How will you describe ..

[epiphanie_life]

.....

 

[sunandshadow]

Boyfriend material is pretty much the same as husband material.

1. Has job and $ and car, does not live with parents
2. Not known to be a player/manwhore
3. Likes children
4. Kind/protective/nurturing
5. romantic and generous

 

[innocentscribbles]

How will you describe "boy friend material"?

I was tempted to include _ideal_ in the question but I wish to get answers based on your real life experiences.

I would love if anyone can also include their views and/or experiences concerning why they got attracted? (Approaching). What made them get along further? (Strengthening of bond). What lead them towards relationship? (If they are committed). On the negative side, what made you go off the contact/relationship with someone?

I have always been all sport, no play. But, as I look into current relation and the past, I have always faced "easy to be with but not a boyfriend material!" (in approaching stage) or nasty surprises that shake my beliefs about relationship.

Trying to get the better picture with ideas, views and experiences of lit community that I can understand if I am missing something.

I'll give two examples:

1) We'll call him Bob. We met when we were young, just nineteen. It was fun at that age, but we both bought in a little too heavily to the whole "if you spend a lot of time together, you must be committed, and then you might as well be married" B.S. So we got engaged six months into the relationship, but something in the back of both our minds knew better and we kept putting off the Big Day. What didn't work for me where Bob was concerned?

• He was too indecisive for me. "What do you want for dinner, babe?" "I don't know, what do you want?" (A few times a week is fine. I decided what he ate at every damn meal or else he'd starve.)
• Incompatible in bed. I was his first (he wasn't mine, but I wasn't exactly wordly either) but he never gained confidence and took initiative. I don't mind being the aggressor sometimes, but that does get boring pretty quick when it's the only way things develop. I eventually gave up trying; he'd pout at the dry spells but never did anything about it. Boring.
• Different lifestyles. Sometimes different is better. In our case, we started off with "variety" and the gap got wider from there as we aged and grew.

Bob and I were together for five years, and I'll admit it, I cheated on him, and not just once. Why? Because I could. He no longer held my interest, no longer "lit that fire," and I wasn't going to go without. I was young, stupid, selfish, blahblah. Those aren't excuses; it was the cowards way to handle what was obviously an incompatible relationship that should have ended after the first year, but it happened and it's in the past. I learned a lot about what I did NOT want and would not put up with at least, and also learned that it's a lot better in the long run to have the hard fights and difficult talks than it is to suffer in silence and hope it'll just magically fix itself. It never does.


2) We'll call him Dave. We met about three months after Bob and I separated. I was still a little (okay, a lot) bitter and jaded. Read that to say, men were all weak-willed pusses not worth the effort. I was happy with my drawer of Playtime Friends, and when I was done with them, I shut the drawer and didn't have to listen to them talk. I met Dave as a friend of a friend of a friend, and the only thing we had going for us was a pure physical attraction. We knew nothing else about one another, but he was fresh out of a long-term relationship also. It was simply "lust at first sight" on both our parts, and we were both pretty clear and open about it. The first date started Friday after work, I cancelled Saturday morning plans, and the date didn't end until Sunday night. He came over to my place every night of the work week after that. We were living together four weeks later. Next May will be our 10th anniversary.

"Dave" started out as nothing but sport material, but we "clicked" on every conceivable level. He's decisive (but not an asshole about it), hilarious, smart, well-read, interesting. It sounds so cheesy, but it was like we knew one another after five minutes of really talking. I could list all his fantastic qualities, but what ultimately made it easy for us to discover the "real" us, I think, is that we both went into it with no expectations, no pressures, no pretences. There was no need for either of us to have our guard up and do the pain-in-the-ass first date preening and stupidity because it wasn't supposed to go anywhere. With no need to impress one another, we were both ourselves without the sugarcoating, and liked what we saw. It was the only REAL genuine date I'd ever had. Every other guy I'd ever dated was so busy trying to be impressive that he just came across as fake. I guess it's not the most common way of starting a long-term relationship, but it worked for us.


Whenever someone asks me how to find a perfect "someone," my advice is always to just stop looking. Stop pressuring yourself, worrying about what you need to change about yourself to attract him/her, and just be you. Do what you like, where you like, and don't worry about what others think. That perfect someone will like what they see without the pretence.

 

[satindesire]

Initially, I usually date people that attract me through their personality. Looks matter to a certain extent, but I tended to avoid really good looking people because I don't like egotistical folks at all. Not all attractive people are egotistical, but it happens too often, so I shy away from perfect 10's.

I like funny people that are highly intelligent, who are compassionate and love animals. People that have serious passions like cooking, or hiking...no matter what it is, they love that certain thing and are good at it, who aren't afraid to express their emotions, and who are strong-willed and independent. I like people with Dominant, assertive personalities and the "clingy" type that really love spending LOTS of time with their partner. If a person is away with their friends rather than with me all the time, that's a deal breaker. I also love nerdy people who like typical 'geek' stuff like video games, comics, Star Trek, DnD, etc.

Good boyfriend material is everything above, plus they need to have a decent fashion sense and good hygiene. I also love dark complexions, so almost every person I've been seriously involved with has been either deeply suntanned and brunet or ethnic (Latino, Asian, Black, etc), I'm almost never attracted to blonds.

I'm a pretty confident person, so generally I approach the person I'm attracted to first. I like to be pretty direct in the fact that I'm interested in them and would like to go out on a date.

Bonding with me is pretty easy. I fall in love quickly and love completely. When I'm in love, my life revolves around making that person happy. I go out of my way on a daily basis to show that person in whatever way they like, that I love them, whether it's sex, affection, buying gifts, cooking, whatever. I'm entirely devoted, totally loyal and extremely submissive. I coddle and totally spoil my partners.

Things that would make me end the relationship are abuse, neglect, or infidelity. I'm a very patient person and extremely committed to maintaining honest and compassionate communication during the relationship, so almost everything else I'm positive we could work through. But those three things are totally unacceptable to me.

 

[Christopher2012]

I'll give two examples:

1) We'll call him Bob. We met when we were young, just nineteen. It was fun at that age, but we both bought in a little too heavily to the whole "if you spend a lot of time together, you must be committed, and then you might as well be married" B.S. So we got engaged six months into the relationship, but something in the back of both our minds knew better and we kept putting off the Big Day. What didn't work for me where Bob was concerned?

• He was too indecisive for me. "What do you want for dinner, babe?" "I don't know, what do you want?" (A few times a week is fine. I decided what he ate at every damn meal or else he'd starve.)
• Incompatible in bed. I was his first (he wasn't mine, but I wasn't exactly wordly either) but he never gained confidence and took initiative. I don't mind being the aggressor sometimes, but that does get boring pretty quick when it's the only way things develop. I eventually gave up trying; he'd pout at the dry spells but never did anything about it. Boring.
• Different lifestyles. Sometimes different is better. In our case, we started off with "variety" and the gap got wider from there as we aged and grew.

Bob and I were together for five years, and I'll admit it, I cheated on him, and not just once. Why? Because I could. He no longer held my interest, no longer "lit that fire," and I wasn't going to go without. I was young, stupid, selfish, blahblah. Those aren't excuses; it was the cowards way to handle what was obviously an incompatible relationship that should have ended after the first year, but it happened and it's in the past. I learned a lot about what I did NOT want and would not put up with at least, and also learned that it's a lot better in the long run to have the hard fights and difficult talks than it is to suffer in silence and hope it'll just magically fix itself. It never does.

Wow... This was an eye-opener. I don't even know what to say.

So if the OP didn't get anything out of it, I did.

 

[PertPerth]

I'll give two examples:

1) We'll call him Bob. We met when we were young, just nineteen. It was fun at that age, but we both bought in a little too heavily to the whole "if you spend a lot of time together, you must be committed, and then you might as well be married" B.S. So we got engaged six months into the relationship, but something in the back of both our minds knew better and we kept putting off the Big Day. What didn't work for me where Bob was concerned?

• He was too indecisive for me. "What do you want for dinner, babe?" "I don't know, what do you want?" (A few times a week is fine. I decided what he ate at every damn meal or else he'd starve.)
• Incompatible in bed. I was his first (he wasn't mine, but I wasn't exactly wordly either) but he never gained confidence and took initiative. I don't mind being the aggressor sometimes, but that does get boring pretty quick when it's the only way things develop. I eventually gave up trying; he'd pout at the dry spells but never did anything about it. Boring.
• Different lifestyles. Sometimes different is better. In our case, we started off with "variety" and the gap got wider from there as we aged and grew.

Bob and I were together for five years, and I'll admit it, I cheated on him, and not just once. Why? Because I could. He no longer held my interest, no longer "lit that fire," and I wasn't going to go without. I was young, stupid, selfish, blahblah. Those aren't excuses; it was the cowards way to handle what was obviously an incompatible relationship that should have ended after the first year, but it happened and it's in the past. I learned a lot about what I did NOT want and would not put up with at least, and also learned that it's a lot better in the long run to have the hard fights and difficult talks than it is to suffer in silence and hope it'll just magically fix itself. It never does.

I just had lunch with a friend today - these were his exact complaints. His wife isn't very interested in his job; he's learnt to be okay with that....but her lack of enthusiasm for anything he suggests (such as going out to dinner, holidays, weekends away etc) really gets him down. In addition, he says her calendar is full....and that he's not on it. They seem to be growing apart; she's ignorning it and he really wants to stop that!
I wish I had the answer for him....but all I could do is listen.

 

[niv78]

Initially, I usually date people that attract me through their personality. Looks matter to a certain extent, but I tended to avoid really good looking people because I don't like egotistical folks at all. Not all attractive people are egotistical, but it happens too often, so I shy away from perfect 10's.

I like funny people that are highly intelligent, who are compassionate and love animals. People that have serious passions like cooking, or hiking...no matter what it is, they love that certain thing and are good at it, who aren't afraid to express their emotions, and who are strong-willed and independent. I like people with Dominant, assertive personalities and the "clingy" type that really love spending LOTS of time with their partner. If a person is away with their friends rather than with me all the time, that's a deal breaker. I also love nerdy people who like typical 'geek' stuff like video games, comics, Star Trek, DnD, etc.

Good boyfriend material is everything above, plus they need to have a decent fashion sense and good hygiene. I also love dark complexions, so almost every person I've been seriously involved with has been either deeply suntanned and brunet or ethnic (Latino, Asian, Black, etc), I'm almost never attracted to blonds.

I'm a pretty confident person, so generally I approach the person I'm attracted to first. I like to be pretty direct in the fact that I'm interested in them and would like to go out on a date.

Bonding with me is pretty easy. I fall in love quickly and love completely. When I'm in love, my life revolves around making that person happy. I go out of my way on a daily basis to show that person in whatever way they like, that I love them, whether it's sex, affection, buying gifts, cooking, whatever. I'm entirely devoted, totally loyal and extremely submissive. I coddle and totally spoil my partners.

Things that would make me end the relationship are abuse, neglect, or infidelity. I'm a very patient person and extremely committed to maintaining honest and compassionate communication during the relationship, so almost everything else I'm positive we could work through. But those three things are totally unacceptable to me.

Excellent post, that is what I look for in a woman and is another reason why I no longer date outside of the D/s world, though every once in a while you can find a submissive that doesn't know that she is or doesn't know that it IS something.

 

[satindesire]

Excellent post, that is what I look for in a woman and is another reason why I no longer date outside of the D/s world, though every once in a while you can find a submissive that doesn't know that she is or doesn't know that it IS something.

True. I certainly didn't know what I was until I found the intertubez. I just knew I was really different from everyone else.

 

[niv78]

True. I certainly didn't know what I was until I found the intertubez. I just knew I was really different from everyone else.

Yeah, I have a sub that did not know she was submissive until I taught her the force.

btw, sorry for thinking you did not know who Al Pacino was

 

[satindesire]

Yeah, I have a sub that did not know she was submissive until I taught her the force.

btw, sorry for thinking you did not know who Al Pacino was

I'm sorry, what honey?

Edit: Oh, nevermind! Hahaha!

 

[niv78]

I'm sorry, what honey?

Edit: Oh, nevermind! Hahaha!

I was taking action on something that you hadn't quite seen yet

 

[innocentscribbles]

Wow... This was an eye-opener. I don't even know what to say.

So if the OP didn't get anything out of it, I did.

On the indecisive front (maybe what was scary?), everyone does a little “I don't care” biz once in a while because sometimes, we just don't care. Sometimes we know our partner has a preference and we're trying to be nice and defer. But when every single decision - big or small, important or insignificant - is met with indecisiveness or indifference, one begins to wonder if any thought takes place between those ears. I think I wore away a healthy layer of tooth enamel from grinding them each time I heard, “Oh I don't know, whatever you want.” I wanted him to make a fuggin' decision at some point in his life. I wanted a partner, someone to have fun with. I didn't want a 19-24 year old helpless infant to take care of when I was 19-24 myself.

As far as the cheating thing, I'm not proud of it, but try though I did (and despite that fairly short summary of five years, I did try, particularly early on), I lost all respect for him. Should have left, sure, but like many relationships no matter the age of those involved, people stay despite misery because there's often a certain comfort level, fear of the unknown afterwards, and though I didn't respect him I did not want to hurt him. So I just cheated; hindsight, I know. In the end, it worked out. I made one final decision for him, and he was rid of me, I was rid of him. We're both better off for it.

I just had lunch with a friend today - these were his exact complaints. His wife isn't very interested in his job; he's learnt to be okay with that....but her lack of enthusiasm for anything he suggests (such as going out to dinner, holidays, weekends away etc) really gets him down. In addition, he says her calendar is full....and that he's not on it. They seem to be growing apart; she's ignorning it and he really wants to stop that!
I wish I had the answer for him....but all I could do is listen.

From being in those shoes, the only suggestion I could make is to try counseling. After he suggests it, he should give a bit of time for her to think about it; there's sure to be an initial “oh no, is it that bad?!” panic and she may need a few weeks to get past that to actually do something.

After that grace period passes, if she's just not willing to make the effort, he has to ultimately make a decision for his own happiness. It sucks being in that position. It's miserable. It hurts. The annoyance and animosity build up so quickly, that really cruel things become possible that we would not normally even consider. Though ending a long-term relationship is always painful, that ache passes with time. Staying in a bad relationship longer just prolongs the agony. And to be perfectly blunt and make myself look like a bigger bitch than I probably already do, when I left that relationship, it didn't even really hurt that much, except for regret that I'd waited so long and resorted to alternatives I shouldn't have. There was a huge sense of relief pretty much the instant the words left my mouth. It was done, and 175 pounds left my shoulders.

That's one of the main things I took away from that relationship. If you really care, fight for it. If you put forth all the effort you can think of and still can't pull it out of the tailspin, we all owe ourselves better than to put up with something that makes us consistently unhappy. Even good relationships have rough spots, so that doesn't mean eject as soon as the honeymoon phase is over, but one person cannot keep a relationship afloat. If both parties won't at least try, happiness can be found elsewhere (or alone).