How were you disciplined as a kid, and how has that affected you?

[SweetErika]

Another thread brought up the great discipline debate, which has also sparked many discussions between my husband and I in the past. Our parents had very different philosophies, and we’ve had a tough time agreeing on which path would be best for our kids.

To start: Were you raised with some type of corporal punishment like spanking, or did your parents handle discipline differently? How has their choice of discipline methods affected you as a person and (potential) parent? Have you and a S.O. ever disagreed on the subject?

I know this can be a very emotional topic, but I’m just curious about beliefs and trust we can share them here without the discussion disintegrating into judgments and insults.

 

[rcuhljr]

I think it's hard to really say wether spanking and such helped me, but I don't think it hurt me, and it got the point across.

 

[Quoll]

It's a good topic, and I suspect we read the same thread.
As kids we were smacked, both at home and at school (the school ones were by far the worse, a lot of those were less about discipline and more about taking out frustrations I think. Damn nuns. )
I honestly have no problems with the way I was brought up and can't think of any times when I got punished for something I didn't do, in fact there were many times I didn't get punished for something I did do.
Even before I was married I decided that my children would be disciplined the same way I was...until my wife got pregnant, theory becomes reality and your whole thought process changes. No spanking or smacking for me, just calmness and patience and lot's of love...another theory bites the dust, two year olds and up don't give a rats arse about calmness, yours or theirs, patience? Their sole purpose in life is to use up every last bit of it that you have.
They are the most adorable people but a nice calm chat wont stop them running out into the traffic, sometimes it needs to be something that will be remembered.
That said, although we have and will continue to smack our children it is a punishment of last resort, five minutes in cobweb corner, or loss of tv priviliges is effective.
Chldren love their parents unconditionally, it is our responsibility to ensure that we do nothing to take that love away, or have our children grow up lost and confused about their parents love towards them.

 

[Saucyminx]

It's a good topic, and I suspect we read the same thread.
As kids we were smacked, both at home and at school (the school ones were by far the worse, a lot of those were less about discipline and more about taking out frustrations I think. Damn nuns. )
I honestly have no problems with the way I was brought up and can't think of any times when I got punished for something I didn't do, in fact there were many times I didn't get punished for something I did do.
Even before I was married I decided that my children would be disciplined the same way I was...until my wife got pregnant, theory becomes reality and your whole thought process changes. No spanking or smacking for me, just calmness and patience and lot's of love...another theory bites the dust, two year olds and up don't give a rats arse about calmness, yours or theirs, patience? Their sole purpose in life is to use up every last bit of it that you have.
They are the most adorable people but a nice calm chat wont stop them running out into the traffic, sometimes it needs to be something that will be remembered.
That said, although we have and will continue to smack our children it is a punishment of last resort, five minutes in cobweb corner, or loss of tv priviliges is effective.
Chldren love their parents unconditionally, it is our responsibility to ensure that we do nothing to take that love away, or have our children grow up lost and confused about their parents love towards them.

But Q, i thought you told me you tied them to a chain link fence and poked them with sticks . . .

 

[Guest]

 

[Munachi]

Except for very rare occasions i didn't receive corporal punishment - like there was no planned one at all, but i guess it happened once or twice that my parents lost temper and gave us a smack. for my own kids, i don't plan corporal punishment either. i think there are other, better ways of getting a point across, and if you have to resort to corporal punishment to get a point across, you never had authority in the first place - and won't get it that way in the long run, imho. a smack on the hand to prevent a very small child to grab a hotplate, or something similar might be exceptions - in that cases i would suppose these measures have less to do with actual punishing, and rather with preventing something from happening. But planned use of violence for a punishment i think would give my children a message i don't want them to learn.

 

[silverwhisper]

hey, i did receive corporeal punishment, but am undecided whether i will pursue that as a parent, you insensitive clod!

ed

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Usually the threat of a spanking was enough to make me mind my manners, but I do remember being spanked once.

Luckily, I have well-behaved girls. I did swat them once, when they were about 8 and 10, for walking to the store without telling me.

I don't think there is anything wrong with corporal punishment, as long as there is sufficient reason, and the child understands why they are being punished.

 

[bobsgirl]

When I was a kid, my mom had THE WOODEN SPOON that she used more as a threat than anything else. So, when I had toddlers, I found my own wooden spoon, used it the same way. My "coming to Jesus" happened when I was so angry and frustrated with my 3-year-old son that I struck out with that damn spoon. Thank God I missed, and it hit the bathroom sink with such force that the spoon broke in half. If I could use such force that it would break the spoon, what kind of damage might I have caused if that blow had landed? I was horrified. So I am not in favor of corporal punishment. I grew up being scared to death of a father who used a belt (never on me). It affects our relationship to this day.

 

[Recidiva]

My parents never hit me. I'm a person that likes to do "the right thing" and so I'm pretty self-correcting. If you can convince me with words, I'll do it. If you can't, no amount of pain will change that.

I never hit my daughter.

My son, though, doesn't respond much to words or reason, and occasionally he needs physical pain to draw a line he can't comprehend and needs to understand not to cross. It's more like biological highlighter and a reminder for him.

I think it has very much to do with how you process feedback from your environment. Some people really do need a physical component, because the words or examples mean nothing to them.

 

[phoenix1224]

I was spanked and would definitely spank my kids when necessary (if I'm ever lucky enough to have kids).

One thing that I've observed is that the kids that are most out of control today are the kids whose parents don't believe in spanking... These parents like to give "time-outs" and logically discuss the bad behavior with the child as if they are nothing more than tiny adults... Well, trying to logically discuss bad behavior with a child (who is totally emotion driven) is like talking to a brick wall.

A parent's duty is to prepare a child for the real world... Once out in the real world, bad behavior has an immediate consequence (getting arrested) and a long-term consequence (a prison sentence)... And of course, there is always the ability to have time cut from one's sentence for good behavior and have time added for bad behavior... I believe that a child should be raised to truly understand this.

If a child misbehaves, there is the immediate consequence of a spanking and then the long-term consequence of being grounded and having all privilages (tv, video games, etc.) taken away. If the child behaves during the long-term punishment, then either time can be taken off the grounding or limited privilages can be given back. If the child misbehaves, then additional time can be added to the grounding and additional privilages (like dessert after a meal) can be taken away.

I'm not going to lie and say that I don't believe that my parents got carried away with the spanking (there were many times that I believe that I was hit only due to my parents anger and frustration). But, used when necessary (not out of anger and frustration), I believe that, not only is it not detrimental to a child, but it is truly beneficial.

 

[Guest]

 

[emap]

I was spanked some, not a whole lot, I was a devious bad girl.

I wasn't spanked after 12 though, not sure if my parents understood this or not, but actually a good thing, if I was caught doing something they grounded me, took away TV and made me read a book in my room.

Why not being spanked after 12 a good thing is a simple little thing, generally from 11-12 your child's mind starts doing rational thought, I mean it becomes the basis of the decision process. Before then kids can think things through, but you have to make them and it's still not much of a factor in the decision process, after then it's the biggest part of the decision process. Of course as we all know teenagers are moody, so groundings are a good thing because you force them to sit and think about what they did to end up there, generally ways to not end up there again, but hey it's a start.

 

[EJFan]

i don't think i experienced anything unusual growing up so i won't bother outlining various forms of punishment and/or what brought them on. my parents were divorced when i was very young (like 3 maybe) and both took very different views... my mother was more of a corporal punisher and my father was not. in fact, i rarely remember my father disciplining me at all but i think that's mostly due to the fact that i never did anything bad/wrong when i was with him.

essentially, my mother would react to something i'd done wrong pretty swiftly and physically (not inflicting harm but definitely getting her point across). my father seemed to be the kind of parent who understood that kids make mistakes and bad choices and was more interested in making sure they learned from them rather than inflicting an overt punishment... i tend to believe this is the better course of action as long as it works.

generally, i think the best philosophy for child rearing and discipline is to figure out what works best with your child (as every child is different)... what has the deepest, longest lasting affect... and using that method regularly. if you can't function in this sort of metaperception mode (being in your kid's head) then you really can't be an effective parent.

 

[jadefirefly]

My sister and I were spanked as children. I don't think that it caused us to grow up into maladjusted adults; we sure as hell didn't grow up into spoiled adults, and that means quite a bit to me.

I chose that I do not choose it for my child however. Only because I don't think -- although it's yet to be tested -- that I could bring myself to actually lay a hand on my son.

Currently, though, he's being raised by my parents, so that decision is up to them. So far, I think the worst he's gotten is a hand-slap. My mom never liked spanking, and I think spent a lot of time thinking about how she could have better handled those situations, so I believe they'll be taking a less hands-on approach to him, unless really necessary.

 

[vanelane]

I was just discussing this very thing with my two six year olds last night. They're in kindergarten and their teachers have this system of keeping order involving clothespins on a colored strip of cloth hanging on the wall. Each child has a clothespin with his name on it and they all start out on the green section. Misbehaviour can cause you to move your clothespin to yellow (warning), blue (lose a privilege) or red (in my daughter's class - horrid things we can't imagine 'cause no ones *ever* gone there; in my son's it varies -trip to the principal, or lose another privilege, not consistent).

In our house, they lose a privilege first or go to their room to calm down, but we do a fair amount of butt-whackin'. Open hand, on the bottom.

Last night my son asked when we were going to get clothespins here at the house and I said I prefer butt-whackin'. He said yeah, but with clothespins you get like three chances.....

We're sticking with our own methods.

(Silly aside; this same child piped up with the standard answer in the car the other day; one of his sisters asked for something, Daddy said no, she said you're mean, brother pipes up "That's his job!")

 

[jadefirefly]

My family still has a running joke that we have "The Meanest Daddy in the Whole Wide World."

 

[Eilan]

My parents used their hands, my dad's belt, towels, shoes--you get the idea. Whatever was handy at the time and on whatever body part they could reach. And verbal/emotional "discipline."

I spent a lot of weekends and school vacations with my maternal grandparents, and I don't recall that my either of my grandparents ever laid a hand on me, though I know that my grandma spanked my brother with a flyswatter a handful of times.

To this day, the sounds that a belt makes when it's being buckled or unbuckled make me anxious.

For my own children, I'm not above using one swat on a well-padded bottom, but it's an absolute last resort. What works best at our house, particular for my oldest children, is a loss of privileges. The time-out, or the No Fun Chair that my sister-in-law uses, has never worked for us. I'll send them to their room, and while I know that they have toys in their room to play with and it's not really a time out per se, it benefits both me and the child who's in trouble because we're separated from each other. We both get to cool down.

I don't think, however, that there's a "one-size-fits-all" method of disciplining children. All children are different. A sharp look might cause my three-year-old to burst into tears, while my kindergartener is more of a limit-tester.

 

[kiwichyck]

We were both disciplined by spanking as children. Well.....I was spanked and my DH was beaten (if you want to be really accurate).

We've had a zillion arguments over the years over disciplining our kids, he thinks I'm' too soft, I think he's too hard, but mostly we reach a relatively happy medium. I have had to learn to bow to his judgment a bit, I came from a family of very compliant children, whereas he and his siblings were the type of kids to run rings around parents who gave out too much rope.

Our kids are stubborn and very strong willed. We use every method of discipline available, and mix it up often or the kids don't respond to it any more.

They are spanked occasionally. Usually it's the little ones to protect them from harm, or it's for a major infraction that they've been disciplined or warned for more than once. In those situations, a hand is not sufficient. They will turn around and give us a 'drop dead' look. If it doesn't get a reaction from them, it's a waste of time.

Currently we're on a financial punishment cycle. Groundings were no longer effective, and spankings were getting too frequent, so it was time to mix it up. Punishment consists of monetary fines out of their allowance. Our kids don't get their hands on cash too often, so that is proving quite effective.

 

[SweetErika]

This is really interesting to me, guys. Thanks to all who have responded thus far!

Apart from a couple of times my dad was angry, I was never spanked. The funny thing is that I don't remember what I did those few times, or anything other than thinking how weird it was for my dad to punish me in a physical way. On the other hand, I clearly recall most of the other offenses, non-physical punishments and lessons. I remember my mom going 'on strike' when I was mean and took her for granted, the time-out followed by my mom taking away my favorite board game and my best friend home when I was a poor loser, working hard to earn back trust and privileges when I abused them, and my parents expressing disappointment in my actions (it was always phrased, "We love you unconditionally, and will always love and be proud of Erika the person, but we're extremely disappointed in your behavior." ) when I misbehaved.

Thinking back on this, I still feel the shame and disappointment in myself that I did back then. My mom in particular was excellent at helping me see the error of my ways and cooking up punishments that fit the crimes and helped me learn the important lessons. Often she'd express her upset and the fact that she was sending me to my room to think about my actions while she considered appropriate consequences...often just imagining what she might be pondering was punishment enough.

Needless to say, these consequences were huge deterrents, and it usually only took one crime and punishment to do the job. I truly believe her non-physical punishments were far more painful and effective than spankings could ever be. I'm very thankful for the way I was disciplined because it usually kept me from repeating mistakes and helped me avoid a lot of pain along the way.

After seeing the efficacy of this approach in myself and even the most troubled, misbehaving kids I've worked with, we will definitely use it with our children. My husband and I agree the same method doesn't work for every kid, but adjustments can be made to fit each individual, and we're prepared to work hard to tailor this approach to our kidlets.

 

[wally2450]

I got three whacks with dad's belt a few times and a few swats in school. Got my attention really quick! DIdn't bother me a bit later on.

 

[NaiveOne]

I was spanked every now and then, when I was really rotten. Hard to believe, eh? But I don't feel like I was abused and hasn't affected me in any negative ways that I am aware of.

However, on the other hand there are other things that have affected me negatively. Like chores. I know they are supposed to make you more responsible and provide a contribution to the family unit. But I was forced so many times to weed the garden. To plant or pick vegetables. That I now hate gardening! Absolutely hate it. Same thing with emptying the dishwasher. I'd rather spend the extra time and wash my dishes than load them in the dishwasher over time, but then have to empty it after it is run. I don't think this is personal preference, I think it is a result of being forced and yelled at and threatened to do the chores. Most of the time I was made to do it when they wanted me to, not on my own time.

Weird, I know. And maybe I was a lazy, terrible daughter who deserved it. I don't know.

 

[jadefirefly]

I was spanked every now and then, when I was really rotten. Hard to believe, eh? But I don't feel like I was abused and hasn't affected me in any negative ways that I am aware of.

However, on the other hand there are other things that have affected me negatively. Like chores. I know they are supposed to make you more responsible and provide a contribution to the family unit. But I was forced so many times to weed the garden. To plant or pick vegetables. That I now hate gardening! Absolutely hate it. Same thing with emptying the dishwasher. I'd rather spend the extra time and wash my dishes than load them in the dishwasher over time, but then have to empty it after it is run. I don't think this is personal preference, I think it is a result of being forced and yelled at and threatened to do the chores. Most of the time I was made to do it when they wanted me to, not on my own time.

Weird, I know. And maybe I was a lazy, terrible daughter who deserved it. I don't know.

YES. Exactly.

My ex-husband wanted to buy a house. I would have nothing to do with it, because I refused to have to do the yard-work. I was the only one who mowed the lawn from the time I was 13. My sister and I raked god only knows how many leaves every fall and had to drag them back behind the garage. Just the small, annoying things that we were yelled at to do, when THEY wanted -- and they'd never notice when you did them on time or did them right, but god knows they'd get on your case if you missed them or did them wrong -- were enough to put me off those basic chores for years.

 

[fgarvb1]

Look up Adult Children Of Alcoholics.

That was my family.

Nuff said!

 

[Halo_n_horns]

My wife and I have always held a strict guideline for punishment with our son.

Verbal warning

Verbal reinforcement with ONE swat on the ass (clothed)

Verbal reinforcement with TWO swats on the ass (clothed)

Verbal reinforcement with THREE swats on the ass (unclothed), and then he sits in a chair and thinks about his situation until we tell him otherwise.

We NEVER go against one another if he's being punished. He never gets the opportunity to effectively work one of us against the other.

He's ten, about to turn eleven. We haven't gotten past one swat on his clothed ass since he was about five, and I don't even need a whole hand full of fingers to count how many times a year he's gone past the verbal warning.

The verbal warnings remain fairly regular.