How To: Live! When she has psych problems?

[Dstanzler]

Well... my ex who really still appears to love me is suffering from some severe and personal psychological trauma. The last time we spoke she said it was too hard to see me; that it made her feel sexual and emmotional and that she needed me to leave-- that she might call me when she gets better and maybe we could be friends or more... WAY into the future.

I want to help her with all of my heart but right now its best to just stay away. If I told her parents (and they probably already know about her situation given that they have been down to the UC 2 times in 2 weeks and that her sister has been sending her "be happy" packages) they might take offense to me interfering with family business.

I am living around school this summer and was planning on sending her some postcards... nothing more. I just want her to be well and happy. I don't want to lose my connection to her be it friend or girlfriend; I care about her and I miss her.

What else can I do?

DLS

 

[Seduce]

Well... my ex who really still appears to love me is suffering from some severe and personal psychological trauma. The last time we spoke she said it was too hard to see me; that it made her feel sexual and emmotional and that she needed me to leave-- that she might call me when she gets better and maybe we could be friends or more... WAY into the future.

I want to help her with all of my heart but right now its best to just stay away. If I told her parents (and they probably already know about her situation given that they have been down to the UC 2 times in 2 weeks and that her sister has been sending her "be happy" packages) they might take offense to me interfering with family business.

I am living around school this summer and was planning on sending her some postcards... nothing more. I just want her to be well and happy. I don't want to lose my connection to her be it friend or girlfriend; I care about her and I miss her.

What else can I do?

DLS

I am not sure how one should deal with situations like that, but I think it would be the best thing for her if you stayed away completely, not even send postcards.
Obviously, her feelings for you are hard on her and she doesnt need to be reminded of them till she gets better and became able to cope with them.

In my opinion you should leave all the moves to her and not even remind her of your existance.
More or less it seems that is what she wants you to do, isnt it?

 

[SweetErika]

I am not sure how one should deal with situations like that, but I think it would be the best thing for her if you stayed away completely, not even send postcards.
Obviously, her feelings for you are hard on her and she doesnt need to be reminded of them till she gets better and became able to cope with them.

In my opinion you should leave all the moves to her and not even remind her of your existance.
More or less it seems that is what she wants you to do, isnt it?

This is great advice, especially considering the thread you posted last week, Dstanzler. Do not pass by, do not call, do not send her anything. Look at this complete break as a time to heal and get yourself together. Stick with the counseling.

 

[Quoll]

I have to agree with Seduce and Erika, it could quite possibly do more harm than good to stay in touch, if she is feelng unstable in anyway the last thing she needs is to feel more pressure. It may only seem like something small to you like a postcard, but if her emotions are all over the place it could be taken as so much more by her.
It would also help you too I think, as any negative response you might get from her, is not going to help you come to terms with what is happening.
It seems like you both need time to sort out your feelings and emotions, without adding to each others problems.
Good Luck.

 

[fergus4]

I can't agree more.

She needs to work out these things on her own and it may take years.

You deserve someone who is emotionally stable, and you will not get that for yourself while you are still chasing after this other girl (or rather, chasing after what you wish this girl to be).

It is a common dynamic to want to "save" someone. Sometimes you CAN save someone, but not in the context of a relationship.

Move on in your life.

Good luck,
Fergus

 

[Dstanzler]

Its so hard

Its so hard because I love her and she acts so normal in public... it scares me. I'd love for her to come back and I hope she does someday but I'll just have to tough it out. Hopefully it is whats best and she respects me for doing so.

Dave

 

[Quoll]

Its so hard because I love her and she acts so normal in public... it scares me. I'd love for her to come back and I hope she does someday but I'll just have to tough it out. Hopefully it is whats best and she respects me for doing so.

Dave

It`s not uncommon for people suffering from psychological trauma to put up a mask in public, outwardly they seem fine, but often the mind is running a million miles an hour.
It does seem as if you will have to tough it out, but you are right in thinking that you will have more chance of getting respect by giving her space.
I really hope you can both get yourselves sorted out.
Perhaps you could consider some counselling for yourself if it is distressing you so much, also there is a good chance you could learn a bit more about how psychological illness affects people.

 

[grrrowl]

Its so hard because I love her and she acts so normal in public... it scares me. I'd love for her to come back and I hope she does someday but I'll just have to tough it out. Hopefully it is whats best and she respects me for doing so.

Dave

Dstanzler, I can relate to your situation in many ways. My (ex)wife and I just split up after three years of us both trying to get a handle on her clinical depression, addictions, and likely childhood trauma. As strung out as she was, she rarely showed any strain in public. Now, it's a different situation in that she says she wants me in her life. But I am staying away because we both need distance, and she make take years or never to work on her stuff. While I love her and care for her, and was confused and hurt when she suggested a divorce, I learned that her problems are not something I can fix. Now, after the big D, I still know this. (It becomes complex when she asks me to fix things that I cannot.)

The important thing for you to practice in your situation is to recognize what's within truly in your capability, what's in her best interest, and respect her wishes.

 

[Dstanzler]

You are right

I have done all that I can do for herself and for myself.

When we went on a "break" 4 months ago I thought it was because of me and because i had mistreated her. I went into counseling 4 months ago and I did appologize for all of the things that I did to mistreat her.

She did not return but accepted the note. It was then that I realized that she was not staying away because of me... something else... something she said that I could not fix.

She has wanted to protect me from whatever she has been going through for a while. It's why she has asked me to stay away... it is why she has told me to go see other women and to do whatever I need to do to not worry about her. Only she can fix herself.

What am I capable of doing to help her: Sending her a birthday card, not putting pressure on her, staying a way, working on my life, and growing strong emmotionally so that if she does choose to comes back things will be good.

What is in her best interest: Letting her handle things herself, hoping that she will get help, holding out for her, hoping that she will return, saving a space in my heart for her, and being sympathetic to what she is going through.

I am sure if she could be with me right now she would.

What are her wishes: That I ccontinue moving forward with my life and not get hung up on her. I know that when she sees me distressed it hurts her dearly. She has said on many occasions her intentions are to return and I just need to believe in her.

Arg. Its hard. I have made a list of things to remember about her inside the space of this situation. I am confident I will make it through this but I believe its going to take time.

Thank you for your support,
Dave

 

[Cathleen]

I can feel your pain Dstanzler. I'm impressed with the depth of your concern and ability to see the situation from a stepped back position. That is so hard and so healthy - for everyone.

She certainly is lucky to have someone that cares enough to put her health and well being first. There are many situations in life when love is not enough.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Dstanzler]

Unfortunately she can't see that... but hopefully one day she will

Unfortunately she can't see that... but hopefully one day she will. But thank you.

Dave

 

[Alsharlan]

Dont fall into this one

http://www.hbtoday.co.nz/storydispl...localnews&thesubsection=&thesecondsubsection=

 

[Dstanzler]

That won't happen...

Naturally. And I'm not the one with the issues.

Dave

 

[Hulder]

I am so sorry for you

It must be relly hard ging through this. Seeing someone you love being in so much pain yet not being able to help is a terrible situation for anyone to be in. I'm glad you're getting counseling, it really does work but it takes time. I hope you stick with it.

I don't know the nature of her problems, but i've been through my share myself. Suspicion of bipolar disorder (type two and quite mild but still damn tiresome), depression, several complete melt downs, and i recently got diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which also effects your psyche. I'm not listing this just for the fun of it (i have a better sense of humor then that i hope), but i just want you to know that i know what i'm talking about when i say that she has to work through this on her own. You can't help her. But you CAN be there for her, love her, and let her know that. Give her your support. It will mean a lot to her, whether she decides to use that support or not. But you should know that it will take time, so hang in there whatever you decide to do.

Good luck to both of you!

Hugs and Kisses!

 

[Dstanzler]

Thank You

I really appreciate that.

I have told her that she can call me whenever she needs to and that I want to see her over the summer...

but she said she isn't going to call me and probably won't for a looooooooooooooooooong time.

Which is hard. It's hard to fathom why she will let ordinary people just be closer to her then me... I just want her to know that I love her and care about her. Saying those words, however, would probably make her cry or have a fit.

Arg. I try to focus on how good it will be if she does return and getting my work done.

Dave

Hugs and Kisses. Thanks for listening!