How wrong is this?

[sweetks24]

okay so I have asked lots of friends and family about this issue that my husband and I have...

although he doesn't admit it or see it, to me and the people around us, he seems to be very controlling!

Do you think it is right for your spouse, other half whoever you are in a relationship with shoud snoop behind your back? ( go through your phone on a daily basis, check the history on the web browser, have passwords to everything?)
it's starting to hurt our relationship because we have two different views!

 

[simplegirl]

no he shouldn't be snooping. Why the lack of trust? why does he feel the need to check?

 

[sweetks24]

I will admit I cheated before we were married... Before we were even emgaged.. We worked that out or so I thought, but he has never trusted me from the beginning I feel. Because he snooped before that happened

 

[djyak]

Just my view as being married to someone similar before. He was doing something similar, and a friend said, "If he's thinking you're doing something, than maybe he's worried because he's done something."

Sure enough, once I put the "word" out there to a whole lot of friends, it got back to me soon enough he was out with friends, (we went out with our own friends sometimes) and he was all over this other woman, feeling on her and they left together. Friends called me from the bar and told me, and when he came home, I confronted him, and it blew up in his face.

Just my own thing, can't say that's the same for you though.

Tifani

 

[Sassy_Chick]

Just my view as being married to someone similar before. He was doing something similar, and a friend said, "If he's thinking you're doing something, than maybe he's worried because he's done something."

Sure enough, once I put the "word" out there to a whole lot of friends, it got back to me soon enough he was out with friends, (we went out with our own friends sometimes) and he was all over this other woman, feeling on her and they left together. Friends called me from the bar and told me, and when he came home, I confronted him, and it blew up in his face.

Just my own thing, can't say that's the same for you though.

Tifani

I had a similar situation. My ex and I were having issues and we had separated temporarily. As soon as he moved back in, he started checking phones in the middle of the night, snooping over my shoulder at e-mails, etc. When I went to pay our cell bill, I noticed he was WAY over on his texts and had run up a huge bill. I clicked on them and lo and behold, I could see every number he was texting! Thank you, Verizon!! The same number kept popping up at all hours of the day and night. Lots of picture messages at midnight, etc. So I plugged the number into a google search and it gave me a basic location of a trailer park north of town. I knew his ex lived near there so I asked him and he confessed. Although he said the midnight picture messages were ones she had sent him of her boobs and stuff, but he had only texted back pictures of his face. Riiiiigggght. And I'm Santa Claus.

 

[SweetErika]

How long have you been married?

Do you have any kids? (If not, make sure you don't get pregnant until/unless you sort this out.)

Apart from the snooping, does he try to control you in other ways you don't like?

Are you giving him reason to be concerned about your fidelity now? For instance, does he know you're here and support it, or are you here behind his back?

Is there any way HE could be lying and/or cheating? Sometimes people don't trust because they know they shouldn't be trusted themselves. Instead of looking inward and fixing the problem(s), they focus their energy on snooping, making accusations, etc., toward their spouse.

FWIW, I don't think snooping, spying or being controlling is healthy for relationships. I believe it IS warranted in a few circumstances (e.g. if there's really good reason to suspect lying or cheating; in relationships where that is a mutually agreeable condition for whatever reason(s); in D/S relationships where both people agree upon it and are happy with it), but if it's something that hurts you in your relationship, it needs to change. In some cases, it can be abusive, or a gateway to other abuse, so that's something you should watch out for.

In my own marriage, I maintain an open policy with all of my stuff. My husband has access to all of my accounts, is aware of my activities, and is welcome to check out whatever he wishes. I don't say or do anything I wouldn't be proud for him to see/hear, so nothing is hidden. He's free to check, but he knows I have nothing to hide and my behavior has proven I'm trustworthy, so he doesn't have any motivation to check. It works for us.

 

[sweetks24]

thank you everyone!

it has been helpful so far, but unfortantly I don't think he is cheating. If he is, than he must be pretty damn good at it ( we live in a somewhat small town where I know ALOT of people)

 

[sweetks24]

How long have you been married?
We have been married going on 2 years.
Do you have any kids? (If not, make sure you don't get pregnant[/SIZE][/SIZE] until/unless you sort this out.
We have a daughter together I think that's what makes me so worried and hurt that he does this.
Apart from the snooping, does he try to control you in other ways you don't like?
he can be controlling in the way he tells me I need to do things. ( I do taxes I only work jan to apr. So I can stay home rest of year with our daughter.) he expcts me to do EVERYTHING.

Are you giving him reason to be concerned about your fidelity now? For instance, does he know you're here and support it, or are you here behind his back?
he knows I am on lit and he knows what I am doing.. He checks my phone all the time and if he thinks I delete something ( which I don't) he goes crazy!

I understand you have to be open with your partner but doing stuff like this isn't helping to want me to be open... It makes me want to run!

 

[bailadora]

In my own marriage, I maintain an open policy with all of my stuff. My husband has access to all of my accounts, is aware of my activities, and is welcome to check out whatever he wishes.

This is how we operate, as well. I don't think he ever *has* checked anything, but I'd be fine with it if he did. And I think knowing that he *could* if/whenever he chose to is an enormous comfort to him.

OP - if you haven't already, perhaps you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. That this is much more than a matter of differing opinion - that it's seriously hurting your relationship with him. You just might have to be that blunt for you to get his attention. Try to keep the conversation calm and rational and try to present the problem in a non accusatory manner. Also be prepared to be on the receiving end of criticism. Instead of instinctively rejecting it, try to see if there is any merit to what he says and try to see what you can do to help resolve your part of the situation. Hopefully by communicating in an open, honest and loving manner, the two of you can come to a mutual agreement. If you can't, you may want to consider professional help.

Best of luck to you both, OP. I sincerely hope you can work it out.

 

[Jenneva]

No, there is no trust there.

I once had a girlfriend's husband call me. In the guise of "throwing a party for her" he systematically went through everyone in her address book asking me who they were. Mostly male, of course. I told him I wasn't comfortable telling him anything that he should be asking her (fuck the surprise party)

He was such a bastard, still is.

My girlfriend is no longer with us..suicide. I often wonder if it was because of their abusive relationship.

My theory: if you have to ask, you're not comfortable with it. Don't allow it.

 

[kellyz_craic]

He's either extremely insecure and mistrustful or he's up to something himself. I've seen both sides of controlling men. My first marriage was abusive and my second/current (and last hopefully!) marriage is controlling but because I submit to him and he's a dominant man.

You may have cheated before you married him but that's still actually no reason for him to give you a life sentence of suspicion like this. You should be done proving to him that you're trustworthy and committed to the marriage. It also sets a bad example of your daughter if you let your husband get away with being controlling because when it comes time for her to date she's going to think that women are supposed to be doormats.

I think you should sit him down and say you've had enough, that you think you've earned the right to a little trust and faith. If he is never going to trust you, what kind of marriage do you have? Short of getting yourself a Muslim veil and walking two paces behind him, what else are you supposed to be able to do now to make things right? It's now up to him to forgive you and actually let this go.

My first husband used to go through my phone etc because he didn't trust me, even though we lived in a 'trailer park' community where his relatives and friends could see every move I made when he wasn't at home. He was controlling because of his own insecurity (I never cheated, would have had to be suicidal) and my behaviour really made no difference. I never earned his trust. It was his own insecurity that led him to beat me because as much as I did my level best to live my life by his many rules, it never won me a reprieve because I was never the issue, he was.

The more you let him go through your life with a fine toothed comb, the more compulsive he'll get about it and the more hoops he'll make you jump to in order to avoid a guilt trip or whatever.

Maybe it's time to sit the man down and ask when enough is going to be enough? Make it clear that this is damaging your love for him now and get him to agree some kind of plan for yanking his nose out of your gadgets. If he flat refuses to stop spying on you, demand the same access to his phone and online activity etc. Once he gets some perspective on how intrusive it is he might realise what he's doing to you. If he refuses to compromise on any level I'd question the point of your marriage to this guy.

One day you're going to slip up. I don't mean by cheating on him but by doing something that he views as suspect. Then he's going to come down on you with a fuckton of 'I knew it!' and once he feels vindicated he'll become unbearable. Take it from me, you don't want to wait around for that to happen and then start trying to get him to be more reasonable.

 

[sweetks24]

Thanks again everyone who has replied.. Sadly it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this!

I have tried to talk to him but maybe I'm still approching it wrong! We will be having a long talk about all this later!

 

[bob53]

When you do talk be sure to OWN your feelings.
What I mean is not accusing him but rather:
It makes me feel like xyz when abc things are going on.

This way it is not placing blame so that he won't go to immediate defensive position, etc.
You are then owning your feelings and not being a victim to his actions.

 

[MTBR]

I would be quietly furious with anyone who went through my stuff whilst going out with me. I would never scream the house down about it, but I'd confront her about why she felt she couldn't trust me.

Frankly, the moment someone does it pretty much would be an end of the relationship point, unless I was Married in which case I'd be so upset she'd think I would ever cheat on her.

I've been cheated on and it still hasn't left me with any feelings of me having to check anyone's belongings for signs, I find it incredibly untrustworthy and I do not like a lack of trust between people, especially people in a relationship.

 

[RuReal]

SweetErika is usually dead on in what she says. I know I could not put up with something like that just like I know I would not do that to my wife.

 

[Dribble]

I can think of several reasons where it can be warranted in addition to those Erika said, especially when there are kids involved. Unfortunately, there are several examples where it is also not OK. Really depends on the situation if you ask me.

 

[Eilan]

Thanks again everyone who has replied.. Sadly it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this!

I have tried to talk to him but maybe I'm still approching it wrong! We will be having a long talk about all this later!

You will never be able to approach this issue "correctly" because your husband cannot be rational about it.

I've never been in a relationship where jealousy, possessiveness, and spying were an issue, but my dad was/is like this with my mom, who did nothing to deserve such treatment except marry the wrong man. No amount of "talking" was ever going to convince my dad that my mom was anything but a lying, cheating whore.

Good luck to you.

 

[billrichards41]

thank you everyone!

it has been helpful so far, but unfortantly I don't think he is cheating. If he is, than he must be pretty damn good at it ( we live in a somewhat small town where I know ALOT of people)

While you got all this advice you said something that caught my eye...
"but unfortantly I don't think he is cheating" WOw if you feel that way there is more to this problem than what you are saying.
Outside of that if trust is really broken you can sit with a counselor, it's a neutral person, to talk about what is going on. Maybe after that you both can see clearer and decide what to do.
I felt paranoid with my ex and it was not unfounded. It stunk for me to feel like I couldn't trust the person I gave my all too. She gave told me it was nothing and it broke our trust and it was never repaired. She minimized what was significant to me and eventually we parted. The incident did not help any effort to work things out. If both of you are miserable it won't help your child either.

 

[Dribble]

While you got all this advice you said something that caught my eye...
"but unfortantly I don't think he is cheating" WOw if you feel that way there is more to this problem than what you are saying.

I agree...

Many times, people hold to their own experiences as the truth for all remotely similar experiences other people are going through. I find it sad that many are placing the blame 100% at the feet of this guy. Maybe this is deserving. Maybe it isn't. Obviously, there is a trust issue. I don't think anyone is denying this. However, it is my gut feeling that the OP is focusing on symptoms and not the issue.

 

[Daikataro]

There are several possible reasons for this, and most of them are not mutually exclusive:

-He was hurt in the past, and doesn't want to be the fool again
-Like has been stated before, he might be cheating/have cheated on you
-Someone close to him (mother, father, brother, etc.) got into such a situation and he wants to avoid that happening to him
-He is simply unable to trust anyone
-He said he was over you cheating when he really is still under it
-He has OCD and needs to keep control over EVERYTHING

They say that trust is the foundation of any relationship (under the surface and seldom visited). But jokes aside, if you can't trust your soulmate, the one you chose instead of anyone else, then who can you trust?

The only viable solution i see for this is a direct confrontation; directly tell him how his attitude makes you feel, talk about it and if needed, take couple therapy. Receiving psychological/psychiatric help does NOT make you crazy nor strange. As a matter of fact, most people has or will receive such intervention along the course of their life

 

[sweetks24]

...

Thanks everyone else that has commented. we did have a talk, i am hoping things can move forward instead of getting worse. * if it moves worse, defently won't be sticking around!*

 

[njlauren]

Sweet-

I don't have anything to add really that other people haven't, but that kind of controlling behavior is not normal or healthy. Whatever the cause, and I am sure there are reasons, unless you have given him some reason to think something is up (not saying you did, obviously, it sounds more like something in his personality. One thing I can tell you is living with someone like that is not going to be nice, it is like living in a police state where you are guilty until proven innocent. You don't have to be mean about it, but there are certain behaviors in spouses a partner does not have to take if it makes them feel as you obviously do.

If he loves you he will listen to what you are saying and try to explain why he feels as he does. If it is because of cheating that happened before you were married, then I agree with others, try to find counseling to help overcome this. It is said that trust is the bedrock of any relationship, and that is true IME of now almost 30 years, and if that is shaken in some ways it needs to be repaired. In couples where one spouse cheats, the hardest part is the infidelity itself, it is the trust that is breached. Again, this isn't that he is wrong/you are right, it doesn't matter, it is clearing up something that can poison the relationship big time; counseling is designed to help the couple get at issues like this and resolve them and also give them the tools to be able to handle similar things down the road, so you don't have either partner living with behavior they find distasteful or hurting simply to 'keep it going'

 

[ghostwriter092]

Here it is, Plain and simple

My father long ago gave me some advice. However going through a divorce myself because of cheating and such, I dont know that it always applies.

"If you can deal with it, shut up. If not, get out."

It sounds to me, like he is to supsicious of you, for his own good. He is looking for a reason and if he looks hard enough he will find that reason. But put simply, hes looking, to me, for an out. You can look at a situation all you want to, but especially if hes not allowing you free reign over looking into his stuff, that to me is also suspcicous. If you have nothing to hide, then dont worry. I never looked into my ex's stuff, because to me, why did I need to. Yet when she got protective of her belongings, (Phone, computer, ect.) I became very worried and such. Eventually I found out why she was acting the way she did. And it has affected me. But this isnt about me. Its about you. You must not allow his actions to take place. You must stand up for yourself especially if its affecting you or your relationship. To me, hes hiding some skeletons of his own placing his guilt upon you. Thats my experience at least.

 

[djyak]

Thanks everyone else that has commented. we did have a talk, i am hoping things can move forward instead of getting worse. * if it moves worse, defently won't be sticking around!*

It's making the ultimate decision that you know has to come, it's the hardest. Same with me, ex cheating and all. We had many talks, he refused counseling, and he said it would change each time for the better.

I guess in the end it did take two to decide, he didn't want it to work, and I was tired of it.

tifani

 

[throbsalot]

It's making the ultimate decision that you know has to come, it's the hardest. Same with me, ex cheating and all. We had many talks, he refused counseling, and he said it would change each time for the better.

I guess in the end it did take two to decide, he didn't want it to work, and I was tired of it.

tifani

Is he nutz? If the pic I am looking at is anything to go by, I'd say ...yup! He's nutz!