How to nicely tell someone you've lost interest?

[SmlGrlDrkThghts]

So, I met this guy. And before I knew him well enough to know whether I liked him in that way, he asked me on a date. I felt stuck because I was afraid that if I said no he'd lose interest and if I said yes, well, I wasn't sure yet whether I liked him.

So obviously the smart thing to do would have been to tell him that and be like, "maybe in the future." But he was standing there waiting for an answer and it had come out of the blue and I was panicking and I figured, hey, people do this all the time, don't they? Get to know each other via dating?

Well, it backfired. After the second date I knew for sure that I didn't like him that way, but I didn't know how to say it. And when he asked for a third, my stupid mouth said yes while my brain was freaking out. Basically, he's not as bright as I am, and it's not only a huge turnoff but has actually gotten in the way of enjoying conversation with him.

As is clear from what I've already said, I'm not very socially adept, and I'm apparently a huge wimp. He's a wonderfully nice guy, but he's just not for me. What is the nicest way possible to disengage from this cycle? I feel awful for not having been honest from the start -- all of this could have been avoided if I'd known what I was doing. >.<

Has anyone else been in this situation, from either side? What's the least mean way to explain there's just no attraction there? I know it'll probably hurt him however I say it, but there's got to be a way to minimise the hurt?

Update:
Since people keep posting advice, I thought I'd post here to save others some time by letting you know the situation has been resolved. Thanks.

 

[EbonyFire77]

There is NO WAY you can minimize any hurt feelings. I've heard enough stories about this situation to know that the best thing you can do is to say, "I'm sorry but I don't think this will work out. I enjoyed the time we had together and hope the best for you."

You'd only be wasting your time by going to more dates and not expressing what's really on your mind. It's better to say this NOW and have the other person experience a few day's worth of letdown than weeks later.

 

[DieselJester]

In my experience; Just be straight up with him. It's less of a blow that way. Way back in the day when I was dating I've been let down probably in every way imaginable. The best way and probably the least damaging to my overall feelings was when the girl just straight up told me that it wasn't working and we weren't compatible for whatever reasons. That way there's no second guessing, there's no mind games, there's no 'what ifs', etc. You both know where you stand. If you're really lucky you might still hang out as friends (if that's what you're both after out of each other).

Don't get me wrong, it'll still hurt. But it's better to know than to not know.

 

[Kalamain]

You have got to be straight and don't lie...

And please don't do it my text message or something. You need to actually speak to him....Even if its over the phone.

If you like him as a friend then TELL HIM THAT. But don't lead him on that there would be something he could do/change to win you back....Unless there is, of course!

It will hurt him...And you, that is not in question...The point is to lessen that hurt for you both as much as you can.

 

[NightL]

"Thank you for the attention but I am really not interested in taking this further"

why is this so hard to say?

It is clear and honest - and simple

 

[bailadora]

"Thank you for the attention but I am really not interested in taking this further"

why is this so hard to say?

It is clear and honest - and simple

Because, in general, women are socially conditioned to put the needs/desires of others ahead of their own. One of the phrases I remember most from my own childhood is "Be sweet."

Being sweet could mean anything from being agreeable, even when I didn't feel like it, or being encouraged to put someone else's agenda ahead of my own in the interest of being helpful. Sometimes, it can be hard to go against a lifetime of conditioning.

I'm getting better about holding my own, but when I know my answer will disappoint or possibly hurt someone, it still makes me inwardly squirm.

 

[Kalamain]

I'm getting better about holding my own, but when I know my answer will disappoint or possibly hurt someone, it still makes me inwardly squirm.

Thats not social conditioning...Thats called 'Not being a dick'.

Nobody wants their feelings hurt and people are right to want to avoid it if possible. Don't blame that on society...Thank them for it. I bet you dn't want someone being a dick to you , do you?

What you want to blame society for is the idea that people can pressure others into doing what they don't want to, or are not ready to do.

 

[silverwhisper]

there's no nice way to do this. explain to the guy that this isn't working for you. if he presses, you can either: a) stonewall, b) lie or c) tell the truth.

the expression you're looking for is "cruel to be kind". whatever you say is gonna hurt him a little. cuz truth be told, it isn't that you lost interest--you never had it in the first place.

ed

 

[Aphro]

You just have to tell him straight up. But whatever you do, don't tell him "I like you as a friend" or "we can still be friends" because this will give false hope that he can change that one day.

No one likes to hurt someone's feelings, but the longer it goes on, the worse it will be.

 

[fire_breeze]

So, I met this guy. And before I knew him well enough to know whether I liked him in that way, he asked me on a date. I felt stuck because I was afraid that if I said no he'd lose interest and if I said yes, well, I wasn't sure yet whether I liked him.

So obviously the smart thing to do would have been to tell him that and be like, "maybe in the future." But he was standing there waiting for an answer and it had come out of the blue and I was panicking and I figured, hey, people do this all the time, don't they? Get to know each other via dating?

Well, it backfired. After the second date I knew for sure that I didn't like him that way, but I didn't know how to say it. And when he asked for a third, my stupid mouth said yes while my brain was freaking out. Basically, he's not as bright as I am, and it's not only a huge turnoff but has actually gotten in the way of enjoying conversation with him.

As is clear from what I've already said, I'm not very socially adept, and I'm apparently a huge wimp. He's a wonderfully nice guy, but he's just not for me. What is the nicest way possible to disengage from this cycle? I feel awful for not having been honest from the start -- all of this could have been avoided if I'd known what I was doing. >.<

Has anyone else been in this situation, from either side? What's the least mean way to explain there's just no attraction there? I know it'll probably hurt him however I say it, but there's got to be a way to minimise the hurt?

Welcome to Lit

There are a couple of things that I do want to clarify. First, you did nothing wrong. That's what dating is for - to figure out if you two are compatible, if you happen to like each other 'that way'. Will being let down sting? Yes. But will it hurt? Not for long term; as you two didn't date for very long, it will be more disappointment than hurting.

In other words, you WERE honest, because you weren't sure. How could you avoid something you didn't know? Furthermore, what would have happened if you didn't give it a try and then he turns out to be an incredible, smart, considerate guy where you have amazing chemistry? Unless you give it a shot, you cannot even begin to accurately determine whether it was a smart move or not. Even now, you have a better idea on what you are looking for. It's called dating for a reason. Do not beat yourself on it, because there is nothing to beat up. Not all dates will lead to romantic adventures. This is one of them.

I got to know two of my closest guy friends through dating and then realising that we weren't compatible after a few weeks. I let one down, the other he let me down. These friendships, which is still going strong after 10 years, would not have developped if I haven't dated them.

That said, be considerate of his feelings - and of your own. It's difficult to end things.

Here's what NOT to do (and this, I speak from experience).
~ Do not disappear on him. If he calls, emails, texts, whatever, answer. Do not brush him off. It's rude, it's inconsiderate and it's inhumane.

~ Do not (as an above poster mentioned) do this over email or text. Either see him face to face or tell him over the phone. He deserves that much.

~ Do not be wishy washy. You have to be definite about what you want. If you do not want to see him, then say "I don't think we should be seeing each other. I wish you all the best." If you want to keep something for the future, then say "This isn't working for me right now - maybe sometime in the future." If you do want to be friends, "Something romantic is just not working, which is a shame, because you are a great guy and I feel that we could be good friends".

~ Do not be passive-aggressive. Tell him and do not lead him on. And don't drag it out.

~ Do not be a bitch. Yes, ending something, no matter how brief, is not fun, but it is necessary. It's not fair to him to be leading him on, and it's not fair to you either. I never ever ascribed to being honest=rudeness. It's possible to be completely honest and being completely polite at the same time. It's just harder.

I don't mean to come off as harsh and if I was, I apologise . However, you didn't date him for months, and besides, most adults had those kinds of experience, where the chemistry you thought (or hoped for) just wasn't there. It happens. It sucks. But with honesty, politeness and consideration, you can end things definitively and quickly.

Good luck. It's difficult, absolutely. But it's something many of us have experienced on both the giving end and the receiving end. But (and yes, there is a but), because it is so early in the relationship, when you are really getting to know each other, it's not as painful as the emotional attachments are just forming.

Best of luck

 

[Emerson40]

Being honest and being sweet (gracious) are not mutually exclusive things. You can be both at the same time.

Be forthright, polite, and gracious. Whatever sting this fella may feel when receiving this news will be alleviated a bit by your sincerity, and the respect you show him by being upfront and not muddying the waters in an effort to let him down gently.

 

[Lemmy963]

So, I met this guy. And before I knew him well enough to know whether I liked him in that way, he asked me on a date. I felt stuck because I was afraid that if I said no he'd lose interest and if I said yes, well, I wasn't sure yet whether I liked him.

So obviously the smart thing to do would have been to tell him that and be like, "maybe in the future." But he was standing there waiting for an answer and it had come out of the blue and I was panicking and I figured, hey, people do this all the time, don't they? Get to know each other via dating?

Well, it backfired. After the second date I knew for sure that I didn't like him that way, but I didn't know how to say it. And when he asked for a third, my stupid mouth said yes while my brain was freaking out. Basically, he's not as bright as I am, and it's not only a huge turnoff but has actually gotten in the way of enjoying conversation with him.

As is clear from what I've already said, I'm not very socially adept, and I'm apparently a huge wimp. He's a wonderfully nice guy, but he's just not for me. What is the nicest way possible to disengage from this cycle? I feel awful for not having been honest from the start -- all of this could have been avoided if I'd known what I was doing. >.<

Has anyone else been in this situation, from either side? What's the least mean way to explain there's just no attraction there? I know it'll probably hurt him however I say it, but there's got to be a way to minimise the hurt?

Just be honest and tell him. No it isn't going to be easy but I've been on both sides of situations like this enough times to say just be honest. It's less messy and leaves no room for doubt.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

what

What fire said will do for me. You'll be much more kind to be honest as in "I'm not interested in dating you." than to give excuses that you can't see him.

 

[SmlGrlDrkThghts]

Thank you all for your kind advice. I knew I had to be honest with him, I was just looking for a good way to phrase it that would be least mean. I went with a variation on this:

"Thank you for the attention but I am really not interested in taking this further"

"Not interested in taking this further" seemed like a nice way to say what I meant without minimising all the effort he'd gone to for the dates we did go on. I called him earlier today and when he asked why (I was hoping he wouldn't), I just said I wasn't feeling any chemistry. He said "okay," really quietly and told me goodbye and hung up.

I feel bad about waiting so long to do it, but I'm glad I did tell him. I didn't want to wait until our scheduled date (the next chance I'd have to see him face to face) because it seemed mean to let him expect a nice evening and dump that on him instead. :-/ So I called instead.

I think getting to know someone by dating them is not for me. There's too much pressure. I think I'll stick with getting to know people before deciding if I like them in a dating way.

Thanks again for all the kind suggestions and advice, you lot. I lurk around here sometimes reading other people's threads, and I knew the posters here would have some good thoughts to give me. You didn't disappoint.

 

[Kalamain]

I feel bad about waiting so long to do it, but I'm glad I did tell him. I didn't want to wait until our scheduled date (the next chance I'd have to see him face to face) because it seemed mean to let him expect a nice evening and dump that on him instead. :-/ So I called instead.

I think getting to know someone by dating them is not for me. There's too much pressure. I think I'll stick with getting to know people before deciding if I like them in a dating way.

Thanks again for all the kind suggestions and advice, you lot. I lurk around here sometimes reading other people's threads, and I knew the posters here would have some good thoughts to give me. You didn't disappoint.

Don't feel bad...I know its going to hurt you but you did the right thing and minimized the pain as much as you could.

Is there a chance that you will bump into him when out and about? If so remain calm and be prepared for a cold shoulder. It won't be easy but you have to remain neutral to him. Be polite but don't make him think has still has a chance. But don't blank him either.

You did the right thing.

 

[WillowGirl78]

I think getting to know someone by dating them is not for me. There's too much pressure. I think I'll stick with getting to know people before deciding if I like them in a dating way.

Then how will you ever date anyone thats not a friend? It's not always easy to make friends in the working world to pre-screen them for dating potential.

 

[SmlGrlDrkThghts]

Don't feel bad...I know its going to hurt you but you did the right thing and minimized the pain as much as you could.

Is there a chance that you will bump into him when out and about? If so remain calm and be prepared for a cold shoulder. It won't be easy but you have to remain neutral to him. Be polite but don't make him think has still has a chance. But don't blank him either.

You did the right thing.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Yes, it's possible I'll run into him again. *cringe* I am not good at the awkward, but I think I can remain polite but distant.

Then how will you ever date anyone thats not a friend? It's not always easy to make friends in the working world to pre-screen them for dating potential.

It may not be easy, but I think it's the only way it'll work for me. I just cannot be attracted to someone I'm not on friendly terms with, and it seems like jumping into dating a stranger isn't a great way to get to know them, for me. I don't know how others do it, but this experience just confirmed for me that I personally can't date someone with whom I haven't already developed some kind of friendship.

 

[boutrosboutros]

~ Do not (as an above poster mentioned) do this over email or text. Either see him face to face or tell him over the phone. He deserves that much.

I think everything you said is really good advice, but I'm curious whether anybody else agrees with me when I say that if I'm going to be rejected I'd rather it be by email or text than in person?

I haven't 'dated' for quite a while now, so maybe I'm misremembering, but the embarrassment of being told to your face "I don't want to date you" seems somehow worse to me than being told it in writing. If it's in writing you can read it in the comfort of a darkened room where you can hide your shame, your tears, your shattered self esteem, etc. Whereas in person there is nowhere to hide. Just my two pence.

 

[Kalamain]

I think everything you said is really good advice, but I'm curious whether anybody else agrees with me when I say that if I'm going to be rejected I'd rather it be by email or text than in person?

I haven't 'dated' for quite a while now, so maybe I'm misremembering, but the embarrassment of being told to your face "I don't want to date you" seems somehow worse to me than being told it in writing. If it's in writing you can read it in the comfort of a darkened room where you can hide your shame, your tears, your shattered self esteem, etc. Whereas in person there is nowhere to hide. Just my two pence.

With an email when you ask 'WHy' they have a chance to make an excuse and lie...
When the person is there right in front of you its much harder...And in another way...Its respectful.
Well...To me it is anyway.

 

[fire_breeze]

I think everything you said is really good advice, but I'm curious whether anybody else agrees with me when I say that if I'm going to be rejected I'd rather it be by email or text than in person?

I haven't 'dated' for quite a while now, so maybe I'm misremembering, but the embarrassment of being told to your face "I don't want to date you" seems somehow worse to me than being told it in writing. If it's in writing you can read it in the comfort of a darkened room where you can hide your shame, your tears, your shattered self esteem, etc. Whereas in person there is nowhere to hide. Just my two pence.

I see your point, and in a way, agree. However, there is a certain level of cowardice of being told bad news over email or text. It's dismissive and the person deserves to be told in person -at least, it was in my experience (and for what it's worth, I express myself better in writing).

Granted, the OP only went on two, if not three, dates so I would say that there were no emotional attachments formed.

I don't know, there are certain things you do not do over email or text. Asking someone to marry you is one. Letting someone go is another.

But to each their own!

 

[unicorn64]

I don't care what anybody says. I have been programed as a woman to not hurt a mans feelings. Whether it is no longer being interested or not being satisfied in bed. Don't hurt his feelings. My feelings get hurt but don't hurt his.

 

[Kalamain]

I don't care what anybody says. I have been programed as a woman to not hurt a mans feelings. Whether it is no longer being interested or not being satisfied in bed. Don't hurt his feelings. My feelings get hurt but don't hurt his.

Men are also taught the same thing...Or I was at any rate.

Not all men are arseholes... A lot of us care about people that could get hurt by our actions. If someone is hurting you then you should say something.

NOBODY has the right to hurt you. EVER.
Please don't tar all men with the shitty brush that you may have suffered...I'm sorry that you were upset at some point. But we are NOT all like that.

 

[silverwhisper]

unicorn64 quoth:
i don't care what anybody says. i have been programed as a woman to not hurt a mans feelings. whether it is no longer being interested or not being satisfied in bed. don't hurt his feelings. my feelings get hurt but don't hurt his.

the nice thing about being an actual human being rather than a mere computer is that you can change your programming. if you do, it might actually make you a happier person.

kalamain quoth:
men are also taught the same thing...or i was at any rate.

not all men are arseholes...a lot of us care about people that could get hurt by our actions. if someone is hurting you then you should say something.

nobody has the right to hurt you. ever.

please don't tar all men with the shitty brush that you may have suffered...i'm sorry that you were upset at some point. but we are not all like that.

amen to that.

ed

 

[amofiga]

In my experience; Just be straight up with him. It's less of a blow that way. Way back in the day when I was dating I've been let down probably in every way imaginable. The best way and probably the least damaging to my overall feelings was when the girl just straight up told me that it wasn't working and we weren't compatible for whatever reasons. That way there's no second guessing, there's no mind games, there's no 'what ifs', etc. You both know where you stand. If you're really lucky you might still hang out as friends (if that's what you're both after out of each other).

Don't get me wrong, it'll still hurt. But it's better to know than to not know.

To the OP

I haven't read every response, but this one rings home as a good way to go. It's hard to see it sometimes but that old "Honesty is the best policy" thing is usually the best thing. In my long life I've been dumped and have done the dumping many times. The worst way is to hear or give phony "It's not you it's me" sorts of excuses or even bigger lies that you'll get caught in later.

It's unrealistic to think that you will be attracted to and by everybody you meet or date. Many more times that not (at least my humble experience) the connection isn't going to be there or at least it will run it's course in a relatively short time. More often than not, both parties can sense it. I've had relatioinships that have ended really badly with lots of anger and resentment and I've had some that have ended quite a lot better where we have indeed remained cordial acquaintances if not super friends. It's always better to avoid anger and resentment even tough it's not easy to avoid hurt. People will certainly feel rejected and hurt, but unless there are real emotional problems present, people will get over it and move on.

Good luck. Be open. Be honest. Be gentle. Be objective and realistic.

 

[AlyssaStar]

Just be honest. Feelings will be hurt no matter what so don't beat around the bush.