How to lessen the burden on my wife?

[vato]

My wife and I just had our second child. Kid #2 is 6 months old. Kid #1 is 4 years old. I work. Wife is at home with kids. For the past 6 months we've struggled with her lack of sex drive. Now that breastfeeding is pretty much done, it's returned (somewhat). It's not what it was before, but she's never been one to initiate sex.

I think her upbringing has a lot to do with it. Her parents were (are) always at each others throats. Never an ounce of affection was showed, between her parents, or to the kids.

She has masturbated in the past, but doesn't now. (if she does, I don't know about it, but she isn't good at keeping things from me.)

When we were dating (17-23 or so) our sex drives were huge. We'd have sex pretty much everytime we were together. In the car, outside, camping, downstairs with her parents upstairs etc. It has slowly tapered off, which is ok. I don't expect her to maintain that high sex drive.

Skip forward a few years to married and kids time, and things have really declined. It's probably normal.
She's become somewhat more experimental over the years. It used to be missionary and missionary only. Now we do doggy, spooning, missionary, and a few other tame positions. Oral sex has always been a big thing for me - I love giving it and she loves receiving it. I've gotten it a few times from her, but never to completion. She doesn't like the thought of cum (or pre-cum) in her mouth. She finds it to be a little disgusting. I on the other hand love tasting her juices.
I've also started playing with her ass a little. She likes when I lick it during oral sex, and she's permitted with some gentle rubbing/pushing during oral (and once in a while during vaginal). I sense that she likes what I do to her ass, but doesn't feel ok with going further. I fantasize about fingering her ass, and having anal sex with her.


That is the background, my question is this:

What can I do to lessen the burden on her at home? I will try harder to clean up the house (do my share), watch the kids so she can have a break etc. I've never said no to her when she asks if she can take off for the evening. She wouldn't even need to ask. I understand she needs a break once in a while.

Another thing - she feels pressure from me when I try to initiate sex, and she says she feels pressure when I don't try - mostly because she then feels it's up to her to initiate it. Her libido is coming back slowly, but is there anything I can do to help it out?
She's sexually attracted to me, and likes to touch/fondle/squeeze etc as we pass each other in the kitchen etc, but she's just usually not up to initiating sex. When she does, it's simply amazing. We both really get into it. Wow.

Ladies, after having kids, what did your husband do to you/for you etc to help you get your libido back?

 

[lemmesee]

I hate to say this, my friend, for fear that you will take my comment negatively....but do yourself a favor....JERK YOUR SELF OFF AOAS (that means, As Often As Possible)....and, you will find your life tremendously improved....

 

[vato]

I hate to say this, my friend, for fear that you will take my comment negatively....but do yourself a favor....JERK YOUR SELF OFF AOAS (that means, As Often As Possible)....and, you will find your life tremendously improved....

Great advice. I know how to relieve myself. I do it nearly daily.

How do you think jerking off will help my wife restore her libido?

If you'd refrain from posting in this thread that would be great.

Oh, and I'm going to need you to come in on Sunday too. Mkay?

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

It would take the pressure off..

Hate to say it, but the other guy's right. It sounds like you're doing everything else possible the absolute right way (wish you were around when I had my kid! ) and there's nothing more you can do. But well - even without the breastfeeding - at only 6 months she's still getting her wind. If the touching and affection is still there - it will just take time, if it's going to happen.
Personally - everything about pregnancy before, during and after made me randy as a rabbit.
Good luck!

 

[M's girl]

I think the helping out in the house and with the kids is a great start. I don't have kids myself, but have two part time now and it's a hell of a lot of work. They are lovely and cute but also a handful! I can see how having them around all the time would majorly (!!!) deminish my sexdrive. I would simply be too tired a lot of times. Pamper your wife. Have someone look after the kids every once in a while and then make time to do fun things together. Sleep in, do brunch, take a long walk and after that pop a bottle of Champagne and throw in a massage. Or something like that.

I think getting the sex back on track starts with things like this (appreciation and affection). Good luck!

 

[TBKahuna123]

Great advice. I know how to relieve myself. I do it nearly daily.

How do you think jerking off will help my wife restore her libido?

If you'd refrain from posting in this thread that would be great.

Oh, and I'm going to need you to come in on Sunday too. Mkay?

Here here! Now, can I offer some real advice?

My wife has never had kids, but we've been through the libido thing because of hormone fluctuations, which is similar. There are only two things you can do, be patient and communicate. It's going to take time and time alone to get her libido back, and this isn't an overnight process. That you see it returning slowly is a great sign, it really is. I also think your whole attitude is going to help that. Your willingness to help her out with home and kids is great regardless of her libido. It certainly can't hurt her libido, but if nothing else it's going to help her be lessed stressed. Being stressed is the biggest cause of loss of sex-drive.

Another thing - she feels pressure from me when I try to initiate sex, and she says she feels pressure when I don't try - mostly because she then feels it's up to her to initiate it.

Communication is another key. You need to just sit her down and flat out tell her that you know what she's going through. She has to not feel guilty, not feel like she's letting you down if you try to initiate and she says no. She's entitled to not be in the mood and she needs to know that and be comfortable with that fact. As for her initiating, I would forget that for the time being. Let her know you don't expect that and that you're ok with having to initiate. The only way this works though is if you are prepared to be turned down once in a while, and to not make her feel like you are disappointed.

Let her know that she doesn't have to feel guilty or ashamed about her low sex drive. That and patience on your part will help her sex drive come back. I'm basing htis on the fact hat it's already coming back on it's own.

I have some advice on the anal thing too. It sounds to me like exactly the way things evolved with my wife. She doesn't want to admit that it feels good because she's embarassed or thinks it's dirty or whatever. What you need to do is communicate. do a little lickign and rubbing and then ask her if you can go a little further. Assure her that you're not gonna try and fuck her ass or antyhing and that she can tell you to stop at any time and you will. The first time she may stop you right away becasue she'll be embarassed that she likes it. Just stop and try it again some other night, and not the next day! Patience is the key, patience.

After all, you have a whole lifetime with this gorgeous creature, why rush it?

 

[Eilan]

You're right. The frequency of sex does, for a lot of couples, tend to taper off after a few years. You and your wife's priorities have likely shifted pretty dramatically from your relatively carefree dating days. You're more concerned about finances, careers, and, yes, raising children. Sex can become less of a priority, not because it isn't wanted, but because, as trite as it sounds, life gets in the way.

Remember, though, that relationships--HEALTHY relationships--are work, and when you have little ones to care for, you have to work that much harder to make sure that you and your wife's needs, both individually and as a couple are met. You both need time alone, and you need couple time as well. Do you have a relative or sitter who can watch the kids while the two of you go out? You don't have to go on a "date"; even a trip to the grocery store sans kids can go a long way toward restoring your sanity.

The time when their children are infants/toddlers is one of the most stressful times of a couple's marriage. It's definitely not uncommon for a woman's sex drive to disappear, particularly during breastfeeding, and particularly if issues such as postpartum depression come into play. At this point, I'd say that's not the case with your wife, but you may want to keep in mind that some women do go through mood issues similar to PPD when they stop nursing. Furthermore, just because sex is off-limits for 4-6 weeks after childbirth doesn't mean that a woman's body has completely recovered from the experience at the end of that time.

Is your baby sleeping through the night? It's possible that fatigue might be part of the problem. Take turns getting up with him or her, if you don't already.

Hope that helps a bit. Good luck to both of you.

 

[Emerald Eyed]

Ok, you state you do your share?

What do you consider your share?

Try helping with the tougher chores. Cleaning the bathroom, doing dishes etc.

It usually takes a good year or so after having a baby to get lobito back.

One thing that always helped me was a take out meal. To tired to eat out and then a great body rub.

Try a body rub and ill bet you will have sex.

Rub her neck, shoulders, back, legs...then move to her tummy, her breasts and you know the rest

 

[vanelane]

I commend you on your desire to lessen the burden on your wife. I have to agree with Emerald; I know you sincerely believe you're helping with the housework, but.... you work full time, you're tired too, plus you don't really know everything that she thinks needs to be done.

If finances are not a problem, I highly recommend hiring actual household help. I'm not talking about a maid, it doesn't have to be terribly expensive. We have four kids and I have a service come in twice a month to clean the floors, bathrooms, change sheets, and general thorough cleaning. This takes a lot of pressure off!

I also agree with planning time together without the kids. Get a babysitter once in a while so she can enjoy some adult time with you; a babysitter once in a while so she can have an afternoon off would be nice too.

Your attitude is right so you'll get there. Good luck!

 

[BeachGurl2]

I'm going to offer up a couple of suggestions that haven't really been mentioned and elaborate on a couple that have because I was where your wife is after my second child. And my ex was not only not helpful, but actually caused even more problems because of the way he dealt with the situation.

You didn't mention this, but has your wife lost all the weight from the baby and regained her shape? It's often a bit harder with second children and some women, because of body type, don't ever get back the same body as before babies. I was one of those. Because it took longer to lose the weight and get into what I considered decent shape, I didn't feel very attractive, therefore, didn't really feel interested in sex - oh my god, he might touch my stomach, kind of thinking. And being a new mom, with the body changes, really can take away those feelings of being a sexual person. You're so focused on being mom that sometimes it's hard to shift gears. If that's the case, maybe planning some activities together, physical activities like walking or bike riding, can help her feel your support. (But don't say, you need to go to the gym, here's a membership card. Be subtle. My ex basically said, you're fat, go ride the bike for an hour. Not helpful at all.)

Someone mentioned this but didn't really go into much detail about it. Postpartum depression can occur as much as a year after the birth of a baby. And if your wife just stopped nursing, her hormones are definitely shifting again, which can lead to that depression. You might want to do a little reading about it and see if you recognize any of the symptoms in her. you can google postpartum depression and finds tons of great resources. It's very easy to deal with if she has it. There are even some very good herbal remedies if she isn't interested in taking drugs for it. Health food stores can give you information if you ask.

It's wonderful that you help her out at home when you get home from work. Many people don't realize that being a full time mom, especially with a newborn, is incredible work. I've done the full time mom thing - until my youngest was in kindergarten - and been a full time career woman. Being a full time mom is physically and emotionally draining. Beyond helping around the house and giving her a night off, you might need to help her also learn to shift gears from being mom to being wife. It's a hard thing to do when you've been home with the kids all day. I know that can be hard on you, having worked all day. But maybe after you come home and shift out of work mode, you can take over kid duties and let her relax - hot bath without being disturbed, an hour to just sit back and read a book or put her feet up, time where it's your job to deal with the kids and her job to just relax.

My last suggestion isn't meant to put you in the position of pressuring her, but have you sat down with her, without the children around, during a stress free time and talked about the problem? Maybe even away from the house with a babysitter watching the kids so that you can truly get out of parenting mode and just talk? And I don't mean right before bed when you basically want to get her into bed. I mean like a Saturday afternoon, no pressures, just talking about life, kind of thing. She may know exactly what the problem is but may not feel comfortable enough to talk about it. If you've got kids begging for attention while you're trying to talk, the comfort level isn't going to be there. And it's not the kind of talk she'd want to have in a public place like a restaurant, so you might have to get creative here. But definitely try talking to her about what might be going on. And approach it in a way that shows her it's not just about getting off, but about intimacy, being close again. And phrase it in a way that she understands you want to do your part to help get that back in your marriage. Ask her what you can do to help, what she needs from you to get through this.

I applaud you for being so sensitive to her needs right now. Not all men can do that well. I wish you luck in working through it. It's very hard when a couple begins to have differing sex drives and contributes to other problems down the road if it's not handled properly at the time. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[spankdmom]

As a mom of 2, with my baby being 13 months, the one thing I'd see my husband do, and to me, the most important would be having him actually offer a night without the kids. I would have loved for him to surprise me with a night out, babysitter arranged and plans for an adult dinner or something like that. It's a lot to ask, and it's kind of silly, but I always felt guilty asking my husband to take the kids, even for a hot bath. Having an offer, and then having him follow thru with it would've made all the difference in the world to me, in retrospect, of course.

As mentioned above, having her react with touching and affection is a huge step towards renewing the libido. All I can say is have patience. With both babies, it's taken upwards of 12 months for me to truly return to normal, whatever that may be.

 

[FurryFury]

First of all jacking off will help relieve your stress and the pressure she might feel sexually to satisfy you all the time, so it's not a bad or disrespectful idea IMO.

Second a regular date night with just you two is a wonderful thing. She and you both need time away doing your own things and together without the kids.

We used to have a once a month date. We'd pay a sitter and go out like any other couple. It really helped and though he was reluctant at first, he came to crave those nights just as I did. Please note, we may have played basket ball together, gone the museum exhibit, a play, movie, dinner out or a shooting range but it wasn't about sex so much as being those two in love people that we were before the kids.

Another thing I did was make a regular bedtime for the kids. They didn't have to go to bed as early as I told them this was but we had done their night time routines and it was now, "Adult time." The kids could play quietly or read until they were sleepy.

Fury

 

[thewantonscribe]

I agree with those that posted before. A date night for the two of you is a wonderful idea. It doesn't have to be anything fancy just time for the two of you with no kids.

The biggest problem I had was learning to switch gears. Going from wife to mom and back to wife all in the same night. He was not always as patient but it has gotten better. Sex is still and issue because of the ages of the kids 8,7, and 2 1/2. We are fortunate to live close to family so babysitting with some prearrangements and scheduling is not too difficult. It has certainly helped many areas of our relationship.

Good luck and its great that you are reaching out for ideas. Its wonderful that you are thinking of both of you.

 

[honeybunnybaby]

You've got some great advice...

already, and I have to agree with alot of what has already been said.

As a mum myself, I think the idea of arranging a night out just for your wife where you take care of your kids is a great idea. Maybe you could organise something with her friends, even dinner and movie. Or a massage, or pedicure. Just make the appointment and shuffle her out the door! There's this terrible thing we mum's suffer called "mother guilt". And this could prevent her from possibly asking for a night off. You did say that she wouldn't have to ask, but maybe she feels as if she should ask.

And the suggestion of a date night just for the two of you can also do wonders. It's sometimes hard to remember the way it was before kids, but it's definitely a place you need to re-visit to stay strong as a couple. There's nothing better than dropping your kids off to a relative or babysitter and have a whole night to yourselves. As has already been said, it's not always about the sex. But doing things that remind you of when you were footloose and fancy-free (meaning before kids lol) can certainly bring back the lustful feelings you used to have for each other on a whim!

It sounds like you're going about things the right way already, so all I can say is PERSEVERE and GOOD LUCK!

 

[SweetErika]

I don't have anything to add to the great suggestions given on the mom front, but I do have a couple for the sex issues you mentioned:

1) If the fluids are her big issue with blow jobs, have you tried encouraging her to wipe the precum away and use her hand as you near completion, promising you'll signal and won't surprise her? Or to kiss you/do as much as she's comfortable with? How about using foods on each other (just keep anything that contains or breaks down to sugars, including residue, away from her vagina)?

2) If she's comfortable with anal licking and touching, perhaps she'd be up for a very small, simple vibe used externally, just like your fingers and tongue? In time, she may become comfortable with a little bit of insertion, but if not, it's very pleasureable and might add a little spice/fantasy for both of you. I was more comfortable with a vibe when we first started exploring anal play, and we still both find it more enjoyable than non-vibrating objects.

3) As great as sex is, sometimes the whole affair doesn't work with our schedules or energy levels. Things like mutual masturbation, hand jobs, and oral do though, and often they'll just seem more appealing or manageable at the time. Maybe your wife would get excited about "reliving your dating days and adding to the passion" by doing some of these shorter acts? I'm wondering if it'd also take some of the pressure off and encourage her to initiate.

 

[thrity]

With kids, sex between couples may be different.

Sex drive goes up and down, I believe it's quite normal, maybe it's just a period of time.

 

[vato]

I came for the nekkid pics, I stayed for the great advice.

Thank you all very much for posting such wonderful responses. It it really nice to have replies from people that have been in my shoes, and in the shoes of my wife.

Finances will not allow us to hire help for household chores, so we'll have to struggle along with that for now. I think we're doing ok. Routine is everything, we've found. Little things, like doing the dishes right after a meal, etc. It takes me 5 minutes, nothing builds up, and she doesn't have to look at a sink full of dishes all day when the kids are screaming.

My wife has lost a good portion of the weight from the 2nd baby, almost all of it. What she doesn't like is her stretchy stomach. It doesn't bother me in the least (I've told her so) but she's pretty self consious about it. I honestly don't know if there is anything she can do about it, I think her skin has just lost it's elasticity.
We've bought an excercise bike a few months ago, and I've been trying to do about 6-7 miles a day. She's said that she wants to do the same. Hopefully we can keep each other motivated.

I haven't sat her down and specifically talked about these things, but we do end up talking about this about once a month. We usually have one good late night talk each month. Lying in bed, spilling our guts until 2 or 3 in the morning.

I never refuse when she wants to go out. I get some good playtime with the kids, and she gets to go spend some time at the mall with her sister, or just get out. She'll often run to the grocery store to pick up a few items shortly after I get home from work as well - just to get out for a few minutes. I'd say she has an evening away (shopping) about 3 times a month.

As for dating/going out like we used to - we've got our first date (since #2) planned for Saturday. We've got some really good friends who are in the same boat - our kids are within weeks of each other, and same sex. They struggle with the same things we do, and then some. We plan on going for supper and a movie with them. When we get home the house should be empty, as the kids will be staying with my wife's sister for the night. She's an awesome sister-in-law, and I'm grateful for everything she does for us. I can't wait until we get to return the favor.
I'm going to have to arrange a massage for my wife and her sister, without telling them. It would be a great surprise for my wife, and a nice 'thank you' gift for her sister.

SweetErika, I'll suggest that she wipe the pre-cum away, but I tend to produce quite a bit. I don't know if that will do the trick for her. She knows I'd give her the signal - she'd kill me if I didn't.
I'd love to get a small vibe for some anal/vaginal/penis/clit play. I may have to buy it without telling her. The thing is, I don't want to scare her with it, or have her think that I'm a sex crazed nutjob. I guess I'll have to talk to her about my desire to acquire one. I bought a container of lube, and she was ok with that, although she did tell me that she has this strange reservation about using it. She feels that she/we should be able to do everything without it - that using it would mean that she is somehow inadequate. Maybe I'll have to tell her that it will likely increase pleasure - and that's what it's for. I'll take the same approach with the vibe.

The one thing that holds me back from getting a vibe, is that she often finishes quickly. She has quick, powerful orgasms, and then is too tired/disinterested to finish me off. Sounds selfish, but that's how it is. When she's done, she doesn't want to finish me. Not quite fair in my eyes, but I deal with it.

Whew, another novel. Thanks for all who have read my story, please continue to offer advice if you've got it, or even just input. I've enjoyed reading all of these responses, and this thread has made me feel really good about where we're at. I'm relieved, and encouraged.

THANK YOU!

vato.

 

[TBKahuna123]

Whew, another novel. Thanks for all who have read my story, please continue to offer advice if you've got it, or even just input. I've enjoyed reading all of these responses, and this thread has made me feel really good about where we're at. I'm relieved, and encouraged.

Hah! Should like you came looking for advice and got validation of what youa re already doing. Usually it's the other way around. I think you are defintely on the right track and doing the right things. Here's a couple last tidbits of advice.

What she doesn't like is her stretchy stomach. It doesn't bother me in the least (I've told her so) but she's pretty self consious about it. I honestly don't know if there is anything she can do about it, I think her skin has just lost it's elasticity.

Ladies help me out here, but I do believe it will tighten up over time. In ANY case of major weight loss there tends to be extra skin. Over time this should recede. I Know I've had this happen when I loose a bunch of weight, but mine never recedes becasue I fill it back up too fast.

I haven't sat her down and specifically talked about these things, but we do end up talking about this about once a month. We usually have one good late night talk each month. Lying in bed, spilling our guts until 2 or 3 in the morning.

This is the only thing I thikn you are doing wrong, or at least not in the most effective way. This is something that my wife and I still do and are trying really hard to stop doing. When you do it this late at night you are both tired, which makes you more defensive, less tolerant, and less able to look at an issue objectively. In the end our discussions always work out, but it's a lot longer road and a lot tougher discussion than it would be if we sat down say over dinner and talked. I know this is a logistical nightmare with kids, but finding a way to do this earlier, out of bed, will be a big help.

The one thing that I see in all of this is that most of the issues are coming from her insecurities. That's not a condemnation it's just a statement of fact. What you need to do is convince her that what you are telling her is the truth, not just lip service. Slowly she'll start to believe you when you say you think she's beautiful, or that you love her no matter what, or that it's ok not to be in the mood tonight. Believe me, I KNOW how frustrating it is to say things like this and not have the person you love unconditionally believe you, but dont' get frustrated. She does believe you, her insecurities just get in the way. Over time she'll lose those insecurities, so just keep saying it.

I never refuse when she wants to go out. I get some good playtime with the kids, and she gets to go spend some time at the mall with her sister, or just get out. She'll often run to the grocery store to pick up a few items shortly after I get home from work as well - just to get out for a few minutes. I'd say she has an evening away (shopping) about 3 times a month.

This is great, but I think you also need time together. You said you have a date night planned, that's great! You are very lucky to have a sister in law who's willing to help out like that, it's a big deal. I htink your massage idea is top notch!

I'd love to get a small vibe for some anal/vaginal/penis/clit play. I may have to buy it without telling her. The thing is, I don't want to scare her with it, or have her think that I'm a sex crazed nutjob. I guess I'll have to talk to her about my desire to acquire one. I bought a container of lube, and she was ok with that, although she did tell me that she has this strange reservation about using it. She feels that she/we should be able to do everything without it - that using it would mean that she is somehow inadequate. Maybe I'll have to tell her that it will likely increase pleasure - and that's what it's for. I'll take the same approach with the vibe.

Yeah, I wouldn't surprise her. To be honest I'd start with the lube, becasue that will increase the pleasure of you rubbing a lubricated finger over her. When she gets used to that, then do with a vibe. You know, I don't think her attitude about feeling that lube is a failing of hers is all that uncommon. I mean TV ads these days are all pushign it in the mainstream now, but doing so as a benefit for women who have problems with dryness as they get older. That's not the only reason for lube. Hell lube is fun, lube a toy as much as an aid. It's not failing of hers that lube is fun to play with, even if she did need it becaseu she was producing less natural lubricant. This is especially true for anal sex. No failing there because the body doesn't produce natural lube. You have to use something artificfial. Once she gets used to that, suggest a vibe. Don't just take the added pleasure approach, hell toys are fun!

The one thing that holds me back from getting a vibe, is that she often finishes quickly. She has quick, powerful orgasms, and then is too tired/disinterested to finish me off. Sounds selfish, but that's how it is. When she's done, she doesn't want to finish me. Not quite fair in my eyes, but I deal with it.

I think this is a symptom of the libido issues. My gut instinct is to say that while I understand, I still think she should pony up and finish the job by some means. Why do I say that? Because this is the same blunt advice I give to guys, and there's no real way around it. Sure there are going to be times when she's just tired, that's understandable. If this is a regular occurance though, then something needs to change, even if it's just more foreplay to bring you closer before you get started. It's not fair, and while I don't want to get you riled up about it, I think that over time this could easily cause resentment on your part. As sensitive and understanding as you are being about all of this, I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling a bit slighted.

But there are some other ways around this. Maybe she hits a hormonal low after she orgasms, which not only makes her disinterested, but almost sexually depressed? I'm just pullig htis out of the air based on a few past experiences with what my wife went through, so I have NO medical back up for this. It's not just that she's done and playtime is over, it's that she actually enters a state of mini depression, though it lasts just a short while. My wife used to get like this when she was first starting hormone therapy and her levels would spike and plummet during and after sex.

What about this? If she can't even bring herself to give you a hand job. do it yourself. Yes, masturbate right there with your wife. Keep her involved though. Let her lay on your chest, caress you, kiss her, touch her, whatever, while you do the dirty work, so to speak. This is strictly an idea, I have no idea how well it will work. It's just an idea that popped into my head reading your post.

I came for the nekkid pics, I stayed for the great advice.

Boy, that sure sounds familiar! Well, welcome to Lit and I hope we've helped you out a bit. Good luck.

 

[vato]

This is the only thing I thikn you are doing wrong, or at least not in the most effective way. This is something that my wife and I still do and are trying really hard to stop doing. When you do it this late at night you are both tired, which makes you more defensive, less tolerant, and less able to look at an issue objectively. In the end our discussions always work out, but it's a lot longer road and a lot tougher discussion than it would be if we sat down say over dinner and talked. I know this is a logistical nightmare with kids, but finding a way to do this earlier, out of bed, will be a big help.

Agreed.

The one thing that I see in all of this is that most of the issues are coming from her insecurities. That's not a condemnation it's just a statement of fact. What you need to do is convince her that what you are telling her is the truth, not just lip service. Slowly she'll start to believe you when you say you think she's beautiful, or that you love her no matter what, or that it's ok not to be in the mood tonight. Believe me, I KNOW how frustrating it is to say things like this and not have the person you love unconditionally believe you, but dont' get frustrated. She does believe you, her insecurities just get in the way. Over time she'll lose those insecurities, so just keep saying it.

Agreed again. She is quite insecure, and I will continue to try to brainwash her...errr, I mean, keep doing what I'm doing. I believe what I tell her, hopefully soon she will too.

This is great, but I think you also need time together. You said you have a date night planned, that's great! You are very lucky to have a sister in law who's willing to help out like that, it's a big deal. I htink your massage idea is top notch!

Thanks.

Yeah, I wouldn't surprise her. To be honest I'd start with the lube, becasue that will increase the pleasure of you rubbing a lubricated finger over her. When she gets used to that, then do with a vibe. You know, I don't think her attitude about feeling that lube is a failing of hers is all that uncommon. I mean TV ads these days are all pushign it in the mainstream now, but doing so as a benefit for women who have problems with dryness as they get older. That's not the only reason for lube. Hell lube is fun, lube a toy as much as an aid. It's not failing of hers that lube is fun to play with, even if she did need it becaseu she was producing less natural lubricant. This is especially true for anal sex. No failing there because the body doesn't produce natural lube. You have to use something artificfial. Once she gets used to that, suggest a vibe. Don't just take the added pleasure approach, hell toys are fun!

I'll suggest we try the lube soon, maybe just while I'm playing with her to start. She loves when I lick my fingers to get them all wet, and then touch her, so the lube will just be a slicker version of that (I hope).

I think this is a symptom of the libido issues. My gut instinct is to say that while I understand, I still think she should pony up and finish the job by some means. Why do I say that? Because this is the same blunt advice I give to guys, and there's no real way around it. Sure there are going to be times when she's just tired, that's understandable. If this is a regular occurance though, then something needs to change, even if it's just more foreplay to bring you closer before you get started. It's not fair, and while I don't want to get you riled up about it, I think that over time this could easily cause resentment on your part. As sensitive and understanding as you are being about all of this, I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling a bit slighted.

This isn't just recent, she's always been like that. I'd guess my biggest mistake is not calling her on it earlier in the relationship. I've let her 'get away with it' for too long.

What about this? If she can't even bring herself to give you a hand job. do it yourself. Yes, masturbate right there with your wife. Keep her involved though. Let her lay on your chest, caress you, kiss her, touch her, whatever, while you do the dirty work, so to speak. This is strictly an idea, I have no idea how well it will work. It's just an idea that popped into my head reading your post.

I'll have to work towards that - don't know if I'd feel comfortable with that right now. Sure sounds strange, wouldn't feel comfortable working my own magic in front of my wife, but I'll gladly lick her ass!

Thanks again.

vato.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I'd love to get a small vibe for some anal/vaginal/penis/clit play. I may have to buy it without telling her. The thing is, I don't want to scare her with it, or have her think that I'm a sex crazed nutjob. I guess I'll have to talk to her about my desire to acquire one. I bought a container of lube, and she was ok with that, although she did tell me that she has this strange reservation about using it. She feels that she/we should be able to do everything without it - that using it would mean that she is somehow inadequate. Maybe I'll have to tell her that it will likely increase pleasure - and that's what it's for. I'll take the same approach with the vibe.

The one thing that holds me back from getting a vibe, is that she often finishes quickly. She has quick, powerful orgasms, and then is too tired/disinterested to finish me off. Sounds selfish, but that's how it is. When she's done, she doesn't want to finish me. Not quite fair in my eyes, but I deal with it.

This is one of my favorite vibes for partner play. It 'fits' so nicely - very ergonomically designed - the silicone feels great and it's a good quality toy. It's also small and totally non-threatening, and you can use it externally or completely slip it inside her. It will feel nice on you, as well! It's great for external anal play, though not for insertion. And it has multiple speeds and vibrations.

Show her this review and ask her if she'd be interested in trying it.

http://www.freddyandeddy.com/productreviews/Funfactory/layaspotvibereview.htm

 

[LadyJeanne]

To be honest I'd start with the lube, becasue that will increase the pleasure of you rubbing a lubricated finger over her. When she gets used to that, then do with a vibe. You know, I don't think her attitude about feeling that lube is a failing of hers is all that uncommon. I mean TV ads these days are all pushign it in the mainstream now, but doing so as a benefit for women who have problems with dryness as they get older. That's not the only reason for lube. Hell lube is fun, lube a toy as much as an aid. It's not failing of hers that lube is fun to play with, even if she did need it becaseu she was producing less natural lubricant. This is especially true for anal sex. No failing there because the body doesn't produce natural lube. You have to use something artificfial. Once she gets used to that, suggest a vibe. Don't just take the added pleasure approach, hell toys are fun!

The trick is not to call it lube! Call it massage oil, and rub it on her clit and around her vulva and lips until she starts to 'get it' that it's about feeling wonderfully slickery and not a failing of hers.

It's all about marketing!

 

[vato]

The trick is not to call it lube! Call it massage oil, and rub it on her clit and around her vulva and lips until she starts to 'get it' that it's about feeling wonderfully slickery and not a failing of hers.

It's all about marketing!

I hope I haven't mislead you folks. She gets plenty wet enough, always has (luckily). I bought the lube so I can put my fingers and penis in her hoo hoo.

 

[pinkpunani]

As a woman with a toddler and one on the way, I can put myself in your wife's shoes. To be blunt, your wife may feel like sex is just another thing she has to do in a day. Sure she may enjoy it, but it is another demand placed on her body, mind, and time. The advice you have gotten above is great, I basicly repeated it and am now editing to add something more useful. One thing that caught my eye as I was reading is that you considered going to the grocery store when you get home from work a break. I can see, depending greatly on traffic, how the drive might be a small break. But going to buy groceries is no walk in the park. The massage is a spectacular idea! Next time you schedule her one, call around and find a spa that has a couples room for massages. You can both go in together, lay on tables and relax. It can be very sensual as well. Maybe take her to lunch after and just be a couple. This might also provide a good enviornment for "the talk". Just so you know, it took me about a year after our first baby to begin actually wanting to have sex again. So your wife is behaving normally, keep helping out, reassure her, no pressure, and time. That is the solution to your problem!

 

[SweetErika]

I hope I haven't mislead you folks. She gets plenty wet enough, always has (luckily). I bought the lube so I can put my fingers and penis in her hoo hoo.

I think LJ's suggestion still might work with just rubbing her ass, though I'd be looking at that bottle immediately, see that it was lube, and the racket would be over. However, there is that new KY Massage Oil/Intimate Lubricant that might work very well for this, and many silicone lubes also advertise moisturizing and massage benefits. We love silicone for anal, and it's different enough from water based that it might be looked at as more of a novelty than an inadequacy on her part.