How to make people laugh

[MagicFingers]

There are a lot of serious inquires here and in the other forums.
What if we start a joke thread? Sexual jokes preferred, but not required.
I'll start with one:

A guy says to his wife 'Hey honey, I'm feelin a little frisky, wanna mess around? Wife says "Not tonight honey, I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be, well you know, fresh and clean down there. Husband says "Well then, do you have a Dental appointment?

 

[Guest]

pussy frogs....

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks, Raventale

I was beginning to think no one out there liked to smile.
One more:

Subject: Airplane Ride
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.

A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

Whoa ! ! ! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" She says, "Lecturer. I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." the man says as he extends his hand.

 

[Vixandra]

MagicFingers, Raventail- I need those.
*giggles*
Will definantly be passing those on!

 

[assister49]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come-on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with
his head down.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

[TirelessTongue]

woman in a coma

A woman was in the hospital in a deep coma for over a year. The nurses decided it was time to wash her up and give her a bath. While sponging her down her private area, the nurses noticed that her heart rate increased every time. The nurses called the doctor, which in turn called the woman's husband over to the hospital.

The doctor and the nurses tried to urge the husband that maybe if he was to try some oral sex on her, she would snap out of that coma. So they let the husband in the room alone with his wife and close the door in anticipation.

His wife's heartrate goes to zero and a flatline, the nurses and doctor rush into the room and ask her husband....."What happened?"

His reply: "I think she choked ! "

 

[xx_La_Reina_xx]

hahaha...I think the sad thing is that this sounds like some men I know!

 

[ecstacey]

Re: pussy frogs....

A woman goes into a pet store to buy some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and suddenly notices a box full of frogs with a sign that says Pussy Eating Frogs..$20 each. Satisfaction Guaranteed. Instructions Included.

She looks around to see if anybody's watching and then whispers to the man behind the counter... "I'll take one."

He wraps up a frog and rings up her purchases. She gets home, and reads her frog instructions carefully.

1. Take a shower, and put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on very sexy lingerie.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs, and place the frog down there.

However, much to her surprise, nothing happens. The frog just sits there. Thinking perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog, she showers again and tries a different perfume.

She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs, but again, nothing happens.

Frustrated and pissed off, she calls the pet store to complain that her frog is defective. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints today, I'll be right over."

When he finally arrived, the woman pointed indignantly to the frog on her bed and the instructions. "I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there," she said angrily. "The sign said my satisfaction was guaranteed, and I am definitely not satisfied!"

The man nods his head, looking very concerned, and picks up the frog. Staring directly into its eyes, the man says, "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!"

terrible.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come-on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with
his head down.

Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

LOL, excellent.

 

[TirelessTongue]

Whats the Moral of the story???

A trout is in the stream eyeing a fly that landed on top of the water. The trout says to himself "I'm going to swim to the surface and grab that fly for a snack"

Meanwhile, A grizzly bear is a the edge of the stream looking at the trout. The grizzly bear says to himself: "When that trout comes up and grabs that fly, I'll grab the trout and have me a snack".

Fifty yards up the hill, A hunter spots the bear. The Hunter says to himself: "When the bear is busy eating that trout, I'll shoot the bear and have me enough meat for a month".

Right behind a tree, a rat eyes the hunter. In the hunter's back pocket is a sandwich. So the rat says to himself: "When that hunter is busy shooting that bear, I'll quickly snatch that sandwich so I can share it with all my friends back in the nest".

In the brush on top of the hill, a cat is laying down stealthily eyeing the rat. The cat says to himself: "When that rat is busy with the sandwich, I'll grab the rat and that sandwich and have a nice dinner".

So the cat runs and pounces for the rat, misses and tumbles all the way down the hill past the bear and into the stream.....

Now, What is the moral of the story???

ANS: Alot has to happen before the pussy gets wet !!!

 

[MagicFingers]

Bra Cup Sizes

Have a good laugh !!!!

Have you wondered what the different bra cup sizes mean?
A - airport
B - barely there
C - can do
D - damn good
E - ecstasy
F - fake
**********************
Pardon Me!!
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

 

[TirelessTongue]

A man and his wife were in the bathroom together. The wife was looking at herself in the mirror and says: "I'd love to have bigger breasts". "I'm just not satisfied with mine, and I wish there is something I could do that to make them bigger that wouldn't cost a fortune". The husband turns to her and says...."why sure there is". "And it doesn't cost a fortune either". The wife turns to him ecstatic and says "Please tell me how", "Please show me". So the husband takes a small piece of toilet paper off the roll and gives it to his wife. He tells her: "Take this toilet paper and rub it in between your breasts", "It will take some time and trust me, you'll see a differece". So she takes off a sheet of toilet paper and starts rubbing away on her cleavage.

One month later the wife says to her husband while looking in the mirror: "I've been doing what you told me with the toilet paper and my cleavage, and it hasen't been working". "A month has past by and I see no results", "Why did you think this would work?".

And the husband says: "It worked for your ass now didn't it?"

 

[Latinababe]

Dirty Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a magnum gun and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

 

[NaughtyLil1]

I think we all need to laugh more. Does the body & soul good.

ADAM AND EVE

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!


The Penis Experiment


Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack, "Healed and ready for action."

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

 

[shele]

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:
The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar."

The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad."

The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a dark room and slam my head against a wall until I throw up."

 

[MagicFingers]

Thanks for the laughs

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do,"he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster???"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie says.

So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

 

[RedSoreBottom]

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:
The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar."

The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad."

The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a dark room and slam my head against a wall until I throw up."

that was a good one

 

[GeorgeWBush]

There were three little boys sitting on the curb when the first boy said i want to be a doctor.

I want to help people when they are sick and i can make a lot of money and own a car like that.

And points to a lincoln.

The second little boy says i want to be lawyer so i can help people get out of trouble and make lots of money and own a car like that.

He points to a cadillac.

The third boy says when i grow up i want to be hairy all over, the two other boys say hairy why.

Well my sister has one patch and she owns both those cars.

 

[fulie57]

A man and his wife were in the bathroom together. The wife was looking at herself in the mirror and says: "I'd love to have bigger breasts". "I'm just not satisfied with mine, and I wish there is something I could do that to make them bigger that wouldn't cost a fortune". The husband turns to her and says...."why sure there is". "And it doesn't cost a fortune either". The wife turns to him ecstatic and says "Please tell me how", "Please show me". So the husband takes a small piece of toilet paper off the roll and gives it to his wife. He tells her: "Take this toilet paper and rub it in between your breasts", "It will take some time and trust me, you'll see a differece". So she takes off a sheet of toilet paper and starts rubbing away on her cleavage.

One month later the wife says to her husband while looking in the mirror: "I've been doing what you told me with the toilet paper and my cleavage, and it hasen't been working". "A month has past by and I see no results", "Why did you think this would work?".

And the husband says: "It worked for your ass now didn't it?"

Sa-weet!

 

[NaughtyLil1]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[MagicFingers]

I hope you have not SAID or HEARD these!

26 Worst Pickuplines*


1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.

3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.

8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.

12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

25. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the roof of your mouth.

26. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Ok, those were bad. To be fair, some men things comming up next.

 

[MagicFingers]

OK, we know size doesn't matter. These are only humorous responses.

"30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN"
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

 

[Xelebes]

Re: How to make people laugh





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[Delicacy]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

 

[GeorgeWBush]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

I like this one i laughed good.

 

[NaughtyLil1]

Cinderella's ball

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

"Cough, gag, choke...."