mary, exposing any future partner to HPV and not knowing it. Since we are not in a committed relationship this is a very real concern for me.

I like this woman very much and we have a lot in common so I'd be willing to use "alternative sexual methods" like mutual masturbation and toys. In fact, everyone having their own preferences, I love giving oral sex nearly as much as intercourse, but it's my understanding that performing oral sex on his wife when she had HPV is how Michael Douglas contracted throat cancer - and obviously getting throat cancer isn't on my bucket list.

And having a sexless relationship isn't a viable alternative for either of us.

She and I haven't talked about this yet. I'm still collecting information. Does anyone else here have any experience with HPV? If so, how did you handle it?

First, thanks to everyone who took the time and energy to respond to my OP. My quandary isn't something I want to discuss with friends or family because 1) I'd be suspicious of their objectivity, and 2) because should this woman and I go public to them I don't want them thinking of her as being 'dirty'. She contracted it through a cheating husband, which is part of the reason why she's no longer married. Anyway, your thoughts and opinions are much appreciated.

Most probably what I was looking for from my OP was a "magic bullet" to help me make a smart decision. Either someone would tell me that all the talk about HPV is all hooey and that the contagiousness (is that a word?) of HPV has been greatly overstated, or else I'd hear that having sex with someone with HPV would make my dick fall off. Either of those would make my decision a lot easier but unfortunately that magic bullet doesn't exist.

I can see that I need to continue to collect information, and that probably my doctor is a good place to start. Then I'll be able to make an intelligent decision as to what to do.

Thanks again to all of you who responded, as well as to anyone else who wants to chime in on this. One can't have too much information or too many viewpoints.

Ahhh yes. The "honesty" factor. That's something I've considered repeatedly. And how easy it would have been for her to not have told me. That kind of honesty is obviously worth a lot to me, especially because of the risk she took in telling me. It feels like I'm penalizing her for being honest with me, and I certainly recognize the unfairness in that.

For now I'm going to forego having sex with her until I get a chance to talk to my doctor. The most logical sense seems to come from Swingerjoe in that the only true risk involved is mine and then only if I decide to become intimate with another woman post-this relationship.

I have some serious soul-searching to do here. Thank you to everyone for good advice and being my sounding board.

These friggin' diseases anyway! Why can't things be like they were when I was 20? Grrr.

If you have a wart of any kind, including common, plantars or flat wart, you had HPV. There are over 150 different strands of the virus, and only a fraction of those strands causes cancer or genital warts. Not all causes cancer or warts.

And over 40 different strands of HPV can be contracted through skin-to-skin contact. So mutual masturbation? Yeah. You can also transmit it that way.

Additionally, the virus has to be present and active in your system for you to transmit it. PLUS, most health care professionals, unless you have a severely compromised immune system, will tell you not to worry because it's that common. Honestly, you would probably have more trouble with the cold than with HPV. In addition, she may have actually got a strand before her husband(I don't know what kind she has) and her body just suppressed it and reactivated then. I don't know, but it is possible.

As for Michael Douglas' tongue cancer (which he falsely initially reported as throat cancer), as Bram mentioned, he was a heavy smoker, abused alcohol and god-knows what else. Even if you do contract a strain that causes cancer, it does not mean that you will get cancer. Not all who contract it develops cancer. The body is a wonderful fighting machine, and if you are healthy, the likelihood is that your body will fight it and you will not develop any cancer.

I think you are a bit perturbed at the fact, and that you are having a hard time reconciling that she had HPV (and what kind? The kind that can cause cancer? Genital warts?) and now you are over thinking it.(by the way, 'diseases' have always been present. We are just better at identifying it). You need to think and be honest with yourself why you are so focussed on this: is it health? Is it the fact that she knows she has a virus that something like 80% of adults (including you) had? Is it her honesty? You want to find excuse? You may wish to do some soul searching.

So, your choice is simple. Accept that she has been honest, that you probably have it as well (one strand) if not herpes (cold sore or genital), that life is filled with risks or live in a hermitically sealed room devoid of all human contact. Because in all honesty, all human contact carries risk. Do you want that?

Good luck