How to make her more comfortable with sex

[russia_love]

Hi everyone,
First post on here but i've been reading and there is some great advice being given out so i thought people could help me...

My girlfriend has just come to live with me from Russia, although she's very shy with strangers she's relaxed around me, until it comes to sex. We kiss but thats as far as it goes, if I put my hand on her knee or anything while we're kissing she doesnt tell me to stop but she tenses up, i know she's not comfortable with it so I stop.

The other night we were on the sofa kissing, i put my hand on her thigh and she tensed again so I stopped and asked her what was wrong, she burst into tears and said she was sorry and after cuddling her for an hour she opened up and started talking to me.
Before got with me she was married when she was 16 and it lasted a year, her husband was 28. I knew it wasnt a happy marriage as when I met her she was still very raw about it (she's 20 and I'm 21 now) but I didnt know the extent to how bad it was... he hit her, he beat her up in whatever way he could, he raped her and he would tie her down and sexually abuse her in so many ways it pains me to think of her being treated like that.

I didnt know just how bad things were, I told her I'm not going to pressure her and we can take things at whatever pace she wants, I wont do anything until she's ready.
When she is ready for it how do i treat her, I want to make love to her i dont want to just fuck her but I'm worried if i do something wrong she'll be too scared to stop me (when she ever said no to him he hurt her in even more horrific ways so she stopped saying no)

How can do to her to make her more comfortable and more relaxed with the idea of sex with me, does anyone have any tips or ideas?
Any advice would be much appreciated.
xxx

 

[silverwhisper]

i urge you to look at this thread. it's long, but there may be something helpful to you there.

ed

 

[russia_love]

Thank you, I've read a few pages maybe there will be something more in the middle pages, I dont want to bring up the past again to her

x

 

[SweetErika]

Welcome.

It sounds like your gf really needs therapy to help heal the wounds of her abuse and assault and learn how to have a healthy relationship. There are lots of threads around here on being a supportive partner, but the bottom line is that this kind of thing generally takes specialized therapy, or at the very least HER seeking help/support from people who have a good grasp on the subject.

I'm not sure where you are or what your financial situation is, but if you're in the US or Canada, free or low-cost therapy is generally widely available; you just have to do some digging to find it. A good place to start in the US is RAINN and/or local and national domestic violence/abuse organizations. Canada has similar resources, but I'm not familiar with specifics.

 

[The Neon Wolf]

Yikes, that's pretty scary. I'd have to agree with the seeking help idea, and be very supportive for her.

 

[controllinghand]

Erika's advice is right on. What's involved here is much deeper and more far-reaching than getting your girlfriend more receptive to having sex with you. Her experience has probably made it very difficult to be deeply intimate with any man--not just you, and not just intimate sexually. She was in a horribly abusive relationship at a very vulnerable time of her life, which has affected her in ways you can't possibly know and she only dimly realizes herself.

It will take time and assistance for her to work through this. A good therapist can help both of you a lot. And she'll need all the loving, patient support from you and others close to her that she can get.

Good luck to both of you.

 

[emptynester]

Has your girlfriend ever been examined by an OBGYN Dr.? If not, I would recommend trying to find a female Dr. to maybe ease the pain and/or embarassment she may feel.
She may have been hurt physically and if you two do get close enough to start having a physical relationship, if she experiences any physical pain due to the abuse she has been through, she is going to associate that with having sex with you too.
Besides, it would be a very good idea for her to be seen by a Dr. if she has not been through an examination since she was in the abusive relationship with her husband.

 

[russia_love]

Thanks, I mentioned therapy to her last night, she did get upset and said she didnt know if she'd be able to go and talk to a stranger about everything that happened.
I promised her that I'd support her no matter what and if she didnt want thrapy she can always talk to me but later on in the evening she said she would go to one session as it might help as long as I go with her, I spent today looking for recommended places and she's managed to get a session for friday.

Re. doctors examination no she hasnt, when she was in Russia she told her mum what had happened and her mum told her to go to a doctor but she refused. I think especially at this minute a doctors examination will be a step too far, because it will take every ounce of her strength to go to the threapist session on friday. I will suggest it to her at some point but I'll see how friday goes first, I dont want to pressure her too much or make her think I'm forcing her to do this stuff she's not that keen about.
I know this sounds really cheesy but the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt her or make her relive what happened.

 

[Vixandra]

I know this sounds really cheesy but the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt her or make her relive what happened.

That's not cheesy. That's what love's supposed to be.
Loving and helping your partner.

She's been through hell and is head onto the path to recovery.
Good luck to both of you.