How would you feel if your partner confessed that they had raped someone?

[Marquis]

I guess everyone can feel free to answer, and consider the question in the way most interesting to you, but the scenario I have in mind is this:

Your loving and committed partner confesses to you, under whatever context, that they committed a rape at some point in their lives. Not an Ariel Castro type of situation, but a girl he was trying to fuck said no rather late in the seduction process and he overpowered her. Or perhaps she was too drunk to say no, or passed out completely.

We hear about these situations as being extremely common. If the crime is common, so must be the perpetrator, no?

Who are these men? Can they be reformed?

If your man told you he did something like this in his younger days, how would it make you feel about him now?

 

[KoPilot]

Me? "We're getting a divorce." No hesitation.

Unfortunately, the evidence suggests that rapists generally rape more than once. There are a lot of them out there, but there are many times more rapes. I'm sure a few of them can be reformed, but I honestly think that they lack a certain kernel of empathy that's crucial to them being able to truly understand that they did something horribly, criminally, wrong.

 

[Netzach]

Maybe with like a 50 year spread of events and if he was guilty enough to be a headcase about it and spent his life trying to make restitution or something, but I think that's probably rare enough to be a just about never. I don't believe that nobody can ever be reformed or forgiven, but that's up to his victim to do, and I'm unsure I could.

Mistakes being made when young? That's things like cheating on someone, or burning down your garage by accident, or ditching a job you should have kept, not putting your dick in someone who's unconscious.

The actions of someone who really is changed don't lend themselves to keeping the secret, they lend themselves to someone being open about how wrong they were to perpetrate. I can accept contrition as a member of society, I don't want to be its intimate partner.

 

[KoPilot]

Netz, you might like this book/interview: http://newbooksinhumanrights.com/crossposts/james-dawes-evil-men-harvard-up-2013/

But yeah, I'm right along there with you.

 

[LallyH]

Me? "We're getting a divorce."

And me.

There can never be any justification for using superior physical strength to force an erection that's bothering you into a unwilling partner, irrespective of how willing she may have appeared earlier in the proceedings.

 

[Noor]

I don't know because I haven't been there but my immediate feeling would be that they would be history.

I do know my reaction to an abuse of authority a friend I was interested in had been involved with. Even though they were both consenting, his lack of understanding of the power dynamic was enough to decide against being in an intimate relationship with him.

We are still friends on some level, and after about 6 months he kind of got it at least in theory. This act ruined his career. It needn't have had if he accepted and understood what happened but he didn't to the point where he is unemployable in his field.

 

[Noor]

Thinking about it, for me anyone who thinks it is acceptable to intentionally hurt someone to get what they want, or because they are confused, uncertain, scared, lack communication skills, whatever... is not what I want in my life.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I guess everyone can feel free to answer, and consider the question in the way most interesting to you, but the scenario I have in mind is this:

Your loving and committed partner confesses to you, under whatever context, that they committed a rape at some point in their lives. Not an Ariel Castro type of situation, but a girl he was trying to fuck said no rather late in the seduction process and he overpowered her. Or perhaps she was too drunk to say no, or passed out completely.

We hear about these situations as being extremely common. If the crime is common, so must be the perpetrator, no?

Who are these men? Can they be reformed?

If your man told you he did something like this in his younger days, how would it make you feel about him now?

I have heard partners say things like this. Or seen the pictures. And back in the seventies, I would have to decide if I still wanted to fuck the guy. Sometimes yes, I did still want to. But I wasn't I wasn't looking for anything more than the sex anyway, and I had very little comprehension of interpersonal dynamics. And there was a lot of stuff being condoned that we do not now condone.

If it happened now? I can't imagine ever trusting that person. Or working with him, or being in the same room for very long. Mostly because where the fuck has he been for the past thirty years?

 

[Pachet]

Rape? No. There's not only the pain the victim went through, there's the fact that there is no justification, EVER, for raping someone. I could forgive a murderer, depending on the circumstances. But I could never forgive a rapist. Not only is there the damage done to the victim, there's the fact that IMO, if you've done that, something's snapped in your mind. You've crossed a pretty big line...and since you've crossed it once, what's to keep you from crossing it again? I consider all rapists to have something wrong in their mind. What is it - I don't know. But I don't need to - all I need is to stay away from them.

I actually had a scenario kind of like this happen recently, although it wasn't a partner of mine... I was talking to someone online for a couple weeks. He had rape fantasies, and so do I, so we were sharing our respective fantasies... it got pretty hot, and I was pretty open with him about how much roughness and violence I wanted in a SIMULATED rape scene...

the next thing I knew, he flat out hinted that he raped someone IRL.

Instant turn off... instant nausea, as a matter of fact. I couldn't believe it, which I know is my own naivete. I met him on a bdsm site and he'd seemed cool enough, and I thought he understood about fantasies, and consent, and wanting something in a fantasy not meaning you wanted that thing to happen in reality or liked when it happened in reality to other real people...

It was pretty disturbing, honestly. I made an excuse that I had to go, and never talked to him again. Was he telling the truth, or was he just saying something he thought would get me off? I have no idea. But even the fact that he thought it was ok to say that to me - that he thought I'd enjoy it - tells me something was wrong with him.

 

[Stella_Omega]

It's really not my place to say this, and I know we all have our choices but-- if you can at all, don't make excuses for why you're going offline. tell someone like that why. We need to hear the voices speaking up. Each one of us saying one thing... it adds up, it really does.

 

[laurasunshinegal]

wow. what a heavy and thought provoking question!

my immediate reaction definitely would be revulsion, anger, disgust... and i think pretty quickly i would start to have a growing seed of worry in my head--could it be me one day?

a few other people who have responded have said they would leave/break up/divorce. i dont disagree with the emotion, but being a mom, my first reaction wouldn't be to end it. i don't know what that says about me, but im being honest. the flip side is i am imagining myself having just been told this news (just like i just read the original post). would my thoughts turn to leaving in the next few minutes/hours/days? that i cannot say.

i guess when its all said and done, im glad that this is a hypothetical question and not a real situation for me.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

... she was too drunk to say no, or passed out completely.

One of my closest friends in my first go-round at college (1971-73) admitted having done this the night before. Actually, he didn't admit it; he bragged about getting her naked before she passed out, and laughed that she was "just as wet and warm out cold as she was when she could talk."

I immediately told him he needed to go talk to the girl, NOW, admit what he had done, apologize profusely - probably on his knees - and beg her forgiveness. The other three guys present weren't sure I was right at first, but a little persuasion (two of them had little sisters) and a little logic (the third actually took the time to think about it and transfer the persuasiveness of the argument about the others' sisters to his mother, or any female he cared about) brought them around to my POV in a short period of time, and they added their pressure to mine.

He went to her dorm and asked her to come out and talk to him, which she did. He told her what he had done (he was crying as he told her) and apologized, and she told him she was quite aware from the aftereffects of what he had done, and had he not come and convinced her that his apology was sincere, she had been getting ready to go to the campus police and file a rape complaint against him.

The four of us guys didn't drop him from our circle immediately, but before the semester was out, he didn't hang with us any more, and when we passed on campus, there was a nod or small wave, but no socialization. I continued to be friends with the other three for the next ten years or so, though...

 

[eastern sun]

This is when I start feeling like I'm not a healthy girl . . . because that kind of confession turns me on. And I've been that kind of raped, so I know what it means for the victim. Hang out with heavy drinkers, and it's not that unusual.

The thing is, there are all kinds of guys who have done it - and I'd be looking at the whole picture, not the single act. I've never stuck with someone who was a complete asshole, but I have had a lot of good friends who crossed a few lines that many people would consider unacceptable.

 

[Pachet]

It's really not my place to say this, and I know we all have our choices but-- if you can at all, don't make excuses for why you're going offline. tell someone like that why. We need to hear the voices speaking up. Each one of us saying one thing... it adds up, it really does.

No, you're right. If it happened again, I would say something. I was just surprised and caught off guard. I had actually kind of liked him, we were considering meeting. I'm glad I found out online, though. If I'd had to find out in person, especially after having been intimate with him, I would've been beyond disgusted. There wouldn't have been enough baths in the world.

 

[Marquis]

Interesting responses.

I was unpopular for having this opinion in law school, and I'm sure I will be unpopular for having it now, but I think there are degrees of criminality inherent in the act of rape that are not often reflected in the law or in popular opinion.

Take statutory rape as an example. From what I can recall from my law school days, most states operate under a rule of strict liability. That means that if you have sex with a minor, you are guilty of the crime no matter how legitimate your reasons for believing your partner was indeed above age.

Is a person who uses a position of power to coerce and prey on a vulnerable minor committing an evil deed? Definitely.

What about a person who know that their sex partner is underage but doesn't care? Hard to sympathize.

How about a case where a person gets sexually involved with someone who certainly could be underage, but no questions are asked? Willful ignorance is hard to defend.

Now take a situation where one person is an adult and the other person is indeed a minor, but looks to be an adult, lies about their age and there is other reason to believe that the second person is actually an adult? Here is where the situation starts to become more complex for me.

How about a final situation where the adult in the relationship believes that the second person could be a minor, and asks to see ID to verify that persons age? They are presented with a fake ID and have no other way to know that the minor is not who they say they are. In the eyes of the law this is still rape and while the judge may offer leniency with sentencing, this person has still committed a felony and will be on a register of sex offenders.


I realize this is not the most chivalrous of positions to take on this subject, but it strikes me as interesting how many victims of rape I know, but how few rapists (none, actually). I know plenty of guys who have confessed to acts of violence, theft, drug trafficking... most of the crimes that are unfortunately fairly common, however I don't know a single guy nor can I imagine a guy confessing to forcing a woman to having sex with him. Maybe I have just never been plugged into the frat/jock culture where these types of things may be discussed openly, but I am curious as to who these guys are and how they turn out in life.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I guess everyone can feel free to answer, and consider the question in the way most interesting to you, but the scenario I have in mind is this:

Your loving and committed partner confesses to you, under whatever context, that they committed a rape at some point in their lives. Not an Ariel Castro type of situation, but a girl he was trying to fuck said no rather late in the seduction process and he overpowered her. Or perhaps she was too drunk to say no, or passed out completely.

We hear about these situations as being extremely common. If the crime is common, so must be the perpetrator, no?

Who are these men? Can they be reformed?

If your man told you he did something like this in his younger days, how would it make you feel about him now?

I don't know.
Perhaps if it happened a very long time ago, lots of regret etc, I'd try to get over that kind of information.
The thing is that I'd start to wonder how else I'd misjudged him and thats not a good thing in a relationship.

I don't think that kind of perpetrator is uncommon though.
I think it's less talked about nowadays but I don't think that means that it's safer to pass out on a date or party, for example.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Interesting responses.

I was unpopular for having this opinion in law school, and I'm sure I will be unpopular for having it now, but I think there are degrees of criminality inherent in the act of rape that are not often reflected in the law or in popular opinion.

Quite true. There is rape, which is expected to be violent, and then there are things that are not rape but that those affected by them feel should be considered rape. The rape laws have been written by men, you see. And men have historically felt that rape was a theft reducing value from men's chattel.

Take statutory rape as an example. From what I can recall from my law school days, most states operate under a rule of strict liability. That means that if you have sex with a minor, you are guilty of the crime no matter how legitimate your reasons for believing your partner was indeed above age.

Is a person who uses a position of power to coerce and prey on a vulnerable minor committing an evil deed? Definitely.

What about a person who know that their sex partner is underage but doesn't care? Hard to sympathize.

How about a case where a person gets sexually involved with someone who certainly could be underage, but no questions are asked? Willful ignorance is hard to defend.

Now take a situation where one person is an adult and the other person is indeed a minor, but looks to be an adult, lies about their age and there is other reason to believe that the second person is actually an adult? Here is where the situation starts to become more complex for me.

How about a final situation where the adult in the relationship believes that the second person could be a minor, and asks to see ID to verify that persons age? They are presented with a fake ID and have no other way to know that the minor is not who they say they are. In the eyes of the law this is still rape and while the judge may offer leniency with sentencing, this person has still committed a felony and will be on a register of sex offenders.

Yep. And then there are and have been minors who refuse to take no for an answer, despite the adult's qualms.
But statutory is not the only form of rape besides violent. It's very common for men to talk about statutory. It's very uncommon for men to come up with any other types of rape to worry about.[/QUOTE]

I realize this is not the most chivalrous of positions to take on this subject, but it strikes me as interesting how many victims of rape I know, but how few rapists (none, actually). I know plenty of guys who have confessed to acts of violence, theft, drug trafficking... most of the crimes that are unfortunately fairly common, however I don't know a single guy nor can I imagine a guy confessing to forcing a woman to having sex with him. Maybe I have just never been plugged into the frat/jock culture where these types of things may be discussed openly, but I am curious as to who these guys are and how they turn out in life.[/QUOTE]
You know rapists. I can guarantee it. They really don't believe it was rape. I repeat; many men have committed sexual violence against women who do not think they were trespassing. In fact, many men would be horrified to think it was so.

Or anyway, horrified to find out that women think it was so.

 

[loneranger8921]

I just find it ironic that this post would be right under this posting
"Women who like to be taken forcefully "
It is just the way of the world i guess.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I just find it ironic that this post would be right under this posting
"Women who like to be taken forcefully "
It is just the way of the world i guess.

heh, yeah. BDSM is chock full of practices that in any other context would be actionable. The trick is knowing when and where...

 

[intothewoods]

But statutory is not the only form of rape besides violent. It's very common for men to talk about statutory. It's very uncommon for men to come up with any other types of rape to worry about.

I also found it curious that you focused on statutory rape.

 

[Netzach]

Interesting responses.

I was unpopular for having this opinion in law school, and I'm sure I will be unpopular for having it now, but I think there are degrees of criminality inherent in the act of rape that are not often reflected in the law or in popular opinion.

Take statutory rape as an example. From what I can recall from my law school days, most states operate under a rule of strict liability. That means that if you have sex with a minor, you are guilty of the crime no matter how legitimate your reasons for believing your partner was indeed above age.

Is a person who uses a position of power to coerce and prey on a vulnerable minor committing an evil deed? Definitely.

What about a person who know that their sex partner is underage but doesn't care? Hard to sympathize.

How about a case where a person gets sexually involved with someone who certainly could be underage, but no questions are asked? Willful ignorance is hard to defend.

Now take a situation where one person is an adult and the other person is indeed a minor, but looks to be an adult, lies about their age and there is other reason to believe that the second person is actually an adult? Here is where the situation starts to become more complex for me.

How about a final situation where the adult in the relationship believes that the second person could be a minor, and asks to see ID to verify that persons age? They are presented with a fake ID and have no other way to know that the minor is not who they say they are. In the eyes of the law this is still rape and while the judge may offer leniency with sentencing, this person has still committed a felony and will be on a register of sex offenders.


I realize this is not the most chivalrous of positions to take on this subject, but it strikes me as interesting how many victims of rape I know, but how few rapists (none, actually). I know plenty of guys who have confessed to acts of violence, theft, drug trafficking... most of the crimes that are unfortunately fairly common, however I don't know a single guy nor can I imagine a guy confessing to forcing a woman to having sex with him. Maybe I have just never been plugged into the frat/jock culture where these types of things may be discussed openly, but I am curious as to who these guys are and how they turn out in life.

No, I'm down with this kind of POV.

In the case of rape, there are situations where everyone is in an altered state and everyone is making poor decisions, and I don't mean that in a halfassed "I don't know what came over me" way, or as clearance for steubenville stuff - I mean in a way where there is a total failure to understand or articulate POV to the point where it's really difficult to classify something that happened, when you have two adults both feeling extremely uneasy about the other night and what they remember of it. What's that? I don't know. It's a situation best avoided. People fuck stuff up badly - but the point at which she knows her no was a no is when it was not OK.

It might or might not actually be rape if she's not sure about no or yes, but it definitely isn't good or OK.

 

[knot_sweet]

I don't know

I guess it would depend on the circumstances of the rape.

Did he legitimately not know she was under age and got done for statutory?
I'd need evidence that happened, but I'd probably let that slide. I knew girls who used fake ID and went to clubs, drinking, with the intent to pick up. To me, it's no fault of the guy if he takes her at her word that she's legal.

If it was anything else?
No, end of relationship.

I've been raped by a total coward who only managed to achieve it through drugging.
And while most days I'm ok with it, I still have some major hang ups about being touched unexpectedly, even by people I know and trust completely.

So no, rape it not ok. Ever.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I just find it ironic that this post would be right under this posting
"Women who like to be taken forcefully "
It is just the way of the world i guess.

I just recently stumbled upon this comic which captures that same sense of incongruity. Some here might enjoy it!

 

[Dyslexicea]

Interesting responses.

I was unpopular for having this opinion in law school, and I'm sure I will be unpopular for having it now, but I think there are degrees of criminality inherent in the act of rape that are not often reflected in the law or in popular opinion.

Take statutory rape as an example. From what I can recall from my law school days, most states operate under a rule of strict liability. That means that if you have sex with a minor, you are guilty of the crime no matter how legitimate your reasons for believing your partner was indeed above age.

Marquis you're really just confusing the issue, at least as far as law. First-degree sexual assault, which includes rape, defining rape as non consensual intercourse. The intent of these law are to protect everyone against nonconsensual sex by another. As you learned in law school, or should have, the intent of statutory rape laws are to protect children, defining children as those younger than the state's consent age, from predatory adults.

Now take a situation where one person is an adult and the other person is indeed a minor, but looks to be an adult, lies about their age and there is other reason to believe that the second person is actually an adult? Here is where the situation starts to become more complex for me.

How about a final situation where the adult in the relationship believes that the second person could be a minor, and asks to see ID to verify that persons age? They are presented with a fake ID and have no other way to know that the minor is not who they say they are. In the eyes of the law this is still statutory rape and while the judge may offer leniency with sentencing, this person has still committed a felony and will be on a register of sex offenders.

In the above case you offer to little information to make an informed judgment. Technically he/she has committed statutory rape but if that person is going to be prosecuted in another story all together. Laws aren't perfect, no law can be written to cover all possible just or unjust outcomes. It's one of the reason we have the legal system we do, no matter how the law is written, no matter if he/she is technically guilty, a prosecutor can elect not to prosecute and if he/she does a jury can always elect to acquit.

As far as living with a rapist, again I just don't have enough information from you original question. I think it would depend on the circumstance but I doubt I could stay with someone who had forcibly committed rape.

 

[Noor]

I didn't realize we were talking statutory rape, if so it would depend on the individual case.