How to make this better (Character development & Detail)

[SparxXx]

Hey

I'm writing my first chapter of a series which the title will be kept a secret for now. I have written about a page right now, however I have a feeling that whatver I have now doesn't provide good character development.

I'm trying to do the show me don't tell me way of writing but since its my first time writing a story in a very long time I was wondering if our authors here in literotica can help me out. How can I make, what I have right now, more exciting to readers? How can I make it look so that I'm not that same old writer like everybody else (if you know what I mean)? I need help on how to show the appearance of my characters instead of telling reader how they look (eg. she has this, she has that).

Here is what I have:


“Joshua…you want me to get you some coffee?” Shawn was practically standing there with two mugs in his hands. “You know you’re going to need it.”

“Alright whatever… but remember to mix in five packs of sugar.”

Shawn frowned shaking his head side to side. “I keep telling. Asking for five packs will end up being asking for no packs one day.”

Shawn turned his upper body witnessing someone sitting on a chair alongside the glass door on the other side. Shawn moved the mug from his right hand to his left while heading towards the door. He twisted the glimmering doorknob opening the door to a hallway. Shawn paced himself outside and closed the door behind him.

Shawn gave out a wide open mouth yawn, blinking several times after. He looked to his right and saw a woman with curly blonde hair that was done up into a bush.

He shrugged his dark eyebrows. “Hi! May I help you with something?” asked Shawn politely.

The woman stood up straightening her black coat. “Oh hi! My name is Christina and I’m here for an interview with Mr. Richard Allen.”

“You can try his office a few doors from here.”

“I tried his office already. Someone by the name Brian told me to look for him here in this room.”

“Well…Mr. Allen was supposed to meet up here but he hasn’t arrived yet. If you want I can tell him about your interview when he gets here.”

“You so sweet thank you sir.”

“May I get your last name please?”

“It’s Madison. If he can’t have the meeting today, tell him I’m open for re-scheduling.”

“Alright then…Oh wait! There he is right now entering his office.”

“Where!”

“The fourth door behind you.”



Thank you in advance

 

[Weird Harold]

“Joshua…you want me to get you some coffee?” Shawn was practically standing there with two mugs in his hands. “You know you’re going to need it.”

“Alright whatever… but remember to mix in five packs of sugar.”

Shawn frowned shaking his head side to side. “I keep telling. Asking for five packs will end up being asking for no packs one day.”

Basically a fair start, but you're trying to hard to control what the reader "sees" and have a tendency to redundancy.

How to you "practically stand" somewhere? Just exactly where is "there" in this context?

If someone "shakes their head" it's generally assumed to be "side to side" otherwise they would be "nodding" their head, which is the usual term for an "up and down" motion.

Also, you're misusing the ellipses -- an ellipsis means something was left out or a though was left unfininished. “Joshua…you want me to get you some coffee?” should be “Joshua, you want me to get you some coffee?”

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Also, you're misusing the ellipses -- an ellipsis means something was left out or a though was left unfininished. “Joshua…you want me to get you some coffee?” should be “Joshua, you want me to get you some coffee?”

it can, on occasion, indicate a very long pause... but I think a comma would suffice in this context.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Once you get the hang of it, character development is really easy. The key: Let the characters tell the reader whe they are and what they think about the other characters in dialogue. It also works for discriptions. For instance:

"I really hate that bitch. Just look at her. Don't you just love the way flips her long blond hair like some bitch, sorority cheerleader or something? And where do you suppose she bought those big tits? Those are nasty."

The ellipsis thing - forget about them for the most part.

One final thing. Everyone says "Show it, don't tell it." That's incomplete. It should say, "Show the reader with ACTIONS, don't tell the reader with DISCRIPTIONS." Make the dialogue and action work for you and you'll do just fine.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

RED: delete
GREEN: add
ORANGE: comment

“Joshua…you want me to get you some coffee?” Shawn stood there was practically standing there with two mugs in his hands. “You know you’re going to need it.”

“Alright whatever… but remember to mix in five packs of sugar.”

Shawn frowned, shaking his head side to side. “I keep telling you. Asking for five packs will end up being be like asking for no packs one day.” {what are you trying to say, here?? }
Shawn turned his upper body, witnessing seeing someone sitting on a chair alongside on the other side of the glass door on the other side. Shawn moved the mug from his right hand to his left while heading towards the door. He twisted the glimmeringdoor knob, opening the door to a hallway. Shawn slippedpaced {pacing usually implies back and forth motion... } himself outside and closed the door behind him.

Shawn He gave out a wide, open mouth yawn, blinking several times after. He looked to his right and saw a woman with curly blonde hair that was done up into a bush.

He shrugged his dark eyebrows. “Hi! May I help you with something?” asked Shawn politely.

The woman stood up, straightening her black coat. “Oh hi! My name is Christina and I’m here for an interview with Mr. Richard Allen.”

“You can try his office, a few doors down from here.”

“I tried his office already. Someone by the name Brian told me to look for him here in this room.”

“Well…Mr. Allen was supposed to meet up here but he hasn’t arrived yet. If you want, I can tell him about your interview when he gets inhere.”

“You're so sweet. Thank you, sir.”

“May I get your last name, please?”

“It’s Madison. If he can’t have the meeting today, tell him I’m open for re-scheduling.”

“Alright then…Oh wait! There he is right now entering his office.”

“Where!”

“The fourth door Right behind you.”

 

[slyc_willie]

Nice edit, Selena

The trick to creating a character in a story is to figure out what kind of story you want to write. in other words, are you telling a tale from one character's point of view, or are you, as the author, effectively playing God?

If a single character in a story is the focal point, you will want supporting characters to provide their own views and descriptions, which can vary greatly, of that character. But if all characters are essentially equal, it is up to you to give me, the reader, at least some background.

We know from your story that Shawn is a sensitive person. That Joshua has a sweet tooth. For some, that would be enough. But perhaps a few 'reflective' moments here and there would help. Why does Joshua like five packets of sugar in his coffee? Why does Shawn make the effort to help the Madison woman?

Think about questions like these, and your characters just might provide their own answers.

 

[SparxXx]

Thanks for the posts

Good job editing my work selena and thanks for the pointers on how I should show more background slyc_willie.

I would deeply appreciate anymore advice/opinions from authors, especially on how to nicely show readers the appearance of each character like what color their eyes are or what they are wearing.

Thanks again

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I would deeply appreciate anymore advice/opinions from authors, especially on how to nicely show readers the appearance of each character like what color their eyes are or what they are wearing.

Thanks again

Sparx, there's no rule that says you must give readers detailed physical descriptions of your characters. Hemingway never describes Lady Bret Ashley in, The Sun Also Rises. Of course, that's not an erotic novel.

However, readers have imaginations. Give hints they can use to fill in details. If you want a formula for short form erotica/porn, try listing no more than two physical attributes when a character is introduced. Then if you feel it's needed, work in additional details a little bit at a time.

For instance, instead of saying, "She had big, blue eyes," maybe slip in the information as part of a dialogue tag.

Her deep blue eyes gazed up at me, and my brain shortcircuited. "So tell me, Sparx, what did you have in mind?"

Whatever you do, avoid the temptation of giving precise, numerical measurements.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Whatever you do, avoid the temptation of giving precise, numerical measurements.

Rumple Foreskin

Yes. Humongous Knockers always works for me

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Yes. Humongous Knockers always works for me

or "generous scoops of flesh"... and make them defy gravity!

 

[SparxXx]

Whatever you do, avoid the temptation of giving precise, numerical measurements

I don't know if I quite understand this, but does it mean not to try and force a way to show how the character looks. You're saying that readers should actually imagine themselves rather than showing them how a character looks?

Thanks for the other post authors put up. They all help out.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I don't know if I quite understand this, but does it mean not to try and force a way to show how the character looks. You're saying that readers should actually imagine themselves rather than showing them how a character looks?

Thanks for the other post authors put up. They all help out.

One of the things you have to learn, SparxXx, is that the readers have minds too. You can use that to your advantage or it will be your disadvantage. If you suggest an image to the reader, he/she will fill it in and divour your work. If you tell the reader the discription he/she will stop reading after the third paragraph.

Do you care if the reader has a somewhat different image in their minds than you did when you wrote the story? You shouldn't.

I've gotten to the point where I use almost no discription at all. Hasn't hurt my readers in the least.

Edit - That's not entirely true. I use a lot of discriptions in Humor such as,
"Whne she walked, her 34 inch hips swung like a battleship at sea, while her 42DDD knockers jiggled enough to give me a head ache." But that's for the humerous effect, and generally not good writing.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I don't know if I quite understand this, but does it mean not to try and force a way to show how the character looks. You're saying that readers should actually imagine themselves rather than showing them how a character looks?

Thanks for the other post authors put up. They all help out.

Instead of: she was 5'6 and had long blonde hair and blue eyes, her breasts were 36D and she weighed about 130 pounds...

You could say: Her blonde head came up to his shoulder and, as she turned her bright, blue eyes up to his, he couldn't help noticing the generous swell of her breasts in the tight tank-tee she was wearing...

Gives roughly the same information, only it advances plot and character development instead of just "listing stats." See?

 

[CharleyH]

Basically a fair start, but you're trying to hard to control what the reader "sees" and have a tendency to redundancy.[/I]

Agreed. There is no colour at the moment, little to savour as a reader.

 

[CharleyH]

Once you get the hang of it, character development is really easy. The key: Let the characters tell the reader whe they are and what they think about the other characters in dialogue. It also works for discriptions. For instance:

"I really hate that bitch. Just look at her. Don't you just love the way flips her long blond hair like some bitch, sorority cheerleader or something? And where do you suppose she bought those big tits? Those are nasty."

The ellipsis thing - forget about them for the most part.

One final thing. Everyone says "Show it, don't tell it." That's incomplete. It should say, "Show the reader with ACTIONS, don't tell the reader with DISCRIPTIONS." Make the dialogue and action work for you and you'll do just fine.

Actually? Showing is action. Writers simply forget the five senses and those are a tell.

 

[rachlou]

Edit - That's not entirely true. I use a lot of discriptions in Humor such as,
"Whne she walked, her 34 inch hips swung like a battleship at sea, while her 42DDD knockers jiggled enough to give me a head ache."

Jesus! I now have a mental picture of a woman with tits bigger than the titanic!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jesus! I now have a mental picture of a woman with tits bigger than the titanic!

I was thinking I sort of liked that line of prose, Rachlou. Was actually thinking of using it in a story sometime

 

[TheeGoatPig]

Actually? Showing is action. Writers simply forget the five senses and those are a tell.

All five of my senses don't work properly though...
(my sense of smell is deminished, and didn't work at all the second half of my teen years)

 

[rachlou]

I was thinking I sort of liked that line of prose, Rachlou. Was actually thinking of using it in a story sometime

She sounds like the kinda woman with whom Harry might actually get lucky!! (ie all her brain cells are in her tits and she is too dumb to say no to the randy bugger!!)

 

[SparxXx]

One of the things you have to learn, SparxXx, is that the readers have minds too. You can use that to your advantage or it will be your disadvantage. If you suggest an image to the reader, he/she will fill it in and divour your work. If you tell the reader the discription he/she will stop reading after the third paragraph.

Do you care if the reader has a somewhat different image in their minds than you did when you wrote the story? You shouldn't.

I've gotten to the point where I use almost no discription at all. Hasn't hurt my readers in the least.

Edit - That's not entirely true. I use a lot of discriptions in Humor such as,
"Whne she walked, her 34 inch hips swung like a battleship at sea, while her 42DDD knockers jiggled enough to give me a head ache." But that's for the humerous effect, and generally not good writing.

Oh so i shouldn't care about how readers imagine the characters. That helps

 

[Weird Harold]

One of the things you have to learn, SparxXx, is that the readers have minds too. You can use that to your advantage or it will be your disadvantage. If you suggest an image to the reader, he/she will fill it in and divour your work. If you tell the reader the discription he/she will stop reading after the third paragraph.

Do you care if the reader has a somewhat different image in their minds than you did when you wrote the story? You shouldn't.

Oh so i shouldn't care about how readers imagine the characters. That helps

It's not so much that you should't care how readers imagine the characters, it's that you should allow them to imagine the characters.

Think about how you describe someone you saw at a mall or on the street to your drinking buddies -- you don't give your buddies measurements, clothing sizes and brand names, you give them the "high points" and let them fill in the "boring parts" for themselves. Describe your characters for the readers the same way.

Wait until your characters notice more detail about each other to share the details with the readers instead of trying to describe everything at once.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

It's not so much that you should't care how readers imagine the characters, it's that you should allow them to imagine the characters.

Think about how you describe someone you saw at a mall or on the street to your drinking buddies -- you don't give your buddies measurements, clothing sizes and brand names, you give them the "high points" and let them fill in the "boring parts" for themselves. Describe your characters for the readers the same way.

Wait until your characters notice more detail about each other to share the details with the readers instead of trying to describe everything at once.

Weird Harold is, as always, right.

You might also ask yourself if a character's precise looks are important to the story. For instance, would it make any difference to the male protag if a story's female lust-object was a tall, slender Charlize Theron look-alike instead of the short buxom, Pamela Anderson type?

Rumple Foreskin

 

[gauchecritic]

Too many Shawns.

For show don't tell this might help.

 

[cloudy]

I don't know if I quite understand this, but does it mean not to try and force a way to show how the character looks. You're saying that readers should actually imagine themselves rather than showing them how a character looks?

Actually, a detailed description of what a character looks like can end up reading like a shopping list, and to be honest, is an automatic back-click for me.

ex:

Darlene walked into the room looking like sex personified. Her 36 DD breasts, legs up to there, and small waist were perfectly complimented by her platinum blonde hair.

*yawn*

Who cares? A physical description tells me absolutely nothing that makes me even a tiny bit interested in this character.


In all of my stories, my characters are never described in detail. All the reader gets is "tall" or "long dark hair" - I let them fill in the rest as they will. Give your reader a little credit for imagination.

After all, how important to the story is it that the female protag is blonde? Not very? Leave it out, then.