Howdy guys!

[UnholyHoly]

just submitted my first story, "The Fallen Cross", maybe take a peek if it gets aproved? ^^ thanks guys! -jay

 

[starrkers]

When it gets approved, drop back here and post a link to it and you're bound to get some of us to read it

 

[drksideofthemoon]

When it gets approved, drop back here and post a link to it and you're bound to get some of us to read it

But only if a link is posted, we are a pack of lazy swine in here...

 

[UnholyHoly]

sound fun! Religious Dark Gothique anyone? lol

 

[Guest]

sound fun! Religious Dark Gothique anyone? lol

Looking forward to reading your first posted story!

 

[UnholyHoly]

its up

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=363622

thanks for payin attention!

 

[UnholyHoly]

btw my grammar sucks, always lookin for editor

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Short but promising.

I quite like a spot of the horrors though.

I didn't think it was as over-written as the one troll comment made out. Some of the word use jarred a little. 'Logistic', 'exponentially' and 'figuratively' stood out at the end for me as not being appropriate. Better people than me will probably be able to give you better feedback on the grammar/word usage.

It's clearly an introductory chapter so a sterner test will come when you start writing the story and flesh out the character a little. Choosing a first person perspective will sadly not be your friend when it comes to this so try and avoid the pitfall of too much telling and not enough showing.

keep writing anyway.

 

[UnholyHoly]

thanks alot!
i hope to get someone to correct my *cough* overextensive verbal and adjectiveal usage (lol)

 

[UnholyHoly]

anyone get a chance to check it out?

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Brevity is the soul of wit and tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes.

So it's a little bit like reading an octopus . . .

Clearly you have a good vocabulary (not to mention a vivid imagination) but to use it well you should use it sparingly. Adjectives and adverbs lose all power when they get used in every sentence. If everything is detailed then nothing really is and the descriptors just make reading difficult. Sometimes you should just let light be lights and let hands be hands.

By way of example.
With an attempt to raise my left hand, a sudden pang of extreme pain shot through my wrist and up my arm; a searing, morbid pain with the intensity to let a scream out of my moisture-deprived trachea.

Might be better along the lines of:

As I tried to raise my hand an searing, morbid pain shot through my arm, releasing a scream from my parched throat.

 

[UnholyHoly]

thanks fractal king! pmd u

 

[Guest]

Kudos to you for your first effort and for having the courage to ask for feedback!

Yes, you need an editor. If you can't get an editor, get a reader. If you did have a reader before you posted it here, get a new reader!

Here's why you need at least a reader. Your first paragraph:

Through blurred vision, I strained my eyes to catch a glimpse of something in the darkness. In the third paragraph, you talk about "industrial-style lighting." A ringing shriek pounded in my ears as the pictures in my mind was fading into reality. What pictures? Between the pounding in my head and the ringing in my ears, a giggle shot out, where I was. "A giggle shot out, where I was." I can't tell whether the giggle is coming from you, or from someone or something else. Its high pitched, sadistic sound penetrated my ears, filling my mind with the sound of terror. The sound of terror implies that something is making a terrified sound, rather than that the sound is terrifying.

If I get confused three times in your first paragraph, other readers will as well. Having someone read the story and go, "Huh?" is a good sign that things need to be clarified.

A couple things quickly:

You're trying too hard, and overwriting. Simple, really clear and good writing will be far more effective, as The Fractal King pointed out.

Is"The Laffer" an "it" or a "he?"

Still, you do indeed show promise. Good luck!

 

[starrkers]

There's definitely enough interest there for me to come back for the next instalment.

And I agree with what Fractal and Gnome said above. If you can't find an editor right away, another trick is to set aside your story after finishing it for a week or more and forget about it (yeah, like that's easy!). Then read it over again. You come at it with a fresh insight and pick up inconsistencies and errors more readily than readiing over just after finishing it.
God, that was longwinded! Hope it made some kinda sense

 

[UnholyHoly]

thanks guys
and i usualy right wat i here in my hear (not psychotic) but like i talk, you know wat i mean? gotta break dat habit (i hate english...)


laffer, btw, is usually referred to an 'it' cuz he doesn't appear human, but he is a man. usually just referred to IT cuz he's impish and inhumane. (repetiton...lol)

 

[UnholyHoly]

any more takers?

 

[Nau8tynnice]

Congrats on your first submission

There is something about the rhythm and pace of your writing that I love. I enjoyed the detail and the way your words evoked a feeling in me. Get on to finding that editor and put out your next chapter
Oh, and if you have too many volunteer editors on your tail... can you direct one my way

 

[ellynei]

973 words!! too short, you tease!

Caught my interest so far, but too short for me to feel confident if your storyline is something I will enjoy in the longer run or not. Get more up there so I can find out please ^.^

I can pm you an unprofessional-beta-read-detailed-personal-impression gimme a pm if you would want that. However, what you need most is an editor-type-person with a thorough understanding of good sentence structure (and that I cannot help with , I need the same thing too...)

 

[UnholyHoly]

lol thanks nau...thats wat i was goin for?

and elly, short is sweet and to the point....

....
...
send that pm lol

 

[moonfae]

ooh creepy

Wow, that's pretty good. Very easy to visualize, and you feel for the character.

Is it just me, or is the creature like Gollum from Lord of the Rings? Just asking... lol.

Anyways, neat stuff, looking forward to seeing where it goes (though not to what needs to come next... OUCH!)

Moonfae

 

[UnholyHoly]

lol almost
but hes more impish than .... gollum ish lol

 

[UnholyHoly]

any more?
btw, chapter 2 is coming up soon (if aproved lol)

 

[UnholyHoly]

a couple more reads plz? VOTE if you can, comments are great to!

 

[UnholyHoly]

bumpage?

 

[where]

bumpage?

feedback tart

I'll vote when there's more to read. I'm not sure about it at the moment. Also, asking pretty please. Can you use standard english on posts? Text/yoof speak is annoying as fuck to some *cough* older members