How to Tell Mom and Dad..

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Okay... I know it's as easy as saying..
"Hey Mom and Dad... I'm Bi-sexual."
But does it really work? I'm turning 21 on the 20th of this month (Yay!) And I've known I've been bi-sexual since I was 16.. I'm comfortable with it as a person and who I am and from what I've read and seen in other my age That downright amazing.. 'r something. But to my point.. My younger brother knows. all of my friends know, my co-workers know. I just can't bring myself to tell my parents and though it's not somethign thats nagging me it does make me feel like there is a brick wall in my way when discussing things with my parents. Or are my spider senses reading teh right thing here and not telling them is the best thing? I've lost friends over my sexual orintation growing up. and takeing another girl to prom didn't help my standing with school mates. And how much of my sexual hobbies should I tell them? It's very frusterating. All parent love to needle their kids abit but when my father makes comments about haveing sex with my mother on the family living room couch.. I want to just say "So what? I've had sex with Sara on that couch before." Or go into explicit detail about some sexual encounter or another in my past. Am I just being paranoid? Or Are my fears justified? I know it's hard to sit hear and read this and say something will or will not work.. but ANY input would be great!

thoroughly frusterated and confused

 

[watergirl]

My thoughts:

Lots of looky-lus, but no advice? For shame, litsters!

DarkLadyofDeath -

While I am all in favor of being honest with yourself and others about your sexuality, there are some issues to consider here.

Are your parents extremely religious or conservative? Are they going to disown you? Kick you out? Refuse to pay for college?

Why do you feel the need to tell them about your sexual activities and hobbies?!? Most human beings are embarrassed at the idea of talking to their parents about sex, or thinking about their parents having sex. Hurrah for you - it sounds like your mom & dad are great role models of a couple that loves each other, emotionally and physically. That's great.

Does it need to be a big dramatic moment of seriousness when you tell them? Or could you slip it in - ask your mom in a quiet moment if she ever kissed a girlfriend, back before she was married... then maybe tell her that you have, and that you really enjoyed it. See how she reacts - that should give you an indication of her attitude, and how to tell her, at least, that you are and have been actively bisexual.

Think of it this way - if you were straight, would you feel the need to tell them you've been having sex with your boyfriend? Do you want them to be proud of your choice, and applaud you? Do you just need their acceptance of your sexual choices? Do you want a big dramatic Jerry Springer fight?

You went to prom with a girlfriend - I'm assuming it wasn't because neither of you could get boys to go with you. Did your parents know? Do you think they know, but have their heads in the sand like, "If we don't see her kissing girls, it doesn't happen?" There are a lot of things you haven't said about your family's religion, attitudes, and how much independence you have from them, or how much financial/emotional support you need.

Good luck, babe!

 

[Monazwx]

Why are you telling in the first place?

Not questioning your decision to tell, but I'm wondering if its the closeness of the relationship.
Are you wondering if they'll love you less if you tell them about your tendencies?

Mona

 

[Hairgrip]

i guess, since i never had to tell my parents that i'm straight i have a somewhat different perspective of your situation. i tend not to discuss my sex life with my parents either - mostly cause it has nothing to do with them, they have their secrets, i have mine. that said, when i have had problems with my contraception, due to allergies, i have been able to sit down with my mum and talk about it.

i would reckon that testing the waters is good, find out what they would think before you take the leap and tell them. most of all though, take some time to work out WHY you think they need to know. is it so you can bring some one home to be part of your family? or is it so that you can say 'hey look at me'? maybe you want to have some parental approval, so that you can feel ok with everything?

most of the people i know have chosen not to tell their parents until there is someone important in their lives that they want them to meet....

good luck in what ever descision you come to.

how about others who have had to come out to their parents, or who have chosen to do so, could share their experiences here?

Hx

 

[sensational204]

Hi Darklady, I'm with Mona here. Why do they need to know? I mean, unless you are getting into a long term relationship with another woman and you want to introduce them to your parents, I don't think it's something they need to know. Your sexual preferences are your own private business.

I think your parents only need to know if you're getting really serious with someone. And then just talking about them to your parents is the perfect way to bring it up.

 

[~*sunkyssed_kym*~]

I agree

Dark Lady, as others have stated, why must you tell your parents anything??? I must say that I laughed at Hairgrip's response that she never told her parents she was straight. But all humour aside, I don't think its an issue that they really need to know. Its your life after all!
On that note; if my daughter came to me and felt she had to confess that she was Bi, I'd ask her why she felt I really needed to know that information. Btw, she's several years older than yourself. Can you see where I'm heading??
Keep it to only those who it may affect and don't go shouting it from the mountain tops. Broadcasting one's sexual preferences is so over done. You are what You are. Simple as that.
Enjoy your life, and don't buy into what other's try and tell you to do Darlin.
Best wishes to you Dark Lady

-kym- OK!! I'm really a Het female!! Everyone happy now???!

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Wow overwhelming responses so soon. And I did sit back and think about a few thinks asked here. Why do I feel like I have to tell them? I think partially because I haven't really hid anything from them. They know I went to prom with another girl. And yes we both where capable of takeing guys 'n going on the traditional date if you will. If we're watchign a movie and an actesss is hot 'r comments are being made I'll hope right in with my own. It's just never come up in conversation. So I think my reasoning here Is if they they're head are "stuck in the sand" I want them to be able to talk to me about it. As for being so open with my parents. That how it's always been with me and them. I don't tell them EVERYTHING.. But no subject isn't broached.

But to that point I also feel like I have to talk about it because my parents have no preamble about talking about sex infront of me. Granted they don't go into great detail and it bugs me more then anything. and yes I have made it a point to tell them. My finacial situation with them is dependent but, I do have friends that are very supportive and are willing to shack me up until things cooled off.

But I'm thinking I'm gonna wait until I do have a relationship to push the situation 'n idea. My mother is extreamely religious and was not keen on my dropping from the church when I turned 16. But my father will explode about something before he thinks rationally. So for very different reasons I think they will be upset at first.

And yes I do think abit of it is wanting their acceptance ont his. Because their oppinions do matter to me.. prolly more then I should but I do feel liek I need them to say Ok.. for me to be comfortable around them with it. I've always had female and male friends about but they've always bee very leary about guys staying over ect. Understandable but I'm almost 21 and thay still won't budge though they where married at a very young age and living together. It just feels so much like lieing if I don't say anything.. but I also know saying somethign will at first garner negative reactions which I don't want.

a rock 'n a hard place... blah.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

ITA with sensational

 

[DuckLover]

Personal choice

Whether, when, and how to tell your parents is a very personal choice. My sister is bi and opted to come out to the folks through online chat. The relationship you have with your parents is going to be one of the biggest factors is deciding the question of telling them.

I think that telling your parents, in a non-confrontational way (avoid "I'm bi! Deal with it!" if possible), is very different from announcing it to the world. These are the people who raised you and it sounds like you're fairly close. As noted by MY-Sir's-k, it's part of who you are. You told your siblings, presumably for that reason! In some ways, it's similar to telling family about your plans for college, a tatoo, getting married, enlisting, or any other major life change. (Granted, the change is 5 years old in your case, but still...)

If, in the end, you suspect a highly negative reaction, then not telling, or approaching it slowly may be the right method. Is there an aunt/uncle you could talk to about telling your folks? A good friend of theirs? The Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual student group on your campus (or the counseling center) will have people who are trained and knowledgable about helping you decide WHETHER to tell your parents and then HOW to tell them. I urge you to use those resources.

 

[Noneyabizness]

Wow overwhelming responses so soon. And I did sit back and think about a few thinks asked here. Why do I feel like I have to tell them? I think partially because I haven't really hid anything from them. They know I went to prom with another girl. And yes we both where capable of takeing guys 'n going on the traditional date if you will. If we're watchign a movie and an actesss is hot 'r comments are being made I'll hope right in with my own. It's just never come up in conversation. So I think my reasoning here Is if they they're head are "stuck in the sand" I want them to be able to talk to me about it. As for being so open with my parents. That how it's always been with me and them. I don't tell them EVERYTHING.. But no subject isn't broached.

But to that point I also feel like I have to talk about it because my parents have no preamble about talking about sex infront of me. Granted they don't go into great detail and it bugs me more then anything. and yes I have made it a point to tell them. My finacial situation with them is dependent but, I do have friends that are very supportive and are willing to shack me up until things cooled off.

But I'm thinking I'm gonna wait until I do have a relationship to push the situation 'n idea. My mother is extreamely religious and was not keen on my dropping from the church when I turned 16. But my father will explode about something before he thinks rationally. So for very different reasons I think they will be upset at first.

And yes I do think abit of it is wanting their acceptance ont his. Because their oppinions do matter to me.. prolly more then I should but I do feel liek I need them to say Ok.. for me to be comfortable around them with it. I've always had female and male friends about but they've always bee very leary about guys staying over ect. Understandable but I'm almost 21 and thay still won't budge though they where married at a very young age and living together. It just feels so much like lieing if I don't say anything.. but I also know saying somethign will at first garner negative reactions which I don't want.

a rock 'n a hard place... blah.

With what you've said above, maybe they already suspect your attraction to women, but just never said anything.....just a thought.

 

[lovechild27]

Is telling your parents really that important? I know its your sexuality...but do you have relationships with females? If this is just a sexual kink...then I would advise to not tell them. If you find yourself emotionally drawn to females, just make sure this is a path you will find yourself going down. I say that because if you do end up changin your mind (like many bi sexuals do when they are young) you dont cause undue upset. You know how conservative your parents are...how religious...if they are religious you may run into a lot of opposition. I wish you luck though!

 

[Native Alien]

i have to agree with love child here. she brings up a very valid point and i would say just wait and let things progress as they do. you may find that the person that you want for a life partner is of the opposite sex and they will then question that decision forever and a day.

if you have found your life partner, and it is a female, then give it time.

as to them talking about sex in front of you, they do it for the shock value. just like the things that we used to say as kids just to see the reaction. i know cause my dad still does it to me on occasion.

 

[SexyGiggles]

I've had a few friends and relatives come out to their families as gay/bi in a letter. One of my friends sent kind of the annual christmas type letter, but instead of "Happy Holidays", it's "I'm happy, I've found who I am, and I want you to know about it". For the most part, everyone reacted well -- the letter showed to everyone that she had been thinking about this for a long time, and that this was what she found about herself, and that she was proud, happy, and available to answer any and all questions people may have. She sent it to close family and friends because she wanted them to know, she didn't want to keep getting the "when are you getting married", "when are you having children", "how come you don't have a man in your life" questions. And now everyone asks "when are you going through a committment ceremony", "when are you adopting children", and "how come you don't have a partner in your life"...

If it's important to you to have the support of your family, then they need to know. They'll likely have questions ("is this just a phase?" and "do you think it has to do with the folks divorce" were among the favorites I've heard over the years), so be prepared and open to answering them.

Good luck!

 

[PixieSteph]

and takeing another girl to prom didn't help my standing with school mates.

How did you take another girl to the prom without your parents knowing?

It seems like you feel like you should tell them . . . clear the air if it'll help.

 

[zantac666]

Why tell my mom never new.

But you said you took a girl to the prom maybe they alrady know but if they love you then it won't matter to them as long as you are happy.

Just enjoy life and the time will come and you will tell them.

 

[KisstheSky]

Sweetie, as someone who knows you and knows your parents I think they may have at least some idea....unless they're even more naive than we give them credit for heh.
Taking Sara to Prom was one thing, and then there's the way you act with Jay-and even sometimes me *wink*
Plus you're pretty vocal on occasion on if you think a girl is hot or not, etc...
I think they might have some issues with it, but in the end they're your parents and they love you and they'll get over it.
I don't talk to my parents about sexual stuff period and they pretty much leave me be, even though I know my mom has found my sex toys, condoms, bondage wear etc...they used to think I was a full fledged lesbian, they were wrong and I proved that by datin lots o' men, but lately I've been bi-curious but thats none of their business.
I say if you get serious with a girl and want to present her to your parents as your girlfriend then ok, but otherwise what you do behind closed doors in none of their business, I mean are you gonna tell them you love BDSM? hehe.....love ya you kinky bitch
*ravishes you*

 

[Krypt_Mistress]

At 21, it very well could just be a phase. You say you've known since you were 16. I've been interested in girls since I was 13, I'm 21 now, and I'm still considering the fact that I could grow out of it. I've tried most things with both sexes, and I enjoy it all for what it gives, but I'd still say I'm still in the confused area of things.

However, away from that. As for parents knowing. I don't know why the urge to tell them, my parents know very little of what I get upto in general, and I've always kept it like that. I barely let them know I like guys, I don't think I'd ever blurt out to say that I was bi. But then again, if they found out of their own accord, I wouldn't be ashamed...

But really, I think you should just do what you want to do, and tell them only if you feel things getting serious between yourself and a girl. I mean I went to my senior dance with my best female friend, we danced all night, and shared a bed that night, but nothing was going on. We truly were just friends, to my parents, it probably looked like we were lesbians - we also went out of choice with each other rather than guys, me because at that point my boyfriend was at another school and couldn't attend my senior dance and her, because she's just wasn't interested in any guys.

However, I am rambling (its late and not thinking straight... no pun intended). I do agree with people above who say you have no reason to rush to tell your parents, I feel it's only necessary if a relationship between yourself and another girl becomes serious.

Take Care

 

[Guest]

why would anyone tell their parents about their sexual preferences? That is private information that they dont need to know. If you feel people will shun you because of your bisexuality, do not divulge such info.
Should you tell them and they cant accept you, its their loss.
As for me, it will be over my dead body when I change because someone tells me I am wrong about my pref's. Life is too short, have fun and experiment.

 

[DarkLadyOfDeath]

Gods I feel like a mook.

And No I'm not ashamed of what I like 'r how I like it. If I did. I'de still be with my Ex, pretending I like to play a log.

No it doesn't really matter if they know 'r not, I just don't want them to be ashamed or hesitant to ask or talk to me about it if it does bother them?

But like I said before. I'll wait 'n let them make the first move. Or when/ if it comes to a point of introduceing them to a girlfriend.

Kiss, Thanks hun. I know it unnerved you when we where younger for me to "come out" to you, jay 'n some of my other close friends. it did traumatize me abit when you ahem.. freaked. But it was understandabel 'n lookign back it wasn't something that really needed to be said at the time. Only that I knew I enjoyed stareing at other females asses 'n tits. But you guys are here for me now. and I appreciate that.

Hows that new crop?

And I can only hope to encourage your kinkyness.

So no I don't want that to happen all over again with my parents.

Very Valid points from so many people. Kry, De sade, Thank you.