How to start over? kinda

[Hopeful]

Please excuse me here because I really need to vent. If I do this with people I know I know how it looks and sounds because I've had friends and co-works go on spiels and at times I have really been tempted to tank the wheel of the car into oncoming traffic or into anything else that will end it because I don't want to be reminded of what a total mess my own life is in.

I met this girl a few years ago. In fact she was the first girl I ever had sex with. It was great, we dated for a few months then went for it. I fell in love...

Later on I guess you can say it was one of those deals were you break up allot over an extended period (years) because you find out the other person is cheating on you while your at work. Then you make up...then break up again because she's going back and forth between her two boyfriends.

In the end we had a child together and going out and partying and fucking her other guy was still more important then being a mother or spouse or getting a job. Since then we haven't really been together.
I'm reminded of a drunk who swears they'll never drink again... Well, she got pregnant... And I always wanted to be a father and she swore she'd be better. Needless to say that didn't last long. I'd come home from work and either her mother r mine would have to baby because she was "running errands." Finally when she left one afternoon and didn't come back home until 3:00 AM reeking of beer I threw her out and went to family court for custody.
My ex and her mother ran me through the ringer. Saying I was a drug addict and was mentally unsound... Reporting me to DSS (Department of Social Services/Child Welfare), when the social workers came I told them to bring it on. I voluntarily took drug test the next day to prove I wasn't using anything. I had to pay out of pocket to be "evaluated" to make sure I was sound to be near my son. In the end my EX refused to take any type of test. I never imagined I would have DSS siding with me at with family court.
At two months old I had sol custody of our son.

about eight months later I met this girl. She was amazing in every way I could imagine. She was great with the baby. She helped turn my bachelor pad into a home instead of trashing it. She really made me feel special. I could trust her and that alone lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

It didn't last though. About a month into the relationship my ex found out I was seeing another woman.
She would call constantly and hang up while I was at work or home. Stalk us when we went to the store. It seemed like every time I'd leave the baby with my ex for visitation and then make plans to go out she'd call with one excuse or another so I'd have to pick him up. At times threatening to hurt the baby.

About four months into it we were going to the store for groceries. We just got back into my car with the baby and were leaving and my ex rammed my car with hers (her sisters car) when we got out she ran over/hit us both and took off. That was the end of that girlfriend.... And I can understand to say the least why she left me. If I could I'd leave me....

It'll be two years soon since then and I haven't been with anyone else and I'm going crazy. I've thought of looking again and my sisters have offered to set me up but god I don't know where to start or if I should even bother.
I just lost my job so now I'm an unemployed single father and now I wish I had those fun drugs....

Aside from work and the baby there hasn't been much in my life and at times I wonder if he really is my son and it's hard to ask a woman to help raise a child that isn't hers. It's sometimes hard for me to sometimes and I hope he's mine.

My real fear is that if I do start seeing another woman that the stalking and phone calls will start all over again. I'm almost 30 now and depression is sinking in. I don't know what else to say.

If you read all of the congrats. I tend to ramble I'm sorry but it all come flooding back and I try to abridge it to make it palatable. There is so much history it makes me sick that I let it get so far. In the end I loved her and wanted to believe whatever then later after the baby and nothing changed I hated her. Maybe I was afraid of being alone, and I do miss holding someone at night and talking.
It feels like my life is over. Not because I lost my sons mother...that was a good thing. I'm just not sure where my life is going.

So. How do you start over again? My restraining order is good for another year by the way.

 

[coastal-boy]

move. she doesnt need to know where. change your phone number. You are on a pity-pot and you need to take control. Step 1) get a job. Step 2) ask someone out.

I dont know what to take from this statement: "I'm an unemployed single father and now I wish I had those fun drugs...."

 

[SweetErika]

Consider this: Most single mothers with crazy, messed up, abusive, jealous exes are able to start over, get different jobs, move themselves and their kids and have successful relationships (provided they understand their patterns and don't slip back into them). If they can do it, so can you.

Sure, they're not ideal circumstances, but you can certainly choose to make finding a new job a.s.a.p. your current job, take the opportunity to move if you can't find work in your area (unless the court has ordered you to stay in a certain area, of course), be the best parent you can be, get support from others and date when you meet compatible ladies. As hard as it can be at times, you can choose to look at this as a terrible set of circumstances and depressing, or you can see it as an opportunity to do some really great things for yourself and a child.

If paternity is in question and important (e.g. would you give the kid to someone else if they weren't yours biologically?), you need to find that out now.

It's cliche, but just take it one day/step at a time. You sound really overwhelmed, so maybe you can figure out ways to cut down on that by talking to people, making lists and breaking big tasks into more manageable bites. If substance abuse is a potential issue, I'd encourage you to get help/support for it now, before it becomes a problem for you and your kid. Perhaps talking about your situation and hearing about how others have made it through overwhelming times in an extremely supportive environment could really help, anyway.

And you may not have women banging down your door, but if you get yourself to a good place, you'll likely attract the right type of women and find someone who will stick with you through most things. It sounds like you need to work on getting a job and such first, before you bring someone else into the picture though.

Good luck!

 

[w232]

move. she doesnt need to know where. change your phone number. You are on a pity-pot and you need to take control. Step 1) get a job. Step 2) ask someone out.

Totally. An absolutely clean fresh start is the best in this situation.

I dont know what to take from this statement: "I'm an unemployed single father and now I wish I had those fun drugs...."

I know this sounds kinda obvious but that would probably be a really bad thing.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Hopeful, I'm sorry to read about all you've been through.

Firstly, kudos to you for stepping up to the plate and fighting to ensure your son has safety and stability. So many dads back down when the shit and slander starts flying. Although being a single dad isn't what you planned for yourself, it's a valid and noble role. Don't let people put you down because you don't have some high flying job. Being on welfare is no fun but it won't be forever and you sound like you'll be more than young enough to get back into the game at a later stage if you want to. Your life is not over, it's just not your priority right now, your son is and I admire you for that. Are there any courses you could be doing to keep your brain in gear and add to your resume?

Given what you've said about your ex, I can understand your doubts about paternity. The important question though, is this; if you discovered your son wasn't your biological child, would it make any difference at this stage? Could you really leave him at the mercy of his errant mother or child services? The answer by now, is probably a resounding 'no.' That doesn't make you less of a man. It makes you more of one by a very long way. If it's important to you to know your son's paternity, you can do that without involving your ex. They can determine that with a sample from you and from him. Babies just have a mouth swab taken for cheek cells so there'll be no discomfort for your son.

If your ex is still a risk to your son then it may be time to get closure and go to court to have her permanently excluded from his life. Women do this to dad's all the time for various reasons, don't let the fact that she is the mother cloud your judgement. Threatening to harm a child to score points and ramming a car in which your own child is sitting are despicable acts of selfishness and cruelty in my opinion. The fact that you returned to collect him when she made these threats suggests to me that you really believed her capable of harming him. Does she pay you maintenance? If she's not, she should and it's things like this that you can gather in order to get this woman out of your life.

Are you still single because you still think she'll go nuts again if you meet someone? You can't live with that kind of emotional blackmail. This woman seems to be a poisonous influence in your life with few redeeming qualities and it may well be time to say 'enough.'

Taking on a man and his son is no different than a man falling for a woman who already has a child. Just because it's less common, doesn't mean it will deter women from dating you. You sound like you have been depressed a long time and your self esteem will have suffered as a result. This means you lack perspective and optimism right now, you might want to talk to a doctor about that. There are options you can consider, including therapy, that might help give you the motivation to start making positive decisions and seeing the future as a promise, not a threat.

I hope you do manage to put your life together because you sound like a thoroughly decent guy who deserves a break. My pm box is always open if you'd like to chat further.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I just lost my job so now I'm an unemployed single father and now I wish I had those fun drugs....

I'm guessing he feels like he's missed his chance to be young and stupid. I doubt he'd take drugs as he sounds like a responsible parent.

 

[sunandshadow]

1. Consider moving
2. Get a paternity test done, I'm surprised one wasn't done as part of the custody trial, but anyway have it done because otherwise you'll always wonder.

 

[Xina]

Why the paternity test? What would you do if it wasn't your kid? Does that change the fact that you've raised him to this point? Does it change how you love him?

All it does is free you from responsibility, but it leaves the kid with no one. If you love him that's much more important than where the sperm came from.

As for the woman, i figure, if my father could totally vanish with us kids and keep us from my mom for 6 years when he had a divorce agreement that stated he had to let her have visitation rights you should be able to do so if you have the law saying she has to stay away.

Get as far away from her as possible. Don't talk to anyone who knows her. Unless she's sane enough to hire a private detective, and from what you've said I doubt she is, you'll be able to slip away and start a new life.

 

[PublicAffection]

Even if some other dude is the "biological" father... I'll bet you that if you ask the baby (when old enough to talk) who it's Daddy is, it'll point at you.

 

[Milly66]

Firstly, I commend you for bringing your son up as a single father, secondly I don't think you need to apologise as talking helps and everyone needs to vent from time to time. I was going to agree with the suggestion you move. However I am not sure that you could do this due to her visitation rights (but then again she doesn't need to know where you moved too). I empathise with your comments about feeling like your life is over etc and feeling very lonely as I am a single parent and it can improve, you just need to stay posotive.

Have you considered an injunction against the ex (as she obviously has mental health issues), but also any prospective new partner (and believe me there will be some) explain the problems you have/having with the ex; forewarned and all that. Don't give up hoping, there are some women out there that will apreciate your qualities (and you obviously have some good ones). Good luck.

 

[cute_nerd]

Please get yourself some therapy for the benefit of you and your child. At this stage in the game, you're all he's got, and he's going to need you A LOT in the upcoming years. You'll be surprised to find out how much it helps to tell a non-judgmental person about your troubles, and the therapist can give you a lot of insight, as well as some resources to help you. They also have ideas about legal issues. Keep you chin up and good luck!

 

[Hopeful]

As for the fun drugs... I don't even drink. Last New Years Eve I bought a bottle of vodka and it still sits in my freezer. I have smoked pot but that's the only other drug I have tried and that was very light use, like once a month or so if that. In the last 4 years I can count on my hand the number of times I have gotten drunk and those were occasions such as weddings and birthdays.
By fun drugs I more or less meant the drugs they had me on when I was younger for depression. I felt more like a zombie when on drugs that were supposed to make me feel better.

In the end they had me on six different meds. I took myself off those meds and got a full time job in construction rather then being stuck in a factory I got to work in different places and learned something new every day. That alone helped. It was the commuting 2-3 hours a day that finally got to me. Relocating wouldn't help since the job sites were all over the state and sometimes out of state. The gas prices were the final straw compounded with never seeing my son. I made good money but it wasn't worth it.

I'm not on welfare...and I don't ever want to be. Right now I'm living off my savings and working odd jobs under the table for extra money to keep afloat. Right now I'm helping my father renovate my sisters home. It's a good job since my sister watches my son during the day and he gets to play with her two children which are about the same age as him, and I get to see him pretty much all day.

As for paternity. I said I hope he is my son...by blood anyway. At this point and from the moment he was borne I saw him as my son and I can't imagine life without him. Even when he's away on the weekends it's hard, though it's nice to be able to sleep in and even when he's not here I swear I hear him playing in the other room..until I realize he's not here.
When I went for custody I asked about a test of some sort and I was told that since I signed papers at the hospital when he was borne it didn't matter; legally I was the father in the eyes of the New York court system. So even if the paternity test came out as me not being his father I am still his father. My fear was that his real father would fight for custody as well and the mess that would become of it all. There has always been the suspicions but I know that a test wouldn't make me feel any better, especially if it turned out I wasn't the biological father. A double edged sword. I've seen the Murry Pulvitch (sp) show few times where the girl brings out 12 different guys to find out who the father is.... I'm shocked that this kind of thing could ever happen in real life. Then again it's sad that I have only had sex with two woman. Then again I have never asked anyone out since I never know how they'll respond or if they're with someone. Or I don't want to ruin a friendship by making it awkward. I have flirted with girls but you don't know if they're just being friendly or if there is any interest. Do you understand? For instance there is a girl at the local hardware store. She's very attractive and sweet and we talk from time to time, and one time she showed me the M&M tattoo she has above her butt. The only common point we both have is that we both drive Chevy Blazers...

Yes life is what you make of it and I have tried to make the best of it. It is easy to say get a job, get your life together and start dating. Up until few months ago I had a steady job (self employed) and things were pretty ok, but I was lonely as hell. I had some money and a beautiful child but beyond that I felt empty. There are lots of women I'd like to ask out but I'm not that outgoing, I'm rather shy...hence the posting on a forum. And the idea of asking someone out that I see every day then being shot down then having to face that person... Or if it does go further, then what happens? Will the ex start her crap again or let me be? Or what if it is someone special but they just aren't ready for children, let alone some else's child.

As for the ex and the hit and run; she got 30 days in jail for that on account that she plead "temporarily insanity." We (me and my ex) have one common friend and he comes by about once a week and we hang out and more often then not just watch a movie or work on his car.
I have changed my cell number several times which was a real pain because I had employees and customers that needed to contact me. I like the small city I live in and all of my family live hear. It's not like NYC where I could move three blocks away and disappear
I have to allow visitation; for when she wants to see him. And it's a good idea for her or her mother who she lives with to be able to get in touch of me if something happens. Like last week when she called me around 1:00 AM to tell me they didn't have any diapers... I was a little livid and told them I wouldn't be dropping off diapers, I'd be over to pick him up. I can't see how you can't keep diapers in the house when you have him two days a week...if that.

In my point of view my ex's mother has more interest in the child then his mother. More often then not drinking or shopping take priority over him and that isn't right to me. Two Mothers Day's in a row she either didn't pick him up or when I came over to drop him off she told me she didn't want him... As was the case last month on her birthday when she went shopping instead of seeing him. He's like that cat she begged and begged me to get. I like cats...don't get me wrong and I had a cat at the time (Freddy) that I had for about 4 years. Once she got the kitten she never fed him or cleaned the litter box. I know a child and a cat are completely different. But the underlying responsibility is there.

Thank you for listening and your advice.

 

[Davetmat]

All the good advice has been already put up, so i just wanted to say.. Stay strong mate .. as said before your all the stability this kid has and my hats off to you.
I wouldn't personally worry about a partner right now, just focus on yourself and your son.. you seem like a good bloke and a good woman will be attracted to you one day I'm sure.

 

[AgonySceneGirl]

example.
i'm 22 years old. was engaged by 18, a mom by 19. and alone by 21.
I have a restraining order on my ex and a child abuse restraining order for my son.
You just have the stalking side of things.
I got my ass kicked every day from the time i got pregnant till the time i finally worked up the courage to leave. The day i left was the day he went after my son.
Even with the restraining order i get the 3 am phone calls from "blocked number" and hear his voice laughing into the phone.
But guess what.
I still push on, and the main reason i push on is because the people on this wonderful website i found helped me realize several things that i needed to do but was afraid to.
What you need to do get your life back on track and get yourself a job and start dating.. <i know its hard trust me. i'm still busting my own ass to get my life on track. But its a long road and i'm taking it, just as you should be. But the best thing for you to do right now, find someone yo ucan talk to and just hang out with, no sex or strings just a friendship - and when you have a job and on track again, ask whoever you befriend out on a date! have your mom watch the lil guy for a while and have some fun!

 

[Hopeful]

I really am sorry to hear that AgonySceneGirl. My sister went through crap like that. Pregnant by 18 and then with the same abusive piece of shit boyfriend. No matter how many times me or my brother would intervene. Kick his ass or get her a new apartment within a month she would be back with the guy again and when we'd visit...a door would be broken or she'd have fresh bruises. After three years I gave up on her. I don't mean to be callus and I know that she didn't want to be hit; no one does, but it was the life she wanted to lead or she was too ignorant to know any better. There would be restraining orders and all that but she kept letting him back in her life. It took until SHE realized that it had to change and finally stopped letting him back into her life. When she finally stuck to the restraining order and stopped letting him come back.

My point of view on that. I'm glad you got away. No one deserves to live in an abusive relationship like that.

I'm no angle. I did hit my ex on one occasion and nothing I can say can make what I did right.
About two years into our relationship I went with her to the gynecologist (sp?) for her appointment. About a week later she got a phone call saying that her test results were in and that she had to come back to the office. The nurse who worked at the front desk pulled my ex to the side after she gave her name and talked to her while I waited. The next day I got a phone call from the Public Health saying that I may have had sexual contact with someone with an STD and should come down to be tested. I was a little shaken considering the only partner I had been with up to that time was...well her; my ex.
When I asked her and she flat out denied anything and I was a little suspicious with what happened at the office.

I went down and got tested and soon after the results came back positive. I was livid and broke things off.
A few days later she came to my house and I told her to leave and locked the door. I had just gotten out of work and went to take a shower when I got out of the shower my house was trashed. The contents of my refrigerator where in my living room and my furniture and computer where in shambles. Still in my towel I ran down the street, grabbed her by the back of the neck. Took the mace she kept out of her pocket book maced her and threw her on the ground. An hour later the sheriff was at my door.

I know what I did but wasn't right and what I'm going to say won't make it right. I was pissed. More angry then I have ever been in my life. She cheated on me and gave me a STD and instead of being honest and telling me she pawned it off to officials. Then after I broke up with her...because she cheated and gave me an STD then wasn't honest. Instead of leaving me alone and giving me my space and letting things cool off she destroyed my house. If I were vindictive bastard I would have let her stay instead of telling her to leave and beat the holy hell out of her in the safety of my own home. Not in full view of my neighbors.

I'm not trying to excuse my actions but after reading that I'm a piece of shit after all and no better then my sisters ex-boyfriend.

 

[katiekatiegirl]

You sound like a great man and any girl would be lucky to have you. You have integrity, which is greatly lacking in today's society. You are dedicated to your son which is an admirable quality. Don't be so hard on yourself about the other things, no one's perfect. Your son is very lucky to have you and he'll grow up to be a better man because of you. Lean on your family for support and quit worrying about finding someone, when you find the right person she will love your son as much as she loves you. Remember you're a package deal. Hang in there sweetie and I wish you the very best.