How to..(relationship issue)

[Jane79]

....handle this situation.

My apologies in advance for the length of this post and if I sound like an idiot. hehe I am however very rattled and have been for a few days now. I would like to know what the general concensus is on a situation like this. I chose to post on Lit because there are a greater number of males around here than other forums and I would like perspectives from both sides.


My boyfriend and I met online 5 years ago. We are currently in a long distance relationship with about 1k miles between us. We chatted for about 3 years and then met in person. We had frequent visits after that, spent time around one anothers families, etc. It has now been almost 8 months since the last visit however. Neither of us ever made the permanant move because I for one have kids and I don't wish to seperate them from thier father. He has some issues with himself that have prevented him from moving here. Annnnnyway.

Things have been pretty rotten since last November. Lots of nasty fights and alot of stupidity from both sides. I admit it, I wasn't behaving right either. The distance and both of our personal issues really got out of hand. But we kept plugging along and trying to work things out. Then comes the last few weeks. He withdrew. I knew something was up besides the fighting because it is not his style to act as such just from our spats. Where as he previously called me throughout the day and texted me alot, he suddendly cut back to no calls really and maybe a text or 2. He told me he was busier than before and did not have much time for texting etc. I got suspicious that he liked this female (married) co-worker. He denied it. Whatever. This co-worker gets laid off at the beginning of this month. The withdrawing turns into him becoming pretty mean and harsh whenever we talked, which has always been everyday. Still is. He claimed to be feeling not himself and somewhat depressed. I tried to be supportive and to get him to talk about what was wrong. That made it worse.


Fast forward to last Thursday night. He is talking about work and I inquire about the 2 people that got laid off...asked if anyone had heard from them etc. He told me no not really. He had not talked to them. For whatever reason, based on his wording, I felt that was bs. So I went and looked at his phone and text records online. I saw a a whole bunch of texts and asked him who they were to. He stated they were to the aforementioned ex co- worker. Before anyone skewers me for *snooping*, let me say this. He had gave me his cell phone account password, and he had mine. We shared all our different info. We did this as we are long distance and wanted to be open books, fully trusted etc to one another.

He has been texting her since the day she was laid off, not quite 3 weeks ago. A few days, it was 20+ times a day. Maybe 1-2 text to me in there. Some days zip to me. No phone calls to her listed under that number. I flipped, of course. He went and changed his password out of fear that I may call her and embarass him. I did not and would not. This is between him and I. I flipped more when he did that though. He said he didn't ever mention it to me because he knew I would get upset. It was a rough weekend to say the very least. He eventually tells me that he will cut back on the texting and taper off completely since it was causing an issue with us. He obviously was NOT happy about that idea however. This was Monday. He also changed the password back so I could look at whatever I want. This was yesterday, Wednesday.

Well he is still texting with her. All the while, he is not exactly warm and fuzzy to me, but is telling me he does not want us to end and wants to work through this and continue on with working towards a life together, he loves me, etc. He is still halfass withdrawn though and rather pissy over my wanting him to stop talking to her. Several times he has tried to make me feel guilty over the stand I have taken. He says I am blowing the whole thing way out of proportion, it is just friendly chat and he should not have to stop but he will if I insist as he does not want to lose me. I on the other hand feel if it wasn't a big deal, if he did not have feelings for her, he would have zero issue with ceasing to talk with her. I am just seriously crushed over all of this. I feel as though my feelings and the relationship do not mean anything to him any longer and this person whom does not know anything about him beyond the surface level is higher up on his list of priorities. I have put up with ALOT of things with this man...I've let a bunch of things go and kept trying to move forward. He too put up with some things from me but nothing compared to what I have. I accepted alot of things most would balk at and this is pretty much the only thing I cannot tolerate. I have spent time this week reflecting on the past few months and my contribution to how things have eroded to this point. I owned up to my part and I apologized to him for that. I am trying really hard to work past this but I am struggling. I told him that I love him but he seems confused about what he want's at this point, so maybe I should step out of the picture until he can decide what it is he wants. That made him pretty angry and he said he already knows he wants me and I don't need to go away nor does he want me to so just drop it.

I confess that I am NOT thinking clearly at this point. At all. I am feeling heartbroken and betrayed and it is clouding my thinking. I am unsure if I have the right to be this torqued or if he is correct in saying I'm being overboard. I would like some opinions before I truly decide to walk away from someone I still love with all of my heart, out of fear that I am being a blind fool if I were to let this situation go.

My sincere thanks in advance.

 

[unregistered]

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Jane

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling heartbroken over this whole thing and I sympathise, I really do. I sympathise so very much that I'm going to pick a few things out of the post you wrote and I hope you can see the love and best wishes in what I have to say.

My boyfriend and I met online 5 years ago. We are currently in a long distance relationship with about 1k miles between us. We chatted for about 3 years and then met in person. We had frequent visits after that, spent time around one anothers families, etc. It has now been almost 8 months since the last visit however. Neither of us ever made the permanant move because I for one have kids and I don't wish to seperate them from thier father. He has some issues with himself that have prevented him from moving here.

So, it was 3 years till you met and has been 2 years long distance. That is some serious hanging around, on both your parts. Very few long distance relationships can last all that time without trust issues occurring. Have there been incidents like this before?

So he withdraws, the co-worker (C) gets laid off and he gets 'mean and harsh.' Although you are having issues, he is making zero effort to resolve them. Then he lies to you about contacting C and proceeds to text her up to 20 times a day, while virtually ignoring you. You try to get him to talk, he get even more defensive and withdrawn.

You check his records and the texts to C and confront him. Despite the fact he is clearly in the wrong for lying to you, ignoring you and spending all day texting someone else, he says you're blowing things out of proportion.

I disagree. He is trying to turn this around on you so he can have his cake and text it too. The only upside to this is that if they're texting all the time, they're clearly not spending much time together. If his records show he goes quiet in the evening and at night, I'd be highly suspicious that they were hooking up.

So he promises to stop texting her and then does the opposite. He clearly does not see reassuring you and restoring your trust in him as any sort of priority. He is determined to act exactly as he pleases without reference to you. Are these the actions of a guy who considers himself to be in a serious, monogamous and long-standing relationship? I think you are setting yourself up for more heartache by putting up with this BS. You have asked him to stop contacting this woman and he has not done so, he has no intention of doing so. This is a man with one foot out the back door. Is that what you want for you and your kids?

I appreciate that you have invested a lot of time and love in this relationship. This guy is treating you very poorly however and his attitude is extremely arrogant and selfish. Would he put up with behaviour like this from you? I'm not suggesting you start trying to make him jealous, just ask yourself that question. My guess is that he would not and how is that fair? After 5 years, you seem to be drifting apart and if he will not make the effort required to prevent that, then maybe he doesn't deserve to have you hanging around waiting for him. All this time, you could have met someone who wanted to be a father to your kids, who wanted to make you happy, treat you like a princess, who wanted to be with you.

For whatever reason, you may have to accept that this guy has been dragging his feet for far too long and he does not love you nearly enough.

 

[infinity706]

As for the more guys thing, lit is the only adult forum I've ever been on that wasn't male dominated.

As for the issue at hand, this doesn't sound good. I do agree with the posters that said the texting 20 times a day and ignoring you is a major red flag. What I'm not certain about is that it's necessarily a sign of cheating. It could just as well be that they're very good friends and he felt you would be jealous if he told you. Afterall, it does seem to be a common theme a lot of times that if a guy has a female friend he's close to, he has to be fucking her. If they are good freinds, it doesn't really surprise me at all. Afterall, they were probably talking a lot at work and are still on good terms with each other while it's pretty obvious that you and he aren't getting along very well. It also makes a lot of sense that he'd be under a lot of stress if a good friend of his got laid off.

As for you, it could be that you have a point. He could very well be cheating on you. It might be premature to jump to conclusions since you don't know, but it does sound like you've been on a very rocky road anyway for the last 4 months.

It really seems like to me, that both of you need to take some time apart to straighten out your own shit. Relationships require a lot of work and long distance ones, even more so. Obviously, you're both under a ton of stress and you need some time apart to work on it before you both start resenting each other and end up like the couples that split and sling hate at each other for the rest of your lives.

 

[A_Kefka]

it sounds like there could be something between them. But just to argue the other point, some of my closest friends have always been female. So it could be there isn't anything other than him trying to make sure a friend is ok during a very hard time. If he says thats all it is then this all comes down to whether or not you believe him.

 

[BertrandRussell]

Ouch. There is a lot of pain in your words. And I fear that you are increasing that by your actions.

I suggest focussing on what he is/isn't doing with you, not what he is/isn't doing with others. If he is a thousand miles away and does not see you for months, he could be doing anything, and you might not know about it. You can drive yourself nuts speculating. You can cause yourself far more pain than is necessary by doing it.

What matters is this: are you getting what you want/need? Are you happy?

If not, do what is necessary to change that.
Take all the effort that you are expending on figuring out what he is doing and what the co-worker is doing, and re-focus that energy on getting what you want. If he is really important, move. Or insist that he move. Or visit regularly. At least get counselling - I'm sure that some professional will work with you in a three-way phone or email session..

In the end, either get a relationship that you are happy with, or move on to someone else.

My gut feel is that you will have to choose the second option. I'm in a LD relationship myself. ( Fortunately about 130 miles, not 1000. ) We see each other almost every week. There is no way that I would go eight months without seeing her, or even eight weeks. Even if I had to walk. It could be 1000 miles, I'd still walk it before I'd go eight months without seeing her.
If he can't manage to see you in eight months, he is probably not the man for you.

One way or another, I hope it works out well for you.

 

[Jane79]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am reading and taking in everyone's words.

To answer a couple questions, I have no idea what the text say. He just said they are *chit chatty* in nature, the same sorts of things they would have said at work before.

Yes, we have had trust issues before. His ex-gf (of almost 3 years) came back into the picture for a little while 2 or 3 years ago. They were IMing back and forth. He eventually made the choice to stop and I do believe him 100% when he says he did. We managed to work through that and rebuild enough trust that we were still involved together. That situation has colored my opinion of this one, I have no doubt. I guess that is part of why this has me so bent up. He always swore up and down that he would never go behind my back again, was going to always be up front about these sorts of things.

I liked the reply about both of us needing to get our shit together. I have been saying that since after the holidays. It became pretty obvious that we were both grappeling with our own problems and it was affecting *us*.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[naughty Papa]

if u lov somebody

Jane all i can say is remeber the song " If you love somebody set them free....free ...free...set them free ....and they will come back........ i know it is easy to say difficult to follow but be at it jane.........of course use ur discretion
lots of freedom
cheers

Thanks for the replies everyone. I am reading and taking in everyone's words.

To answer a couple questions, I have no idea what the text say. He just said they are *chit chatty* in nature, the same sorts of things they would have said at work before.

Yes, we have had trust issues before. His ex-gf (of almost 3 years) came back into the picture for a little while 2 or 3 years ago. They were IMing back and forth. He eventually made the choice to stop and I do believe him 100% when he says he did. We managed to work through that and rebuild enough trust that we were still involved together. That situation has colored my opinion of this one, I have no doubt. I guess that is part of why this has me so bent up. He always swore up and down that he would never go behind my back again, was going to always be up front about these sorts of things.

I liked the reply about both of us needing to get our shit together. I have been saying that since after the holidays. It became pretty obvious that we were both grappeling with our own problems and it was affecting *us*.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Derya]

sorry you're suffering through tough situation

Ouch. There is a lot of pain in your words. And I fear that you are increasing that by your actions.

I suggest focussing on what he is/isn't doing with you, not what he is/isn't doing with others. If he is a thousand miles away and does not see you for months, he could be doing anything, and you might not know about it. You can drive yourself nuts speculating. You can cause yourself far more pain than is necessary by doing it.

What matters is this: are you getting what you want/need? Are you happy?

If not, do what is necessary to change that.
Take all the effort that you are expending on figuring out what he is doing and what the co-worker is doing, and re-focus that energy on getting what you want. If he is really important, move. Or insist that he move. Or visit regularly. At least get counselling - I'm sure that some professional will work with you in a three-way phone or email session..

In the end, either get a relationship that you are happy with, or move on to someone else.

My gut feel is that you will have to choose the second option. I'm in a LD relationship myself. ( Fortunately about 130 miles, not 1000. ) We see each other almost every week. There is no way that I would go eight months without seeing her, or even eight weeks. Even if I had to walk. It could be 1000 miles, I'd still walk it before I'd go eight months without seeing her.
If he can't manage to see you in eight months, he is probably not the man for you.

One way or another, I hope it works out well for you.

My relationshilp experience has been none too successful and my long distance relationships even less so...thus I'm hesitant to suggest any direction but I do want to say that this response struck me as very real, thoughtful and pretty right on.

 

[subwannabe]

In your own words:

Neither of us ever made the permanant move because I for one have kids and I don't wish to seperate them from thier father. He has some issues with himself that have prevented him from moving here.

Things have been pretty rotten since last November. Lots of nasty fights and alot of stupidity

The withdrawing turns into him becoming pretty mean and harsh whenever we talked

I have put up with ALOT of things with this man...I've let a bunch of things go

I accepted alot of things most would balk at



I didn't even mention anything about textmessaging the girl. This is who you want a relationship with? You are right to be pissed about the textmessaging to that girl. No guy text messages 20 times a day to someone he doesn't even have feelings for - particularly if he has a girlfriend already. You are a blind fool - especially if you continue a relationship with this guy, whether he quits textmessaging or not. If he should happen to quit this relationship with this woman it will not end your problems. They will continue. You deserve better than a relationship like this. Go find it and leave him in the dust, where he belongs. Don't continue being a blind fool.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I didn't even mention anything about textmessaging the girl. This is who you want a relationship with? You are right to be pissed about the textmessaging to that girl. No guy text messages 20 times a day to someone he doesn't even have feelings for - particularly if he has a girlfriend already. You are a blind fool - especially if you continue a relationship with this guy, whether he quits textmessaging or not. If he should happen to quit this relationship with this woman it will not end your problems. They will continue. You deserve better than a relationship like this. Go find it and leave him in the dust, where he belongs. Don't continue being a blind fool.

Amen

I'm sorry Jane. I wish I could be more positive about your guy, I really do. A good trick for deciding how to handle a situation is to ask yourself what advice you would give your best friend if she were in your shoes. Most people (me included) are great with other people's problems and less brilliant with their own.

What would you advise your best friend to do?

 

[ReadyOne]

Three questions that often help

Ask yourself these questions:

1. What is the worst thing that could happen?

2. What is the best thing that could happen?

And after you've answered those two,

3. What do you thing will really happen?

Somewhere in answer three is generally found a large gem of truth.


PS: My personal opinion is "don't throw good money after bad". You've invested a whole lot with little return and little prospect of a good return.