How would a dom character react?

[kezzstar24]

A bit nervous posting my first thread, but anyway. I'm new to the BDSM culture (no idea if I'm a sub, a dom, both or neither at the moment), and the way I explore myself is by writing. I tend to be a bit of a sulker and can be quite stubborn (I'm working on it) and I want to explore that in my latest writing, including how it affects others. I also have Aspergers Syndrome, so things that should be obvious when it comes to people and how they react aren't so obvious to me.

In the story I'm writing, a married couple have a D/s relationship. In this "episode", rightly or wrongly, the dom punishes the sub for an infraction but instead of a cathartic release, the sub starts to feel resentful and remains sullen through aftercare/refuses aftercare outright (not sure which would be better yet).

What would be a) the ideal reaction from the dom leading to a resolution and b) what would be the realistic reaction from the dom?

Thanks in advance!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Thinking on this. Obviously something has gone wrong in one or both of their relationships.

You might wish to pose the same question on the BDSM page.

 

[kezzstar24]

Thinking on this. Obviously something has gone wrong in one or both of their relationships.

You might wish to pose the same question on the BDSM page.

Thanks for the suggestion

 

[J_R_Ashunwhy]

Ideally, a married couple uses constant communication, compromises for each other, and works together to solve any issues that result during the marriage; BDSM relationships—not random hook-ups, one night stands, or whatever— ideally, work the same way. There should be lots of communication prior to a scene about limits and triggers for both sides, more communication during a scene to make sure everyone is still enjoying the overall experience, and afterwards for reflection, ideas for improvement, etc. But, humans can be unpredictable and can be triggered regardless of the amount of preparation.

People could be trigged by something they’ve subconsciously repressed, they weren’t honest to themselves and their partner about their current mood or head space, they were trying something new and had no idea how they would respond, they pushed themselves past their limit in an attempt to please their partner or prove something to themselves or whatever; point being, even with the best previous communication, shit can still go wrong. Aftercare is a huge part in trying to aide that, and if a sub refuses aftercare, the dominant partner could respond in a number of ways.

Especially for a married couple, the Dom could be angry at themselves for pushing their partner too far, angry or resentful at their partner for their partner not speaking up sooner, scared because they don’t want to inflict any permanent mental or emotional harm, worried, anxious, etc.

For your story, reactions of your specific characters are going to depend on what the trigger was, how it was experienced by the sub, and how your married couple would normally work through those situations.

 

[kezzstar24]

Thanks for the reply!

It's one thing I've noticed, there doesn't seem to be that much information out there about what happens to a dom when things go wrong (they're human too after all), it's mainly all about sub care.

 

[Bramblethorn]

A bit nervous posting my first thread, but anyway. I'm new to the BDSM culture (no idea if I'm a sub, a dom, both or neither at the moment), and the way I explore myself is by writing. I tend to be a bit of a sulker and can be quite stubborn (I'm working on it) and I want to explore that in my latest writing, including how it affects others. I also have Aspergers Syndrome, so things that should be obvious when it comes to people and how they react aren't so obvious to me.

Hey there! Autistic dom here.

In the story I'm writing, a married couple have a D/s relationship. In this "episode", rightly or wrongly, the dom punishes the sub for an infraction but instead of a cathartic release, the sub starts to feel resentful and remains sullen through aftercare/refuses aftercare outright (not sure which would be better yet).

What would be a) the ideal reaction from the dom leading to a resolution and b) what would be the realistic reaction from the dom?

Ideal: probably dropping out of scene and talking through things. BDSM "punishments" for RL "infractions" can be a bad idea if it becomes a way of papering over a serious issue without addressing it properly, or if the sub doesn't see it as something within the scope of the D/S relationship and feels like the dom is misusing their arrangement.

Realistic: depends very much on the personalities involved. Could be e.g. the ideal response as above, or doubling down ("gonna thrash the sullen out of you!") or confusion/withdrawal/insecurity, or various other reactions.

It's one thing I've noticed, there doesn't seem to be that much information out there about what happens to a dom when things go wrong (they're human too after all), it's mainly all about sub care.

It's not something that gets a lot of coverage, though. It tends to get in the way of the Superhuman Infallible Dom mystique.

If you're interested in fictional representation, I'll put in a rec for Stjepan Sejic's comic"Sunstone". Ally isn't explicitly referenced as autistic but I found her very relatable, and the idea that doms have insecurities too is a big part of her story. One of the most thoughtful things I've read about BDSM, and also one of the prettiest.

 

[HeyAll]

I think a dom would ask for an ultimatum, if she wants to continue or not. Without pressure

 

[ttvttp]

I think a dom would ask for an ultimatum, if she wants to continue or not. Without pressure

Yeah, it sounds like there is more things wrong with the relationship than what is shown in the foreground. If a punishment is deserved than the sub knows to expect punishment and then the dom will take care of them afterwards but if a sub starts to feel resentment there is far more at work.

 

[kezzstar24]

I've written the first draft (and as such I am now a zombie) and the basic gist of what I went with was this:

Background: Daddy and Little Girl (LG) have a light-hearted, fun, loving relationship, where Daddy is only really strict about a few things (eg, drinking, LG is a former alcoholic). Daddy and LG are part of a group of daddies and little girls, LG refers to other daddies as Uncles and other little girls as Cousins (except Randy, because Randy is a creepy little so-and-so).

Story: Daddy and LG have just finished an electric chess game (literally *wink wink*) when one of the Uncles calls, asking if he can drop Cousin off for a week while he goes and helps his mother. LG is hesitant at first, but Daddy frames it as a fun sleepover deal and LG agrees. However, when Cousin (who is considerably older than LG) comes over, she starts taking the "I've been doing this for XX years, my way is the right way" attitude (eg there's a rule that LG has to be naked in the home at all times, but because LG has body-confidence issues, Daddy has relaxed the rule while Cousin is staying) about how lenient Daddy is to LG (not in Daddys earshot mind). LG tries to turn the other cheek, but Cousin keeps pushing and one day LG snaps, reverting to her old Domme persona and is about to give Cousin a walloping with a wooden spoon when Daddy comes in. Daddy sends LG to her room and deals with Cousin, before going and punishing LG (BDSM is one thing, violence is quite another). LG is still very angry and feels betrayed, so instead of cuddling with Daddy after the punishment, she runs off and hides in her office. She stays there for the remainder of the visit, only leaving once everyone is in bed to toilet and Daddy leaves meals outside her door so she doesn't starve herself.

After Cousin has gone back home, LG cautiously leaves the office to find Daddy looking considerably worse for wear. Now I'm writing the part where they realise neither of them really handled the situation well.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've written the first draft (and as such I am now a zombie) and the basic gist of what I went with was this:

Background: Daddy and Little Girl (LG) have a light-hearted, fun, loving relationship, where Daddy is only really strict about a few things (eg, drinking, LG is a former alcoholic). Daddy and LG are part of a group of daddies and little girls, LG refers to other daddies as Uncles and other little girls as Cousins (except Randy, because Randy is a creepy little so-and-so).

For those not familiar with terminology: DD/LG is a variety of roleplay between adults, not involving actual children.

That said, my understanding is that DD/LG stories are likely to be rejected by the moderator (Laurel). While the site's rules state that characters involved in sexual activity must be over 18, stories that could be read as disguised under-age content tend to get rejected if that aspect is noticed. I would suggest contacting Laurel via PM and checking with her before you put further effort into something that might not be permitted here.

 

[kezzstar24]

For those not familiar with terminology: DD/LG is a variety of roleplay between adults, not involving actual children.

That said, my understanding is that DD/LG stories are likely to be rejected by the moderator (Laurel). While the site's rules state that characters involved in sexual activity must be over 18, stories that could be read as disguised under-age content tend to get rejected if that aspect is noticed. I would suggest contacting Laurel via PM and checking with her before you put further effort into something that might not be permitted here.

I saw that, and I made sure to specify that the characters are 31 (sub) and 45 (dom) in the fic. I have seen a fair few DD/LG fics on this site though?

 

[J_R_Ashunwhy]

Just the theme of DD/lg won't mean an automatic rejection, but how your characters behave may get you into trouble. Those who participate in the 'little' form of kink are still capable of adulting when they have to, but neither of your littles seem capable of turning their kink off, or even pausing it, which might lead some to assume that you are actually describing children and not adults acting as littles. Why doesn't wifey snitch, and tell daddy what's going on?

A quick note about the appeal of Daddy Ds: they are not just supposed to play the role of punisher, but also the role of the ultimate protecter and care giver for their little. Your daddy feels like he's falling short of that by choosing the comfort of another woman over that of his own wife. That does build up quite a bit of conflict for your plot, but perhaps more conflict for potential readers than what you've anticipated.

Why doesn't daddy kick the bitch to the curb, or at least find her another couple in this club to stay with, once he realizes that the littles are incompatible? What is forcing him to keep this other woman in the picture? She's a grown woman, yes? Surely she could take care of herself for a few days, or at least go some place else?

His wife used to be a Domme... so is she a switch, or has their been some massive prior event to cause the personality change? If you're going for the latter, one would image that daddy dearest should be even more protective of her. If the former, why doesn't daddy allow for his wife to top the bratty bitch? Potential tag-team action may have been a missed opportunity.

Just my thoughts, but feel free to ignore all of them. I get where you're going with it, and realize this is a fictional, fantasy piece, but I think those points might garish pushback from those who enjoy that kink. Also--strictly from my own personal experience here--if you do submit this, either way, you may gain a more receptive audience and more constructive feedback if you place it in the Fetish category, but that's also up to you.

 

[FEELINGLUCKYPUNK]

Doms are folks who competently handle whatever comes along. Dom isn't an elective office or confirmed by anyone.

 

[CandiCame]

A bit nervous posting my first thread, but anyway. I'm new to the BDSM culture (no idea if I'm a sub, a dom, both or neither at the moment), and the way I explore myself is by writing. I tend to be a bit of a sulker and can be quite stubborn (I'm working on it) and I want to explore that in my latest writing, including how it affects others. I also have Aspergers Syndrome, so things that should be obvious when it comes to people and how they react aren't so obvious to me.

In the story I'm writing, a married couple have a D/s relationship. In this "episode", rightly or wrongly, the dom punishes the sub for an infraction but instead of a cathartic release, the sub starts to feel resentful and remains sullen through aftercare/refuses aftercare outright (not sure which would be better yet).

What would be a) the ideal reaction from the dom leading to a resolution and b) what would be the realistic reaction from the dom?

Thanks in advance!

I mean... I don't know how to make that interesting in a story because what would happen is that now it's time to sit down and have a long, boring talk about our relationship.

The job of the dom is to take care of the sub, like that's the point, so depending on the personality of the dom, it's going to be however they react when they feel like a failure- because I'm sure that's what they'd be feeling. And different people react differently to that. Some people are open and honest and work through their feelings with good communication to find out WHY their sub felt that way and change their behavior for the next session- this is what a good dom would do.

But not all people are super good at relationships, and some people internalize failure and let themselves get messed up over it. So I could see someone like that feeling like they can't do it, can't be what their sub needs- which would be really shitty irl but would probably make a more interesting story. I've been told that I don't have enough conflict in my stories and this seems like it could be a good source of conflict.

Also, idk how you would refuse aftercare. Like you'd probably still be high, wouldn't you? It takes me a good half hour to come down from a session so I don't know how the hell you'd snap back fast enough to refuse like, you know, REALLY refuse, in your right state of mind kind of deal. Being in subspace is like being on shrooms or acid, like yeah you might fight and say stupid shit, but I, personally, don't think it should count as a real refusal. Like... you should probably still, as a dom, stay with the sub and take care of them until they calm down and THEN have that talk. You can't do that shit with somebody while they're still in subspace any more than you can ask someone on shrooms why they're mad at you. Because the sub's not gonna know or make any goddamn sense- or at least I wouldn't. People are different but I don't know that you can just snap out that fast, in general.

Basically, if something goes wrong in a session, and you start to lose your shit (as a sub) you need a good dom to reorient you and talk you down. The only reason I can see for that kind of resentment is that the dom didn't do that- because either they failed to recognize it, which can happen and not be their fault because you didn't remember your safewords or gestures or whatever system you're using- or they did recognize it and purposefully decided to fuck you up- which is just plain not ok. Like that is a relationship ender. That's not 'resentment, that's not something you need to talk about, that's someone continuing a session while knowing that you don't consent to it. So... yeah, get the hell out of my house, I'm throwing all your shit onto the yard and if you don't come and get it I'm having a yard sell.

I don't think the second one happens very much, because most human people aren't completely evil, so I assume your story is more the first one, which is just that the dom made a mistake, failed to notice something or react in time, and now there's a conflict in the relationship where the sub doesn't know that they can trust the dom to pay enough attention or react fast enough, and the dom feels like a failure and expresses that however they would express that with whatever their personality is. I don't know your characters and people react differently to emotions so it's hard for me to make that call.

 

[CandiCame]

Just the theme of DD/lg won't mean an automatic rejection, but how your characters behave may get you into trouble. Those who participate in the 'little' form of kink are still capable of adulting when they have to, but neither of your littles seem capable of turning their kink off, or even pausing it, which might lead some to assume that you are actually describing children and not adults acting as littles. Why doesn't wifey snitch, and tell daddy what's going on?

A quick note about the appeal of Daddy Ds: they are not just supposed to play the role of punisher, but also the role of the ultimate protecter and care giver for their little. Your daddy feels like he's falling short of that by choosing the comfort of another woman over that of his own wife. That does build up quite a bit of conflict for your plot, but perhaps more conflict for potential readers than what you've anticipated.

Why doesn't daddy kick the bitch to the curb, or at least find her another couple in this club to stay with, once he realizes that the littles are incompatible? What is forcing him to keep this other woman in the picture? She's a grown woman, yes? Surely she could take care of herself for a few days, or at least go some place else?

His wife used to be a Domme... so is she a switch, or has their been some massive prior event to cause the personality change? If you're going for the latter, one would image that daddy dearest should be even more protective of her. If the former, why doesn't daddy allow for his wife to top the bratty bitch? Potential tag-team action may have been a missed opportunity.

Just my thoughts, but feel free to ignore all of them. I get where you're going with it, and realize this is a fictional, fantasy piece, but I think those points might garish pushback from those who enjoy that kink. Also--strictly from my own personal experience here--if you do submit this, either way, you may gain a more receptive audience and more constructive feedback if you place it in the Fetish category, but that's also up to you.

There's no "like" button so I don't know how to like... "seconded" someone else's post without doing it this way.

I like this post.

 

[FEELINGLUCKYPUNK]

DOM is no role. its how you are like height, weight, etc. One leaves the factory knowing how to be DOM.

 

[ttvttp]

Dom's need training just like anyone else. They sometimes fail just like a submissive. There are a lot of Dom's who have mentors. You might inherently be a Dom but that doesn't mean you are automatically perfect.