How to stop being a prude

[NowAndAgain]

Hi all,

I've read a bunch of threads over the last year or so, but this is my first time posting. I can't really talk about my situation in my real life, so I figured why not seek some anonymous advice

Out with it, I suppose. I'm 23, male, recently moved to Manhattan with a fantastic job...and I'm a complete prude.

A little history - I was very much the nerdy brainiac in high school. Went off to college to pursue music, and then eventually got into software. I didn't go on a date until college, and even then, I've only dated a few people. I think my longest relationship lasted two months, and to be entirely candid, it's been almost a year and a half since my last one.

I guess this is a weird problem for a guy, but...I want to be the guy who has a healthy sex life. I want to be able to have a one-night stand and not feel wracked with guilt for weeks. But that's just never been me - I over-think things and can't seem to take sex as casually as most people.

To be completely honest, I'm terrified that by the time my brain finally gets out of the way of my libido, I'll be way past my prime.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Any tips for cutting lose?

 

[Loverskitten]

Cocktails! Hehehe
Seriously though,
"I guess this is a weird problem for a guy, but...I want to be the guy who has a healthy sex life. I want to be able to have a one-night stand and not feel wracked with guilt for weeks. But that's just never been me - I over-think things and can't seem to take sex as casually as most people."

This sounds so refreshing! Don't change.
Maybe you just haven't found a woman you feel comfortable with. You will

 

[Boundlife]

Over thinking is bad... thinking one night stands aren't for you...I don't see a problem with that.
There is no magic trick, sorry.
Post, express your feelings here where it is safe... meet people in RL...relax...breathe(always a good idea)

 

[LaChica]

If change is not comfortable, I dont suggest change.
But if some change is necessary, take the steps in the right direction.

 

[NowAndAgain]

If change is not comfortable, I dont suggest change.
But if some change is necessary, take the steps in the right direction.

This is definitely part of it - change is definitely necessary. I'm just not sure how you get started?

Not to keep emasculating myself, but I've never been comfortable dancing, or going to bars, or flirting. I've had sex, but - come to think of it - I don't think I've ever initiated.

Part of it is logistical blocks - I don't know anyone in the city, I need to work on that. But a lot of it is a mental block. And I don't have the foggiest clue how to get started on that.

*grumble* damn conservative childhood...

 

[amofiga]

A good and healthy sex life is not about one night stands. I feel that I've had a good and healthy sex life. I've had a fair number of sex partners and have done just about all there is to do, but frankly, I've never had a one night stand. I never wanted them. I always felt that I wanted to have at least a good friendly relationship with whomever I was having sex with and a drunken one night roll that I didn't remember in the morning wasn't it for me.

Hang in there and just find the right girls and don't think you have to have meaningless one night sex to have a good sex life.

 

[LaChica]

Be proud of your conservative childhoods. Its a gift to be able to logically reject thoughts like that. But anyway, maybe casual pick ups that don't result in one night stands at bars can actually be a start for you

 

[Classica]

You're obviously on this forum, so you may not be as much of a prude as you think.

I am unsure if you are meeting women and making any headway, but just in case, this thread may help...
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=788655

If you're not meeting any women, you may need to put yourself out there some more. Instead of spending that next night alone, try a search on Yelp or TimeOut New York to find a lounge/bar that fits your taste, or even a museum or art gallery that has evening events you can attend.

You don't have to dance (or have a one-night stand) to find a healthy sex life, but I will say that I personally find dancing incredibly sexy; I like to figure out if someone else has the rhythm as I do. Club dancing is pretty easy too.

 

[LaChica]

You're obviously on this forum, so you may not be as much of a prude as you think.

I am unsure if you are meeting women and making any headway, but just in case, this thread may help...
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=788655

If you're not meeting any women, you may need to put yourself out there some more. Instead of spending that next night alone, try a search on Yelp or TimeOut New York to find a lounge/bar that fits your taste, or even a museum or art gallery that has evening events you can attend.

You don't have to dance (or have a one-night stand) to find a healthy sex life, but I will say that I personally find dancing incredibly sexy; I like to figure out if someone else has the rhythm as I do. Club dancing is pretty easy too.

So I am not the only one

 

[SweetErika]

Don't try to change, try to improve upon who you already are. For instance, if one-nighters aren't your deal, work on being sexually open within the context of a relationship. If you don't like pick-up bars or dancing, that's fine; I bet you like other things or could find different ways to meet people that are more interesting and comfortable to you. How about taking classes on things that interest you? Or volunteering for a cause or two you're really passionate about? Are you interested in sports or anything that involves physical activity? If so, how about joining a gym, sports league, taking classes, etc.? Are there any professional or networking organizations, or interest groups you might want to join?

Even if you don't meet people you're sexually attracted to at these new activities, you'll likely make friends if you're open to doing so, and maybe those friends have friends who would be good matches for you.

On the sexual openness front, being here will certainly help, and I'd suggest jumping into more conversations so you get more used to sharing your thoughts and interests. Then take that to real life; there is certainly such a thing as TMI, but work on sharing when it's appropriate and chiming in when you'd usually keep quiet. And definitely share with partners and start initiating sex when you're really attracted to someone!

 

[LaChica]

Don't try to change, try to improve upon who you already are. For instance, if one-nighters aren't your deal, work on being sexually open within the context of a relationship. If you don't like pick-up bars or dancing, that's fine; I bet you like other things or could find different ways to meet people that are more interesting and comfortable to you. How about taking classes on things that interest you? Or volunteering for a cause or two you're really passionate about? Are you interested in sports or anything that involves physical activity? If so, how about joining a gym, sports league, taking classes, etc.? Are there any professional or networking organizations, or interest groups you might want to join?

Even if you don't meet people you're sexually attracted to at these new activities, you'll likely make friends if you're open to doing so, and maybe those friends have friends who would be good matches for you.

On the sexual openness front, being here will certainly help, and I'd suggest jumping into more conversations so you get more used to sharing your thoughts and interests. Then take that to real life; there is certainly such a thing as TMI, but work on sharing when it's appropriate and chiming in when you'd usually keep quiet. And definitely share with partners and start initiating sex when you're really attracted to someone!

Why do you always give such good advice!

 

[fire_breeze]

Hi all,

I've read a bunch of threads over the last year or so, but this is my first time posting. I can't really talk about my situation in my real life, so I figured why not seek some anonymous advice

Out with it, I suppose. I'm 23, male, recently moved to Manhattan with a fantastic job...and I'm a complete prude.

A little history - I was very much the nerdy brainiac in high school. Went off to college to pursue music, and then eventually got into software. I didn't go on a date until college, and even then, I've only dated a few people. I think my longest relationship lasted two months, and to be entirely candid, it's been almost a year and a half since my last one.

I guess this is a weird problem for a guy, but...I want to be the guy who has a healthy sex life. I want to be able to have a one-night stand and not feel wracked with guilt for weeks. But that's just never been me - I over-think things and can't seem to take sex as casually as most people.

To be completely honest, I'm terrified that by the time my brain finally gets out of the way of my libido, I'll be way past my prime.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Any tips for cutting lose?

This is definitely part of it - change is definitely necessary. I'm just not sure how you get started?

Not to keep emasculating myself, but I've never been comfortable dancing, or going to bars, or flirting. I've had sex, but - come to think of it - I don't think I've ever initiated.

Part of it is logistical blocks - I don't know anyone in the city, I need to work on that. But a lot of it is a mental block. And I don't have the foggiest clue how to get started on that.

*grumble* damn conservative childhood...

I hate to tell you, but 23 is still pretty young. You have all the time in the world, so there should be no pressure unless you allow it.

Maybe you're not the type of guy who does one-night stands. I know several of them, and two of them are your stereotypical-hotness-jocks-captain-of-the-pigskin teams guys. The other one is a rocker dude with a hog and leather jackets. And the guys I'm thinking of didn't have a conservative childhood, either. They are just not into one night stands, or sowing their wild oats, or having meaningless sex. You may very well be that type of person, someone who cannot have meaningless sex. Hey, I can't sleep with anyone I don't respect and can't have a meaningful, intellectually challenging conversation with. I just go cold.

Some women will like the fact that a) you're not a cad and b) you're a 'nerd'. These are very attractive attributes. Use it. Talk to women and get to know them. You've had a relationship, so you know how to get into them.

As for being a prude, the best way you can 'get over it' is by keeping an open mind. If you do want to experiment, do so in a caring, trusting relationship. And get the idea that healthy sex life=one night stand. A healthy sex life is one that is open, non-judgemental, communicative and that YOU feel comfortable with. And if you feel comfortable with simple, very vanilla sex once a month, with an understanding, communicative partner, and being unashamed with who you are as a sexual being, then THAT'S healthy, not what some pre-conceived notion of how many times, in what position, with how many partners someone may have or write about in FHM or Maxim.

 

[NowAndAgain]

Thanks!

Thanks all for the advice - it's cathartic to be able to fess up about my inexperience, but even better to feel some actual support.

I guess you guys helped me realize it's really not about sex and confidence - that's just an aspect of a more systemic problem. I've got to learn to start meeting people, stop spending my days, meals, weekends alone.

Hopefully I can try to be a bit more social here, and that'll bleed through to the rest of it

 

[Boobies84]

And seeing as you're a "nerd" and in Manhattan, I reccommend joining nerdnyc. (www.nerdnyc.com) They're a pretty great group of folks who are both nerds, and socially active. They do nerdy things, and get drinks afterwards! Brilliant! Sounds like you might fit in well there, make new friends, get a bit more comfortable in your skin, and maybe even meet a nerdy girl or two.

I'd say for you to tell them I sent you, but um...the you'd have to tell them where you know me from. So just say "a friend", ok?

 

[RAddams]

I agree with Erika that you don't need change. You just need to figure out what you like. Don't force yourself to try things you don't want to try. If you are not sure what you like, maybe start watching different kinds of porn for some ideas. You also don't need to have one night stands if that doesn't make you comfortable. After you decide what you are into, try to find one special person with similar tastes. Being conservative also has nothing to do with it. You can be a mega fuck machine and still live a conservative life style. Some University even did a study once that claimed conservative Republican women have better sex lives than liberal Democratic women.

For the most part I think you just need to grow some balls and go for it.

 

[Etaski]

Just another idea for socializing a bit more, just a step in the desired direction:

Try a few conventions centered on things that interest you, and New York's got to have a couple of really good ones.

Geeks and nerds abound at any sci-fi/fantasy/comic/RPG/LARPing/etc convention. You can often sign up ahead of time for events and play games, meet creators and writers and see some wonderful things.

Granted, this costs a bit of money and you're usually teaming up with out-of-towners, so it's a short-term thing most of the time ("Hi! Great to meet you! Let's play!...whoo, yeah, okay, here's my website, see you next year!"), but it is just plain fun and it helps just being able to socialize with those who embrace their fellows and their nerdiness to the Nth degree. Totally worth it instead of spending the same money going to a club to sit and feel out of place (been there).

 

[NowAndAgain]

Thanks - I've been looking at some different New York interest groups.

I'm a little nervous about attending something like that though, because while I am still an intellectual, I've kinda let the obsessively-nerdy side of me dwindle away. I mean, I've dabbled in different nerdy hobbies through high school and some college, but I actually spend a lot of my time watching TED talks, or reading Shakespeare, or...well, perusing the fine literature of this very site!

In my experience though, the absolute worst thing is to be in a group of nerds, and to be the one guy who doesn't take the subject (be it D&D, WoW, comic books) quite as seriously as the rest...

Crap. Now I sound like an elitist prick AND a prude!

 

[fire_breeze]

<snip>
You can be a mega fuck machine and still live a conservative life style. Some University even did a study once that claimed conservative Republican women have better sex lives than liberal Democratic women.

Just because one lives what may be viewed as a socially conservative lifestyle does NOT make them Republican/Conservatives. Social life is not the equivalent of political affiliation.

Just sayin'.

Thanks - I've been looking at some different New York interest groups.

I'm a little nervous about attending something like that though, because while I am still an intellectual, I've kinda let the obsessively-nerdy side of me dwindle away. I mean, I've dabbled in different nerdy hobbies through high school and some college, but I actually spend a lot of my time watching TED talks, or reading Shakespeare, or...well, perusing the fine literature of this very site!

In my experience though, the absolute worst thing is to be in a group of nerds, and to be the one guy who doesn't take the subject (be it D&D, WoW, comic books) quite as seriously as the rest...

Crap. Now I sound like an elitist prick AND a prude!

Might I suggest something?

Completely forget what you assume to be good enough or not in various categories. The categories - any categories, for that matter - are not static and are in fact, fluid. Categories nowadays are meant to be bent, if not outright broken and are constantly redefined. So what if you're a nerd, indulging in something you enjoy? And so what if you haven't touched a violin or WoW in years? The world isn't separated into nerd/others, experts/everyone else. Find people you enjoy, and the rest will follow. From reading between the lines, and granted, I do not know you, this is causing more stress than it should.

Do you enjoy your hobbies? If yes, then forget what the bloody hells people think and deem as nerdish. You're making apologies for it... I believe I can safely speak for many others who would say "Bring it on." You're obsessing that you're either too much or not enough of a nerd. It's been years since I last played D&D. I got together with a few hardcore players a while back, and we all had a blast. The basketball group that I also play with just had a new addition, and we had fun reminding him of the rules. The point is to have fun. So you're a little rusty - big deal. You'll learn, and most people are eager to help and show off what they know, passing some knowledge around.

It's time that you reclaim the label 'nerd' and if you must label yourself, label with pride. Do not be embarrassed about it and definitely do not get caught up with the fact that you are, or not 'enough of a nerd'. You do not have to explain anything to anyone nor do you have to be apologetic about it.

And as a true 1st gen Canuck, I'm terribly sorry if this post has offended.

 

[VanillaDreams]

I'm just curious - what is it you really want to change? You say you want a healthy sex life but for many people sex outside a relationship is generally not considered healthy. Do you just want to start having random sex with strangers (I'm not joking, it's a real question.) Or is it that you wish you could/would meet more women? Engage women in conversation or ask them out. What I infer is that you feel like an outsider at someone else's party. But that might have more to do with me than you. Perhaps I'm reading into it. But I'll throw my hat in the ring.

I think there are serious legitimate social skills that don't come naturally to a lot of people. Things like "how to talk to complete strangers" or "how to break the ice." These are things that are learned, skills that some people have to work very hard to cultivate. I didn't know that until I for a long time. One night I went out with a crowd of salesmen (the hard-core stereotypical sales guys.) I couldn't believe what the stuff they did for fun at bars like betting how long they could entertain a table of women before any one of the ladies left the table. But then I realized, I could not have done that. Furthermore, I wished I could. Not because I wanted to win the bar bet or bed a table of women. I suddenly realized I'd never really learned how to engage strangers in conversation. They were damn good at it - but it didn't come naturally (I know because I know one of the guys in that group from a long time ago.)

What's my point? Oh, I know. It is entirely possible you do need to make changes and you may need outside help. There are books, classes, online videos, all sorts of stuff to help people learn how to be more social. But you have to understand it's going to suck at first and if you really want to change, you are going to have to bite the bullet and learn (which generally means failing at first.)

And that's all the advice I can stomach hearing from myself. Good luck!

VD

PS. There used to be a thing around my city called "FunEd" which generally had silly little classes on all sorts of things. But one of them was about social skills at parties or in public. (It's been 15 years, I forgot the name.) I still wish I'd taken that class. It's possible a community college has some silly class like that in your area. (Or hell, bite the bullet and hire a dating couch. Someone who will walk the walk with you and help you.)

Crap, I said I was shutting up.

 

[Etaski]

Thanks - I've been looking at some different New York interest groups.

I'm a little nervous about attending something like that though, because while I am still an intellectual, I've kinda let the obsessively-nerdy side of me dwindle away. I mean, I've dabbled in different nerdy hobbies through high school and some college, but I actually spend a lot of my time watching TED talks, or reading Shakespeare, or...well, perusing the fine literature of this very site!

In my experience though, the absolute worst thing is to be in a group of nerds, and to be the one guy who doesn't take the subject (be it D&D, WoW, comic books) quite as seriously as the rest...

Crap. Now I sound like an elitist prick AND a prude!

*quirks eyebrow*

Well, the Canuck's response on that is one I like well enough to let her words stand on their own.

I also said "hobbies that interest you." Doesn't have to be D&D, nor that you have to take anything "as seriously" as some nerds.

But ya know....that can also be called "passion" in other circles. Some people just love to debate, and debate best on the topics they know inside and out. Doesn't matter which one it is.

Example: TED talks? Well, there you go, then. They have an annual conference, and they're all about innovation and spreading ideas. Lots of talking and "geeking out," there, just for business and technological advancement more than pure social entertainment.

Sounds like another side of the same basic coin.

 

[amofiga]

<<<< Completely forget what you assume to be good enough or not in various categories. The categories - any categories, for that matter - are not static and are in fact, fluid. Categories nowadays are meant to be bent, if not outright broken and are constantly redefined. So what if you're a nerd, indulging in something you enjoy? And so what if you haven't touched a violin or WoW in years? The world isn't separated into nerd/others, experts/everyone else. Find people you enjoy, and the rest will follow. From reading between the lines, and granted, I do not know you, this is causing more stress than it should. >>>

It's important to remember that a nerd is not necessarily a 100% nerd. As a lifetime engineer by training and vocation, many people who don't know the other sides of me would possibly be shocked to learn what I'm like behind the scenes. Some of my co-workers and family never knew I was a Harley rider and sometimes spent my weekends in leathers at bike rallies. Other's would be shocked to know of some aspects of my private "off hours" life. I chuckled as my one cousins told my wife how "shy and quiet" I was when I used to hang out with him as a kid. We all have different aspects and facets to our personalities. Just because you have a nerd job or enjoy "sci fi" or classical music doesn't mean you can't also enjoy a country music concert, or feel the rush of a group ride with 50 others on motorcycles, or have an evening of totally filthy sex with the right person(s). We are all different people at different times and in different places. It's like those wonderful conservative women (Republicans or otherwise) who are total sluts in private. Fortunate are the guys (or gals) who get to know that part of them. The important thing is to always be yourself and true to who you are in your own mind and body.

 

[NowAndAgain]

You guys are awesome, for the record.