How to: Stop being lead on

[Ravin the Poet]

**This can either go here or in the cafe. I post a lot in this form, and people wanted updates on what has been going on with me.


Ok, so as told in my last thread "How to: make a move", I was interested in this girl, and we were getting close. Well it turns out that's just a NORMAL thing she does, and likes to cuddle and all this shit. So whats again, I have been lead on and left liking someone alot with no answer. This seems to be a continious thing with me, as girls keep leading me, yet when I go to talk to them, and I am not a boyfriend in their eyes. It's getting very frustrating.

Here are my sides of my mental argument. On one side, I am very pissed off for this happening again to me, and wish to god it would stop, becasue I hate getting my hopes up. I am getting very frustrated with women in general, because I am tired of these fucking games I always have to play. I have been in a slump for 20 years. (My birthday is july 12th, and I have not yet had a date)

I don't get any of this really. Another side of me wants to just do what I want, but I am not sure if I want to start "playing" as I would say, going after anyone, one nighters, just any girls. I really do care about this girl, but it seems long lost hope. I don't know anymore. I am not depressed about it, just more pissed off.

So, is there anyway I can start seeing these "lead ons" and start actually focusing on girls who are interested?

Not much of a question, more of a small rant.

Ravin

 

[LeahLo519]

Immature girls don't know what they want so they'll test the waters with damn near anyone...it's a phase I think a lot of young women go through. Learn to recognize mature girls and you shouldn't have that problem anymore. But I'm sorry it went down like that...that sucks.

 

[Leeleigh]

**This can either go here or in the cafe. I post a lot in this form, and people wanted updates on what has been going on with me.


Ok, so as told in my last thread "How to: make a move", I was interested in this girl, and we were getting close. Well it turns out that's just a NORMAL thing she does, and likes to cuddle and all this shit. So whats again, I have been lead on and left liking someone alot with no answer. This seems to be a continious thing with me, as girls keep leading me, yet when I go to talk to them, and I am not a boyfriend in their eyes. It's getting very frustrating.

Here are my sides of my mental argument. On one side, I am very pissed off for this happening again to me, and wish to god it would stop, becasue I hate getting my hopes up. I am getting very frustrated with women in general, because I am tired of these fucking games I always have to play. I have been in a slump for 20 years. (My birthday is july 12th, and I have not yet had a date)

I don't get any of this really. Another side of me wants to just do what I want, but I am not sure if I want to start "playing" as I would say, going after anyone, one nighters, just any girls. I really do care about this girl, but it seems long lost hope. I don't know anymore. I am not depressed about it, just more pissed off.

So, is there anyway I can start seeing these "lead ons" and start actually focusing on girls who are interested?

Not much of a question, more of a small rant.

Ravin

Ravin my friend.. (((((Hugs))))) and 's honey.. you know where to find me if you need to talk

 

[fgarvb1]

If you want some advice from someone who was single off and on for half their life.

I am thirteen years into my fourth marriage.

Stop playing games. It takes two to play. Tell them straight up. There are millions of game players out in the world and if they want to play games hit the fucking road.


Don't get serious with them.

Tell them what you are looking for and what you want. What have you got to lose?

That has always worked well for me.

Don't be surprised if as time goes by you have several girlfriends that you date weekly.

 

[SweetErika]

Part of it may be immature girls, but I sometimes get the impression you tend to put the cart before the horse, Ravin. It seems like you want romance and experience, but you may not be willing to do it in a regular way, and you get pissed off and quit trying rather easily. I'd say some of those actions and characteristics may attract a certain type of girl. I don't know you, and I'm just hypothesizing, but ask yourself if you're really acting in a manner that the type of woman you want would be attracted to. Maybe make a few changes, just for yourself, and see what happens with the women?

The other answer is that you have to go through meeting and interacting with a lot of the wrong ones to find one or a few of the right ones. It's good that you're attracting women in general...be thankful for the practice and recognize it as something that's helping you find the right direction.

 

[EROTICFUN]

feeling led on

I read your post and I do not know the whole situation, but I suspect your making the same mistakes I did for a long time.

I rarely dated someone for more than a few times. They always saw me as a friend or they weren't interested.

I felt frustrated and angry and I realized my impatience and insecurity showed.

I also realized I was attracted to the wrong type of women who were looking for someone to use.

first I had to realize I was part of the problem and get smarter about who I was and what I wanted.

attracting and dating good and wonderful women is not hard, but it does take some work

 

[Munachi]

hm... I am a bit torn on that matter... On the one hand very sorry this happened to you, on the other hand wondering, if this girl (and other girls as you seem to imply this has happened before) really lead you on, or if you interprete things that way very easily.

I guess I have led on guys before, not on purpose, but yes, I have - sometimes because in a certain situation something seemed like the right thing to do but later on I realized it wasn't really what I wanted... Maybe that is immature but I guess it is also human in a way... But also there have been cases when I was sure I was behaving completely normal and someone else assumed I am interested. Not saying that was the case there, just a thought I had...

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I don't think cuddeling, the amount of time we were together, the teasing, play fighting and her own admitions to probably flirting as mis-communication. I would be the first to admit when I looked to much into this, but I don't.


I know I have a problem. I am very picky when it comes to women, and when I find one, I tend to focus a lot of her, and I care about her alot. So this is what happens when the downfall hits, because I was caught up, lead on to think it could go somewhere, and then shit all hits the roof.


Ravin

 

[SweetErika]

I don't think cuddeling, the amount of time we were together, the teasing, play fighting and her own admitions to probably flirting as mis-communication. I would be the first to admit when I looked to much into this, but I don't.


I know I have a problem. I am very picky when it comes to women, and when I find one, I tend to focus a lot of her, and I care about her alot. So this is what happens when the downfall hits, because I was caught up, lead on to think it could go somewhere, and then shit all hits the roof.


Ravin

But do you really think the women are leading you on purposely? Or is it more a matter of you getting caught up and leading yourself on; hoping that it'll turn into something more and caring too much? If it's by accident, then they're not leading you on at all.

I'm not suggesting you become a heartless bastard, but I think the last paragraph is a really great realization if you figure out the bold part. Maybe you just need to learn how to slow down a little and approach things more logically in the future before developing feelings.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

No offence, but I am tired of this women back up bullshit. I am not a fucking idiot. Since when do we not consider cuddeling, close contact, and ADMITION TO FLIRTING not a lead on. I admit I care a lot about the person, but I am not blind. Fact is, at one point I was like "well, maybe she just does that" because she stopped, but then she started again. She came after me, and she started everything. I did really nothing to make her do something, or get her close besides be there. I am not kidding my self, or making my self believe something is there unless I have a just reason. The flirting EVERYONE said she was doing with me, I noticed, and hence thought she liked me. I think anyone would think the same way.

I am sorry to be so blunt and nasty, but I have had it up to here with this situation, not just with her, but with women in general. Add onto the fact, I have caught her and my best friend lying to me about things I did, and the way things have been going, I don't know what to think anymore. I am not asking for a sympathy trip or anything, because I don't want it. Fact is, I am at a point where I am afraid to even like someone because I don't want to be lead on again.

Again, sorry if this comes nasty, I am just not in the best of moods.

Ravin

 

[Exciteher]

Ravin, I feel your pain, but since you say this keeps happening, do you see that it is not the women that are the the big factor here?

Look at your own musings:

.... I have been lead on and left liking someone alot with no answer.... yet when I go to talk to them, ... I am not a boyfriend in their eyes...

No answer? Are you sure about that? You go on the say that when you talk to them, they say you are not their boyfriend. That seems like a clear answer to me.

Here are my sides of my mental argument. ...On one side, ....I am getting very frustrated with women in general, because I am tired of these fucking games I always have to play. ...

.... Another side of me wants to just do what I want, but I am not sure if I want to start "playing" .....

OK, you admit , "On one side" to playing fucking games..and that you are tired of them.. fair enough. Why do you ALWAYS have to play? What stops you from just walking away?

AND you admit "Another side of me" wants to just do what you want.

This pretty much makes clear you are not doing what you want...if what you want to do is not "playing" just what is it then, and what stops you from doing WHAT YOU WANT...WHATEVER THAT IS? (You never reallly tell us!)

See? You are saying here that you are not doing what you want. Which means you are being inauthentic....women will pick up on that in a heart beat. Not only are you not owning your own wants, but it seems you approach realtionships with a hidden agenda.

AND.. you go on to hint at what it is you REALLY want when you say "but I am not sure if I want to start "playing"...

SweetErica is right, you need to relax... maybe more "play" is just what you need. You do realize a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step? (or night..te he?)

Ravin, do you see the pattern here? I know this may be hard for you to hear, but just who is it that is playing the games here? Who is really doing the leading on?

It is clear that you know you are not getting what you want, are you aware that if you keep doing the same old things over and over..the results will be the same?

I think if you can get real with yourself, the women will be far more attracted to you. What you are doing comes across to me as needy, inconfident and inauthentic. And get past that picky crap... get open, your list is an illusion, there is no way for your "list of attributes" to ever be able to anticipate that special one that will rock your world, it will screen them out!

 

[Ravin the Poet]

If you read it as I did, I was lead on, THEN I talked to them. After I get my answer, well I got my answer. I am just not liking the, up until the point I ask, I am fine, but no sorry, your not it bullshit I keep getting.

Here is what I meant by me "playing".

I am SICK of people PLAYING ME! It happens every time and I am sick of it. So why can't I PLAY THEM. Not once did I say I was sick of this, because it doesn't happen. I am the nice guy all the time, and people don't see me running around, playing up women. Now if I started to do this, I know people would see me as a bad person, because I am leading on women. SO it's alright for them to do it to me, but if I do it to them, I come off bad?

I have taken steps. Last May I was played very badly, and I said enough is enough. I spent the next year getting myself together, away from depression, and back to a clear state of mind. During that time, there was another girl, nothing happened, but meh. But then the new girl comes, and I am more happier as a person then I have ever been. Just finished school, graduated, and looking forward to some well need time off. I finally had a clear mind, and even then, I got played over.

You want my agenda for relationships? Fact is, I don't even have one. Well, unless you count, "I want to be in one/I want a date" type thing. There is nothing hidden. I like this girl a lot, so after getting close and her flirting, she says she didn't want to lead me on, but did. How could I have a hidden agenda, when things in my eyes, looked like they were going the way I hoped. I was like "hey, someone is showing interest in me, and I am doing nothing to call it on. This seems like a good sign", which as I stated, seems to me like something everyone would do. My agenda's right now are small and simple. I want to be with someone. Yes may seem dramatic or very strong, but it's a direct statement. I am not in the mood to give a long speal.

Fact is, I don't know what I am suppose to do anymore. People tell me to be true to myself and others, and I am, being called the most honest man anyone knows. People tell me to play it cool, which I do. In the last 10minutes since I have written this, I really have started to think and become more worried about my life. My question is not about my motives or my way of going about things, because peoples ways change, and motives change.

You want the honest truth of what is in my head. I am tired. Emotionally, mentally, physically tired of the way my love life goes. I am ready to take another year off, and just get better. About going out and "playing" for a night, I take that as, you know flings. I don't know, I guess I just don't see myself doing that. Others say the same. I don't know what I see anymore really. The things I want? I want to care about someone in a romantic way, as more then a friend. So yes, I want a girlfriend. But at what cost to myself is that worth it?

I guess it's another year off to find myself. And maybe then, the game will be different.

Ravin

 

[Exciteher]

Ravin, like I said, I feel your pain, and I think everyone that has posted to this thread has been sincere it their desire to offer you some tips and support. It is obvious you are intellgent, no one has said you are not.

Hummm... is apprears you really do not now the differences between flirting, being "played" as you put it, and when a woman is romantically and sexually interested in you, which is understandable, you are young. There is much to comment on in what you said, but I am wondering:

If you think a woman is interested in you, maybe when you notice that she is "flirting" a lot with you, ... what stops you from clarifing things, saying something like "Gee honey, I really like you, I think we should become an item."... to get things in the open before things go too far?

When you do first feel you are being "played"... what stops you from walking away right then and there? Why do you allow yourself to be played, and lead on?

Do you realize that it is impossable to be lead on without your consent?

I find it highly illogical and improbable that EVERY woman would prey on you and lead you on. Could happen a occasionally... but not everytime. But who knows, exactly how many times has this being "played" happened to you (give a number here please!) ?

I invite you to consder if it could be you do not realize you are being "played" as you put it, until things have gone too far, and finally you disclose your agenda...you want her as your girlfriend. She says no. What up to then you took as a romantic interaction you suddenly reinterpert as being "played" when she says,"Sorry, you are not the one."

I have no real knowledge of this girl you refer to, but it is my guess you have known her a long time... since childhood perhaps, because she will cuddle, make contact etc, be intimate, etc... and yet not want to be your girlfriend. She comes..then she goes. She is treating you like a brother... and she may really like you. You seem to imply that since she does not want to be your girlfriend, she does not like you. There is in reality no zero sum connection between these two things. But she does not look at you romantically, in her eyes, you are more like a brother than a boyfriend. If you are really passive and too sweet, she may look at you like her girlfriend. Her closeness you interpert as being played. This may be a pattern for you with other women, I do not know. This is just a guess on my part though.

I have a question, What do you want from a relationship... emotionally, romantically, and sexually?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Number of people being played. In the last two years, the last 3 girls I have been after, all three played me.


My Definition of played: It does not come till the end. Where a girl acts attracted to you, and then when you think she is interested, and ask her out, she pulls the rug out.

There is no way to pull out and know you are being played in this situation because to you, it's like your getting attention and she is attracted to you.


The girl: Haven't known her all my life, in fact I have known her two months. And the major cuddeling took place after about 2-3 weeks of being around each other. Am I wrong to think this can EASILY be seen as flirting?

What I want from a relationship? Many things...emotionally I want to care for someone, more then a friend. To have romantic thoughts and we able to act on them. To be able to please someone and make them happy. Romantically I want to show how special she is to me..I am the hopeless romantic...Sexually I've gone 19 years without sex or kissing, and I don't just look for it. But I do look for the right person. I WANT my first kiss to mean something...my first time to be with someone I care for.

Hope that answers alot.


Ravin
-I do understand people are giving good advice. I just ask you bare with me, because right now, my emotions are going crazy

 

[Exciteher]

Ravin,

Thank you for your answers, you organized them very well, and thank you for that also. I have many more questions, but I know how it feels to be emotionally, mentally, physically tired so for now I will ask only a couple more, and I am wondering what others are thinking here also.

In the time your were cuddling with this girl, did you ever make a move on her,did you slip your hand up her thigh, or run her hand up to her breast.. something like that, something clearly sexually suggestive or arousing? If so, what happened? If not, why not?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Ravin,

Thank you for your answers, you organized them very well, and thank you for that also. I have many more questions, but I know how it feels to be emotionally, mentally, physically tired so for now I will ask only a couple more, and I am wondering what others are thinking here also.

In the time your were cuddling with this girl, did you ever make a move on her,did you slip your hand up her thigh, or run her hand up to her breast.. something like that, something clearly sexually suggestive or arousing? If so, what happened? If not, why not?

You can ask anything you want, I really don't mind.

When we were sitting together, I would run my hand through her hair, acorss her side, down her arms. Just soft gentle touching. We cuddled for about 10hours. I stayed there all night, and we sat together the whole time.

Ravin

 

[Exciteher]

You can ask anything you want, I really don't mind.

When we were sitting together, I would run my hand through her hair, acorss her side, down her arms. Just soft gentle touching. We cuddled for about 10hours. I stayed there all night, and we sat together the whole time.

Ravin

Ravin,

How did your running your hand through her hair, across her side, down her arms make her feel? Did she say anything, did she move closer to you , or away from you?
What cues were you getting from her?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

She would move closer, and get more comfortable. If I stopped, she would poke me till I continued. I know she was liking it, because I could see her eyes, and they kept closing when I touched certain areas just above her eyes. If she left to go to the washroom, or I did, she would come right back and curl up with me.

Ravin

 

[Exciteher]

She would move closer, and get more comfortable. If I stopped, she would poke me till I continued. I know she was liking it, because I could see her eyes, and they kept closing when I touched certain areas just above her eyes. If she left to go to the washroom, or I did, she would come right back and curl up with me.

Ravin

Ravin, I repeat. Did you kiss her? Or move your hand up her thigh, move to caress her breasts? I am thinking you did not, and am wondering what stopped you. Your comment about her poking you to continue is blowing my mind, what stopped you from taking her where she surely wanted to go?

Can you see how it is the case that if you did not give her she was clearly and pohysically asking of you, she could accuse YOU of leading her on??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about this next question carefully and honestly.
What stopped you????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Ravin, I repeat. Did you kiss her? Or move your hand up her thigh, move to caress her breasts? I am thinking you did not, and am wondering what stopped you. Your comment about her poking you to continue is blowing my mind, what stopped you from taking her where she surely wanted to go?

Can you see how it is the case that if you did not give her she was clearly and pohysically asking of you, she could accuse YOU of leading her on??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Think about this next question carefully and honestly.
What stopped you????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I am inexperienced (I don't ever...and this time do mean EVER have girls hitting on me) and had no idea what to do. I didn't want to be disrespectful, and well, thinking now I wish I did something like kiss her or make a bigger move then I did. I see it as a lost chance which I am regretting.

Ravin

 

[Exciteher]

I am inexperienced (I don't ever...and this time do mean EVER have girls hitting on me) and had no idea what to do. I didn't want to be disrespectful, and well, thinking now I wish I did something like kiss her or make a bigger move then I did. I see it as a lost chance which I am regretting.

Ravin

Ravin,
It is no sin to be inexperienced. If fact, treasure these days as you learn life's secrets. I smiles when you said "I see it as a lost chance which I am regretting", how many times I have said that myself! lol!

Now, who told you it would be disrespectful to give her the pleasure she was obviously longing to get from you? Where did the idea, that honestly expressing yourself sexually and was disrespectful, come from?

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Ravin,
It is no sin to be inexperienced. If fact, treasure these days as you learn life's secrets. I smiles when you said "I see it as a lost chance which I am regretting", how many times I have said that myself! lol!

Now, who told you it would be disrespectful to give her the pleasure she was obviously longing to get from you? Where did the idea, that honestly expressing yourself sexually and was disrespectful, come from?

I think it comes from me. It's mostly just all adds up to me being very shy and not wanting to make a move. As a friend I don't want to cross anything that may make her mad, so with that running through my head, yeah. Also, I think because I don't get any physical attention, that when I do, I keep what I can get. I didn't want to make a move, her get uncomfortable and then move away.

Ravin

 

[Munachi]

Just a few, unordered thoughts...

If I was cuddling with a guy ten hours without anything happening, well I would assume he saw me as a friend...

Most guys I have been involved with I didn't know for very long before htat. Now, I know that is different for different people, but for me, if I know someone for a while and nothing happens (especially if there was cuddling that didn't lead to more) in most cases I lose interest and start feeling to them more like a friend. Or I get completely obsessed with them and am to shy to make a move, either. One of the two, not sure by what pattern I decide which of the two will happen.

Since you are 19 I suppose we are speaking of girls between... maybe 18 and 20 here? Girls that age just are somewhat immature in most cases I suppose. I was anyway. In fact with 25 now I think I still am in a lot of things... And from what I know, the younger a girl, the more she likes a "tough and confident" seeming guy. Only with the years most girls learn that the nice and shy ones might be the better ones. Again, I know there are exceptions... Now this probably doesn't help you a lot, when one is shy, one is shy... (I am quite shy myself so I know how hard it is to get over this) - but this is one thing that might get easier with the years...

 

[Ravin the Poet]

And this is why I regret and wish I did more. My birthday is coming up, and that night we cuddled was on her birthday. I have asked her to spend the day/night with me again. I plan on making some kind of move that weekend. Even if it's not welcome, atleast I know I did something.


Ravin

 

[Ravin the Poet]

I guess this brings up my next question.


She said she wanted to be friends and wasn't looking for a relationship. My birthday is July 12 a tesuday, so we are going out on the 9th which is a Saturday. I know I am going to be drunk, and can see me hitting on her all night. My birthday tuesday, I want to see if she will spend the night like we did before. If that happens, I would like to make a clear move. Even though she has said, she wanted to be friends, there is other things going on I just don't understand yet.

Finally, a week after that, we are going camping, and I have asked her to come along. If she does, well I think me and her share a tent.

Again, this is ALOT of MAYBES, since we really haven't been talking to much, with both us being busy.

Ravin