How to: talk your partner into sharing

[RomanSteel]

How would you or how do you think one should approach the subject of "sharing" your significant other with someone else?

Some reasons why to approach the situation:

1. Say your S.O hasn't ever wanted to share / thought about it.

2. You think it might be something to liven things up or to fulfill a fantasy.

3. You've thought about it but want to discuss timidly and not to hurt your S.O's feelings.

4. Your S.O has lost all drive to have sex/physical intimacy but you love them and they're not fond of anything sexual.


But how do you go about it?
I'm sure a few out there have ideas or have wondered
how some people would go about it.

(it also helps with story building *smiles* )

 

[Runr4Life]

I've had the pleasure of being with several couples, and from what I gather, they usually started with a video to watch, and the conversation carried over from there. Don't push the issue if they find it too much, but even keeping as a fantasy and role playing it can lead to something later on...

Either way, it could be fun for all....

 

[StrayKat]

I dont see it as sharing, unless we talk about him and me sharing the fun. I see it as multiplying the pleasure. But then my husband doesnt fuck around on his own. We do that together. That other person is very little more than just a fucktoy in my mind. We share her (or him).

The idea of sharing a man I own with anyone else I could only accept in some kind of genuine loving poly relationship. Other than that I simply dont share.

As for how to approach the subject without above semantics, I cant really say. Saying directly what turns you on works best on me personally. But I hardly ever turn down anything that could even remotely sound like fun.

 

[amofiga]

If it seems that your partner has never expressed any interest in sharing, it could be difficult, and disastrous to simply drop it out there on the table like a dead fish. Some partners or spouses do not have any wish to do this and have very negative feelings about those who do. They may have very strong negative feelings about it, either because they feel it is either immoral, because they are insecure about doing it themselves, or because they are insecure about the risks they perceive in maintaining a stable relationship afterwards. I learned this the hard way. Speaking as one who has not successfully achieved this with my spouse, I can only offer alternatives which I have seen work in other situations or with other people.

Ways I think you could bring the subject up for discussion and consideration include:

1) Finding a documentary movie or article in a magazine that you "just happen to have come across" and casually wonder why some people like doing this and if your partner has ever wondered about the same thing or fantasized about it. Don't be surprised to have shit thrown back in your face.
2) Mention that you know someone at work or school or whereever that has done this sort of thing and go through the same discussion as above. Maybe be a little surprised that this particular couple that you know never seemed like the type to do it, but that it's kind of fascinating, arousing, maybe it's the kind of thing that can turbo charge a fading sex life. Again, be prepared to duck if/when the shit is thrown.
3) If your partner enjoys reading the types of erotic stories that are published here or even in the "erotic litertature" section that they used to have (maybe still do) at Barnes and Noble, find one that addresses sharing in a very positive way. Offer it to them to read saying how much you enjoyed it. Maybe even read it togetger and see if the discussion starts. If your partner does not like reading such literature, scratch this approach.

I suppose the type of sharing you want is also important. Trying to get your wife/SO to agree to a FFM threesome may be more difficult than either a MMF threesome or couples foursome. I think a lot of women don't like to share their men, but may be willing to be shared by their man and another or more willing to let their man have a different partner if they themselves feel that they aren't being left in the cold. Just my impression based on some things I've heard from women.

Another consideration is the type of sharing, i.e. some sort of hit and run with a stranger(s) who are nothing more than pieces of meat, or sharing with another couple that you both like and are compatible with. They type of couple that you'd go to dinner and a movie with. I personally always felt that a simple uncomplicated relationship with a compatible couple we knew well and could say, vacation with and swap bedrooms every other night, would be wonderful. Unfortonately, my fantasies and those of my wife with regards to this sort of activity are 180 degrees out of phase.

Good luck. I'd love to hear how it works out for you. Maybe it would give me motivation for trying again

 

[roomfor1more]

How would you or how do you think one should approach the subject of "sharing" your significant other with someone else?

Some reasons why to approach the situation:

1. Say your S.O hasn't ever wanted to share / thought about it.

2. You think it might be something to liven things up or to fulfill a fantasy.

3. You've thought about it but want to discuss timidly and not to hurt your S.O's feelings.

4. Your S.O has lost all drive to have sex/physical intimacy but you love them and they're not fond of anything sexual.


But how do you go about it?
I'm sure a few out there have ideas or have wondered
how some people would go about it.

(it also helps with story building *smiles* )

To begin with sharing does not fix the issue of lack of desire or lack of intimacy, from my experience it can only make it worse. In addition if you are looking to liven things up, based on your question, I feel it will but probably not in the way you would like it. Instead you need to find a way to solve the intimacy and desire issues without resorting to sharing. My own feeling, once you address that problem the other questions may become clearer on how to approach them.

 

[silverwhisper]

romansteel quoth:
how would you or how do you think one should approach the subject of "sharing" your significant other with someone else?

some reasons why to approach the situation:

1. say your SO hasn't ever wanted to share / thought about it.
2. you think it might be something to liven things up or to fulfill a fantasy.
3. you've thought about it but want to discuss timidly and not to hurt your SO's feelings.
4. your SO has lost all drive to have sex/physical intimacy but you love them and they're not fond of anything sexual.

but how do you go about it? i'm sure a few out there have ideas or have wondered how some people would go about it.

(it also helps with story building *smiles* )

given the foregoing: i wouldn't broach the subject, ever. adding a 3rd person in the bedroom is a stressor on a relationship, and it's clear the relationship isn't in the best health in the first place. instead, fixing what's wrong in the relationship first should be your priority. i would think that expanding the possible bedroom options should be a remote secondary priority in this context.

1. SOs who haven't ever considered the prospect need to be introduced to the idea in a non-sexual context. the reason for this is simple: you don't want your SO making choices in the heat of the moment that they regret.

2. you might think it's interesting, but if your SO doesn't, it really doesn't matter a damn.

3. if you've considered it, that's great, but this is really 1, above, with a lot more insight on why this thread exists.

4. and this is the problem in the relationship. a loss of sexual interest can have many possible causes, but the symptom itself is indicative of something being wrong. is there new stress or any recent changes in your SO's life or in your relationship?

"sharing" your SO is probably not the way you want to describe this if you want to make it appealing: generally, people share food, not their SOs. it makes your SO's wants or needs entirely subservient to you and the other person. if we are friends and we share a pizza, the pizza isn't what matters: what matters is our friendship, sharing a meal. the pizza is incidental: it's a prop.

don't be surprised if your SO interprets this idea in exactly that way if you describe it as "sharing".

instead, describe it as offering your SO an idea you think sounds exciting and fun and as an activity you want to share with your SO.

see the difference?

ed

 

[roomfor1more]

given the foregoing: i wouldn't broach the subject, ever. adding a 3rd person in the bedroom is a stressor on a relationship, and it's clear the relationship isn't in the best health in the first place. instead, fixing what's wrong in the relationship first should be your priority. i would think that expanding the possible bedroom options should be a remote secondary priority in this context.

1. SOs who haven't ever considered the prospect need to be introduced to the idea in a non-sexual context. the reason for this is simple: you don't want your SO making choices in the heat of the moment that they regret.

2. you might think it's interesting, but if your SO doesn't, it really doesn't matter a damn.

3. if you've considered it, that's great, but this is really 1, above, with a lot more insight on why this thread exists.

4. and this is the problem in the relationship. a loss of sexual interest can have many possible causes, but the symptom itself is indicative of something being wrong. is there new stress or any recent changes in your SO's life or in your relationship?

"sharing" your SO is probably not the way you want to describe this if you want to make it appealing: generally, people share food, not their SOs. it makes your SO's wants or needs entirely subservient to you and the other person. if we are friends and we share a pizza, the pizza isn't what matters: what matters is our friendship, sharing a meal. the pizza is incidental: it's a prop.

don't be surprised if your SO interprets this idea in exactly that way if you describe it as "sharing".

instead, describe it as offering your SO an idea you think sounds exciting and fun and as an activity you want to share with your SO.

see the difference?

ed

I would, for the most part disagree with silverwisper. Granted there are many people who are not into sharing their partner and that is fine. In my situation, it has occurred without the negative consequences due in part of them being one off situations.

Reading your question, I do agree with silverwisper, that it would not be the best thing for you but I have a different perspective. When I read your question, it reads as though you are using sharing to fix the problem of intimacy, instead of talking about it, and if that is the case, then based on my experience, it is not going to fix it. My feeling if you use sharing as a way to fix an intimacy problem a possible risk will be that it divides your relationship even further. The approach I would advocate is to directly address the issue of intimacy first and then once that is solved, begin discussing the idea of sharing. It may be the idea is less appealing or it is something that may add a bit of enjoyment for the both of you. However, without addressing the issue of intimacy first the issue of sharing may create more problems than it solves.

 

[RomanSteel]

To be completely honest my issues are more that of the fact my partner has lost all libido and desire to be physically intimate in any way. I bring up the term of sharing not so much as a 3some type of ordeal but more of a supplement as our relationship is wonderful in every other way and I wish to be honest with my SO instead of perhaps having an affair and hurting the relationship in the future. I'd rather be honest than kill what we do have by not being so.

My partner has undetermined issues and I've sat and discussed with him that I still have needs whether he does or not. He understands this and says he'll try but things don't get better. If I had the same problem as him and loved him, I'd allow him to meet that need so long as he came back to me every night. I hope that he would do the same but the subject is just awkward.

In mentioning in tears one night that I was worried I would cheat, I told him that I may and asked if he could forgive me. He said it would be hard, but we'd work through it. So, Why cheat at all, why not make it known and just continue as we are? We're happy in all other aspects. He even seems fine that there's no intimacy, but that's the one place we differ.

Am I a terrible person for wishing him to make up his husbandly duties in letting me go just to fulfill my needs? I do love him, I love him to the ends of the earth.

 

[silverwhisper]

OK, what you wrote originally as misleading.

you don't want a threesome, you want someone to serve as a sexual surrogate for your partner. that's a totally different thing. when you said "sharing", that's how i understood it and in reading the other replies, i wasn't the only one.

so what you really want is a type of open relationship. if your partner is OK with it, i think that's perfectly reasonable. i think it's unrealistic as fuck to think that you should content yourself with masturbating or pining away hopelessly when you actually have a loving partner.

ed